Why Size Acceptance Is For Everyone

Unimportant asks a doozy:


Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?


Short answer? You can't.


Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while. 


Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?


Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!


That's right. All of society.  Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place. 


Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?


But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!


And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!


So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.


She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?


You first. 

Trading In Her "V" Card

Dear WYPF,

I was raised by good parents, and taught to believe that sex is something you share with someone you love. I'm not very religious, but in college, after seeing too many friends get STD's after thinking they were "in love" I decided to wait until marriage.

To give you a little background, I am a college educated, independent 32 year old woman. I own my own home, am self sufficient, and generally happy in life. I am marrying a man who respects my decision to wait.

I have two sisters and a brother however who did not choose to wait, and constantly ridicule me and call me a tease. They ask me how I could possibly marry someone I haven't slept with, because I don't know if he's good in bed, nor do I know if I am good in bed.

While I realize it's ridiculous it has put a small fear in me that I will be terrible in bed, and he will be disappointed he waited.

How do you feel about waiting until marriage to have sex?

Also, any tips on what to do the first night? I love this man deeply and I am 95% positive the sex will be incredible, but the other 5% is pure doubt.

- Anna

Well, Anna, I can't speak for Christy, but I feel waiting until after marriage is a mistake. It's an old analogy, but really: you don't buy a car without a test-drive, and you're not obligated to keep a car for the next fifty or sixty years. Sexual compatibility is one of the "Big Three" issues in marriage (the other two are money and kids), and while openly discussing your sexuality with your fiance is a good start, there's really no substitute for really seeing how you two manage between the sheets.

Being "good" or "bad" doesn't have anything to do with it, either. Being responsible certainly does, and you bring up a good point about sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). While condoms can help one avoid many common STIs, many others - including genital herpes and HPV, which is responsible for some forms of cervical cancer - aren't limited to transmission by fluids, and so can be acquired through any genital contact.

My personal opinion is that it's a good idea not to hook up with random strangers in order to avoid such STIs, but that doesn't mean that all sex is out forever. I believe God gave us our bodies to enjoy - every part of them. There's nothing sinful in enjoying vigorous exercise or a good meal, and I don't believe that there is anything sinful in pre-marital sex, as long as you're respectful of yourself and your partner.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with making the personal decision to wait until marriage. You have your own opinions and values, and it's rude of your siblings to ridicule you for them. (Though really: how did that ever come up in conversation, anyway? It's not a topic I've covered with my three brothers!) You've decided the best course for your life, and it seems to have served you well. I would never denigrate such successful decision-making. Your body is yours and no one else gets to make decisions about its use!

As to your wedding night, the best advice I can give is this: It will probably suck.

Most people's first times, even when they're with someone they care about and feel safe with, suck. For women, the first time can be painful. The vagina is not a negative space, waiting to be filled. It's a potential space, sort of like a pocket. When you have nothing in your pockets, they lay flat against your body. It is only when you put something in them that they expand and accommodate the object. If your body isn't used to accommodating objects - and if you have an intact hymen - there can be some discomfort. Like everything else in life, how much is specific to the woman involved. You may feel nothing; you may have to stop because it simply hurts too much.

I don't say that to scare you, but simply to let you know that all reactions along that scale are normal, and experiencing any of them shouldn't put you off sex or make you feel weird. You and your brand-new husband will probably be a little awkward, and you won't really get into the groove of pleasing each other for a while. That's normal! Take this period of adjustment as the opportunity it is, and explore each other.

Before you marry, I encourage you to have a frank and honest discussion about sex with your fiance. Discuss what you both like, what you dislike, what you find sexy or not, what sorts of experiences you have had. Think of this as the start of a lot of foreplay: talking about sex will get you thinking about having it, with your man, and will put you in a positive frame of mind for when the doors finally close behind you in the honeymoon suite.

You can't go wrong with books, either; even your local library should have some instructional books, as well as works of erotica to give you an idea of what you'd like to try. If that's a little too local, Amazon ships in nice plain brown boxes.

The best way to be good at sex is simply to enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost. If you two go into it with light hearts and the idea that you will have fun, you'll have a wonderful time - even if you just end up giggling most of the night. Don't force your first time to be anything other than it is: don't make it a test of the relationship, or a deeply solemn event. Have fun. Explore. Enjoy your body, and your husband's. That's what they're made for!

Congratulations on your marriage, and please, do write back to tell us how it went. Just please, leave out the details!

This Place Is For The Dogs

Jamie asks:

My sister in law's house smells like dog urine and, well, human waste as well. She rarely likes to open the windows because she thinks she will forget to close them at night. It's torture going over there, especially for meals, because the smell is overwhelming. They only have one dog, but they often forget to take the dog out so the dog pees on the furniture and no one cleans it up. I noticed this when I went to sit on the couch and saw the stains. Her bathroom is also very unsanitary - stains in the shower, mildew buildup, soiled toilet seat. I make sure I go to the bathroom before I leave my house so I won't have to use her toilet unless it's an emergency. She lives alone with her teenaged daughter, and I think the daughter should help with chores to make sure the house is kept cleaner than it is, but my sister in law said she's too busy with school and a part time job to do regular chores. I really don't want to go back over there, but every time I try to just tell her to open the windows for more fresh air "because it's so NICE out!" she replies that she always forgets to close the windows when I leave and promptly shuts them. I am at the point where I am ready to never go back over there, or just invite the sister in law to MY home for dinner and visits. What do you think?

I think never going over there is an excellent idea. I certainly would never eat in a house that was kept like that. I'm gagging just thinking about it.

For what it's worth, if I had a friend or close family member who was living in that degree of filth, I'd be pulling them aside and asking if something was wrong. This behavior is indicative of much larger problems, and it's possible that she needs professional help. Sure the teenage daughter could be helping out, but it's clear that the mother is doing nothing, so why should her daughter be expected to be different?

I would decline all future invitations to her home. If she asks why, I would tell her.

Narcissus, Party of One

Christy (no relation) writes:

Every time I go out with this one friend of mine, she manages to make backhanded comments about me in front of people we know. Like for instance, if we meet new people at a bar, I'll talk light-heartedly with the new people and she will giggle and tell me that I never have anything smart to talk about. She'll also tell me that I care too much about my makeup and spend too much on my clothing. Yet when we are not with anyone else, she is so nice and complimentary. I confronted her about this, and she said that I am reading into her behavior and she isn't doing anything wrong. I feel bad for her because she is often depressed and will call just to talk if she's having a bad day. She also has a very mean mother who often sends her letters by email threatening suicide, so I know she has it rough. But before I completely ditch her, how else can I tell her that she is abusing my friendship? She doesn't seem to believe me.

Simply put?

You can't.

You've already told her she does this, and she didn't believe you. She continues to do it, so you know she wasn't simply saving face before becoming better behaved. She has, in fact, blamed you for her shortcomings as a friend.

About the only option you have is to suggest she see a professional counselor. From what you've mentioned in your letter - the depression, the "suicidal" mother - it sounds like your friend probably has some mental issues that could do with addressing. It is not your job to be her unpaid therapist. You're not, I'm assuming, qualified to deal with a serious personality disorder, which this sounds like. Even if you were, you see her socially, so it's still not up to you to fix her problems.

I'd let this one go, and not feel too badly about it. When even dogs have shrinks, no one with problems should avoid having them treated. She chooses to be depressed and not deal with her mother; you don't have to choose it, too.

Paging Salt N Pepa

Blanche writes:

I want sex every other day at least, and my fiance is happy with once every other week. I would do it every day if I could, but I settle for every other day! I think he finds me unattractive, or perhaps he's cheating? What do you think? He's just not in the mood if I ask him if he's up for a little bedtime action, and my sexy lingerie never gets his attention. He's more interested in what's on TV and possibly missing it. WE HAVE A DVR!!

Blanche, I feel your frustration. Literally.

Different people have different sex drives. I know that in American society, men are painted as insatiable when it comes to sex, but that's just not the case. Men's level of desire varies from man to man, and from day to day with the same man.

If your fiance's always had a lower drive than you have, this is something you two will have to negotiate - preferably before legally binding yourselves for life. Start the discussion by sharing each of your ideal frequencies - yours, as you said, is every day; his might be once a week, or three times a month. From there, figure out what you both are willing to commit to: Once a week? Five times a month? Then stick to it. Both of you have to bend on this issue; maybe he prefers a different time of day, and you two can work out X times per month, Y of those times in the morning, or at lunch.

If your fiance has not always had a lower drive, what's changed recently? Could he be depressed? Stressed out? Fatigued? When was his last physical? There are plenty of mental/physical reasons for a sudden change in sex drive, and all of them are more worrisome than you not getting off. Many are very easily addressed; some are not; but a checkup is easy to schedule, and he should do so immediately.

And this is where most advice stops, but I've got one further point. Does he have a kink you're not exploring with him, or could he have one he doesn't think he can share with you?

Plenty of people are kinky in the bedroom, and completely ordinary in real life. Kinks are not something to avoid or ridicule him for. He might want you to be dominant, or he might want to dominate; he might like a specific type of lingerie on you; he might like a specific body part. Many kinky people can have vanilla sex, and find it fulfilling - up to a point. He may just not be getting his sexual needs met, and therefore isn't that interested.

All of these conversations need to take place far away from the bedroom, and all need to be free of accusations and "You" statements: "You never..." "You always..." "I wish you would do...". Better by far to use "I" or "We" statements: "I would like to talk about our sex life." "We should explore this together." There's no blame to be had, here, just a problem to be solved.

If he's unwilling to negotiate, see a physician, or explore his sexuality with you, please don't marry him. Sex is one of the "Big Three" reasons for divorce (the other two are kids and money.). Save both of you the trouble and end it while it's still fairly cheap and easy to do so.