Whoa Baby!

Hot and Bothered asks:

What can I do? My husband is never in the mood for sex, and it's been about a month since the last time we were intimate that way. He just is afraid that because I am pregnant, it is dangerous, even though he logically knows different. BUT I caught him in the livingroom 3 times in the past 2 weeks "molesting himself" (sorry!) while watching porn. SO I know he wants to have the fun, just not with me. I tried sexy outfits, I tried explaining that it's nt dangerous, so I guess it's just me? Does this mean I should be considerate and wait until after the baby is born and our sex life now is in the coffin? Or is there anything else I can do? I am starting to feel really self conscious, and not sexy at all, because I know my belly is getting in the way so it's a constant reminder that he just doesn't want me that way anymore.

First, you have nothing to feel self-conscious about. If your husband doesn't recognize the beauty of your pregnancy, then he has problems that are bigger than your sex life.

He may have a legitimate--though irrational--fear that needs to be dealt with. Since your assurances that sex is safe aren't getting through to him, try taking him to your next appointment, and have the doctor explain it to him. If that doesn't work, the doctor may be able to suggest other ways for him to get over his phobia.

More importantly, tell him how you feel. Again, if this is caused by a phobia, he may not realize that rejecting you is hurting your self-confidence. Talk it through and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

You may decide to wait until after the baby is born to have sex, but I wouldn't wait that long to talk. In the chance that his problem isn't actually motivated by fear, you're prolonging the issue. There's always a possibility that more excuses will pop up as time goes, so you want to deal with this now.

The Bachelor Party

Izzabella writes:

My husband is going to be an usher in one of his old college buddy's wedding in a month and wants to go to the bachelor party, but the bach party is going to be a two-night trip over 4 hours away in a hotel with who knows what going on. If he was single, I can probably see why he'd want to go. But he's married (obviously, if he is my husband) and I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to participate in debauchery. I think that he should be the example and stay home with his family, maybe go to meet the guys for lunch or dinner the second night and then come home. He thinks that this is a tradition and he should participate because he's in the wedding and that is what the men do. But he won't tell me what they have planned because he said it's a bach party and women shouldn't be involved, I should just trust him. It's not that I don't trust him but I just don't think it's right for a married guy to spend a weekend pretending he's not married. How can I explain this to my husband without making it seem like I want him to not have friends??

I think, ultimately, your comfort with your husband's participation in this party comes down to what exactly will be going on during it--and he doesn't seem willing to tell you. That, to me, is a red flag.

So tell me, does "pretending he's not married" mean staying out until 4, getting drunk, and passing out on the bathroom floor? Or does it mean spending his last paycheck on lapdances? Because there's a big gap between the two.

Explain to your husband that his hesitation to tell you what they have planned doesn't warm you to the idea of his participation. Marriage is about openness, honesty and understanding. So try to compromise: if he can be open and honest about the plans, you can be understanding. If all they really want to do is drink beer and eat nachos, maybe you can let him hang out for a few days. If they want to see how many strippers they can get to sleeping with them in 48 hours, I can see why you wouldn't be too excited.

Probably the reality falls somewhere in between these two scenarios. So ask yourself. Is it okay for your husband to be in a strip club if he's not a participant in the festivities? Is the prospect of not being allowed to go emasculating to your husband? Do the two of you have that large of a disparity in values?

The key here is communication. Let him know exactly what you're not okay with, and why. And listen to him when he tells you what he wants to do with the guys and why it doesn't change how much he loves you. Once you're able to be clear with each other, you can come up with a solution that's acceptable for both of you.

Where The Towels Are His And His And Hers....

Jessie writes:


My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?


Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.


Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom. 


You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.


But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.


I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.


If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man? 


And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias. 


Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.

See If You Can Guess Our Theme Today

Erica writes:


An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook.  Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me.  I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently.  We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.



When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again.  I hope your life is good."  He didn't write back.  A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding.  In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.


So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding.  He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.


Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding?  I feel sorry for his new wife.  No bride should have to be a runner-up.


What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.


You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me. 


Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies. 


Stay out of it. 

Tuesday Quickies!

Jannie writes:


My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?


I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine. 


Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!

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Susie asks:

Why do we say "a pair of panties" when there is only one article of clothing to which we are referring?

For the same reason we say "a pair of pants" - we have two legs, the garment has two leg holes, and we naturally turn these things into plurals. 

More specifically, because it's a derivation of a word (pants) that has no singular form, also called a plurale tantum. 

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Ashamed And In Love writes:

My husband is very open to experimentation in the bedroom and for that I am happy because he loves fooling around. Lately he's asked if I would dominate him because he's curious, and if I wanted to use a strapon to teach him a lesson. I am not comfortable with this, and it makes me wonder if he has gay tenancies since he wants me to use a device to simulate gay sex acts on him. Please help.

If he owns rental properties and gay people pay him to live there, then yes. He has "gay tenancies".

If you're asking if your husband is gay because he wants to experiment? I refer you to my archives.

Who Said Marriage Was Hard?

Patricia writes:

My husband has been working a LOT lately - he is a consultant and his practice group won more work than they anticipated, so he (and the rest of his team) have been averaging 80-100hrs/week since late May, early June, including a significant amount of out-of-state travel time.  He's been very stressed and is always focused on work, pulling several all-nighters at the tail end of this stretch.  The phrase "ships passing in the night" comes to mind.

Exactly a week ago (last Wednesday) he wrapped up his last major project (which had involved some all-nighters).  That night, I was hanging out in bed and he came upstairs - I expected him to vent about work and for the two of us to catch up.  And he vented, all right - he started by reiterating an issue we've had come up before, which is that I haven't developed the type of relationship with his family that he expected me to after we got married.  This has, in the past, boiled down to my not liking to talk on the phone, and (admitted) refusal to break that for his parents.  Now, however, it was much, much more than that - he claims that, unless we're up visiting his parents, I'm "cold" and I just "don't care."

And it went on, over the next two nights.  He told me he had essentially misled me (and possibly himself) as to major portions of his personality for the duration of our 5-year relationship.  Generally, he told me that he was unhappy with where he was in life and needed to "get away" to think about it and figure things out.  For example, he told me that he wanted to take a job that involved significant travel (3-4 days a week, regularly), and to be involved with volunteer groups and boards for business development, and would be OK with not being around the house about 6 days out of the week...but that I "kept him" from doing these things because "he knew" I wouldn't like it.  He "knows" that I don't like it, even when I specifically tell him that it's OK.

He spent two nights - Friday and Sunday - with his friends, leaving me at home with the dogs.  I generally embarassed myself multiple times when he WAS home, crying and telling him how our goals weren't mutually exclusive, how we could figure things out if he would just talk to me about the opportunities he wanted to pursue.  I begged him to understand that I was on his side and that things weren't adversarial.

Since the big outburst he has basically refused to pay attention to me and has avoided me as much as possible.  He had class Monday night after work, and stayed afterwards to "do homework."  (He would usually come home to do this.)  He emailed me Tuesday at 5:15 to let me know he was "stuck" at work and would be home at about 7:30.  He told me that he had found a networking event to go to on Wednesday evening, after our first marriage counseling session.

I've told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot deal with this.  He is pulling away from me, and I can't stop that.  I've told him more than once that this is not an acceptable way for him to deal with his issues.  While I want to help him figure things out, and while I want us to talk about these major life changes he's thrown at me and make a decision about them TOGETHER, I can't do that if he continues to withdraw and avoid me.

We saw a marriage counselor yesterday, and it seems like something that could be productive.  But he's going to his parents' this weekend on a pre-planed trip, and is traveling for work all next week (in fact, he told me specifically that they "wanted him there Monday morning," but that he would go out in the afternoon immediately after our next counseling session instead.  He opted not to go to the networking event after our first counseling session, but instead did work until about 7:45pm and then spent several hours on LinkedIn sending messages for his "networking."  He keeps telling me he hasn't checked out, and wants to make this work - he thought that sitting on his computer was "hanging out with me," and doesn't seem to know (or care) what I mean when I tell him I need us to shut up and make an effort to try to reconnect.

I'm at a loss.  Right now, and as I told him last night, I have all of the downsides of marriage (another person's schedule to be aware of, someone asking for validation and a "good job" every time they accomplish something at work, someone else's things in my house) and none of the benefits (sex, companionship, someone to split the responsibilities of running a household and walking the dogs).  My friends are telling me that he's being selfish and assy, but that counseling and time will help.  But me...I don't know if I read too much of the nest, but I feel like he's telling me, not with words but with actions, that he's "just not that into me."  I'm struggling right now with whether or not it's too soon to take "drastic" measures, like moving out.  We (and I hate saying "we," since I feel like it's really "he") have only been having these issues for a week now, but it's been months since we've had any time to spend together and just be husband and wife.  There is no practical (i.e. financial) reason for me not to leave - it's purely an emotional, is-this-really-doomed-and-if-not-how-long-do-I-stick-around-and-get-punched-in-the-gut issue.

I value your input.  Please give it.

 

The short answer is yes. I think it's too soon for you to take drastic measures. Your husband has been under considerable stress and pressure for months, and the two of you have been having problems for a week. Did it take you longer than a week to decide to get married? Why wouldn't you give divorce the same consideration?

Marriage is a life-long commitment. I don't care if right now you think you made a mistake. You still have a responsibility to honor your vows. The only way you'd get a pass from me is if staying in the marriage was causing you harm.

You say you're on his side, and that you support his career aspirations. But do you really? You don't speak to fondly of the last couple months when his schedule was busy. You complain that sharing your home and providing moral support to him are "the downsides" of marriage. And when he chose to work from home instead of going to an event you complained that the time you spent together wasn't quality. It sounds to me like he knows you better than you know yourself, because you are not on his side here. 

 

And let me just say--my husband works 80-100 hours in a slow week. I know what it's like to wish he was home more often. I also know that his drive and intelligence are two of the things that attracted me to him. If he didn't work as hard as he did, he wouldn't be the man I love. I appreciate every moment we get to spend together, even when we're both staring at our respective computer screens. Would you believe that being understanding of his schedule makes him less stressed out in his free time, which leads to more quality time for us? This is a situation where you need to adjust your expectations and choose your attitude.

I will grant you that he should have been more honest about his goals before you were married, and it was silly of him to think that putting a ring on your finger was going to magically change your relationship with his family. But it takes two to make a marriage work, and you are both going to have to give a little here.

Counseling is a step in the right direction, and the fact that you're already finding it productive is a good sign. No one is going to fix your relationship in one 50 minute session, though. It's going to take a lot of work from both of you. So start working and stop looking for the easy way out.

That's Not Your Problem

Stef writes:


My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?


So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?


Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.


The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.


You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies. 


Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him? 


Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?


If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.


If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes. 


This is no way to live. So stop living it.


Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. 

Bet I Can Guess His Grade-School Nickname!

Serena asks:


How do I get my husband to stop picking his nose in front of me? I asked him, and I tell him to use a tissue when I catch him. I just want him to not do it.


On the plus side, at least he feels comfortable enough around you to completely forget his manners, amiright? 


I think the best way to change his behavior is to make the consequence of it so great he can't ignore it. Every time he starts booger-mining, I would leave the room. No matter what's going on, what you're involved in, I would simply stand up and leave. Don't say anything to him as you go, either. 


When you think he's probably done, come back in. When he asks what that was all about, explain that you refuse to watch him be so gross, so every time he picks his nose, you'll be leaving the room. I mean, one of you should, right? Ideally, it would be him, going to the bathroom where he can use a tissue and wash his hands, but since that's not happening, it's gotta be you. At least for the foreseeable future. 

Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room

Rosalita asks:


Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?

I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).

Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.

The Name Game

Lainey asks:


Help!! I don't have a problem taking my husband's last name as a woman, you know? I WANT to be Mrs. His Last Name. But my finace just proposed (YAY!!) and I think he has the ugliest last name imaginable. It's never crossed my mind before, but I don't want to be known as Mrs. Schnitz, which is hella ugly!! How do I tell him I don't want to change my last name because his is so ugly?? I would rather keep my name and have our kids go by Schnitz Baker and then just Baker in school because Schnitz is so weird. I don't want to hurt his feelings!

So you've been dating this guy long enough to get engaged and whether or not you'd take his last name never came up in conversation?

At the end of the day, your last name is your decision. If you want to keep your maiden name, you really don't owe your fiance any explanation beyond "it's my name and I'm keeping it." When it comes to your children, however, it's a touchier subject. He has just as much right to share his last name with his children as you have to share yours. And there is no way to tell him his name is weird without hurting his feelings.

There are some compromises. You could change both your last names to something mutually agreeable. Some people give their sons the father's last name and their daughters the mother's last name.

Or, you could embrace the funny last name and make it your own, so to speak. I know plenty of people who have potentially awful last names that really seem to enjoy them. My own maiden name is virtually impossible to spell or pronounce, and when you say it correctly, it sounds like you just sneezed. But I loved it, and I was happy to have a last name that not a lot of people had. I changed it not because I found my husband's name any more or less desirable, but because I wanted our family to share one name.

Think about it this way, if your children's last name is Schnitz, you won't be tempted to name them things like Neveah Imunique Baker to make them stand out.

I'll Bet Her Breasts Are "Dirty Pillows"

Salvatrice writes:

I am embarrassed. I like my husband's thing, but sometimes I don't want to touch it just yet because of the goo coming out of the one end. I asked him if it was an STD because I am not so sure what kinds of things men deal with, and he said no. I don't know if I believe him. I keep tissues by the bed to wipe it off before we do it. Do you think this is a sign he cheated and caught a disease? I was a virgin but I am not sure he was when we got married because he said he was, but now I am not so sure because I did not see it leaking goo in photographs. Help. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to catch an STD either!

OK, people, listen up: This is what you get from abstinence-only sex education. This woman can't even call a penis a penis.

Salvatrice, that "goo" is probably pre-ejaculate, also known as pre-come. It helps to lubricate the urethra to make a safe, clean pathway for sperm. It is perfectly healthy, and a normal part of intercourse. The amount of pre-ejaculate varies from man to man, but almost all men produce at least a little bit. For some men, the amount is linked to arousal: the more intense and arousing the foreplay, the more pre-ejaculate he'll secrete.

Pre-ejaculate can contain STI pathogens, but the presence of sperm in it has been found to be rare.

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you invest in several basic sex and sexuality handbooks. A quick Amazon search for "sex and sexuality" brings up over 2,000 results. Read them cover to cover, and if you have more questions, seek out more answers. You can also consult a professional sex educator or sexologist in your area (Google "sex educators" with your city and state) and ask what s/he recommends to help you learn the basic facts about sex, sexuality, and sexual anatomy.

DO NOT watch porn for answers. Porn is very helpful in discovering kinks and predilictions, but it will be useless in helping you discover the facts about basic human sexual function. You need good, solid, medically-based information, and you need it yesterday.

Understanding basic sexual functioning and learning the proper names for body parts will, I promise, do wonders for your sex life, too. Once you're comfortable with the basics, you'll be able to explore your sexual likes and dislikes with your husband. But without a grounding in the basics, you'll never be able to discuss sex like the grown adults you are.

And to anyone else reading: This is why basic sex education is important. Every person should have access to basic, age-appropriate, medically accurate information about sex. I was lucky enough to have comprehensive sex ed in school, but there are plenty of other ways to get this information. Sex columnists like Dan Savage, websites like Scarleteen and Carnal Nation, and books like The Joy Of Sex are all excellent, sex-positive, accurate resources.

No one should go to her marriage bed calling a penis a "thing" and a normal secretion "goo".

I Don't Think "Overbearing" Quite Covers It

Help! writes:

My fiance's family is a little nuts I think. His aunt asked us if certain friends of the family were invited, and due to budget and space, certain people were excluded from our list. We explained this to her, and kept the guest list to only immediate family members and very VERY few friends. His aunt printed up invitations on her computer with our wedding information on it and handed them out to the people she felt should have been invited, which is total about 20 people.

My future mother in law defended his aunt saying that she was just excited and we should let her just have this moment of happiness or whatever, but we're not in a position to let people create their own guest lists!!! I mean, we're adults and shouldn't be bullied by our elders into doing what they want us to do.

We have contacted these people as well as his aunt, but we're now afraid that some people may have been given an invitation without RSVPing and will just show up. Would it be wrong to now contact the people
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.

Well, no, I wouldn't have my guests present an invitation. They've been invited, and are abiding by the rules: why should they have to prove that they're in the right? That's terrible hosting.

But it's not rude to politely turn away uninvited guests at the door. If you can station a couple of people near the door, they should be able to head off the uninvited as they come in, or while they search for their table assignments or something similar. Anyone you choose for this job should be able to steer the offenders toward the door, telling them kindly but firmly that, no, in fact, letting them in simply won't be possible. Hope they have a good night.

But more troubling to me is that you never say what your fiance did about his mother and aunt. Did he tell them this was unacceptable behavior? Did he make it absolutely crystal clear that this was an appalling stunt? Or did he just sort of let them get away with it, and then clean up the mess?

Because, honey, if he's not reading them the riot act? This won't be the last time you're cleaning up a mess they insist they had a right to make. Do you want to live with that for the next fifty or sixty years?

Only worry about the uninvited once you've answered that question - because depending on how this situation went down, that worry might be moot.

Why Wouldn't She Want To Clean Up After Someone As Sweet As You?

Nestor writes:

My wife is so lazy. We share house chores and I end up doing the majority of the stuff like laundry and garbage and dishes. She does some things also and we both work full time, but she took a week off from work just to take vacation days and ended up spending the week watching TV and filling out crossword puzzles. I would have preferred that she used her vacation for a trip we want to take rather than sit on her butt all week and do nothing. And then I get home from a long day of work and the dishes have piled up in the sink and the garbage is full and smells. I can understand wanting to rest, but how can I get her to see that she needs to at least clean up after herself like an adult? I am about to stay with my parents to show her that she needs to learn how to take care of the house just like I do. 

So, just out of curiosity, who is cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, paying the bills, mowing the lawn...you get my drift. Is it possible that you're so preoccupied by moaning about the chores you hate that you're losing sight of the things your wife does do?

Have you tried discussing your current division of labor and reassigning chores so you don't feel like you're stuck with all the bad ones? Your suggested solution of moving out before you talk like adults leads me to believe that you're not as right as you think you are.

The vacation issue is another situation where you need to use your words. Does your wife know you'd like to go on a trip? Have you actively discussed saving and planning for it, or do you just talk about it in abstract terms? Many companies have "use or lose" vacation policies, or perhaps her job is just stressful and she wanted a break. You can hardly blame her if she didn't know you had other plans for her time.

Sit down and have a mature conversation. Check the demeaning attitude at the door. Calling her lazy and telling her she doesn't contribute aren't going to inspire a helpful attitude. Start with "Hey, you know I really hate doing the dishes. How about we swap and I'll cook this week if you clean?" Maybe go on to say, "You know how we keep talking about going to Cancun? Let's figure out when we'll have the vacation time and the money and talk to a travel agent." Not so hard, is it?

iPod People

Sasseroni asks:

I hate that my husband wears his IPOD everywhere: when he walks to to the store a few blocks away, or rides public transport and even falls asleep. I am so afraid something will happen to him and he's unaware of his surroundings. He thinks I am overreacting. Am I???

Maybe a little bit. I'd be more concerned about long-term hearing loss than the likelihood of his getting mugged. For a quick walk to the store in a well-trafficked area, or his regular morning/afternoon commute it's not unreasonable for him to want to listen to music, especially if it helps the time pass faster. On the other hand, if he's wearing earphones while he's driving, or while in unpopulated, poorly lit, or unfamiliar territory, you do have cause for concern.

You may want to try to compromise here. Tell him you'd feel more comfortable if he left the iPod at home when he's traveling at night or going somewhere he's never been. Or, if the two of you are going somewhere together, tell him you'd rather him spend the time talking with you.

When he does use the iPod, ask him to make sure the volume is kept do a level that doesn't completely drown out ambient noise. He should still be able to speak with someone sitting next to him, and the people around him should not be able to hear what he's listening to.

The "Ooops" Baby

Amy writes:

Dear WYPF,

My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.

We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.

The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.

Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.

My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.

What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?

It gets more complex.

I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.

We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.

What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?

I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.

I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.

Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.

But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.

Not helping, am I?

You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.

However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.

You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.

Trading In Her "V" Card

Dear WYPF,

I was raised by good parents, and taught to believe that sex is something you share with someone you love. I'm not very religious, but in college, after seeing too many friends get STD's after thinking they were "in love" I decided to wait until marriage.

To give you a little background, I am a college educated, independent 32 year old woman. I own my own home, am self sufficient, and generally happy in life. I am marrying a man who respects my decision to wait.

I have two sisters and a brother however who did not choose to wait, and constantly ridicule me and call me a tease. They ask me how I could possibly marry someone I haven't slept with, because I don't know if he's good in bed, nor do I know if I am good in bed.

While I realize it's ridiculous it has put a small fear in me that I will be terrible in bed, and he will be disappointed he waited.

How do you feel about waiting until marriage to have sex?

Also, any tips on what to do the first night? I love this man deeply and I am 95% positive the sex will be incredible, but the other 5% is pure doubt.

- Anna

Well, Anna, I can't speak for Christy, but I feel waiting until after marriage is a mistake. It's an old analogy, but really: you don't buy a car without a test-drive, and you're not obligated to keep a car for the next fifty or sixty years. Sexual compatibility is one of the "Big Three" issues in marriage (the other two are money and kids), and while openly discussing your sexuality with your fiance is a good start, there's really no substitute for really seeing how you two manage between the sheets.

Being "good" or "bad" doesn't have anything to do with it, either. Being responsible certainly does, and you bring up a good point about sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). While condoms can help one avoid many common STIs, many others - including genital herpes and HPV, which is responsible for some forms of cervical cancer - aren't limited to transmission by fluids, and so can be acquired through any genital contact.

My personal opinion is that it's a good idea not to hook up with random strangers in order to avoid such STIs, but that doesn't mean that all sex is out forever. I believe God gave us our bodies to enjoy - every part of them. There's nothing sinful in enjoying vigorous exercise or a good meal, and I don't believe that there is anything sinful in pre-marital sex, as long as you're respectful of yourself and your partner.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with making the personal decision to wait until marriage. You have your own opinions and values, and it's rude of your siblings to ridicule you for them. (Though really: how did that ever come up in conversation, anyway? It's not a topic I've covered with my three brothers!) You've decided the best course for your life, and it seems to have served you well. I would never denigrate such successful decision-making. Your body is yours and no one else gets to make decisions about its use!

As to your wedding night, the best advice I can give is this: It will probably suck.

Most people's first times, even when they're with someone they care about and feel safe with, suck. For women, the first time can be painful. The vagina is not a negative space, waiting to be filled. It's a potential space, sort of like a pocket. When you have nothing in your pockets, they lay flat against your body. It is only when you put something in them that they expand and accommodate the object. If your body isn't used to accommodating objects - and if you have an intact hymen - there can be some discomfort. Like everything else in life, how much is specific to the woman involved. You may feel nothing; you may have to stop because it simply hurts too much.

I don't say that to scare you, but simply to let you know that all reactions along that scale are normal, and experiencing any of them shouldn't put you off sex or make you feel weird. You and your brand-new husband will probably be a little awkward, and you won't really get into the groove of pleasing each other for a while. That's normal! Take this period of adjustment as the opportunity it is, and explore each other.

Before you marry, I encourage you to have a frank and honest discussion about sex with your fiance. Discuss what you both like, what you dislike, what you find sexy or not, what sorts of experiences you have had. Think of this as the start of a lot of foreplay: talking about sex will get you thinking about having it, with your man, and will put you in a positive frame of mind for when the doors finally close behind you in the honeymoon suite.

You can't go wrong with books, either; even your local library should have some instructional books, as well as works of erotica to give you an idea of what you'd like to try. If that's a little too local, Amazon ships in nice plain brown boxes.

The best way to be good at sex is simply to enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost. If you two go into it with light hearts and the idea that you will have fun, you'll have a wonderful time - even if you just end up giggling most of the night. Don't force your first time to be anything other than it is: don't make it a test of the relationship, or a deeply solemn event. Have fun. Explore. Enjoy your body, and your husband's. That's what they're made for!

Congratulations on your marriage, and please, do write back to tell us how it went. Just please, leave out the details!

Picky Eaters and the Men Who Don't Love Them All That Much

Clint asks:

I love to try new foods and restaurants but my girlfriend is not adventurous and would rather go to TGIFridays or some other local bar restaurant. I love fried mac and cheese, but I want to propose and don't want to be stuck eating fried mac and cheese on a night out for the rest of my life. How do I tell her that she needs to try new stuff? I was hoping to propose at a new fancy French bistro but she refuses to go because she thinks all they serve is snails and gruel.

Well first, telling her she needs to try new things isn't going to work. It may even make her dig her heels in more. You need to encourage her and assure her that new foods won't kill her. Take baby steps. If she really doesn't think she likes French food, then find an Italian place, or even high-end American. Tell her where you're going is a surprise so she doesn't have time to protest. Let her order what she wants for a main dish, but pick an appetizer to share that's a little more adventurous, and encourage her to taste what you're having.

As her confidence builds, you can try more and more exotic restaurants. Tapas and Mezza are great for picky eaters, because you can try a variety and the portions are small. This way, if she tries something she really doesn't like, there's always something else to move on to.

Keep in mind that you shouldn't completely cut out TGIFridays as an option. Cheap, fried and delicious isn't always a bad thing. Maybe alternate who gets to choose the restaurant each date, or agree that every 3rd date has to be at a place you've never tried. If she's absolutely unwilling to bend, then you have bigger problems. Marriage is about compromise, and if she's unwilling to meet you halfway on this, imagine the fights that will ensue when you're dealing with visiting in-laws or raising children.

And while we're on the subject of marriage, you need to seriously re-think your planned proposal. Why in the world would you want to pop the question in a place where she doesn't even want to be? Is hungry and cranky really the state of mind you want her in for this particular event? This moment is about the two of you together, not about her fitting into some image of what you wish she could be. Surely you two have some common interests; obviously food isn't one of them. Propose at a park or on the beach or in your living room, but for God's sake, not in a restaurant that you already know she won't enjoy or appreciate.

Catholics Aren't the Best People to Ask About This

Lady writes:

I have a question which is going to pertain to something having to do with my husband and family and all the like but mostly probably myself. I am trying to be a very virtuous woman as the Bible does instruct me to but my husband likes me to not be so virtuous in ways I do not think the bible likes. For instance he likes me to wear lewd clothing that does not allow for modesty even though I know that the whores on the Vegas strip are most likely the women he wants me to start to look like for fun even though it is only in the house he wants me to be so provocative. Have you ever see these women who dress as if they are going swimming at any moment because these are the women he probably likes for me to aspire to so you know what I mean. Their shorts may as well be underwear and their top may as well not be there and a virtuous woman dresses in another way and has class. If we have children this will not make for an excellent example of modesty and womanhood and female ways of perperness. Thank you!

Well, Lady, you're quite welcome.

If I'm understanding correctly, I think what you're asking is if it's considered Biblically proper to dress in provocative lingerie for your husband.

Because I'm not an expert on literal Scripture interpretation, I looked up what I could about Bible references to lingerie. What I found was that the Good Book doesn't reference dressing for sexual purposes directly - in fact, the Bible doesn't say very much specifically about sexual habits at all. The Marriage Bed, a site for married Christian couples, outlines what the Bible has to say about sexuality within marriage, and it doesn't look like lingerie should be considered a problem.

The Bible does seem to have quite a lot to say on the subject of modesty, but none of it has to do with the marital relationship.

I think that if your husband's request truly bothers you on a spiritual level, you should seek some answers from your clergyman; he'll be able to guide you and your husband to a happy compromise in this matter.

My own opinion is that there is nothing improper in wearing something visually enticing for your husband. Good sex helps build a good marriage, and good sex thrives on novelty. Different positions, different clothing, different locations - all of these help keep the spice in your relationship. Don't be afraid to experiment with new ways of expressing your love.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Oh, I Was Supposed to Keep Those Vows?

Name Withheld writes:

I cheated on my husband and now I am pregnant, and I am not sure if there is a chance it may not be his, we weren't even trying for a baby! How do I break the news, he's so happy for a new baby? The two guys look alike so I may be able to keep this to myself for a while, right?

If you want to save your marriage, shut your mouth.

Yes, that's right. Don't say a damn thing. Your husband is excited about this child; he wants to be a loving, functional family. You don't know that it's the other man's baby, and it might not be, so stop the affair and shut up. The only thing you'll accomplish by confessing is breaking up your family and spreading the guilt around. It won't make your husband's life better. (It might make the baby's life better, but that's only if you do the right thing and give it up for adoption instead of raising it by yourself.)

And then solve the problems that led you to cheat in the first place. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, that those problems are fixable. If you're just a terrible human being who cheats for fun, then yes, you should tell your husband - right before you divorce him and give the baby up for adoption. If you're the most important thing in your world, there is no room for husband or child, and you do them both a disservice to pretend you care when you don't.

I hope you shape the fuck up after this. I really hope you do what's best for that child. I have to say, I'm not holding my breath on either count, so I'll end with this: Invest in a box of fucking condoms.

Enough About MIL: Let's Talk About You

Len writes:

How to deal with an intolerable mother in law? I know some can suck, but then there is mine and she sucks so bad that I sometimes wonder if my wife is going to turn into this monster of a beast. She comes over whenever she wants and my wife apologizes, but never tells her mother to announce herself so we can tell her if it's a good time. Then she comes in and my wife gets mad when I retreat to my den to hang out on the computer because she thinks I am not being social, and her mother complains that i am so rude. But I play it off, saying I am letting them have a private visit together! Why would she want to see me anyway? Whenever I am in her company she tells me what she doesn't like about how I look that day or how I can dress better if I go to the higher end stores. And it's my house, so if I like to keep my overflow of pots and pans in the stove (I do the majority of cooking), that is my business, right? It's not like the place is a mess. WHAT to do?

Well, I assume your wife was close to her mother before she married you, yes? I mean, this can't be news, that MIL wants to visit, and Mrs. Len wants to let her. This is not a MIL problem, Len - this is a you-and-your-wife problem.

First of all, the impression you paint in your letter is of someone who hates his MIL, is rude to her, and keeps a dirty house. People generally try to make themselves look good when describing their problems, Len, and if this is the best you can do, I really have to doubt that your MIL is the "monster of a beast" that you describe. She sounds like someone who thinks dropping in is perfectly OK, and who responds to rudeness with rudeness. Certainly, she's not perfect - no one is - but I think you have to look at your own behavior before you start pointing fingers.

Have you discussed that you don't like drop-ins with your wife? If her mother thinks dropping-in is fine, chances are, she does, too. If you don't tell you wife that you would prefer if she tell her mother to call first, you can't be angry when she doesn't. And don't tell me that she knows it's wrong because she apologizes: if my husband stormed off without even trading chit-chat with a visitor, my instinct would be to apologize, as well, if only to soften the blow of the chewing-out I'd give next.

Which brings me to my next point: You're rude to your MIL. No, you're not "letting them have a private visit". You're ignoring a guest in your home, to the point where both the guest and your wife have called you on it. This woman is part of your extended family. If you can't stand to chit-chat for ten or fifteen minutes, why did you marry your wife? Did you think that somehow she'd just drop her family when she married you? No. You agreed to be, at the very minimum, polite to her relatives when you said "I do". That doesn't change because you're disgruntled.

Is MIL wrong to criticize your clothing? Perhaps. Then again, I'm not in the room when she does it, and what you hear as criticism may simply be her saying, "Macy's is having a great sale on men's shirts this weekend. You should check it out." Given your description of "pans in the stove", I doubt your sartorial choices are even clean, let alone fashionable.

In this situation, you have to give a little to get a little. Clean your house, put on a good shirt, and be nice. You might be surprised at how far that'll get you, Len. If it doesn't get you anywhere at all, go ahead and fire us off another letter: we'll be happy to provide more help.