Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.

Lucie writes:


I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen? 


Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!


So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.


Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal. 


Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.


And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day. 


Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.

See If You Can Guess Our Theme Today

Erica writes:


An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook.  Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me.  I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently.  We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.



When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again.  I hope your life is good."  He didn't write back.  A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding.  In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.


So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding.  He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.


Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding?  I feel sorry for his new wife.  No bride should have to be a runner-up.


What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.


You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me. 


Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies. 


Stay out of it. 

Sure You're Not

Perplexed writes:


My best friend is currently dating a stupid little twit who frankly is a complete waste of oxygen.  To clarify, my feelings have nothing to do with jealousy.  I have no desire to be anything more than friends with him.  However it annoys me greatly to see him being taken advantage of and even more that he's too dense to pick up the fact that she is using him.  Is there any tactful way to tell my friend that his girlfriend has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that he can and should do much much better?


Methinks thou doth protest too much.


Why does this bother you so much? If he's a twit, what do you care if he's taken advantage of? (For that matter, why are you friends with him?) 


The fact is, you don't actually know what he knows. He may be fully aware of the one-sidedness of the relationship, and simply not care. He may not actually care as much about your best friend as if appears. 


No one outside a relationship really knows what goes on inside it, and it's none of your business. Likewise, it's not your job to fix this guy's life, especially when you can't even be sure anything's broken. 


I think you need to take a look at yourself, and why this bothers you so much. I mean, it's his life; it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Are you, in fact, jealous, and in denial? Does this strike some particular chord with you - did you have a similar experience, and are still not over it? 


It's time to stop meddling and start soul-searching. 

Wait, Parent Is A Verb?

Eekers writes:


What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"


Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.


Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.


But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.


Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too. 

Grandbaby Rabies

Grandbaby Crazy wants to know:


My son and his wife just told us that we're going to be grandparents, and WE COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!!!!!

But it feels like we're the only ones who are!

Our other sons didn't react like we'd hoped. We were hoping they'd ask us about our son's baby registry - we even had all the information handy, just in case they wanted to send a gift. And neither of them even asked! (I'm glad I had gifts already wrapped. I just wrote their names on them and presented them to their brother!!) 

I'm so hurt. It's like they don't care that their big brother has been blessed not only with a wonderful, enriched life and lovely wife, but also a new child. One son even told me that he wasn't going to have kids EVER!

It's like they're trying to hurt me. They know how much I need grandbabies! I'm so happy that my pride and joy is having a baby, but I'd love to have even more.

How can I get everyone else as excited about the new bundle of joy as I am? You're my only hope!

First off, congratulations on your new grandchild. For many people, new babies are extremely exciting, and this is definitely going to be a wonderful time for you, your son, and your daughter-in-law.

For other people, the excitement doesn't really happen until the baby arrives. If your daughter-in-law is still early in her pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised that gifts weren't the first thought to enter your other sons' minds. While it was nice of you to want to "help" by choosing and wrapping gifts for them to give, unless they asked you to do so it really wasn't your place. Have you set up an expectation for your older son that all his brothers want to do is shower him and his wife with gifts? That's really not fair to anyone. You are entitled to give this child everything and anything you want, but make it from you.

As far as wanting more grandchildren, slow down and enjoy the gifts you do have. Greed isn't becoming on anyone. Whether and when to have children is a very personal decision to be made ONLY by the couple having the child. They may want to wait until they're more financially stable. They may have decided that parenthood isn't for them. Or, they may not be able to have children, and constantly hounding them will only add to their pain. Their situations and choices have nothing to do with you and are none of your buisness. 

 

So cuddle the new baby, count your blessings, and keep your mouth shut. 

Thursday Quickies - Prize at the End!

Sherrie asks:

Does it matter if you leave the lumps in boxed cake mix or is it better to sift it before making a cake from a box mix?

In general, mixing the dry cake mix with the eggs and oil tends to take care of any stray lumps. If you want to make extra-sure you won't have weird spots in the finished cake, it can't hurt to sift the mix.

# # #

Callie writes:

I like to collect pocket knives and often bring them to work to cut up my fruit, usually my oranges. Plastic knives will not do the job. Sometimes it scares the people because it's considered a "weapon" but I have not used it nor have I tried to use it as a weapon per se. Only to cut the fruit, and that is while sitting at the table in the cafeteria during my regularly scheduled lunch hour.

As long as your workplace doesn't have a specific policy prohibiting weapons - including pocketknives - I don't see anything wrong with using yours as they were intended. Are you especially cruel to coworkers? I mean, they don't have a reason to think you might use a harmless Swiss Army job to eviscerate them, do they? You might need an attitude adjustment if they're afraid of you, but if they're just averse to any sort of implement that might possibly one day if circumstances were good be involved in violence, well, they need to man up.

# # #

Just Curious asks:

I think one of the managers here used to be a man but is now a woman. Of course I cannot ask. But I want to know how I can confirm my suspicions?

You can't. This is absolutely none of your business, end of story. And I won't dignify such rudeness by expounding further.

# # #

And an update from our favorite correspondent, Hater!

I wanted to update you on my sister and her boyfriend. She found out the boyfriend was talking to other girls and telling them he was not in a relationship, so she broke up with him. They are 16 and she is devastated. In the end I am glad they broke up, it's a life experience everyone probably goes through but I knew he was not great for her. So she is doing good and starting to hang out with her friends more than she was before even thought a few stopped talking to her because she had been spending all her time with this guy. But you live and learn. AND yeah hahaha, tell me if I'm jealous now. Teen relationships mostly don't last, but you can keep telling me I just never had a boyfriend and I am just jealous. Please. What great advice you people give. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, Hater, we missed you. Don't be gone so long next time, okay?

Oh, I Was Supposed to Keep Those Vows?

Name Withheld writes:

I cheated on my husband and now I am pregnant, and I am not sure if there is a chance it may not be his, we weren't even trying for a baby! How do I break the news, he's so happy for a new baby? The two guys look alike so I may be able to keep this to myself for a while, right?

If you want to save your marriage, shut your mouth.

Yes, that's right. Don't say a damn thing. Your husband is excited about this child; he wants to be a loving, functional family. You don't know that it's the other man's baby, and it might not be, so stop the affair and shut up. The only thing you'll accomplish by confessing is breaking up your family and spreading the guilt around. It won't make your husband's life better. (It might make the baby's life better, but that's only if you do the right thing and give it up for adoption instead of raising it by yourself.)

And then solve the problems that led you to cheat in the first place. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, that those problems are fixable. If you're just a terrible human being who cheats for fun, then yes, you should tell your husband - right before you divorce him and give the baby up for adoption. If you're the most important thing in your world, there is no room for husband or child, and you do them both a disservice to pretend you care when you don't.

I hope you shape the fuck up after this. I really hope you do what's best for that child. I have to say, I'm not holding my breath on either count, so I'll end with this: Invest in a box of fucking condoms.

Don't Talk to Strangers

Karen asks:

is it weird that if someone smells good I tell them so, and ask for their scent or soap? Usually if I approach a stranger I have never met on line in a store for instance or on the bus, they think I am weird. I just think it's a compliment when someone smells good! Is it rude? Should I stop?


It's not rude, per se, but it is weird, and yes, you should stop. Most people on the bus or at the store don't want anyone to talk to them about anything, so always err on the side of keeping your mouth shut.


Personal aroma is a private thing, and while many people go to great lengths to make sure they smell pleasing, it doesn't necessarily mean they want you to notice. It's one thing to make a comment to a close friend or significant other, but strangers? Really? Commenting on someone's scent implies an invasion of personal space. Perfume, lotion and soap used correctly should not have scents strong enough to be smelled outside of a few feet. When a person can be smelled from a distance, it's usually not a good thing.


So take a step back, and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Skip to My Lou.

Sharona asks:

Do I have to formally break up with an acquaintence or can I just skip away and just not reply to her emails thinking she'll get the hint? She's nice enough, but after speaking to her a couple of times I just don't care to persue a friendship. I feel badly because she's nice enough, I just do not want to pretend to like her when I don't. Or should I suck it up and try harder?


An acquaintance? Skip away. If you've only spoken a few times you have no obligation to tell her anything. In fact, saying something will probably just hurt her feelings. There's no need to add insult to injury. I don't even formally break up with friends unless I've known them for over 10 years or know I'm going to need to continue interacting with them on the regular.

We Totally Agree

Taylor asks:

Is there a way to ask someone on my friend list on FaceBook to be careful about what she posts? Every day it's another announcement declaring that this particular day she's going to stop letting people shit on her, or maybe it's the day she's down in the dumps and "If anyone needs a doormat, you have one in me!". It's getting rather pathetic, and if we're not reading about the things she should really be discussing with a therapist, we're reading about how big her breasts are or how much she spent on a tattoo and cannot pay her rent. Should I even bother saying anything or is UNFRIEND the way to go? In person I have no problem saying what is on my mind with her, even if she is sensitive about it. I just think there is a time and place for oversharing. FaceBook is not it.

Facebook has given birth to a whole new breed of oversharers and attention whores. Some people just don't seem to realize that the internet reaches everybody. So what do you do when you're inundated daily with poorly spelled rants about the government, emo whining, or potty training exploits?

It depends. First, you have to decide how important this person's friendship is to you. If you're BFFS 4 EVA! you should have no problem talking to the person and saying "Listen, I know you're going through a rough time right now, but every time you post about how so-and-so broke your heart, he wins a little bit harder." If they're a friend you see socially but aren't super close with, go with a more roundabout approach. Try "Don't you hate TMI status updates?" or "OMG, have you seen that site LameBook? People are so dumb with what they put on the internet!" You get bonus points for this one if you actually submit friend's douchy updates before you direct them to the site.

If it's someone you haven't spoken to since high school, or someone you're not comfortable speaking bluntly with, then your best option is to unfriend or block. It won't stop them, but you're not really responsible for their poor decisions anyway.

And while we're on the subject, here are a few tips to make sure none of our readers are guilty of Facebook crimes against humanity.

1. Before you post a status, think about whether you'd want it written on the front page of the New York Times. No? Well guess what, Facebook has a larger audience than the New York Times*, so you shouldn't put it there either.

2. No one cares about your child's poop. No one. Not even their grandparents. Stop posting about it.

3. The best revenge is living well. On that note:

3a. You are not teaching your ex boyfriend any kind of lesson by telling facebook what a jerk he is. You're just making yourself look pathetic, and your ex boyfriend will be glad he dumped you.

3b. Complaining about your life doesn't make people feel sorry for you. It makes people not want to talk to you, which is only going to lead to more complaining on your part. Knock it off.

4. Just say no to facebook chain letters. Do not repost if you love your kids/spouse/teacher/dog or if you support our troops/our government/some cause. If you cared that much, you'd take 5 minutes to write something original.

5. If you are going to post about something politically charged or otherwise controversial, make sure you know what you're talking about. Don't quote what you hear on TV until you've done enough research to have an intelligent discussion on it. When you post something people disagree with, you're going to get comments. You don't want to be the one who devolves the rhetoric to "Well if you cross the border illegally in North Korea you get shot."

6. Proofread. Also, text speak is not allowed. If you can't use the keyboard, get off the computer.

*made up fact, but it's probably true.

I Do Not Think This Is About What You Think It's About

Bling writes:

My sister-in-law feeds her kids completely unhealthy things. McDonald's, Chinese takeout, burgers from the diner, you name it. They often refuse to eat what she cooks, so she goes and buys them what they DO want because she's afraid they'll starve. The doctor told her that the youngest kid is slightly overweight, and she goes on and on about how cute his "little fat butt" is, and how he's gotten so big that none of the kid-sized shorts fit him in the stores. Is there a way to tell her that maybe their eating habits are why the kid is growing wider faster than he's growing taller? He's 6.

So...what you want me to tell you is a good way to tell your sister she's a total moron?

Look, I'm pretty sure no one in the world thinks fast food is healthy. She knows what she's feeding her children is not ideal; she doesn't care. The incentive of not having to deal with whiny kids is greater for her than the incentive of providing them a healthy start in life. I'd bet actual cash money that she's not parenting well in any other arena, either: why does this one thing bother you so much that you feel the need to comment on it? Have you commented on any of her other parenting missteps?

They're her kids, not yours. Unless you want to prove to the courts that she's an unfit mother and take the children from her, this is none of your business. Period. The best you can do is provide healthy choices for the kids when they're in your care. You may be able to plant the idea in them that taking care of our bodies by fueling them well and moving for the joy of it really does feel better than loading up on junk and camping in front of the TV, but don't get your hopes up.

Dealing with Mouthbreathers

I am in customer service. How do you think I can address people who breathe into the phone? I get deep  breaths screaming in my ear between words and I sometimes actually disconnect the call because it's like nails on a chalkboard. I can't do that as much as I want to because I really need to help these people, but making them more tolerable would be a help. TIA, sincerely, awaiting your reply.

Dear Awaiting,

There go my plans to turn WYPF into a call-in helpline. I don't think I could do what you do all day. I have enough trouble when my mom calls, sounding like she's in the middle of a marathon. Unfortunately, my usual response--"Ma! Quit eating the phone. I can't hear myself think!"--won't help in your particular situation.

Since you have to be careful to protect the delicate sensibilities of your customers, I would go with a three-phased approach.

Phase 1: Grin and Bear It

If it's one customer, and the conversation is under five minutes, I'd do my best to ignore the Darth Vader noises emanating from the phone. Imagine that your customer is a compulsive hoarder, and that the stench of cat urine is aggravating her asthma. It may not make you feel better about the customer, but it will make you feel better about yourself.

Phase 2: Suggest They Stop Breathing

If it's your 18th customer, and they've been yammering for 10 minutes or more, no amount of imagination will help you. At this point, it would not be inappropriate to say, "I'm sorry sir, I'm having trouble hearing you. It may help if you hold the phone a little farther from your face." Of course, here you run the risk of your customer holding the phone at arms length and then yelling that they can't hear you.

Phase 3: Pass the Buck

When all else fails, you have to watch out for your own sanity. You're not doing any of your other customers any favors by getting disproportionately (though not necessarily unreasonably) angry at an annoying caller. When you reach this point, your current course of action is the only way to save yourself. Either "accidentally" drop the call, or realize that their particular issue has to be solved by a manager.

Who does that at work?

Anon writes:

I walked in on my director in the ladies’ room taking a pregnancy test at work during lunch. She was flustered, and I pretended not to notice. Don’t know the outcome; I went into a stall and peed like I had originally intended. Do I say anything?

My motto is this: What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom. I mean, if you walked in and realized she'd left that God-awful smell, you wouldn't mention it, would you? (The correct answer here is No.) I personally can't imagine needing to know I'm pregnant - or not - so badly that I simply cannot wait a few hours to pee on sticks at home, but hey, whatever lifts your luggage.

And it's not simply a matter of common etiquette, either. What good would come of asking after the results of the test? Unless your director routinely shares information with you about her reproductive status, I can't imagine that this is any of your business. It wouldn't be if you were social acquaintances, and certainly the workplace is no place for discussions of fertility.