Amy writes:
Dear WYPF,
My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.
We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.
The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.
Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.
My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.
What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?
It gets more complex.
I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.
We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.
What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?
I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.
I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.
Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.
But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.
Not helping, am I?
You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.
However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.
You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.
If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.
Showing posts with label tough stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tough stuff. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Baby Names and Bad People
Gretchen asks:
My brother's wife wants to name their kid after a relative who was abusive to me but no one really knows this. I thought I put the past behind me, but it's hurtful to know this relative was abusive to me as a child. I can honestly say I am just happy that my brother was not harmed. Is there a proper way to let them know that the name they are considering is bringing back old memories, or should I just deal with it and mind my business?
Obviously, you've kept the abuse a secret for many, many years. To answer your question, you need to ask yourself what's more important: protecting your secret, or not allowing the person who hurt you to be honored with a child named after him.
You can't ask your brother to use a different name without providing an explanation, and you can't predict how your brother will react to this news. It's very possible that your situation will be made public, and will cause a serious rift in your family. For whatever reason, you've chosen to avoid this until now. Will you be prepared to face it if you have to?
For anyone who has suffered abuse, I strongly recommend therapy. You've been forcing yourself to deal with it alone for years, and you deserve some help. I hope it helps you find your answer, and I wish you the best of luck.
My brother's wife wants to name their kid after a relative who was abusive to me but no one really knows this. I thought I put the past behind me, but it's hurtful to know this relative was abusive to me as a child. I can honestly say I am just happy that my brother was not harmed. Is there a proper way to let them know that the name they are considering is bringing back old memories, or should I just deal with it and mind my business?
Obviously, you've kept the abuse a secret for many, many years. To answer your question, you need to ask yourself what's more important: protecting your secret, or not allowing the person who hurt you to be honored with a child named after him.
You can't ask your brother to use a different name without providing an explanation, and you can't predict how your brother will react to this news. It's very possible that your situation will be made public, and will cause a serious rift in your family. For whatever reason, you've chosen to avoid this until now. Will you be prepared to face it if you have to?
For anyone who has suffered abuse, I strongly recommend therapy. You've been forcing yourself to deal with it alone for years, and you deserve some help. I hope it helps you find your answer, and I wish you the best of luck.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
No, Seriously: He's Just Not That Into You
Confused writes:
I have been in love with my best friend for years....which he knows since I've flat out told him such. He's never said that he couldn't feel the same way, just that there are several obstacles to us being in a relationship, mainly distance.
Because of my feelings for my friend it drives me nuts when he's in a relationship with someone else. I want him to be happy, but it breaks my heart a little each time he finds someone else. It doesn't help that he usually ends up dating women who are clingy, jealous and think it is OK to use and abuse him. I have a low self-esteem to begin with, but I'd like to think that I'm at least better than these women. However, I can't wrap my head around why he'd want to date people like this rather than giving me a chance.
A few months ago we ended up sleeping together. It was a one time thing and I knew it wasn't going to mean anything to him emotionally and promised myself that I wouldn't let it get to me when he moved on to the next lame girlfriend....and I successfully kept my promise, but after that relationship ended he and I started getting closer and interacting on a level we'd never been on before and I was really starting to think that things were headed in the direction I wanted them to.
Now out of nowhere he's in a new relationship with another girl and I don't know how to cope with it. I want to be supportive as I really do want him to be happy, but the closeness we were developing makes it hurt that much more. How can I call myself a good friend when I'm sitting at home secretly hoping that his relationship will crash and burn so I can have a chance even though it will probably never pan out the way I want it to? Is it bad to stay in a friendship where my heart gets broken constantly? And is it wrong to feel hurt, betrayed and even a little bit angry at him even though he is technically doing nothing wrong and I'm creating the problem with my own feelings?
Because of my feelings for my friend it drives me nuts when he's in a relationship with someone else. I want him to be happy, but it breaks my heart a little each time he finds someone else. It doesn't help that he usually ends up dating women who are clingy, jealous and think it is OK to use and abuse him. I have a low self-esteem to begin with, but I'd like to think that I'm at least better than these women. However, I can't wrap my head around why he'd want to date people like this rather than giving me a chance.
A few months ago we ended up sleeping together. It was a one time thing and I knew it wasn't going to mean anything to him emotionally and promised myself that I wouldn't let it get to me when he moved on to the next lame girlfriend....and I successfully kept my promise, but after that relationship ended he and I started getting closer and interacting on a level we'd never been on before and I was really starting to think that things were headed in the direction I wanted them to.
Now out of nowhere he's in a new relationship with another girl and I don't know how to cope with it. I want to be supportive as I really do want him to be happy, but the closeness we were developing makes it hurt that much more. How can I call myself a good friend when I'm sitting at home secretly hoping that his relationship will crash and burn so I can have a chance even though it will probably never pan out the way I want it to? Is it bad to stay in a friendship where my heart gets broken constantly? And is it wrong to feel hurt, betrayed and even a little bit angry at him even though he is technically doing nothing wrong and I'm creating the problem with my own feelings?
Oh, honey, no. Don't keep doing this to yourself. This asshole is using you, plain and simple. Whenever he's missing the ego boost of a girlfriend, he knows that you'll be there, because you never go anywhere else, and he can just swing by and get his fill of adoration before he moves on to his next relationship.
So stop letting him. Stop being there. Yes, stop being his friend - because this guy has neither respect nor affection for you, and hasn't been your friend probably ever. Run. Run fast, run far, and don't give him your forwarding address.
Will it hurt? Sure. Will it be hard? Of course. Is it the absolute best thing for you? HELL YES.
And to prevent its happening again, take some time to work on yourself and your self-esteem issues. Get some therapy. Pick up a new hobby. Volunteer. Join a MeetUp group that interests you. Absolutely do not get involved with another guy, even platonically, until you're sure that you'd like to date you, because that will give you the ovaries you need not to stay in a one-sided clusterfuck like this.
I've been where you are, and it sucks, but I hope that soon you'll be able to look back at this and see how far you've come, and realize how happy you are without this jerk. Good luck!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I'll Be There
My good friend just got some bad news. She appears strong, but I know there will be days where she feels down. How do I let her know that being strong is good, but if she wants to allow herself a bad day, she can? Or is it better to just encourage positivity and hope that she'll open up on her own if she needs to?
Funny. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment, and I'm willing to bet most of our readers can say the same. I think there's a lot of pressure for people who are going through incredibly rough times to keep their spirits up. You want to be known as the one who always had a great attitude, not the person who constantly bitched and complained about what a raw hand they were dealt.
But you know what? Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes shit gets thrown at you and no matter how happy a face you try to put on it, you eventually reach a point where you need to scream. There's no shame in that. It's not a matter of wanting to allow yourself a bad day now and then, it's a matter of needing it. Over time, that constant pressure to keep your head up takes a toll, both physically and emotionally.
What you want your friend to know is that in wanting the best for her, you want her to be able to freely and honestly express her emotions.
It's up to you if you want to say something. Sometimes words feel trite in situations like this. The most important thing is to just be there. Let this person know through your actions and attitude that you'll be a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on whenever they need it. Don't turn every conversation to their problems, but when they bring them up be willing to talk. As long as their spirits are high, keep yours the same. But the minute they start to seem low, let them know that that's okay too. You know your friend best and will be able to tell when they need to be cheered up, when they need to wallow, when they need a drink, and when they need to just go break stuff. Be flexible and willing to do any or all of the above for them.
And hey, for any of our readers who are going through a rough time themselves, re-read this and know that you have friends who will be there for your through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You know who they are.
Funny. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment, and I'm willing to bet most of our readers can say the same. I think there's a lot of pressure for people who are going through incredibly rough times to keep their spirits up. You want to be known as the one who always had a great attitude, not the person who constantly bitched and complained about what a raw hand they were dealt.
But you know what? Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes shit gets thrown at you and no matter how happy a face you try to put on it, you eventually reach a point where you need to scream. There's no shame in that. It's not a matter of wanting to allow yourself a bad day now and then, it's a matter of needing it. Over time, that constant pressure to keep your head up takes a toll, both physically and emotionally.
What you want your friend to know is that in wanting the best for her, you want her to be able to freely and honestly express her emotions.
It's up to you if you want to say something. Sometimes words feel trite in situations like this. The most important thing is to just be there. Let this person know through your actions and attitude that you'll be a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on whenever they need it. Don't turn every conversation to their problems, but when they bring them up be willing to talk. As long as their spirits are high, keep yours the same. But the minute they start to seem low, let them know that that's okay too. You know your friend best and will be able to tell when they need to be cheered up, when they need to wallow, when they need a drink, and when they need to just go break stuff. Be flexible and willing to do any or all of the above for them.
And hey, for any of our readers who are going through a rough time themselves, re-read this and know that you have friends who will be there for your through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You know who they are.
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