Whoa Baby!

Hot and Bothered asks:

What can I do? My husband is never in the mood for sex, and it's been about a month since the last time we were intimate that way. He just is afraid that because I am pregnant, it is dangerous, even though he logically knows different. BUT I caught him in the livingroom 3 times in the past 2 weeks "molesting himself" (sorry!) while watching porn. SO I know he wants to have the fun, just not with me. I tried sexy outfits, I tried explaining that it's nt dangerous, so I guess it's just me? Does this mean I should be considerate and wait until after the baby is born and our sex life now is in the coffin? Or is there anything else I can do? I am starting to feel really self conscious, and not sexy at all, because I know my belly is getting in the way so it's a constant reminder that he just doesn't want me that way anymore.

First, you have nothing to feel self-conscious about. If your husband doesn't recognize the beauty of your pregnancy, then he has problems that are bigger than your sex life.

He may have a legitimate--though irrational--fear that needs to be dealt with. Since your assurances that sex is safe aren't getting through to him, try taking him to your next appointment, and have the doctor explain it to him. If that doesn't work, the doctor may be able to suggest other ways for him to get over his phobia.

More importantly, tell him how you feel. Again, if this is caused by a phobia, he may not realize that rejecting you is hurting your self-confidence. Talk it through and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

You may decide to wait until after the baby is born to have sex, but I wouldn't wait that long to talk. In the chance that his problem isn't actually motivated by fear, you're prolonging the issue. There's always a possibility that more excuses will pop up as time goes, so you want to deal with this now.

Where The Towels Are His And His And Hers....

Jessie writes:


My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?


Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.


Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom. 


You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.


But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.


I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.


If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man? 


And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias. 


Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.

Tuesday Quickies!

Jannie writes:


My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?


I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine. 


Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!

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Susie asks:

Why do we say "a pair of panties" when there is only one article of clothing to which we are referring?

For the same reason we say "a pair of pants" - we have two legs, the garment has two leg holes, and we naturally turn these things into plurals. 

More specifically, because it's a derivation of a word (pants) that has no singular form, also called a plurale tantum. 

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Ashamed And In Love writes:

My husband is very open to experimentation in the bedroom and for that I am happy because he loves fooling around. Lately he's asked if I would dominate him because he's curious, and if I wanted to use a strapon to teach him a lesson. I am not comfortable with this, and it makes me wonder if he has gay tenancies since he wants me to use a device to simulate gay sex acts on him. Please help.

If he owns rental properties and gay people pay him to live there, then yes. He has "gay tenancies".

If you're asking if your husband is gay because he wants to experiment? I refer you to my archives.

Quickies!

Lamonica writes:


My coworker constantly farts loudly, loud enough that I know it's not one that escaped. It happens often. I don;t care if it is her diet or some other issue. Is there a way to let her know she farts all the time without being offensive? It's annoying to have to listen to and sometimes they smell.


Have you ever farted and not known you did so? I didn't think so. 


She knows she has a problem. There is no way to bring this up politely. If you really can't live with it, you can try sending an anonymous email, but that's passive-aggressive and probably won't help the situation at all. 


Keep some air freshener at your desk, and eat broccoli at lunch. 

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Kipper writes:

What is that white slimy, stringy stuff that comes out of our eyes? I am obsessed with playing with it! It tickles when i pull it out of my eye. But if it's bad to do I will stop.

Um, ew. That sounds like pink eye, frankly, but I hope you're just referring to regular eye discharge - what little kids might call "eye boogers" or "sand", from the Sandman. 

Discharge not associated with an infection like pink eye is often a reaction to an attempted bacterial infection or some irritant in or near the eye. Makeup, an eyelash, even dust can result in excessive eye discharge. 

In general, discharge is not harmful. You should seek medical attention if it's yellowish, seals your eyes shut, or continues throughout the day. 

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Val asks:

I like to keep my lady business bare. But recently my husband has mentioned switching off once in a while and having something there to look at. the grow out process is a bitch! What do you think about cutting an inch or so of hair from my head and making a little temporary wig out of it? I could even buy colorful wigs that go on your head and repurpose them. Pink, blue and purple sound fun. Is it possible?

I have one word for you: Merkins (link may not be SFW). A merkin is a pubic wig, and if you Google, you'll find plenty of places to buy them in all colors and sizes and styles. Enjoy!

I'll Bet Her Breasts Are "Dirty Pillows"

Salvatrice writes:

I am embarrassed. I like my husband's thing, but sometimes I don't want to touch it just yet because of the goo coming out of the one end. I asked him if it was an STD because I am not so sure what kinds of things men deal with, and he said no. I don't know if I believe him. I keep tissues by the bed to wipe it off before we do it. Do you think this is a sign he cheated and caught a disease? I was a virgin but I am not sure he was when we got married because he said he was, but now I am not so sure because I did not see it leaking goo in photographs. Help. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to catch an STD either!

OK, people, listen up: This is what you get from abstinence-only sex education. This woman can't even call a penis a penis.

Salvatrice, that "goo" is probably pre-ejaculate, also known as pre-come. It helps to lubricate the urethra to make a safe, clean pathway for sperm. It is perfectly healthy, and a normal part of intercourse. The amount of pre-ejaculate varies from man to man, but almost all men produce at least a little bit. For some men, the amount is linked to arousal: the more intense and arousing the foreplay, the more pre-ejaculate he'll secrete.

Pre-ejaculate can contain STI pathogens, but the presence of sperm in it has been found to be rare.

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you invest in several basic sex and sexuality handbooks. A quick Amazon search for "sex and sexuality" brings up over 2,000 results. Read them cover to cover, and if you have more questions, seek out more answers. You can also consult a professional sex educator or sexologist in your area (Google "sex educators" with your city and state) and ask what s/he recommends to help you learn the basic facts about sex, sexuality, and sexual anatomy.

DO NOT watch porn for answers. Porn is very helpful in discovering kinks and predilictions, but it will be useless in helping you discover the facts about basic human sexual function. You need good, solid, medically-based information, and you need it yesterday.

Understanding basic sexual functioning and learning the proper names for body parts will, I promise, do wonders for your sex life, too. Once you're comfortable with the basics, you'll be able to explore your sexual likes and dislikes with your husband. But without a grounding in the basics, you'll never be able to discuss sex like the grown adults you are.

And to anyone else reading: This is why basic sex education is important. Every person should have access to basic, age-appropriate, medically accurate information about sex. I was lucky enough to have comprehensive sex ed in school, but there are plenty of other ways to get this information. Sex columnists like Dan Savage, websites like Scarleteen and Carnal Nation, and books like The Joy Of Sex are all excellent, sex-positive, accurate resources.

No one should go to her marriage bed calling a penis a "thing" and a normal secretion "goo".

Thursday Quickies!

Befuddled and Broke writes:

A friend asked me to organize a baby shower for her. My home isn't big enough to host the party, and I can't afford to host it in a restaurant. I discussed this with other friends who will be attending and the decision has been made to hold a no-host baby brunch where guests will be expected to pay for their own meal. If it is rude to ask guests to pay for their own meal and bring a gift, can I just ask them to lunch and then because it is in honor of the soon-to-arrive baby, people may use this as an opportunity to bring the mom a gift...or not? In other words, I won't call it a shower and won't list registry information. How should I word the invitation?

You shouldn't. You aren't hosting anything, so there's no reason to have invitations. If you want to organize a get-together at a restaurant, do so by phoning or emailing people. And make sure you tell them this is not a party, and there will be no host.

Be prepared, however, for your friend not to be very happy. She's grabby enough to ask someone for a shower, she'll be grabby enough to be disappointed that you refuse to be rude in order to give her one.

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Jess asks:

My birthday has always been on a Friday but this year it is on Thursday. Why? Is this a leap year or something?

Wait, what? Your birthday has always been on a Friday? That's impossible. No single date stays fixed on a particular day of the week from year to year. From Wikipedia: "Not counting leap years, any calendar date will move to the next day of the week the following year."

So, yeah. I think you have larger problems than what day of the week your birthday falls on this year. Maybe you should have those looked at.

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Nicole asks:

My husband likes the way smooth legs feel, so not only does he encourage me to shave my legs twice a day, he has also started to shave his own legs along with his underarms. He'll sit there while we watch TV and rub lotion along his own legs. Is this a sign that he might be gay?

No.

Honestly, I feel like we get an "Is he gay?" question once a week. And none of them involve the husband never having sex with the wife, or the wife finding him with his dick up some guy's ass.

The guy likes smooth skin. I honestly can't even imagine what random connection in your head links "smooth skin" and "gay", but whatever, he's not. At least, not based on your letter.

I highly recommend that you, and anyone who's been thinking of posting a letter like this, educate yourself about what homosexuality is. An organization like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) can give you the information you need, or point you in the direction of a reputable sex educator.

Trading In Her "V" Card

Dear WYPF,

I was raised by good parents, and taught to believe that sex is something you share with someone you love. I'm not very religious, but in college, after seeing too many friends get STD's after thinking they were "in love" I decided to wait until marriage.

To give you a little background, I am a college educated, independent 32 year old woman. I own my own home, am self sufficient, and generally happy in life. I am marrying a man who respects my decision to wait.

I have two sisters and a brother however who did not choose to wait, and constantly ridicule me and call me a tease. They ask me how I could possibly marry someone I haven't slept with, because I don't know if he's good in bed, nor do I know if I am good in bed.

While I realize it's ridiculous it has put a small fear in me that I will be terrible in bed, and he will be disappointed he waited.

How do you feel about waiting until marriage to have sex?

Also, any tips on what to do the first night? I love this man deeply and I am 95% positive the sex will be incredible, but the other 5% is pure doubt.

- Anna

Well, Anna, I can't speak for Christy, but I feel waiting until after marriage is a mistake. It's an old analogy, but really: you don't buy a car without a test-drive, and you're not obligated to keep a car for the next fifty or sixty years. Sexual compatibility is one of the "Big Three" issues in marriage (the other two are money and kids), and while openly discussing your sexuality with your fiance is a good start, there's really no substitute for really seeing how you two manage between the sheets.

Being "good" or "bad" doesn't have anything to do with it, either. Being responsible certainly does, and you bring up a good point about sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). While condoms can help one avoid many common STIs, many others - including genital herpes and HPV, which is responsible for some forms of cervical cancer - aren't limited to transmission by fluids, and so can be acquired through any genital contact.

My personal opinion is that it's a good idea not to hook up with random strangers in order to avoid such STIs, but that doesn't mean that all sex is out forever. I believe God gave us our bodies to enjoy - every part of them. There's nothing sinful in enjoying vigorous exercise or a good meal, and I don't believe that there is anything sinful in pre-marital sex, as long as you're respectful of yourself and your partner.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with making the personal decision to wait until marriage. You have your own opinions and values, and it's rude of your siblings to ridicule you for them. (Though really: how did that ever come up in conversation, anyway? It's not a topic I've covered with my three brothers!) You've decided the best course for your life, and it seems to have served you well. I would never denigrate such successful decision-making. Your body is yours and no one else gets to make decisions about its use!

As to your wedding night, the best advice I can give is this: It will probably suck.

Most people's first times, even when they're with someone they care about and feel safe with, suck. For women, the first time can be painful. The vagina is not a negative space, waiting to be filled. It's a potential space, sort of like a pocket. When you have nothing in your pockets, they lay flat against your body. It is only when you put something in them that they expand and accommodate the object. If your body isn't used to accommodating objects - and if you have an intact hymen - there can be some discomfort. Like everything else in life, how much is specific to the woman involved. You may feel nothing; you may have to stop because it simply hurts too much.

I don't say that to scare you, but simply to let you know that all reactions along that scale are normal, and experiencing any of them shouldn't put you off sex or make you feel weird. You and your brand-new husband will probably be a little awkward, and you won't really get into the groove of pleasing each other for a while. That's normal! Take this period of adjustment as the opportunity it is, and explore each other.

Before you marry, I encourage you to have a frank and honest discussion about sex with your fiance. Discuss what you both like, what you dislike, what you find sexy or not, what sorts of experiences you have had. Think of this as the start of a lot of foreplay: talking about sex will get you thinking about having it, with your man, and will put you in a positive frame of mind for when the doors finally close behind you in the honeymoon suite.

You can't go wrong with books, either; even your local library should have some instructional books, as well as works of erotica to give you an idea of what you'd like to try. If that's a little too local, Amazon ships in nice plain brown boxes.

The best way to be good at sex is simply to enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost. If you two go into it with light hearts and the idea that you will have fun, you'll have a wonderful time - even if you just end up giggling most of the night. Don't force your first time to be anything other than it is: don't make it a test of the relationship, or a deeply solemn event. Have fun. Explore. Enjoy your body, and your husband's. That's what they're made for!

Congratulations on your marriage, and please, do write back to tell us how it went. Just please, leave out the details!

Catholics Aren't the Best People to Ask About This

Lady writes:

I have a question which is going to pertain to something having to do with my husband and family and all the like but mostly probably myself. I am trying to be a very virtuous woman as the Bible does instruct me to but my husband likes me to not be so virtuous in ways I do not think the bible likes. For instance he likes me to wear lewd clothing that does not allow for modesty even though I know that the whores on the Vegas strip are most likely the women he wants me to start to look like for fun even though it is only in the house he wants me to be so provocative. Have you ever see these women who dress as if they are going swimming at any moment because these are the women he probably likes for me to aspire to so you know what I mean. Their shorts may as well be underwear and their top may as well not be there and a virtuous woman dresses in another way and has class. If we have children this will not make for an excellent example of modesty and womanhood and female ways of perperness. Thank you!

Well, Lady, you're quite welcome.

If I'm understanding correctly, I think what you're asking is if it's considered Biblically proper to dress in provocative lingerie for your husband.

Because I'm not an expert on literal Scripture interpretation, I looked up what I could about Bible references to lingerie. What I found was that the Good Book doesn't reference dressing for sexual purposes directly - in fact, the Bible doesn't say very much specifically about sexual habits at all. The Marriage Bed, a site for married Christian couples, outlines what the Bible has to say about sexuality within marriage, and it doesn't look like lingerie should be considered a problem.

The Bible does seem to have quite a lot to say on the subject of modesty, but none of it has to do with the marital relationship.

I think that if your husband's request truly bothers you on a spiritual level, you should seek some answers from your clergyman; he'll be able to guide you and your husband to a happy compromise in this matter.

My own opinion is that there is nothing improper in wearing something visually enticing for your husband. Good sex helps build a good marriage, and good sex thrives on novelty. Different positions, different clothing, different locations - all of these help keep the spice in your relationship. Don't be afraid to experiment with new ways of expressing your love.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Oh, I Was Supposed to Keep Those Vows?

Name Withheld writes:

I cheated on my husband and now I am pregnant, and I am not sure if there is a chance it may not be his, we weren't even trying for a baby! How do I break the news, he's so happy for a new baby? The two guys look alike so I may be able to keep this to myself for a while, right?

If you want to save your marriage, shut your mouth.

Yes, that's right. Don't say a damn thing. Your husband is excited about this child; he wants to be a loving, functional family. You don't know that it's the other man's baby, and it might not be, so stop the affair and shut up. The only thing you'll accomplish by confessing is breaking up your family and spreading the guilt around. It won't make your husband's life better. (It might make the baby's life better, but that's only if you do the right thing and give it up for adoption instead of raising it by yourself.)

And then solve the problems that led you to cheat in the first place. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, that those problems are fixable. If you're just a terrible human being who cheats for fun, then yes, you should tell your husband - right before you divorce him and give the baby up for adoption. If you're the most important thing in your world, there is no room for husband or child, and you do them both a disservice to pretend you care when you don't.

I hope you shape the fuck up after this. I really hope you do what's best for that child. I have to say, I'm not holding my breath on either count, so I'll end with this: Invest in a box of fucking condoms.

Paging Salt N Pepa

Blanche writes:

I want sex every other day at least, and my fiance is happy with once every other week. I would do it every day if I could, but I settle for every other day! I think he finds me unattractive, or perhaps he's cheating? What do you think? He's just not in the mood if I ask him if he's up for a little bedtime action, and my sexy lingerie never gets his attention. He's more interested in what's on TV and possibly missing it. WE HAVE A DVR!!

Blanche, I feel your frustration. Literally.

Different people have different sex drives. I know that in American society, men are painted as insatiable when it comes to sex, but that's just not the case. Men's level of desire varies from man to man, and from day to day with the same man.

If your fiance's always had a lower drive than you have, this is something you two will have to negotiate - preferably before legally binding yourselves for life. Start the discussion by sharing each of your ideal frequencies - yours, as you said, is every day; his might be once a week, or three times a month. From there, figure out what you both are willing to commit to: Once a week? Five times a month? Then stick to it. Both of you have to bend on this issue; maybe he prefers a different time of day, and you two can work out X times per month, Y of those times in the morning, or at lunch.

If your fiance has not always had a lower drive, what's changed recently? Could he be depressed? Stressed out? Fatigued? When was his last physical? There are plenty of mental/physical reasons for a sudden change in sex drive, and all of them are more worrisome than you not getting off. Many are very easily addressed; some are not; but a checkup is easy to schedule, and he should do so immediately.

And this is where most advice stops, but I've got one further point. Does he have a kink you're not exploring with him, or could he have one he doesn't think he can share with you?

Plenty of people are kinky in the bedroom, and completely ordinary in real life. Kinks are not something to avoid or ridicule him for. He might want you to be dominant, or he might want to dominate; he might like a specific type of lingerie on you; he might like a specific body part. Many kinky people can have vanilla sex, and find it fulfilling - up to a point. He may just not be getting his sexual needs met, and therefore isn't that interested.

All of these conversations need to take place far away from the bedroom, and all need to be free of accusations and "You" statements: "You never..." "You always..." "I wish you would do...". Better by far to use "I" or "We" statements: "I would like to talk about our sex life." "We should explore this together." There's no blame to be had, here, just a problem to be solved.

If he's unwilling to negotiate, see a physician, or explore his sexuality with you, please don't marry him. Sex is one of the "Big Three" reasons for divorce (the other two are kids and money.). Save both of you the trouble and end it while it's still fairly cheap and easy to do so.

Define "Private."

Debbie writes:


My 13 yr old daughter found my private photos on Face Book, and told me to remove them because there are a lot of racy photos on there. My hub and I like to take sexy pics of ourselves - there's nothing naked, but lots of lingerie and hands covering my nips. How do I explain that mommy is an adult and can do what I want because I am over 18? Everything is password protected but she had been using my computer without my permission which is a while nother issue. We have my private pc for the bedroom and a family room computer for everyone.

Wow, there are a lot of issues here. First and foremost, there is no such thing as "private photos on Facebook." If you have private pictures, please for the love of God take them off the internet. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but when you upload pictures to Facebook you and access them from any computer, not just the one the pictures are saved on. Your daughter may not have been using your computer when she found them.

We can get into a longer discussion about privacy settings, but if you don't even realize how the site works I don't have high hopes for your ability to navigate the more advanced features. Not to mention, any photo that can be defined as "racy" has no business being on the site no matter what your privacy settings are.

Your next issue is that your daughter is finding things she's not supposed to find. If your photos are password protected, as you say, and she's still accessing them, you need to change the password. If she's not supposed to be on the bedroom computer but she's using it anyway, you need to lock the bedroom, or make sure there are consequences for not doing as she's told. It's not your daughter's fault she found your pictures, regardless of how well you think you've protected them.

Finally, you want to know how to address the subject of the photos with your daughter. I don't think "Mommy can do what she wants because she's over 18" is the message you want to send here. This is one instance where age has nothing to do with anything. What you're looking for is more along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy are adults in a loving, consenting, legally binding relationship built on years of trust and respect. This is something we do privately, and it is our business." You're going to want to let your daughter know that while it's okay for you to have those pictures, it's not okay for her to go out and pose the same way for any dude with a camera, regardless of whether or not she's over 18.

You also want to make sure you're setting the right example for her to follow. Step one in this--and I can't repeat this enough--is GET YOUR BEDROOM PICTURES OFF THE INTERNET.

Dirty Boy

Jasmine asks:

What is the best way to ask my husband to wash his privates better than he does? I don't want to insult him, but his thing and crotch hair is often musty and smells like soup. Thanks!

Jasmine, this is the man you married. He should be the one person in the world you can be completely blunt with. If you're worried about how he'll react to a "Sweetie, I love you, but you need to take longer showers," think of how insulted he'll be when you stop--ahem--hanging out down there.

If you want to try a more subtle approach, try showering with him. Lather him up and pay special attention to the parts that need it. When you're done, make sure to mention how much you like it when he's clean and fresh. If you're lucky, that will be all the motivation he needs. 

Slut-Shaming: Not Just For Strangers Anymore!

B.T. writes:

My husband thinks he missed out on a lot because I had more partners than he did during college. So I suggested we role play and go to the bar and flirt with other people, just to get each other hot because I saw it on a show and it looked sexy. But he wants to take it further and try to actually pick someone up and wants me to give permission. How do I tell him that the line is drawn at flirting and that is it?

Well isn't he a peach.

To answer the question you asked: Just tell him straight-out. "I am not willing to have an open marriage; it is not an option for me." Because it's not, and you don't want to open the door to any sort of negotiation where he might get his way because you haven't been clear. This is not up for discussion; this is a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to have the decency not to cheat.

But, oh, there is so much more wrong with this whole scenario. He's making his lack of desire or opportunity for sex in college your fault, and expecting that it's your responsibility to fix it. Simply because you had the gall to have more partners than he did in college. Did you two even know each other in college? (My money's on not.) And when did personal sexual expression get to be some sort of contest? He may think that he's just trying to "even the score", but what he's really doing is punishing you for being a happily sexual adult woman before he met you and decided to own you.

I doubt he sees it that way. I doubt it's even a conscious thought, but his behavior says it's definitely a thought. He's pissed that you were a slut in college, and now he's going to hurt you by being a slut himself, forgetting that you're both in the midst of a marriage that began with a vow to forsake all others - and that you are a free adult woman who was entitled to have and enjoy sex.

Now, look, I'm not down on open marriages. They do work for some people. Polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry can all work for some people, given that everyone in the relationships has the same ideas about where things are going. But this isn't that, and your husband is just being a sexist douche who thinks that he should be able to fuck anything he wants, because obviously you did, and that's just not acceptable to him. It's like you thought you owned your own body or something! Silly woman!

My instinct is to tell you to - in the immortal words of Dan Savage - dump the motherfucker already. But I'm quelling that impulse, because I don't see from your letter that he's done this before, or that he's pressuring you unduly, or that you think he'll go out and do it anyway.

So talk to your husband. Tell him that, yes, you had a good time in college - didn't he? Ask him why he wants to go outside the marriage, and isn't that something you two can work on?

You had every right to have and enjoy sex with as many people as you pleased. There's nothing wrong with that. Remind him of that - and pray you never have a daughter.