Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Small Dog People Aren't The Same As Big Dog People
I have a small dog that is very well behaved. She doesn't bark when the doorbell rings, she doesn't jump on people, and she's generally just a lap dog. Every time I go to my brother's house, his huge dog jumps on any guest who walks in. The dog listens when my brother gives it a command, but then the dog gets bored I guess (she's 2 years old) and tries to engage people by jumping on them and putting her paws on their shoulders going face to face. This is fine for some people, but I don't like big dogs. I do not like that they are very strong when they jump on you. This dog also has a thing for feet, and will slober on my (or any guest's) feet, and start trying to chew the laces off of the shoes I am wearing. Even though he stops the dog, I hate going over there just because I know the dog will start annoying me. I think when I start to get annoyed, the dog thinks I am playing. Everyone, including my fiance, think that i should lighten up because I have a dog, and they think that I am too mean because I won't acknowledge my brother's dog. I am tired of having this dog's saliva on me when I am at their house. Is it wrong of me to not want to have anything to do with this dog?
It's not wrong of you to expect your brother's dog to be disciplined when you visit, especially given that your brother knows you have a problem with it. If the dog is so good at listening to commands, then why isn't your brother commanding it not to jump on people when they open the door? Having a dog that jumps can be dangerous. What happens when a small child or elderly person visits the house? It may be worth pointing out to your brother that owning a large dog comes with certain responsibilities, and he's not living up to them.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your brother is willing to change his behavior, so it's up to you to change yours. Here are a few things you can do to make your interactions with the dog more bearable.
1. Ask your brother to confine the dog to another room when you enter the house. Not having the dog greet you at the door will enable him to hear your voice and get used to your presence before he sees you. It will also give you a minute to relax and greet your family without having to worry about the dog.
2. Once you and the dog are in the same room, practice Cesar Milan's method of "no talk, no touch, no eye contact." If you ignore the dog he'll soon learn that you're no fun to play with. If the dog jumps on you, turn your back, cross your arms, and stand still until he goes away. Once the dog is calm and quiet you can speak to him and pet him.
3. Remain calm. This one is easier said than done, especially if you're intimidated by the dog. However, dogs truly do feed off of people's energy. If your nerves cause you to act excitably (jumping backwards, flailing your arms, etc.) the dog will take this as play. Instead, breathe deeply and stand your ground. Again, the dog will decide you're boring and move on to the next victim.
4. Don't wear laced shoes to your brother's house. If you know a certain item of clothing provokes bad behavior, stop wearing it.
Absent of proper training on your brother's part, none of these is going to be a cure-all for this dog's behavior. However, by understanding his limitations and yours, you might be able to make visits at least bearable.
Also keep in mind that you like your brother more than you dislike his dog (I hope). Sometimes you have to take a little bit of bad with the good. Do you really want to give this dog the power to ruin your relationship with your family?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Do the Opposite of Hoarders
Narcissus, Party of One
It's Bugging Her
Oh, I Was Supposed to Keep Those Vows?
Monday, June 28, 2010
Two For Price Of One
Can you get crabs while you are pregnant? I don't mean the kind you eat such as blue crab or king crab, but the genital kind. Thanks!
Also, can you eat crab when you are pregnant? For this question, I DO mean blue crab or king crab. Thanks.
And the answer to both questions is yes.
Pregnancy does not make you immune to STIs. If you can catch it when you're not pregnant, you can catch it while you are pregnant.
Cooked crabs (I hope you woudn't eat them raw) are perfectly fine during pregnancy. It's uncooked shellfish, such as oysters, that you want to avoid. The Mayo Clinic offers this list of foods that should not be eaten during pregancy.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Let's Discuss Religion and Politics Instead
Rapunzel, Rapunzel!
When Did Pale Go Out Of Style?
Mom, I Get It Now
My 16 year old daughter wants her boyfriend to sleep over, and we are okay with it as long as he sleeps in the guest room because he lives 2 hours away. But she wants him to sleep in her room and insists they have a virtuous relationship. I want to keep it that way, by having him sleep in the guest room. She tells us that she will just go sleep at his house if he is not allowed to sleep in her room. How do we enforce our house rules since she is only 16?
The answer to this one is simple. You parent. This is your daughter, not your friend. It's not your job to make sure she's always happy and never disagrees with you on anything. It is your job to make sure she grows up knowing there are certain expectations she needs to meet and that she can't always get what she wants.
When she's an adult she won't be able to tell her boss that if he doesn't give her a raise she'll just stop doing her work. Because she'll get fired. Because her actions will have consequences.
Does she have consequences now? It doesn't sound like she does. You have good reason to believe (because she told you) that if she spends the night at her boyfriend's house she won't be following your rules. So you don't let her spend the night at her boyfriend's house. And you don't believe her when she tells you her plans changed and she's just staying at her friend Beth's house, either.
Only you know what kind of punishment will hit hardest for your daughter. Maybe it's spending every Friday for the next month babysitting her little brother. Maybe it's taking away the car. Whatever it is, you need to make sure she knows without a doubt that by defying you, she's choosing that punishment.
(We'll ignore the part about the 16 year old being a in a long-distance relationship. Shouldn't she be hanging out with boys from her own school, or at least her own town?)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
When Aunt Flo Stops By The Office
Got any ideas for cramp relief at work besides pills? HELP!!
I feel your pain. There's nothing worse than sitting through a staff meeting while the Devil tap-dances on your ovaries. Unfortunately, grabbing a stiff drink on your lunch break is usually frowned upon.
During the winter, I swear by Thermacare patches. You can apply the heat-pack right to your stomach, they're thin enough not to show through thick clothing, and they last all day. During this time of year though, the added heat might just make you more uncomfortable.
My doctor once recommended doing back bends. I assume the logic there is that stretching the abdominal muscles will help them to relax. Unless you have an office with a locking door though, I don't recommend this for work.
My favorite remedy, however, is chocolate and soda (or pop, or Coke, or whatever you call it). I was once told that the caffeine helps to dilate blood vessels and can relieve pain from cramps and stress headaches. I'm 95% sure this is nonsense, but i still reach for both whenever I don't have access to actual painkillers. If nothing else, the delicious snack helps me get my mind off the pain.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Toast Masters
I am attending the wedding of someone who, up until she was engaged, was perfectly normal. Since she started planning her wedding she's become a crazed psycho. She talks of nothing except her wedding, changes all subjects to be about her wedding, and seems to have forgotten her friends exist.
I pray she comes back down to planet Earth after her wedding.
She has asked me to give a toast at her wedding, but right now I can think of nothing nice to say. Should I decline or suck it up?
It sounds like your friend is one of those people who doesn't realize that no one cares about her wedding as much as she does. If her behavior has devolved to the point where you can't think of anything nice to say about her, you might want to say something to her.
For the sake of her relationships with all of her friends, it's time for someone to pull this girl aside and let her know--in the kindest terms possible--that there's a lot more going on in the world than her wedding, and that turning every conversation back to herself is rude, self-centered, and boring.
If you're really uncomfortable giving a toast, then politely decline. Giving her your reason may compromise your friendship, so if you wish to remain close you can blame it on stage fright or nerves.
But remember that this will pass (at least until she gets pregnant and thinks she's the first person in history to reproduce). If she goes back to normal when the wedding is over, will your friendship go back to the way it was? Will you regret not having done this? Wedding planning can be overwhelming, and it's been known to consume the lives of more than a few young brides. If you think this is a case of temporary insanity, you may decide it's worth it to reach into the depths of your memory and base your toast on the person she was before the diamond ring ate her brain.
How Does He Feel About Green Eggs?
I have a magical hambone (powers were bestowed upon it by the high priestess of my circle of believers). My boyfriend does not share my religion and thinks the hambone is gross. There are bits of meat stuck to it still and it attracks flies and gnats. He wants me to boil it to "clean it up a bit" but that was not the state it was in when blessed by the high priestess. He says he is going to move out if I don't do something about it because he can't sleep with the flies (right now it hangs over our bed to protect us in the night). I think I can maybe put up a mosquito net to help for a while. How long until the ham bits will rot away and quit attracting flies?
Differing beliefs can be a major problem in relationships; this is why many religions discourage interfaith marriages. It can be very difficult to have a loved one tell you that any part of your belief system is "gross." If your magical hambone is a dealbreaker to your boyfriend, then you're going to have to decide whether or not it's a dealbreaker for you. It's good that you're having this conversation before you're married. You may have to make the difficult decision that this isn't the man for you, but think of how much happier you'll be when you meet someone who treats your hambone with the reverence it deserves. Alternatively, you may decide that this man is more important to you than your faith. Both are valid decisions, but they are yours to make.
If you are looking to reach a compromise, perhaps you could hang it outside--maybe over the back door--until the ham bits rot away. I'm not really sure how long the rotting process takes, but I imagine being outside in the elements would hasten it. And, while it's outdoors, your hambone will be able to protect your entire home during the night, rather than just your bedroom. You and your boyfriend will have the added comfort of not needing to worry about the sanitation issues involved with sleeping in a room full of flies.
Allow Us To Clarify
How come in all of the advice you post, you place all blame on the poster? Is it because you don't know the whole story? I ask because I find it hard to believe that every single person who's written in for advice bears the entire responsibility for what they've written about. Even if you have to play devil's advocate, maybe once in a while believe that the OP didn't do anything wrong (like the shy person in the office for instance - being excluded hurts).
First, I will freely admit that in several cases we've found the question asker mostly to blame for their problem. I don't believe that's been the case for all or even most of our submissions.
In general we have less patience for writers who speak with vitriol and hatred about a person, especially when the perceived slight turns out to be minor. If we think your attitude is wrong, we'll let you know, often in harsh terms.
It's always possible we don't have all the information, but we can only base our answers on what we're given. There have been situations where we've asked our writers to comment with additional information, and we do post follow-ups from writers in order to provide the most complete story and the most correct advice.
Finally, our motto is, "You can't control other people's actions, you can only control your reaction to them." In the case of the woman who felt left out at work, I completely agree that being excluded hurts, and I absolutely don't think she did anything wrong. My point, however, was that her coworkers do, otherwise she'd be part of the group. Replying with "Being excluded hurts. Your coworkers are mean for not including you," doesn't really help. Our advice is not meant to place blame, but to provide the writer with positive steps they can take to change their situation.
We hope this helps you to understand where we're coming from. As always, we welcome all comments and encourage our readers to agree, disagree, or let us know when we've missed something.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Bad Cooks Can Still Be Good Hosts
A family member will be staying at our house and spending a few days with us this weekend. I don't enjoy cooking and get especially nervous cooking for people other than me and my husband. Is it rude to plan to eat almost every meal out while our visitor is here? I intend to pay for every meal, but does it somehow seem as if I am trying to coerce the guest to pay by going out?
I don't think it's rude at all to plan to eat out, especially if you think your cooking is less than stellar. Going to restaurants will give you more time to visit with your guests (since you won't be worried about cooking and cleaning), and will give your guests a chance to experience some of your local fare. If there's a restaurant or a type of food that's particularly famous in your area (ie, Chicago style pizza, Buffalo wings, Philly Cheesesteaks, etc), make it a point to add those places to your itinerary. That way you can disguise your dislike for cooking as sightseeing.
As far as payment goes, if you take the check and insist on paying at each meal, your guest will have no reason to think you're trying to coerce them into anything.
This is All Kinds of Uncomfortable
A few weeks ago I left my friend's house with tiny bug bites on my feet and ankles that I suspected were flea bites. She has invited me to come over again later this week. Would it be rude to ask if her flea problem has been resolved before accepting the invitation? I can't say for sure that the bites came from her house, but it is the most plausible explanation as to where my bites originated.
If you don't know for absolute certain that they're flea bites and that they came from your friend's home, I think asking her if the problem is resolved is too blunt.
Perhaps mention that you're covered in bites, and nonchalantly ask if she's ever experienced something similar. Or casually mention that since it's flea and tick season you're having your pets checked, and suggest that she does the same. If she doesn't take the bait, you have three options:
1. Politely decline the invitation.
2. Accept the invitation. Make sure you're wearing long pants, shoes and socks, and long sleeves for your visit. Don't sit on the furniture and don't put your purse down.
3. Accept the invitation and pretend nothing is wrong. If you get bitten again, then you'll know with much more certainty that the bites originated with your friend. In this case, it would be much more appropriate to approach her and tactfully suggest that she call an exterminator.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Don't Talk to Strangers
is it weird that if someone smells good I tell them so, and ask for their scent or soap? Usually if I approach a stranger I have never met on line in a store for instance or on the bus, they think I am weird. I just think it's a compliment when someone smells good! Is it rude? Should I stop?
It's not rude, per se, but it is weird, and yes, you should stop. Most people on the bus or at the store don't want anyone to talk to them about anything, so always err on the side of keeping your mouth shut.
Personal aroma is a private thing, and while many people go to great lengths to make sure they smell pleasing, it doesn't necessarily mean they want you to notice. It's one thing to make a comment to a close friend or significant other, but strangers? Really? Commenting on someone's scent implies an invasion of personal space. Perfume, lotion and soap used correctly should not have scents strong enough to be smelled outside of a few feet. When a person can be smelled from a distance, it's usually not a good thing.
So take a step back, and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tuesday Quickies
I guess I could try to use a home pregnancy test if I could catch her mid-stream in the yard. Do human pregnancy tests work on dogs?
You Get What You Give
I have 6 coworkers all female. We started at the same time, and are very friendly. Some, more than others. I, being, the others. They never acknowledge my birthday in the 5 years we've all worked together, even though it's in a quick reference file that all of our birthdates are in. But they very obviously plan to celebrate for each other. Last week, one of the ladies was out of the office, and the other 5 started to privately/openly plan who was bringing in what for a lunch they were planning. They did not purposely exclude me, but they did not include me. For instance, as we're all working independantly, coworker 1 would whisper "I am bringing chips and salsa, what do you want to bring?" to coworker #2. Again, not on purpose, but they said it loud enough that I heard but softly enough that I was not part of the conversation. So today they are all having their lunch, and when I saw them all unpacking what they brought, one of them said, "Oh you're more than welcome to have some!". But I didn't because it feels weird to not have brought anything in myself.
So should I say something, should I not say anything and let it go? Or should I chime in next time and include myself? I'm not one to impose on others, but I think it's odd we all work so closely together and I am not acknowledged as part of the group.
Sometimes shyness is interpreted as standoffishness. It's possible your co-workers don't include you because of a vibe you're giving off. Sometimes it doesn't take much. Turning down a lunch invite once or twice because you're busy may be interpreted by them as you preferring to eat alone. It sounds like you don't get involved when they're planning birthday celebrations for each other. If that's the case, you really can't blame them for not going out of their way for you.
It's hard to jump into an established group of friends without feeling like an outsider. Choose one or two of the women that you feel most comfortable with, and start making a more of an effort to connect. Ask if they want to try the new sandwich place across the street with you, or suggest a mid-afternoon ice cream break. As you get closer, that person will hopefully keep you in mind when the rest of the group is planning something.
If they don't think of you, don't be afraid to speak up. The next time you hear of something being planned, mention that you have an awesome brownie recipe and offer to bring them in. Better yet, if you know someone has a birthday coming up, be proactive and ask someone what the plans are.
Just keep in mind that friendship is something you have to work for. Good luck.
Skip to My Lou.
Do I have to formally break up with an acquaintence or can I just skip away and just not reply to her emails thinking she'll get the hint? She's nice enough, but after speaking to her a couple of times I just don't care to persue a friendship. I feel badly because she's nice enough, I just do not want to pretend to like her when I don't. Or should I suck it up and try harder?
An acquaintance? Skip away. If you've only spoken a few times you have no obligation to tell her anything. In fact, saying something will probably just hurt her feelings. There's no need to add insult to injury. I don't even formally break up with friends unless I've known them for over 10 years or know I'm going to need to continue interacting with them on the regular.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Black Socks With Bermuda Shorts, Too, Right?
At Least You Got The Question Right
I have a 7 year old child, but I hate his personality. I feel bad because he's a cute kid and very smart, but he's a brat and a half. I feel like I need therapry because I love him more than anything in the world - I'd DIE for him, he's biologically born from my body. He just has a personality I do not like. What is WRONG with me??
I'm sure Kate is going to want to chime in on this one as well. Some may say I have no business commenting on someone's parenting, given that I don't have children. Perhaps my response to this will change when whatever magic bounty of common sense that comes with producing spawn is bestowed on me, but I highly doubt it.
Honestly, Sad Mom, your problem is that you raised a bratty kid. He wasn't born from your body with a bad attitude and a sense of entitlement. I can't tell you what it is exactly that you've done wrong, but you've done something.
I can tell you that children are highly intuitive, and hate is a strong word. I can guarantee you that your son knows that you have strong negative feelings toward him. That probably doesn't inspire a lot of trust or respect.
You do have the power to turn your child's attitude around. Start by modeling good behavior. If you're matching his temper with your own, you're teaching him that tantrums are a valid way to approach your problems. If he doesn't have clear rules and boundaries, put them in place.
Just as importantly, praise him for his good behavior. Reward good grades, good manners, etc. Let him see that you do notice and recognize his good qualities.
Things aren't going to change overnight, so don't give up or give in. And if you continue to have these feelings, do seek therapy. No child deserves to have a parent that hates them.
You Can Pick Your Friends, But You Can't Pick Your Family
I don't know how to handle this situation. About a year ago I met some really cool people at my cousin's wedding. One of the people I met is her new sister in law, her husband's sister. She's a cool chick, and likes to go to the same clubs I like. We talked and texted a lot since the wedding, and saw each other occassionally at the same places, oftentimes with my cousin/her new sister in law.
I made plans this past weekend to hang out with her, without my cousin. My friends were all there with us, and they are generally my age, around 24-26 years old average. This one is 32, and she just lives a fantastic life, or so I thought.
She drove her new car to the club we were all hanging out at, and I guess she forgot she drove and got super sloppy drunk. My boyfriend is a great guy, and did not drink at all, and couldn't let her leave by herself in good conscience. he offered to drive her car and take her home to get her home safe, and we'd have our friends follow us so we could have a ride back home also.
That's when it all went downhill. He got in the driver's seat, and had a hard time starting the car. She smirked and asked, "What's wrong with you, don't you know how to drive?" And he told her he never drove a BMW. She became really sarcastic about this, and told him he must not do anything for me because he doesn't have enough money for a BMW. So she showed him how to start the car and we went on our way. We thought she was just drunk and acting foolish, so we let it go, because she still had to get home safe.
Then she passed out in the backseat and wouldn't respond when we asked where she lived. I remembered that her parents live in a nearby town about 15 miles away, so we started to drive there. We got in front of the house, and she started to scream, literally scream, "Where did you take me? Why would you think I live here?" So I told her I thought this was her parents' house, and she said that she doesn't live with her parents she lives in an apartment a few blocks from the club we were at. My boyfriend was starting to get annoyed, but figured this was a friend of a friend and wanted to keep peace. We drove back to where we came from.
On the way, she started to complain that she was hungry and asked if we could stop, and since I was hungry also, we stopped at a 24 hr McD's. She fell asleep again and woke up in the parking lot and started yelling about how she doesn't eat shitty McD's and what kind of person do we think she is.
Since we were close to her home, we told her we were tired and we were just going to drop her off. We parked the car, she cursed at us, told us to go F--K ourselves because she was too good to be seen with us because she just went to St Barth's and hangs out with celebrities. She also threatened to beat me up as she was walking into her building. She didn't, she was just peacocking. Needless to say, we will not be seeing her socially again.
I told my cousin what happened, and my cousin said that she's just an angry drunk and to just not hang out with her anymore, but I think my cousin is impressed with this chick's BMW, fancy vacations, and socialite behavior. Do I say something to my cousin, or do I just let it go and hope to never run into this chick again? I don't want things to be awkward because she is close with my cousin since they are in-laws, but at the same time, I don't take this abuse from anyone.
You already said something to your cousin, and she told you not to hang out with her sister-in-law anymore. What more do you want to get out of this?
I agree that this is not a woman that you should continue to see socially. I don't believe that drunkeness is an excuse for bad behavior. In fact, I think actions taken while drunk are more of an indicator of a person's character than actions taken while sober. So yeah, this woman is a classless assbag and you shouldn't care if you never see her again.
Unfortunately, it's a lot easier to cut an acquaintance out of your life than it is to cut out family. This woman is your cousin's family, and if you continue to make an issue of this you're only making your cousin's situation worse. The fact that your cousin acknowledged that her sister-in-law is a bad drunk and suggested you not pursue the friendship leads me to believe that she's already aware of this woman's shortcomings. If she's willing to overlook them for the BMW and the socialite lifestyle, so be it. She's not forcing you to continue the friendship.
So let it go. Stop returning her texts and emails, don't hang out with your cousin if this chick is around, be friendly when you cross paths at family parties, and go about your life. Anything beyond that isn't your business.
Why Are You Waving That Red Flag In My Face?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Enough About MIL: Let's Talk About You
No, Seriously: He's Just Not That Into You
Because of my feelings for my friend it drives me nuts when he's in a relationship with someone else. I want him to be happy, but it breaks my heart a little each time he finds someone else. It doesn't help that he usually ends up dating women who are clingy, jealous and think it is OK to use and abuse him. I have a low self-esteem to begin with, but I'd like to think that I'm at least better than these women. However, I can't wrap my head around why he'd want to date people like this rather than giving me a chance.
A few months ago we ended up sleeping together. It was a one time thing and I knew it wasn't going to mean anything to him emotionally and promised myself that I wouldn't let it get to me when he moved on to the next lame girlfriend....and I successfully kept my promise, but after that relationship ended he and I started getting closer and interacting on a level we'd never been on before and I was really starting to think that things were headed in the direction I wanted them to.
Now out of nowhere he's in a new relationship with another girl and I don't know how to cope with it. I want to be supportive as I really do want him to be happy, but the closeness we were developing makes it hurt that much more. How can I call myself a good friend when I'm sitting at home secretly hoping that his relationship will crash and burn so I can have a chance even though it will probably never pan out the way I want it to? Is it bad to stay in a friendship where my heart gets broken constantly? And is it wrong to feel hurt, betrayed and even a little bit angry at him even though he is technically doing nothing wrong and I'm creating the problem with my own feelings?
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Seriously? No.
In honor of our first letter that I refuse to publish, I think it's time to lay out some ground rules.
1. We're fine with foul language, we use it ourselves. However, don't be crude. We reserve the right to determine what crude is.
2. We will not publish identifying information. If we can redact names or locations from your letter, we will do so. If we deem it impossible to do so, you will not get an answer on your site.
3. We are not medical doctors, and honestly we don't want to know about your rashes, growths, or whathaveyou. We don't care if it's less embarrassing to write to an advice blog than it is to to see an actual doctor. We're not responsible for your health, you are. (Shamalamadingdong, this is as good an answer as you're getting.)
4. We reserve the right to amend these ground rules at any time.
That's it. Keep the letters coming, and happy reading!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Dealing with Debbie Downer
My friend has a chronic illness. Her family is out of state and not very supportive. I am her go-to when times get tough, which is all the time (going on five years now). She is never, ever, ever having a good day. If it isn't her illness, it is some other friend that has been insensitive to her or something going wrong at work, etc. When I have a hard day, she points out to me that at least I am healthy and makes me feel bad about ever venting my petty problems. When I or one of my kids are sick, she points out that at least we will get better and she won't.
She had a bad experience with counseling several years ago and is not open to trying to again.
I am getting to the point that I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone although I immediately feel guilty for that feeling. Sometimes I feel like a very wet sponge, unable to mop up any more of her pain.
She was such a good friend before she got sick. How can I keep being her friend without sacrificing my sanity?
Thanks
A few weeks ago, I published a question that was almost the exact opposite of your situation.
In that response, I said
I think there's a lot of pressure for people who are going through incredibly rough times to keep their spirits up. You want to be known as the one who always had a great attitude, not the person who constantly bitched and complained about what a raw hand they were dealt.Obviously, this does not apply to everyone. It sounds like your friend thrives on pity, and it also sounds like her attitude has driven most everyone off but you. There's a good chance she's depressed, and I think you're right in that she needs counseling.
You're a good person for wanting to preserve this friendship. Not a lot of people would. Good for you for recognizing that however difficult she may be, she does need support. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, as you've already dealt with far more than is required of you. If you need to let her calls go to voicemail every once in awhile, so be it.
That said if anything is going to change, she needs to realize how her negative outlook is affecting her relationships. Not many people are willing to be blunt with someone like this; they'd rather just drop the friendship.
If you're going to confront her, you need to do it calmly and with empathy. Attacking her for always bringing you down will only make her see you as another insensitive person who's making her life worse. First sit down with her and tell her you're worried about her. Explain that you know she's had trouble with counselors before, and offer to help her find someone she can better connect with. Maybe packaging it differently will do the trick. If you know she won't take help from a counselor, suggest a life coach, a spiritual advisor, or hell, a psychic. At this point, anyone she can talk to that isn't you is a help.
As far as her not allowing you to have bad days, I'm of two minds. On one hand, you're likely blessed with far more friends and family than she has. Vent to people who understand and don't mind hearing it. That way she doesn't feel the need to fake concern for issues that she may consider petty, and you get the empathy you deserve for things you're entitled to vent about.
On the other hand, this is just another example of how her rotten attitude has driven people away, and maybe realizing this will help her bring some people back into her life. Try giving her a taste of her own medicine. Every time she starts a pity party, reply with "Well, hey, at least you're not [something worse]." Eventually she'll get the hint.
You've Gotta Fight! For Your Right! To Throw Awesome Paaaaaaar-Ties!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
More Things We Should Have Discussed Before The Wedding
My husband is not my daughter's father but he likes to be treated as such, because her own dad isn't in the picture. But I don't like the way he treats her and even she is starting to get annoyed, she's 12. He likes to think that she needs to do whatever he needs because she's a kid and kids ought to licten, and that is fine to a degree. He is the step dad and deserves a role in her parenting. We're married 2 years, living together as a family for 7 total. If we don't have bread to eat with dinner he'll ask her to go to the store to get bread even though we've already sat down. If he is watching TV on the couch, he asks her to go gethim things to drink. How do I explain he can do these things himself? Or is he right to make her do some of these chores to learn responsibility?
I do think that step-parents should be able to play a role in parenting, especially when the children are young and the other biological parent is not in the picture. You are a family, which means handling certain things as a unit rather than as individuals. Telling your husband that he can't tell your daughter what to do simply because he's not her father is only going to confuse your daughter and build resentment between you and your husband.
That said, I don't think it's appropriate to send a 12 year old to the store alone, especially when the family has just sat down for dinner. Occasionally asking her to grab something for him--as long as she's up and/or closer to the desired object--doesn't bother me, but him making her his personal errand-girl does.
It could be that the two of you just have different parenting styles. This would be a problem whether or not your daughter was biologically his, and should be addressed between the two of you. It's possible that he was raised to do everything his parents said, and sees this as an acceptable behavior. Explain to your husband that while you do want him to be an equal partner in terms of disciplining, educating, and maintaining the health and well-being of your child, you have to draw the line at making arbitrary rules or requirements just because she's the kid. Come up with a list or a set of standards that you both think are appropriate chores for a 12-year-old, and stick to it.
It could also be that your husband has control issues stemming from the fact that he's not your daughter's biological father. Maybe there's a degree of respect that he thinks he deserves but does not think he's getting, and these demands are his way of forcing it. This is a problem that probably requires the help of a counselor, especially if you plan on having more children. The last thing you want is for him to treat your children differently because some are "his" and others are not.
I would suggest that at least your early conversations about this issue happen without your daughter present. Involving her at this point is just going to create an "us vs. you" atmosphere, which won't be productive at all.