Paging Salt N Pepa

Blanche writes:

I want sex every other day at least, and my fiance is happy with once every other week. I would do it every day if I could, but I settle for every other day! I think he finds me unattractive, or perhaps he's cheating? What do you think? He's just not in the mood if I ask him if he's up for a little bedtime action, and my sexy lingerie never gets his attention. He's more interested in what's on TV and possibly missing it. WE HAVE A DVR!!

Blanche, I feel your frustration. Literally.

Different people have different sex drives. I know that in American society, men are painted as insatiable when it comes to sex, but that's just not the case. Men's level of desire varies from man to man, and from day to day with the same man.

If your fiance's always had a lower drive than you have, this is something you two will have to negotiate - preferably before legally binding yourselves for life. Start the discussion by sharing each of your ideal frequencies - yours, as you said, is every day; his might be once a week, or three times a month. From there, figure out what you both are willing to commit to: Once a week? Five times a month? Then stick to it. Both of you have to bend on this issue; maybe he prefers a different time of day, and you two can work out X times per month, Y of those times in the morning, or at lunch.

If your fiance has not always had a lower drive, what's changed recently? Could he be depressed? Stressed out? Fatigued? When was his last physical? There are plenty of mental/physical reasons for a sudden change in sex drive, and all of them are more worrisome than you not getting off. Many are very easily addressed; some are not; but a checkup is easy to schedule, and he should do so immediately.

And this is where most advice stops, but I've got one further point. Does he have a kink you're not exploring with him, or could he have one he doesn't think he can share with you?

Plenty of people are kinky in the bedroom, and completely ordinary in real life. Kinks are not something to avoid or ridicule him for. He might want you to be dominant, or he might want to dominate; he might like a specific type of lingerie on you; he might like a specific body part. Many kinky people can have vanilla sex, and find it fulfilling - up to a point. He may just not be getting his sexual needs met, and therefore isn't that interested.

All of these conversations need to take place far away from the bedroom, and all need to be free of accusations and "You" statements: "You never..." "You always..." "I wish you would do...". Better by far to use "I" or "We" statements: "I would like to talk about our sex life." "We should explore this together." There's no blame to be had, here, just a problem to be solved.

If he's unwilling to negotiate, see a physician, or explore his sexuality with you, please don't marry him. Sex is one of the "Big Three" reasons for divorce (the other two are kids and money.). Save both of you the trouble and end it while it's still fairly cheap and easy to do so.