When my 3 nephews come over, ages 12, 8, and 6, they have to be told to remember their manners. Their parents don't say anything until I say something, and by then the kids have already misbehaved. They never say please or thank you, and walk right past me and my husband when they come into our home. After dinner, they leave their plates at the table to go and play, and I have to call them back to clean their places. They were recently watching a TV show and had the nerve to ask the grownups to be quiet so they can hear their show. My husband told them that the adults are allowed to talk, and reminded them that they usually interrupt everyone and make noise when WE are all trying to talk, so they need to be more mindful of their actions. Their mom babies them so we can't tell her how to parent, but in our home, we're entitled to have them abide by certain rules. Or are we?
You're right: you can't tell other people how to parent. Unless you're an advice columnist.
But you're also right that you decide on the rules to be followed in your own home. 12, 8, and 6 are more than old enough to show common courtesy, pick up after themselves, and be respectful of everyone else. Next time the boys come over, I think you should meet them at the door and, after greeting them warmly, remind them of the rules. Say something like, "Now, I know you guys remember that we do things a little differently at Auntie's house. I just want to remind you that we're polite to each other all the time, and we pick up after ourselves, and we respect each other and other people's belongings." Or whatever other major problem you're having with them.
Reminding children of the rules is not parenting - it is helping to socialize them. You know that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well, you're the village. Since their parents have little interest in helping them move past the wild barbarian stage, it's up to you to do so - at least while they're in your home.
The best way to do this, though, is to model the behavior for them. In that vein, I think it's terribly rude to be talking over a television program that other people are trying to watch. Is there no other room where you can go to chat, that won't disturb the boys? I have to say, I'm not surprised they're rude: that's the example being set for them. There are not separate standards of politeness for adults and children, and if you fail to show them any respect, don't be surprised when you get disrespect in return.
You know it's one thing to let your kids be unruly at home, but at another person's home? I bet she's one of those obnoxious people at the restaurant letting her kids yell and run about unchecked.
ReplyDeleteExhausted, you have to teach those kids that they can't act like animals in your home. And bitch-slap their parents for being Mannerly Abusive (like Verbally and Physically Abusive, only you don't know you are being abused until way late in life).
And Kate is correct, you need to be considerate to them if you expect them to be considerate to you. We all learn by example no matter how old we are or where we are.