Concerned Bride writes:
My wedding is coming up this September. We've found a Catholic Church and a priest to marry us. Problem? I am planning from 2500 miles away so did most of my booking via phone and email and just called priests that the church recommended (they don't have a resident priest) and said okay after chatting with the first one on the phone.
We went and met with him when my fiance and I were home over Christmas. He is extremely old. He even made a few jokes about passing away before our wedding. Would it be inappropriate for me to get in touch with the coordinator at the church and see if there is any kind of backup plan in case our priest does, in fact, pass away close to our wedding? I imagine all the paperwork with the archdiocese will have his name on it so I'm not sure if that would be an issue...
This is a new one. Really, brides will find the silliest things to worry about when planning their weddings. I remember spending more than one sleepless night just terrified that I'd made the wrong decision when I ordered my dress in ivory instead of diamond white. I'm not exaggerating. Weddings do crazy things to people.
But calling the church to make contingency plans in case the priest dies is overboard. If his age is the only factor making you nervous, I'm going to go ahead and give you permission to move on to worrying about whether the table linens will match the bridesmaids' shoes.
Really, a 42 year-old priest could get hit by a bus next week. A 92 year old priest could live to 102 without getting so much as a head cold. Age has less to do with dying than we like to think it does. In the unfortunate event that your priest does pass away before your wedding, I'm sure there will be another priest in the area willing to fill in on short notice. In fact, my guess is it will be a lot easier to find a replacement for a priest than it would for say a photographer or DJ. Oops. Did I just stress you out again?
Showing posts with label weddings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weddings. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thank You Notes
Grateful asks:
Is two weeks too long to wait to send out my thank you notes for my bridal shower? I have been sick ever since my shower, and finally sent them out about 10 days later and my fiance is complaining that I may have waited too long and I should have asked him to do them if I wasn't able to get them out right away. Do you think my guests will be offended? THANKS!!
I say no. Technically, thank you notes are supposed to be written within a day of receiving the gift, but these days, so many people neglect their thank you notes completely that I'm sure your guests will just be happy to hear from you whether it's one, two, or four weeks after the shower. In general, I wouldn't consider someone delinquent on shower thank-yous until the week of the wedding.
Kudos to your husband-to-be for offering, though. You've got a keeper.
Is two weeks too long to wait to send out my thank you notes for my bridal shower? I have been sick ever since my shower, and finally sent them out about 10 days later and my fiance is complaining that I may have waited too long and I should have asked him to do them if I wasn't able to get them out right away. Do you think my guests will be offended? THANKS!!
I say no. Technically, thank you notes are supposed to be written within a day of receiving the gift, but these days, so many people neglect their thank you notes completely that I'm sure your guests will just be happy to hear from you whether it's one, two, or four weeks after the shower. In general, I wouldn't consider someone delinquent on shower thank-yous until the week of the wedding.
Kudos to your husband-to-be for offering, though. You've got a keeper.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
To Bar or Not To Bar
Tina asks:
I have been arguing with my future in laws, and I disagree with them. I have been to many weddings over the years and it is absolutely disgusting to watch wedding guests getting drunk, simply because the booze is free and flowing like water. And if any of these people have a car accident on the way home from the reception because they are drunk, guess who is liable?
We are planning a beautiful wedding and my family are NOT drinkers. There will be a champagne toast and wine with dinner. Other than that, if our guests need to get drunk in order to enjoy themselves, they can hit a bar on their way home, ON THEIR OWN. We are not going to provide them with free liquor and we are not going to be responsible if they wrap themselves around a tree on the way home or harm someone else on the road.
How did I get my in laws to understand that I do not want to fund the all night party line? The "tradition" of getting sloshed at wedding receptions and expecting the bride and groom (or their parents) to provide and pay for free liquor should be stopped. Please help, thanks!
Ultimately, the amount of alcohol you serve at your wedding is up to you (or the person paying for your wedding). In that regard, you are right to make the decision for yourself and your in-laws are wrong to demand more of you. Stop discussing the issue with them. If they bring it up, let them know that that part of the reception has already been planned and you're on to choosing table runners now.
However, unless you keep the company of extremely classless people, I think your characterization of "sloshed" guests and assumption that people only get drunk because the booze is free is overblown. I have been to many weddings, and while there are always a few people who overindulge, the majority of guests drink enough to maintain a happy buzz throughout the evening. They also generally drink no more or no less than they would if they were paying for the alcohol themselves.
Think about it this way. Weddings are happy, celebratory events. Drinking makes people feel happy. It makes shy people more willing to get out on the dance floor. It makes tables full of people who don't know each other well feel better about socializing.
As an adult hosting a party for adults, it's only polite to offer adult beverages. If you're worried about those who overindulge, you can instruct your bartenders to be strict about over-serving. If you're worried that underage guests will get served, you can again instruct your bartenders to card everyone. For the record, it's the servers of the alcohol that could be held liable if a guest wraps hims car around a tree, so it's in their best interest to be vigilant.
And consider this: if the people you are inviting to your wedding are the types to get sloshed in the presence of an open bar, they're not going to be pleased to find out one isn't available. Be prepared for cousins and college friends to show up with flasks, for Aunt Gertrude to hide the bottle of table wine under her skirt, and for those who weren't able to secure their own source of booze to leave early.
I have been arguing with my future in laws, and I disagree with them. I have been to many weddings over the years and it is absolutely disgusting to watch wedding guests getting drunk, simply because the booze is free and flowing like water. And if any of these people have a car accident on the way home from the reception because they are drunk, guess who is liable?
We are planning a beautiful wedding and my family are NOT drinkers. There will be a champagne toast and wine with dinner. Other than that, if our guests need to get drunk in order to enjoy themselves, they can hit a bar on their way home, ON THEIR OWN. We are not going to provide them with free liquor and we are not going to be responsible if they wrap themselves around a tree on the way home or harm someone else on the road.
How did I get my in laws to understand that I do not want to fund the all night party line? The "tradition" of getting sloshed at wedding receptions and expecting the bride and groom (or their parents) to provide and pay for free liquor should be stopped. Please help, thanks!
Ultimately, the amount of alcohol you serve at your wedding is up to you (or the person paying for your wedding). In that regard, you are right to make the decision for yourself and your in-laws are wrong to demand more of you. Stop discussing the issue with them. If they bring it up, let them know that that part of the reception has already been planned and you're on to choosing table runners now.
However, unless you keep the company of extremely classless people, I think your characterization of "sloshed" guests and assumption that people only get drunk because the booze is free is overblown. I have been to many weddings, and while there are always a few people who overindulge, the majority of guests drink enough to maintain a happy buzz throughout the evening. They also generally drink no more or no less than they would if they were paying for the alcohol themselves.
Think about it this way. Weddings are happy, celebratory events. Drinking makes people feel happy. It makes shy people more willing to get out on the dance floor. It makes tables full of people who don't know each other well feel better about socializing.
As an adult hosting a party for adults, it's only polite to offer adult beverages. If you're worried about those who overindulge, you can instruct your bartenders to be strict about over-serving. If you're worried that underage guests will get served, you can again instruct your bartenders to card everyone. For the record, it's the servers of the alcohol that could be held liable if a guest wraps hims car around a tree, so it's in their best interest to be vigilant.
And consider this: if the people you are inviting to your wedding are the types to get sloshed in the presence of an open bar, they're not going to be pleased to find out one isn't available. Be prepared for cousins and college friends to show up with flasks, for Aunt Gertrude to hide the bottle of table wine under her skirt, and for those who weren't able to secure their own source of booze to leave early.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wow. How Do You Treat Your Enemies?
Stella asks:
We were supposed to go to a friend's wedding, but decided not to. We had already sent back the RSVP with a YES reply, and my husband and myself chose the dinners we wanted to have. We did not call, we just stayed home and did other things that night. They are old friends and live about 2 hours away, so they should understand if we were not able to make the drive. Should we send a gift? Do you think $25 is a fair amount to spend?
If you're invited to a wedding, it's customary to send a gift whether you attend or not. So the answer to your first question is yes. As far as the amount, you should spend as much as you feel comfortable with given your budget and your level of friendship with this person. If that amount is $25, then that's what you send.
However, I will say that in this situation, $25 seems a paltry sum. It was incredibly, incredibly rude of you to not show up--without explanation--after RSVPing "yes." No, your friends should not understand that you "were not able to make the drive," because you weren't unable, you just "decided not to."
Being married yourself, you should know that your selfish behavior cost them a pretty penny in uneaten meals and unused chairs, dinnerware etc. While I normally rail against the "rule" that a wedding gift should cover the cost of your plate, I think in this case you should at least try to make it up to them.
More than a gift, I think you owe this couple a sincere apology for your blatant disregard for etiquette.
We were supposed to go to a friend's wedding, but decided not to. We had already sent back the RSVP with a YES reply, and my husband and myself chose the dinners we wanted to have. We did not call, we just stayed home and did other things that night. They are old friends and live about 2 hours away, so they should understand if we were not able to make the drive. Should we send a gift? Do you think $25 is a fair amount to spend?
If you're invited to a wedding, it's customary to send a gift whether you attend or not. So the answer to your first question is yes. As far as the amount, you should spend as much as you feel comfortable with given your budget and your level of friendship with this person. If that amount is $25, then that's what you send.
However, I will say that in this situation, $25 seems a paltry sum. It was incredibly, incredibly rude of you to not show up--without explanation--after RSVPing "yes." No, your friends should not understand that you "were not able to make the drive," because you weren't unable, you just "decided not to."
Being married yourself, you should know that your selfish behavior cost them a pretty penny in uneaten meals and unused chairs, dinnerware etc. While I normally rail against the "rule" that a wedding gift should cover the cost of your plate, I think in this case you should at least try to make it up to them.
More than a gift, I think you owe this couple a sincere apology for your blatant disregard for etiquette.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's Not Easy...
Sessily asks:
I love the color green, my future hubby does not. Any compromise? He thinks I go overboard, because I like sage green waall paint and wear a lot of green aand want to incorporate jade green roses as my wedding flower, and he thinks it's too much green like leprechaun vomit.
There's plenty of room to compromise here. I could see your fiance's problem if you planned to paint every room in the house green, and compliment it with green curtains, green furniture, green carpet and green kitchen appliances. However, green compliments a whole lot of colors. If he doesn't want sage walls, you could go with an earthy beige and add green accents in the rug, throw pillows, etc. For your wedding colors, pick his favorite and put the two together. You can do gorgeous things with green and blue, green and purple, green and yellow, green and brown, etc. The only combo I might stay away from is green and red, but even that could work for a Christmas wedding.
The key here is that you need to learn how to work green into a color scheme so it won't look like "leprechaun vomit," and he needs to appreciate green when it's used in moderation.
I love the color green, my future hubby does not. Any compromise? He thinks I go overboard, because I like sage green waall paint and wear a lot of green aand want to incorporate jade green roses as my wedding flower, and he thinks it's too much green like leprechaun vomit.
There's plenty of room to compromise here. I could see your fiance's problem if you planned to paint every room in the house green, and compliment it with green curtains, green furniture, green carpet and green kitchen appliances. However, green compliments a whole lot of colors. If he doesn't want sage walls, you could go with an earthy beige and add green accents in the rug, throw pillows, etc. For your wedding colors, pick his favorite and put the two together. You can do gorgeous things with green and blue, green and purple, green and yellow, green and brown, etc. The only combo I might stay away from is green and red, but even that could work for a Christmas wedding.
The key here is that you need to learn how to work green into a color scheme so it won't look like "leprechaun vomit," and he needs to appreciate green when it's used in moderation.
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Pitfalls of the Information Age
Fran asks:
HELP!!! My wedding website is on my STD but no one is using it to check out the hotel accomodations for my out of town wedding, and they keep calling me and asking me for informaiton, and I tell them to just check out the website because all the informaiton is there, but they say they don't have time to do that. So I end up letting all these calls go to voicemail because *I* don't have time to instruct people how to do the internet. I even made sure instructions were clear: There are 2 hotels, the addresses and phn numbers are listed. The proximity to the airport, the rates for several room types at each property, and the cancellation policy, and the number to call in order to book the rooms, and the name and group number for the blocked rate we arranged. We also have an RSVP feature that tells them to add their name if they want to be added to the rooming list if they did not book with the group. My wedding is in 3 months! HOW can I make it easier for them, and FOR ME???
Unfortunately, one of the less fun aspects of hosting a large event is dealing with redundant questions from guests. A lot of people don't have access to high speed internet, and many--especially older generations--may really not understand how to access the information you've provided. There's nothing you can do to change their behavior, and so instead we turn to changing the way you react.
To make things easier on yourself, have the information handy in a printable or email-able format to provide to anyone who calls with questions. That way, instead of spending 30 minutes waiting for Aunt Mary to remember which little icon thingy to click to get to the internets, you can let her know that you're mom will give her the list of hotels when they meet for dinner next Sunday. For close friends or relatives you speak with often, a casual email is appropriate. You could even snail mail the information to the extreme Luddites.
And here's a little piece of bonus advice: leave your cell phone at home on the wedding day. It sounds like you might have the type of guests who wouldn't think twice about calling in the middle of your hair appointment to get directions to the church.
HELP!!! My wedding website is on my STD but no one is using it to check out the hotel accomodations for my out of town wedding, and they keep calling me and asking me for informaiton, and I tell them to just check out the website because all the informaiton is there, but they say they don't have time to do that. So I end up letting all these calls go to voicemail because *I* don't have time to instruct people how to do the internet. I even made sure instructions were clear: There are 2 hotels, the addresses and phn numbers are listed. The proximity to the airport, the rates for several room types at each property, and the cancellation policy, and the number to call in order to book the rooms, and the name and group number for the blocked rate we arranged. We also have an RSVP feature that tells them to add their name if they want to be added to the rooming list if they did not book with the group. My wedding is in 3 months! HOW can I make it easier for them, and FOR ME???
Unfortunately, one of the less fun aspects of hosting a large event is dealing with redundant questions from guests. A lot of people don't have access to high speed internet, and many--especially older generations--may really not understand how to access the information you've provided. There's nothing you can do to change their behavior, and so instead we turn to changing the way you react.
To make things easier on yourself, have the information handy in a printable or email-able format to provide to anyone who calls with questions. That way, instead of spending 30 minutes waiting for Aunt Mary to remember which little icon thingy to click to get to the internets, you can let her know that you're mom will give her the list of hotels when they meet for dinner next Sunday. For close friends or relatives you speak with often, a casual email is appropriate. You could even snail mail the information to the extreme Luddites.
And here's a little piece of bonus advice: leave your cell phone at home on the wedding day. It sounds like you might have the type of guests who wouldn't think twice about calling in the middle of your hair appointment to get directions to the church.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wedding Disaster?
Jazzmyhnn asks:
HELP!!! I forgot to put "AND GUEST" on my invitations for the guests I invite as singles but they are allowed a guest - How will they know?? Should I resend a retraction???
Whoa. Let's dial it back to maybe two question marks and no exclamation points. This isn't that big of a deal, and certainly doesn't require resending anything (particularly a retraction, which is technically the opposite of what you want to do).
Give the invitations a few days to arrive, then call your single guests to apologize for the oversight and inform them that they're more than welcome to bring a guest if they'd like. Done and done.
HELP!!! I forgot to put "AND GUEST" on my invitations for the guests I invite as singles but they are allowed a guest - How will they know?? Should I resend a retraction???
Whoa. Let's dial it back to maybe two question marks and no exclamation points. This isn't that big of a deal, and certainly doesn't require resending anything (particularly a retraction, which is technically the opposite of what you want to do).
Give the invitations a few days to arrive, then call your single guests to apologize for the oversight and inform them that they're more than welcome to bring a guest if they'd like. Done and done.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I Don't Think "Overbearing" Quite Covers It
Help! writes:
My fiance's family is a little nuts I think. His aunt asked us if certain friends of the family were invited, and due to budget and space, certain people were excluded from our list. We explained this to her, and kept the guest list to only immediate family members and very VERY few friends. His aunt printed up invitations on her computer with our wedding information on it and handed them out to the people she felt should have been invited, which is total about 20 people.
My future mother in law defended his aunt saying that she was just excited and we should let her just have this moment of happiness or whatever, but we're not in a position to let people create their own guest lists!!! I mean, we're adults and shouldn't be bullied by our elders into doing what they want us to do.
We have contacted these people as well as his aunt, but we're now afraid that some people may have been given an invitation without RSVPing and will just show up. Would it be wrong to now contact the people
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.
Well, no, I wouldn't have my guests present an invitation. They've been invited, and are abiding by the rules: why should they have to prove that they're in the right? That's terrible hosting.
But it's not rude to politely turn away uninvited guests at the door. If you can station a couple of people near the door, they should be able to head off the uninvited as they come in, or while they search for their table assignments or something similar. Anyone you choose for this job should be able to steer the offenders toward the door, telling them kindly but firmly that, no, in fact, letting them in simply won't be possible. Hope they have a good night.
But more troubling to me is that you never say what your fiance did about his mother and aunt. Did he tell them this was unacceptable behavior? Did he make it absolutely crystal clear that this was an appalling stunt? Or did he just sort of let them get away with it, and then clean up the mess?
Because, honey, if he's not reading them the riot act? This won't be the last time you're cleaning up a mess they insist they had a right to make. Do you want to live with that for the next fifty or sixty years?
Only worry about the uninvited once you've answered that question - because depending on how this situation went down, that worry might be moot.
When Family Gatherings Collide
Secret writes:
My wedding was yesterday. It was, well, there are no words. One of my mother's cousin's died in a horrific car accident last Wednesday, and it was a sad time for everyone. The funeral was planned by her children, for yesterday morning. We reluctantly decided to go through with the wedding since it was only several days out and so many of my new husband's family was in from another state to see us get married. They did not know my mom's cousin.
Well, many of my mother's relatives thought it was disrespectful for us to not cancel the wedding but we did not have insurance to get our money back. Some called my mother the evening before to see if we were cancelling, some flat out told her at the funeral that they couldn't sit and pretend to be happy for us when we were pretending that nothing more than our day was important. I swear we don't!! So about 45 of the guests on my side of the family did not show up to the reception and the room was quite empty, the guest list was only about 125 people. We would have considered cancelling if we knew we'd have to pay for 45+ no show guests and lose all of that money.
But regardless of all of that, since the money would have been spent anyway, should I issue a formal apology to my mother's relatives for going through with the wedding? We attended the funeral the morning of the wedding to show our respect so we cannot understand why so many guests decided to stay home to prove a point. Please help. We're sad we decided to get married that day after all if it was going to cause a family rift.
Yikes. That's a terrible situation to be in.
I think you were right to go ahead with the wedding. You don't say how close you or your mother were to this cousin, but I'm getting the vibe that it wasn't very. You attended the funeral that morning, you paid your respects. I'm not sure how cancelling your wedding would have shown more respect than that. I doubt it was an especially raucous affair: who wants to party hardy when they've just been at a funeral?
Your relatives are grieving, and grief can do strange things to people. I would let the subject drop until you have a reason to contact or see these relatives again - and then wait for them to bring it up. If they ignore it, they probably feel terrible for getting angry with you, but aren't sure how to go about apologizing themselves. If they apologize, accept gracefully; if they yell at you, apologize to them. Keep in mind that this isn't really about you at all: it's about them, and how they're dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wedding Gift Etiquette
Matilda asks:
I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I ordered a gift off of their registry and had it sent directly to them at home, however it likely won't arrive before the wedding. Should I take a card to the wedding? If so, should I make mention of the gift in the card so that they don't think I stiffed them?
These days, it's less likely for people to bring gifts to the wedding than it is for them to have them shipped. According to Emily Post, wedding guests have up to a year after the event to send a gift. If yours has already been ordered, it will likely arrive in a matter of days or weeks. The bride and groom should think you stiffed them simply because you didn't bring a gift to the reception.
If you don't feel comfortable showing up empty-handed, a card is certainly appropriate. You may find it a convenient way to provide the couple with either a gift receipt or the tracking information for the shipment. If they're going on a honeymoon, they'll want to have the post office hold their packages.
I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I ordered a gift off of their registry and had it sent directly to them at home, however it likely won't arrive before the wedding. Should I take a card to the wedding? If so, should I make mention of the gift in the card so that they don't think I stiffed them?
These days, it's less likely for people to bring gifts to the wedding than it is for them to have them shipped. According to Emily Post, wedding guests have up to a year after the event to send a gift. If yours has already been ordered, it will likely arrive in a matter of days or weeks. The bride and groom should think you stiffed them simply because you didn't bring a gift to the reception.
If you don't feel comfortable showing up empty-handed, a card is certainly appropriate. You may find it a convenient way to provide the couple with either a gift receipt or the tracking information for the shipment. If they're going on a honeymoon, they'll want to have the post office hold their packages.
Friday, July 23, 2010
To Plus One or Not To Plus One
Yvonne asks:
I am divorced but close with my ex husband's family because we were married for a few years and have known each other since teenagers. I was invited to his neice's wedding with a guest. We have been divorced for about two years now, and my sister told me that it would not be appropriate to show up with a guest, that they were just following proper etiquette. But I have been dating my new man for about 6 months now and feel he is a part of my life and should not be excluded just because my ex husband may be at the party. He and I did not part on the best of terms, but his sister is a wonderful person and we get along great. So is it wrong to bring a date to the wedding?
If you were invited to bring a guest then it is reasonable to expect that your guest will be welcome at the wedding. If your ex-husband's family didn't want you to bring anyone along, they'd have invited you as a single. If your new boyfriend doesn't have a problem spending a day in the company of your ex and his extended family, you are within your rights to bring him.
However, do consider that this is supposed to be a happy, stress-free day for your ex's niece. If you have any reason to believe that showing up with a date will cause a scene, then it may be best to stay home. This isn't the time to rub your new relationship in anyone's face, nor to prove that you're doing sooo much better now that you're rid of your ex. I'm not saying that these are your motivations, but if they are--or even if others might think they are--it's not worth the drama.
I am divorced but close with my ex husband's family because we were married for a few years and have known each other since teenagers. I was invited to his neice's wedding with a guest. We have been divorced for about two years now, and my sister told me that it would not be appropriate to show up with a guest, that they were just following proper etiquette. But I have been dating my new man for about 6 months now and feel he is a part of my life and should not be excluded just because my ex husband may be at the party. He and I did not part on the best of terms, but his sister is a wonderful person and we get along great. So is it wrong to bring a date to the wedding?
If you were invited to bring a guest then it is reasonable to expect that your guest will be welcome at the wedding. If your ex-husband's family didn't want you to bring anyone along, they'd have invited you as a single. If your new boyfriend doesn't have a problem spending a day in the company of your ex and his extended family, you are within your rights to bring him.
However, do consider that this is supposed to be a happy, stress-free day for your ex's niece. If you have any reason to believe that showing up with a date will cause a scene, then it may be best to stay home. This isn't the time to rub your new relationship in anyone's face, nor to prove that you're doing sooo much better now that you're rid of your ex. I'm not saying that these are your motivations, but if they are--or even if others might think they are--it's not worth the drama.
The Brideslaves
Meredithe writes:
I am getting married in February 2011 and want to know the best way to start scheduling my bridesmaid meetings. We need to discuss the dresses I picked out, their fittings, the days they are available to help assemble my favors of chocolates in a small box with tulle and jordan amonds, and then also to coordinate their hair. As you can see, there will be a lot to discuss. Mass email is so impersonal. I have 8 bridesmaids, and calling them on a conference call is one way. Another idea I had was to send newsletters with an RSVP date so they can let me know if a specific date works for them. Any good ideas?
Let me get this straight. These are your friends; the eight women you feel closest to, whom you can't imagine getting married without, and you want to put them to work? Is assembling favors some kind of an honor now?
There are three appropriate bridesmaids' "meetings": A shopping trip to pick out the dress, a luncheon--paid for by you--to thank them for standing up for you, and the wedding itself. All three are easily arranged through whatever mode of communication you usually use to speak with them. They can arrange dress fittings on their own. You may offer to make them hair, nail or makeup appointments at the same time you make your own, but it's not a requirement.
If they offer further help, you may mention that you have these favors to put together, and offer to provide wine and leftover chocolate if they provide their bow-tying skills for a couple hours. But you can't demand that they do your bitch work for you under the guise of an honor.
You chose these women because you love them and respect them. So treat them that way. It's a wedding, not a business arrangement. Don't lose sight of the fact that the most important thing is that you end the day married with the full support of those closest to you.
I am getting married in February 2011 and want to know the best way to start scheduling my bridesmaid meetings. We need to discuss the dresses I picked out, their fittings, the days they are available to help assemble my favors of chocolates in a small box with tulle and jordan amonds, and then also to coordinate their hair. As you can see, there will be a lot to discuss. Mass email is so impersonal. I have 8 bridesmaids, and calling them on a conference call is one way. Another idea I had was to send newsletters with an RSVP date so they can let me know if a specific date works for them. Any good ideas?
Let me get this straight. These are your friends; the eight women you feel closest to, whom you can't imagine getting married without, and you want to put them to work? Is assembling favors some kind of an honor now?
There are three appropriate bridesmaids' "meetings": A shopping trip to pick out the dress, a luncheon--paid for by you--to thank them for standing up for you, and the wedding itself. All three are easily arranged through whatever mode of communication you usually use to speak with them. They can arrange dress fittings on their own. You may offer to make them hair, nail or makeup appointments at the same time you make your own, but it's not a requirement.
If they offer further help, you may mention that you have these favors to put together, and offer to provide wine and leftover chocolate if they provide their bow-tying skills for a couple hours. But you can't demand that they do your bitch work for you under the guise of an honor.
You chose these women because you love them and respect them. So treat them that way. It's a wedding, not a business arrangement. Don't lose sight of the fact that the most important thing is that you end the day married with the full support of those closest to you.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Toast Masters
Laura asks:
I am attending the wedding of someone who, up until she was engaged, was perfectly normal. Since she started planning her wedding she's become a crazed psycho. She talks of nothing except her wedding, changes all subjects to be about her wedding, and seems to have forgotten her friends exist.
I pray she comes back down to planet Earth after her wedding.
She has asked me to give a toast at her wedding, but right now I can think of nothing nice to say. Should I decline or suck it up?
It sounds like your friend is one of those people who doesn't realize that no one cares about her wedding as much as she does. If her behavior has devolved to the point where you can't think of anything nice to say about her, you might want to say something to her.
For the sake of her relationships with all of her friends, it's time for someone to pull this girl aside and let her know--in the kindest terms possible--that there's a lot more going on in the world than her wedding, and that turning every conversation back to herself is rude, self-centered, and boring.
If you're really uncomfortable giving a toast, then politely decline. Giving her your reason may compromise your friendship, so if you wish to remain close you can blame it on stage fright or nerves.
But remember that this will pass (at least until she gets pregnant and thinks she's the first person in history to reproduce). If she goes back to normal when the wedding is over, will your friendship go back to the way it was? Will you regret not having done this? Wedding planning can be overwhelming, and it's been known to consume the lives of more than a few young brides. If you think this is a case of temporary insanity, you may decide it's worth it to reach into the depths of your memory and base your toast on the person she was before the diamond ring ate her brain.
I am attending the wedding of someone who, up until she was engaged, was perfectly normal. Since she started planning her wedding she's become a crazed psycho. She talks of nothing except her wedding, changes all subjects to be about her wedding, and seems to have forgotten her friends exist.
I pray she comes back down to planet Earth after her wedding.
She has asked me to give a toast at her wedding, but right now I can think of nothing nice to say. Should I decline or suck it up?
It sounds like your friend is one of those people who doesn't realize that no one cares about her wedding as much as she does. If her behavior has devolved to the point where you can't think of anything nice to say about her, you might want to say something to her.
For the sake of her relationships with all of her friends, it's time for someone to pull this girl aside and let her know--in the kindest terms possible--that there's a lot more going on in the world than her wedding, and that turning every conversation back to herself is rude, self-centered, and boring.
If you're really uncomfortable giving a toast, then politely decline. Giving her your reason may compromise your friendship, so if you wish to remain close you can blame it on stage fright or nerves.
But remember that this will pass (at least until she gets pregnant and thinks she's the first person in history to reproduce). If she goes back to normal when the wedding is over, will your friendship go back to the way it was? Will you regret not having done this? Wedding planning can be overwhelming, and it's been known to consume the lives of more than a few young brides. If you think this is a case of temporary insanity, you may decide it's worth it to reach into the depths of your memory and base your toast on the person she was before the diamond ring ate her brain.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Daddy Dearest Doesn't Like Wire Hangers, Either
Sweetheart writes:
My dad told me to book whatever place I wanted for my wedding, and not to worry that he'd help me out. He came with me to look at a place he actually suggested, and on the drive home he started accusing me of only spending time with him to get his money, and not to expect a dime. He often did this to my mom and they divorced, but I never thought he'd do this to me. As far as I am concerned, his money is his. I don't want to ruin my relationship, but is there a good way top tell him I just want his blessing, and I don;t need his money? If it is his love or money, I'll take the love. I just think we left off on a bad note after this venue visit.
"Dad, I think we left things on a bad note the other day. I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your offer very, very much, and it's incredibly kind of you, but I won't be taking you up on it. "
Your dad's money has strings - nasty, cruel, abusive strings. So don't take it. Pay for the wedding yourself, and avoid this particular pitfall with your dad.
But be aware that he may not stop hectoring you about your affection - or his perception of the lack thereof - anytime soon. If he did this to your mother while they were married, it's obviously not really about money or love, but about control. He wants to control you, and if he can use money, great; if he can use guilt, even better. Accusing someone of loving them only for money, and doing so repeatedly, is not the sign of a mentally healthy individual. So take everything he says with a grain of salt the size of Montana, if necessary, if you'd like to continue a relationship; and recognize that you're under no obligation to continue a relationship with someone who treats you like this.
Congratulations on your marriage, and good luck!
Friday, June 11, 2010
I Can't Imagine Why She Doesn't Like You
Shaherezade (sic) writes:
My mother in law to be is a real bitcheroo. I don't her (sic) name permanently embalzoned (sic) on my fancy wedding invitations, especially because she is so mean and purposely not giving us money for the wedding because she specifically told my fiancee that if he were marrying someone else she'd have no problem giving us some cash. We didn't even ask her for her money! So hopefully she'll be dead soon, and then I won't have to see her face with the hairy chin mole. But she keeps insiting (sic) on having her name on our invitation and my fiancee (sic) is trying to convince me this is the right thing to do because MY parent's (sic) are on it. WELL, my parents have helped secure really good deals with all of our vendors and also offered to pay for the invitation we choose! I cannot murder this woman, so how do we get her off our backs???
Okay, technically--technically--you are right not to include your future mother-in-law's name on the invitation. Etiquette dictates that the hosts of the wedding are named on the invitation. Traditionally, the hosts are the bride's parents. So, formal, traditional wedding invitations typically will not list the groom's parents.
However, you need to seriously check your attitude. Calling her names and wishing her dead are things that a horrible, spoiled child would do. Your concern here has nothing to do with etiquette and everything to do with wanting to punish this woman for not giving you money. When I feel your motivations are wrong, I tend to side with the other party. It won't kill you to put her name on the invitation, and since your parents aren't actually hosting the wedding they have little more right to be named than she does. Suck it up and stop being a bitch. Right now you have the choice to be the bigger person and make peace with your new family, or secure your position as the hated daughter in law. Why would you have any interest in the latter? Grow up.
If I were your future mother-in-law I wouldn't be supporting my son's decision to marry you either. Does your future husband know how much you hate his mother? You might want to show him this little missive before he makes the mistake of walking down the aisle with you. I personally would have zero interest in joining my life permanently to someone whose family I could not stand, nor would I want to marry someone who spoke so hatefully of my family.
My mother in law to be is a real bitcheroo. I don't her (sic) name permanently embalzoned (sic) on my fancy wedding invitations, especially because she is so mean and purposely not giving us money for the wedding because she specifically told my fiancee that if he were marrying someone else she'd have no problem giving us some cash. We didn't even ask her for her money! So hopefully she'll be dead soon, and then I won't have to see her face with the hairy chin mole. But she keeps insiting (sic) on having her name on our invitation and my fiancee (sic) is trying to convince me this is the right thing to do because MY parent's (sic) are on it. WELL, my parents have helped secure really good deals with all of our vendors and also offered to pay for the invitation we choose! I cannot murder this woman, so how do we get her off our backs???
Okay, technically--technically--you are right not to include your future mother-in-law's name on the invitation. Etiquette dictates that the hosts of the wedding are named on the invitation. Traditionally, the hosts are the bride's parents. So, formal, traditional wedding invitations typically will not list the groom's parents.
However, you need to seriously check your attitude. Calling her names and wishing her dead are things that a horrible, spoiled child would do. Your concern here has nothing to do with etiquette and everything to do with wanting to punish this woman for not giving you money. When I feel your motivations are wrong, I tend to side with the other party. It won't kill you to put her name on the invitation, and since your parents aren't actually hosting the wedding they have little more right to be named than she does. Suck it up and stop being a bitch. Right now you have the choice to be the bigger person and make peace with your new family, or secure your position as the hated daughter in law. Why would you have any interest in the latter? Grow up.
If I were your future mother-in-law I wouldn't be supporting my son's decision to marry you either. Does your future husband know how much you hate his mother? You might want to show him this little missive before he makes the mistake of walking down the aisle with you. I personally would have zero interest in joining my life permanently to someone whose family I could not stand, nor would I want to marry someone who spoke so hatefully of my family.
Well, I'm Just Not Sure
Brittanie asks:
Is it wrong to invite my ex to my wedding?
The problem is, without a little more information I can't give a conclusive answer. Brittanie, if you're reading this, please contact us again and answer the following questions:
1. Is this an ex boyfriend or ex husband?
2. How well do you get along? Be honest.
3. How does your current fiance feel about this guy?
4. Do you have any children together?
5. Do you still have feelings for him?
Once you answer these, you may be able to get a good idea on your own of what my response will be. But still, send 'em in just in case.
This is one of those situations that you really need to take on a case by case basis. My husband and I personally didn't invite any exes to our wedding. I know couples that are still great friends with their exes and couldn't imagine not inviting them. It all depends on your specific circumstances.
And a note to our readers: we work best with lots of information. Please try to be as detailed as possible when sending in questions. In certain circumstances, we may attempt to email you for clarification. We promise you can feel safe entering a real email address in our contact form, as this is the one and only purpose that email will be used for.
Is it wrong to invite my ex to my wedding?
The problem is, without a little more information I can't give a conclusive answer. Brittanie, if you're reading this, please contact us again and answer the following questions:
1. Is this an ex boyfriend or ex husband?
2. How well do you get along? Be honest.
3. How does your current fiance feel about this guy?
4. Do you have any children together?
5. Do you still have feelings for him?
Once you answer these, you may be able to get a good idea on your own of what my response will be. But still, send 'em in just in case.
This is one of those situations that you really need to take on a case by case basis. My husband and I personally didn't invite any exes to our wedding. I know couples that are still great friends with their exes and couldn't imagine not inviting them. It all depends on your specific circumstances.
And a note to our readers: we work best with lots of information. Please try to be as detailed as possible when sending in questions. In certain circumstances, we may attempt to email you for clarification. We promise you can feel safe entering a real email address in our contact form, as this is the one and only purpose that email will be used for.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
It's Not Your Party, But You Can Whine If You Want To
Jibba Jabba writes:
How do I tell mom I don't want her to invite her random friends to my shower? They aren't invited to the wedding, the wedding that I am paying for. I don't know these people. Or does she get to invite whomever she wants because she's chosen to host a shower?
You have two issues here, Jibba. First, no, you can't tell your mother whom to invite to a party she's hosting. She's the hostess; she makes the decisions.
Except when your second issue rears its head: No, she can't invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding. Ever. For any reason. It's tacky, it's gift-grabby, and it simply Shouldn't Be Done.
Both of you are in the wrong, here, so it's time to start over. Thank your mother for offering to throw you a shower, and then give her your wedding guest list. Remind her - gently, please! - that only those invited to the wedding may be considered to be guests at a shower, and that your guest list is final. This is the end of your input on the shower.
If your mother insists on inviting her friends, regardless of their being invited to the wedding, well, then she looks rude. Remember that you can only control your own actions and reactions. You can't make your mother do what you want; you can only guide her in the right direction and then let anything else roll off your back.
A note, here, on family throwing showers: I know I may get some comments that disagree with me, but I don't believe family throwing showers is rude anymore. It used to be that when a woman was living at home before her marriage, her getting a lot of stuff at the shower was of immediate benefit to the family, and therefore, it was tacky for them to be involved in shower-planning.
Considering that women should be out of their parents' home before they marry these days, I can't see how immediate family benefit when their grown child receives gifts, so the whole "mom throwing the shower" point isn't one of poor etiquette.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
No. Don't Do That.
Callie asks:
I want a baby but my fiance doesn't want kids yet. I am ready! We're gonna do it sooner or later anyway and we already live together and have good jobs. We're both in our 20's, so it's not like we're very very young. How do I get him to see that it's not so scary to have a baby now? I think if it just happens, he'll be okay with it, but I don't want him to be mad at me if I were to tell him it's okay not to pull out on a night that it's possible for me to get preggo.
Callie, Callie, Callie. The idea of you procreating is scary to me, so I'm going to have to side with your fiance on this one. You are not ready yet, not by a long shot. For one, you aren't married. For another, your FI isn't ready, and for third, you current plan involves lying to him. "We're gonna do it sooner or later" is not a valid reason to do it now. When you're in your 20s, a couple years can make a big difference in both personality and maturity. You obviously have a lot of maturing left to do, and your fiance is right to want to wait for that to happen before bringing children into the world.
Shouldn't you be busy planning a wedding right now? Focus on getting down the aisle, then start thinking about kids. Living together and having good jobs are not the only qualifiers for being good parents. One big one that you're missing is that both partners should be ready and willing to accept children. Sure, accidents happen and people adapt. But what you're planning isn't an accident. It's deception, and it's a terrible way to start a family. You and your fiance have a lot to work on before you should even think about having children.
I want a baby but my fiance doesn't want kids yet. I am ready! We're gonna do it sooner or later anyway and we already live together and have good jobs. We're both in our 20's, so it's not like we're very very young. How do I get him to see that it's not so scary to have a baby now? I think if it just happens, he'll be okay with it, but I don't want him to be mad at me if I were to tell him it's okay not to pull out on a night that it's possible for me to get preggo.
Callie, Callie, Callie. The idea of you procreating is scary to me, so I'm going to have to side with your fiance on this one. You are not ready yet, not by a long shot. For one, you aren't married. For another, your FI isn't ready, and for third, you current plan involves lying to him. "We're gonna do it sooner or later" is not a valid reason to do it now. When you're in your 20s, a couple years can make a big difference in both personality and maturity. You obviously have a lot of maturing left to do, and your fiance is right to want to wait for that to happen before bringing children into the world.
Shouldn't you be busy planning a wedding right now? Focus on getting down the aisle, then start thinking about kids. Living together and having good jobs are not the only qualifiers for being good parents. One big one that you're missing is that both partners should be ready and willing to accept children. Sure, accidents happen and people adapt. But what you're planning isn't an accident. It's deception, and it's a terrible way to start a family. You and your fiance have a lot to work on before you should even think about having children.
Monday, June 7, 2010
You're Asking The Wrong Questions
Kev's Princess writes:
My boyfriend of 6 months proposed to me just a few weeks ago. Yay! But now he wants to move in together before the wedding, and thinks we should have a secret wedding so we don't have to live in sin, but I really wanted the big wedding. I already started planning a wedding for next summer, but he's insisting on going through with this one. Part of me thinks it will be a lot of fun to have a secret marriage, but I am wondering if it will interfere with my real wedding next summer? Will the wedding be legal or will we be considered married twice which is against the law? So confused.
To answer the question you're asking, secret weddings are never okay. You can't do it. No church will marry you if you're already married. If you're planning a civil ceremony for the big wedding, I suppose it can be faked, but it would be very tacky. The truth will come out, and how will your guests feel when they realize that all they've witnessed is a farce? Tell Kev that there is absolutely no way you can have a secret wedding.
In fact, I would highly suggest you not have a wedding at all. Sometimes I like to play a little game called "Count the Red Flags." Everyone see how many you can come up with.
Got your answer? Okay.
I counted 6. Kev's Princess, I think you have a little problem here.
1. You've only been together for 6 months. My father always told me that you have to experience something through all four seasons before you make a permanent decision. You've only made it through 2. I know, I know. Everyone has a story of that special couple who got married the week they met, and against all odds stayed married for 50 years. This is an exception. A MAJOR exception. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're one of them. In order to make such a major decision in such a short time and make it work, you need to be self-actualized enough not to write to second rate blogs for relationship advice.
2. You can't even agree on the wedding. Did you just start planning the summer wedding without considering when or how he wanted to get married? Wedding planning is a great time to practice the art of compromise. You two aren't there yet.
3. Kev is insisting. It sounds like you're at least willing to entertain his ideas, however bad they may be. He's not offering you the same courtesy. This goes with #2. If he's unwilling to compromise on this, will he be willing to compromise on the division of household chores? Major financial decisions? Child-rearing? What happens when he wants sex and you have a headache?
4. You're looking for loopholes, and are wishy-washy on your values. One or both of you doesn't believe in living together before marriage. That's fine. But when you don't believe in living together before marriage, you don't live together until you are publicly married. Figuring out a way to have your cake and eat it too is not really the point of having values. And really, how strong can your convictions be if you're willing to let people think you're living together out of wedlock just so you can have your happy fancy wedding day?
5. There is nothing fun about a secret marriage. Keeping that big a secret from everyone you know is stressful. Marriage is about two people publicly joining their lives. If you're skipping the public part, you're missing the point.
6. The email address from which you sent your question suggests that you already have a child. Are these the values you want to teach your little boy? Marriage is something to be jumped into. It's okay to lie to people in order to get what you want. God just wants you to technically be following the rules, your intentions don't matter. What stepdad says goes, even if it's not what mom wants.
Think about that.
My boyfriend of 6 months proposed to me just a few weeks ago. Yay! But now he wants to move in together before the wedding, and thinks we should have a secret wedding so we don't have to live in sin, but I really wanted the big wedding. I already started planning a wedding for next summer, but he's insisting on going through with this one. Part of me thinks it will be a lot of fun to have a secret marriage, but I am wondering if it will interfere with my real wedding next summer? Will the wedding be legal or will we be considered married twice which is against the law? So confused.
To answer the question you're asking, secret weddings are never okay. You can't do it. No church will marry you if you're already married. If you're planning a civil ceremony for the big wedding, I suppose it can be faked, but it would be very tacky. The truth will come out, and how will your guests feel when they realize that all they've witnessed is a farce? Tell Kev that there is absolutely no way you can have a secret wedding.
In fact, I would highly suggest you not have a wedding at all. Sometimes I like to play a little game called "Count the Red Flags." Everyone see how many you can come up with.
Got your answer? Okay.
I counted 6. Kev's Princess, I think you have a little problem here.
1. You've only been together for 6 months. My father always told me that you have to experience something through all four seasons before you make a permanent decision. You've only made it through 2. I know, I know. Everyone has a story of that special couple who got married the week they met, and against all odds stayed married for 50 years. This is an exception. A MAJOR exception. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're one of them. In order to make such a major decision in such a short time and make it work, you need to be self-actualized enough not to write to second rate blogs for relationship advice.
2. You can't even agree on the wedding. Did you just start planning the summer wedding without considering when or how he wanted to get married? Wedding planning is a great time to practice the art of compromise. You two aren't there yet.
3. Kev is insisting. It sounds like you're at least willing to entertain his ideas, however bad they may be. He's not offering you the same courtesy. This goes with #2. If he's unwilling to compromise on this, will he be willing to compromise on the division of household chores? Major financial decisions? Child-rearing? What happens when he wants sex and you have a headache?
4. You're looking for loopholes, and are wishy-washy on your values. One or both of you doesn't believe in living together before marriage. That's fine. But when you don't believe in living together before marriage, you don't live together until you are publicly married. Figuring out a way to have your cake and eat it too is not really the point of having values. And really, how strong can your convictions be if you're willing to let people think you're living together out of wedlock just so you can have your happy fancy wedding day?
5. There is nothing fun about a secret marriage. Keeping that big a secret from everyone you know is stressful. Marriage is about two people publicly joining their lives. If you're skipping the public part, you're missing the point.
6. The email address from which you sent your question suggests that you already have a child. Are these the values you want to teach your little boy? Marriage is something to be jumped into. It's okay to lie to people in order to get what you want. God just wants you to technically be following the rules, your intentions don't matter. What stepdad says goes, even if it's not what mom wants.
Think about that.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Quickies
Two quick answers to short questions. Get your minds out of the gutter.
Jennifer writes:
I was invited to a wedding out-of-town, due to budget we cannot go. I sent my regrets along with a brief note. Is it bad if I don't send a gift? Money is tight, so to me a card is sufficient, but it's a first cousin and I don't want them to think I am being cheap.
A gift is just that: a gift. It is neither an obligation nor a requirement, and therefore, no, it is not necessary to send one. If your financial situation will improve within the next year, however, it is considered perfectly appropriate to send a wedding present at any time in the couple's first year of marriage, so you can always send one in a few months.
Jennifer writes:
I was invited to a wedding out-of-town, due to budget we cannot go. I sent my regrets along with a brief note. Is it bad if I don't send a gift? Money is tight, so to me a card is sufficient, but it's a first cousin and I don't want them to think I am being cheap.
A gift is just that: a gift. It is neither an obligation nor a requirement, and therefore, no, it is not necessary to send one. If your financial situation will improve within the next year, however, it is considered perfectly appropriate to send a wedding present at any time in the couple's first year of marriage, so you can always send one in a few months.
* * *
Salivary Gland (ew) writes:
Horseflys. I hate them. I like to keep the windows opened during the warm weather because of the fresh air business. But it lets the flies in! They only live for a week or two, so relief is in sight. I look forward to their little fly deaths. But is there a way to get rid of them without resorting to hanging fly paper as if it's a baby's first birthday? Fly paper is not a crepe paper streamer.
A quick Google perusal gave me several links to commercially produced fly repellents, and also a myriad of natural remedies. Lavender, citronella, pennyroyal, eucalyptus, lemongrass, and peppermint oils are all prescribed to combat flies; WikiHow has a step-by-step process listed for making a fly repellent, and this article from Equine World UK describes a couple of different products and natural remedies. Good luck and keep us posted about what works!
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