Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.

Lucie writes:


I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen? 


Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!


So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.


Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal. 


Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.


And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day. 


Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.

Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room

Rosalita asks:


Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?

I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).

Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.

Wait, Parent Is A Verb?

Eekers writes:


What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"


Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.


Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.


But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.


Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too. 

The Bed is the Least of Your Worries.

S. A. writes:

My fiance became sick recently with really bad flu symptoms. He was hospitalized for 2 days because of the fluids he lost and they thought it might have been a form of meningitis. Thank goodness he's home and getting better, but he's still feeling sick. I offered to stay home with him and even had the time approved, and we live together, but my future mother in law insisted I save my vacation time for the wedding. Well, this was fine, until I came home to find my future mother in law giving my husband a bath in our master bathroom, and she was in her bra and panties. My jaw dropped and I went to leave when she apologized for letting herself in my home unannounced. She recovered when I walked in the bathroom and said she got her clothes wet helping him into the tub, but her clothes were laying on my bed (MY SHARED BED WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND) and they were completely dry. I think it was very awkward for my fiance as well, and he hasn't said anything about it. Do I dare think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship? I mean they seem like a normal family, but it's not like my husband still has a fever or anything and is fully capable of showering by himself when I was home the day before with him.

I'm concerned that the part of this story you seem most upset about is that your future mother-in-laws clothes were on your bed, and not that your future husband was naked in a bathtub with his mother. Yes, you should think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship. I wouldn't even take the time to ask him about it, I'd be too busy packing my things and getting out of there as fast as humanly possible.

'Cause Girls Can't Catch and Are Bad at Math, Right?

Libby asks:

I'm pregnant and having a girl! My husband is not thrilled and is talking about when we should start trying again for a boy, and I'm still 3 months away from having this one! I'm trying to see how this birth goes before signing on for more. He suggested IVF for gender selection because he did some research for the next kid. How can I get him to see that he'll love the baby and the baby will love him no matter what we have?

It sounds like your husband is experiencing gender disappointment.  It's not terribly uncommon for men not to feel bonded to their children until after they are born. It's also possible that he has an easier time imagining a bond with a child of the same sex as he. Going as far as suggesting gender selection for your next child is heading into the extreme territory and would cause me some concern.

Start by talking to him. Ask him why he wants a boy, and what his fears are with relation to having a girl. Be supportive, and let him know that you're confident that he'll be a wonderful father. Ask that all discussions of future children and the possibility of pricy, non-medically necessary procedures be tabled until after you both get your sea legs with this baby.

If, after the baby is born, he continues to have trouble bonding or seems to resent your daughter, then it's time for counseling. I certainly would be hesitant to have more children with him if it meant risking having him favor one over the other.

The "Ooops" Baby

Amy writes:

Dear WYPF,

My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.

We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.

The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.

Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.

My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.

What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?

It gets more complex.

I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.

We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.

What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?

I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.

I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.

Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.

But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.

Not helping, am I?

You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.

However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.

You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.

Sarah asks:

I'm expecting a baby in a few weeks. I may not have to return to work right away, but I will eventually. My concern is the babysitting situation. I'm getting pressure from my SIL to let her mother watch the baby because she already watches my SILs kids. The argument is that MIL would get her feelings hurt if we took our child to a daycare provider. The thought of leaving my child with MIL makes me very uncomfortable because she does not speak English. She can't call me with questions or concerns, and if there's an emergency I'm not confident that she'd have her wits about her to remain calm and call 911 or go to a neighbor for help. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to put my child's well-being ahead of my MIL's feelings, but am I being a worry wort?

Ultimately, the decision of whom to leave your child with is for you and your husband to make, not your Sister in Law, or Mother in Law, or even me. It could be that your SIL is pressuring you into this because she doesn't want to feel like a freeloader. Does your MIL really want to be the family's free day-care provider, or is this a situation where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't?

On one hand, she raised your husband and he turned out well enough that you decided to marry him. On the other, if you think her age has brought on physical or mental limitations, you have a valid concern about what would happen in an emergency. Talk to your husband and discuss all your options. Make sure whatever decision you come to is made in the best interest of the child, and not out of whatever issues you may have with your Mother in Law.

If you do choose to go with a day care provider, just be mindful of how you present the news to her. "We want to keep our child as far away from you as possible" won't go over as well as "MIL, you're already so busy and you do so much for us already--thank you, by the way, for the dinner you brought by, Lord knows I'm hardly capable of cooking for myself let alone a whole family--we just didn't want to burden you with a newborn to watch during the day. We're sure babykins will still get to see plenty of you, seeing as how you pop in to visit 5 times a week."

Mom, I Get It Now

Elisalynn asks:

My 16 year old daughter wants her boyfriend to sleep over, and we are okay with it as long as he sleeps in the guest room because he lives 2 hours away. But she wants him to sleep in her room and insists they have a virtuous relationship. I want to keep it that way, by having him sleep in the guest room. She tells us that she will just go sleep at his house if he is not allowed to sleep in her room. How do we enforce our house rules since she is only 16?

The answer to this one is simple. You parent. This is your daughter, not your friend. It's not your job to make sure she's always happy and never disagrees with you on anything. It is your job to make sure she grows up knowing there are certain expectations she needs to meet and that she can't always get what she wants.

When she's an adult she won't be able to tell her boss that if he doesn't give her a raise she'll just stop doing her work. Because she'll get fired. Because her actions will have consequences.

Does she have consequences now? It doesn't sound like she does. You have good reason to believe (because she told you) that if she spends the night at her boyfriend's house she won't be following your rules. So you don't let her spend the night at her boyfriend's house. And you don't believe her when she tells you her plans changed and she's just staying at her friend Beth's house, either.

Only you know what kind of punishment will hit hardest for your daughter. Maybe it's spending every Friday for the next month babysitting her little brother. Maybe it's taking away the car. Whatever it is, you need to make sure she knows without a doubt that by defying you, she's choosing that punishment.


(We'll ignore the part about the 16 year old being a in a long-distance relationship. Shouldn't she be hanging out with boys from her own school, or at least her own town?)

 


 

At Least You Got The Question Right

Sad Mom asks:

I have a 7 year old child, but I hate his personality. I feel bad because he's a cute kid and very smart, but he's a brat and a half. I feel like I need therapry because I love him more than anything in the world - I'd DIE for him, he's biologically born from my body. He just has a personality I do not like. What is WRONG with me??

I'm sure Kate is going to want to chime in on this one as well. Some may say I have no business commenting on someone's parenting, given that I don't have children. Perhaps my response to this will change when whatever magic bounty of common sense that comes with producing spawn is bestowed on me, but I highly doubt it.

Honestly, Sad Mom, your problem is that you raised a bratty kid. He wasn't born from your body with a bad attitude and a sense of entitlement. I can't tell you what it is exactly that you've done wrong, but you've done something.

I can tell you that children are highly intuitive, and hate is a strong word. I can guarantee you that your son knows that you have strong negative feelings toward him. That probably doesn't inspire a lot of trust or respect.

You do have the power to turn your child's attitude around. Start by modeling good behavior. If you're matching his temper with your own, you're teaching him that tantrums are a valid way to approach your problems. If he doesn't have clear rules and boundaries,  put them in place.

Just as importantly, praise him for his good behavior. Reward good grades, good manners, etc. Let him see that you do notice and recognize his good qualities.

Things aren't going to change overnight, so don't give up or give in. And if you continue to have these feelings, do seek therapy. No child deserves to have a parent that hates them.

More Things We Should Have Discussed Before The Wedding

Sandra asks:

My husband is not my daughter's father but he likes to be treated as such, because her own dad isn't in the picture. But I don't like the way he treats her and even she is starting to get annoyed, she's 12. He likes to think that she needs to do whatever he needs because she's a kid and kids ought to licten, and that is fine to a degree. He is the step dad and deserves a role in her parenting. We're married 2 years, living together as a family for 7 total. If we don't have bread to eat with dinner he'll ask her to go to the store to get bread even though we've already sat down. If he is watching TV on the couch, he asks her to go gethim things to drink. How do I explain he can do these things himself? Or is he right to make her do some of these chores to learn responsibility?


I do think that step-parents should be able to play a role in parenting, especially when the children are young and the other biological parent is not in the picture. You are a family, which means handling certain things as a unit rather than as individuals. Telling your husband that he can't tell your daughter what to do simply because he's not her father is only going to confuse your daughter and build resentment between you and your husband.

That said, I don't think it's appropriate to send a 12 year old to the store alone, especially when the family has just sat down for dinner. Occasionally asking her to grab something for him--as long as she's up and/or closer to the desired object--doesn't bother me, but him making her his personal errand-girl does.

It could be that the two of you just have different parenting styles. This would be a problem whether or not your daughter was biologically his, and should be addressed between the two of you. It's possible that he was raised to do everything his parents said, and sees this as an acceptable behavior. Explain to your husband that while you do want him to be an equal partner in terms of disciplining, educating, and maintaining the health and well-being of your child, you have to draw the line at making arbitrary rules or requirements just because she's the kid. Come up with a list or a set of standards that you both think are appropriate chores for a 12-year-old, and stick to it.

It could also be that your husband has control issues stemming from the fact that he's not your daughter's biological father. Maybe there's a degree of respect that he thinks he deserves but does not think he's getting, and these demands are his way of forcing it. This is a problem that probably requires the help of a counselor, especially if you plan on having more children. The last thing you want is for him to treat your children differently because some are "his" and others are not.


I would suggest that at least your early conversations about this issue happen without your daughter present. Involving her at this point is just going to create an "us vs. you" atmosphere, which won't be productive at all.

You Can Start By Telling Him Christmas Trees Aren't Christian

Janice writes:

I am Christian and my husband is Jewish. I always celebrated Christmas and have a tree every year. All of the sudden this week my husband tells me that he finds having a tree offensive and does not think it is appropriate to have in our home! And then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I should convert to Judaism because we're married now and he is not sure he wants kids with me until then! This is news, we celebrate our one year anniversary this year, our different religions never cause a problem before because neither of us are devout religious people. I go to church regularly and celebrate my main Christian holidays with my family, he doesn't even keep Kosher. Is a Christmas tree really that big of a deal to have if you're not Christian? It's just pretty to look at.

Janice, what you have here is a bait-and-switch.

Your husband was fine with dating an observant Christian, proposing to an observant Christian, and marrying an observant Christian - but now you're not good enough to have kids with? Now he expects you to suddenly become Jewish?

You need to sit down with him and ask where this is coming from. Is he concerned about passing on his culture? Is he getting family pressure to raise Jewish kids? Nothing happens in a vacuum, and if he's been accepting of your faith up until now, you can be sure that something has changed with him to make him change his mind.

If you didn't discuss religion before you married, why the hell not?! This is a big issue, especially as kids come into the mix. Many new parents gravitate back to the faith they grew up in, wanting to give their kids the same background they themselves had. It's part of the reason many faiths frown on mixed-faith marriages, and some sects prohibit them altogether: it can be confusing for children to try to reconcile contradictory doctrines. Not to mention that every religion holds that it is the only way to salvation: how can you teach kids that each is equally valid, when the tenets of the faiths themselves maintain otherwise?

If your husband refuses to let this go, I would try a few sessions with a counselor experienced with mixed-faith couples. If he still won't drop it, you may simply have to divorce. This certainly falls under the "irreconcilable differences" umbrella. Definitely do not have children until you've resolved this issue: adding kids to the mix will only exacerbate the problem as you face baptism vs. bris; Sunday school vs. Hebrew school.

Good luck.

Monkeys See, Monkeys Do

Exhausted writes:

When my 3 nephews come over, ages 12, 8, and 6, they have to be told to remember their manners. Their parents don't say anything until I say something, and by then the kids have already misbehaved. They never say please or thank you, and walk right past me and my husband when they come into our home. After dinner, they leave their plates at the table to go and play, and I have to call them back to clean their places. They were recently watching a TV show and had the nerve to ask the grownups to be quiet so they can hear their show. My husband told them that the adults are allowed to talk, and reminded them that they usually interrupt everyone and make noise when WE are all trying to talk, so they need to be more mindful of their actions. Their mom babies them so we can't tell her how to parent, but in our home, we're entitled to have them abide by certain rules. Or are we?

You're right: you can't tell other people how to parent. Unless you're an advice columnist.

But you're also right that you decide on the rules to be followed in your own home. 12, 8, and 6 are more than old enough to show common courtesy, pick up after themselves, and be respectful of everyone else. Next time the boys come over, I think you should meet them at the door and, after greeting them warmly, remind them of the rules. Say something like, "Now, I know you guys remember that we do things a little differently at Auntie's house. I just want to remind you that we're polite to each other all the time, and we pick up after ourselves, and we respect each other and other people's belongings." Or whatever other major problem you're having with them.

Reminding children of the rules is not parenting - it is helping to socialize them. You know that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well, you're the village. Since their parents have little interest in helping them move past the wild barbarian stage, it's up to you to do so - at least while they're in your home.

The best way to do this, though, is to model the behavior for them. In that vein, I think it's terribly rude to be talking over a television program that other people are trying to watch. Is there no other room where you can go to chat, that won't disturb the boys? I have to say, I'm not surprised they're rude: that's the example being set for them. There are not separate standards of politeness for adults and children, and if you fail to show them any respect, don't be surprised when you get disrespect in return.

Define "Private."

Debbie writes:


My 13 yr old daughter found my private photos on Face Book, and told me to remove them because there are a lot of racy photos on there. My hub and I like to take sexy pics of ourselves - there's nothing naked, but lots of lingerie and hands covering my nips. How do I explain that mommy is an adult and can do what I want because I am over 18? Everything is password protected but she had been using my computer without my permission which is a while nother issue. We have my private pc for the bedroom and a family room computer for everyone.

Wow, there are a lot of issues here. First and foremost, there is no such thing as "private photos on Facebook." If you have private pictures, please for the love of God take them off the internet. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but when you upload pictures to Facebook you and access them from any computer, not just the one the pictures are saved on. Your daughter may not have been using your computer when she found them.

We can get into a longer discussion about privacy settings, but if you don't even realize how the site works I don't have high hopes for your ability to navigate the more advanced features. Not to mention, any photo that can be defined as "racy" has no business being on the site no matter what your privacy settings are.

Your next issue is that your daughter is finding things she's not supposed to find. If your photos are password protected, as you say, and she's still accessing them, you need to change the password. If she's not supposed to be on the bedroom computer but she's using it anyway, you need to lock the bedroom, or make sure there are consequences for not doing as she's told. It's not your daughter's fault she found your pictures, regardless of how well you think you've protected them.

Finally, you want to know how to address the subject of the photos with your daughter. I don't think "Mommy can do what she wants because she's over 18" is the message you want to send here. This is one instance where age has nothing to do with anything. What you're looking for is more along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy are adults in a loving, consenting, legally binding relationship built on years of trust and respect. This is something we do privately, and it is our business." You're going to want to let your daughter know that while it's okay for you to have those pictures, it's not okay for her to go out and pose the same way for any dude with a camera, regardless of whether or not she's over 18.

You also want to make sure you're setting the right example for her to follow. Step one in this--and I can't repeat this enough--is GET YOUR BEDROOM PICTURES OFF THE INTERNET.

Head, Meet Wall

From our favorite correspondent!

Actually, I did articulate why I did not like them together. If you agree or disagree is one thing, but you're more intent on name calling. Sorry, sure it's your blog and you can say what you want but your advice doesn't come off as legit when your argument is "you're just jealous" or "you're a bitch". Who does that help? If this blog is meant for just entertainment, FINE. But if this is an advice column, how does that convince someone to listen to what you have to say?

Anyway, this is my reasoning. (AGAIN, you don't have to agree with my opinion, because I wasn't asking for that. I was asking for advice on how to tell them to slow things down. And yeah, they may be thinking of becoming sexually active, but I have no idea.)

"I think 15 is too young to spend every day with a boyfriend, and it's especially young to have to deal with a boyfriend who has a troubled home life. If my parents want to help him, that is their decision. She's not going to be with this kid forever, and when she does break up with him he'll be heartbroken. "

I'd like to point out that she did not let us in on her little "He'll be heartbroken!" reason for meddling until her second letter to us. Just as a point of fact.

And then another!

I would also like to know how worrying about my younger sister's well being makes me sound jealous.

If this is an advice column, hows about giving me tips on how NOT to be jealous, if that's what you actually think?

I don't think you people have younger isters or brothers so maybe you have no idea what it's like to worry about them. Or maybe you had troubled home lives and got immediately defensive when someone said it's not their problem!

While it's true that Christy and Kate don't have any younger "isters", Kate has three younger brothers, and Christy has three brothers and a sister. We do worry for our siblings - just not when they're being typical teenagers, and certainly not when our parents are in the home to oversee their upbringing.

That's the point I think you missed: You are not your sister's parent. It is not up to you to tell her how to live her life, or that she should kick this kid to the curb because you think they're too close. Her parents are alive, and well, and observing the situation firsthand. It is up to them to parent her, not up to you.

As for being jealous, well, perhaps if you focused more on your own life than on hers, you wouldn't have time to notice what she's up to and form an opinion on it. Try some new activities, make some new friends, take up a new hobby. (Preferably something calming, like knitting.)

Or, we can just give you the advice you want: Call up your sister and tell her that being with this kid is a terrible mistake, and she should dump him right now.

We'll be waiting for your follow-up letter asking why she eloped with him.

I Wonder Why He Doesn't Hang Out With You?

The oh-so-aptly-named Hater sends us this delightful missive:

My kid sister is 15, has a boyfriend. She promised it wouldn't interfere with her schoolwork, and so far it hasn't. But I think things are too serious, because he's over the house EVERY DAY. They go to different schools, and he's going awy this summer for 2 months anyway, but still. I think it's too much at her age, and she should not be with this kid every single day. She should be with her friends doing the things 15 year olds do! And don't say that "15 year old girls do their boyfriends"...It's not funny! So anyway, how do I tell her she needs to spend a few days during the week apart? Also, it's not fair on my parents to feed this kid 7 days out of the week for dinner. He has a troubled home life and I don't think it's right that he's getting attached.

Are you your sister's legal guardian? Oh - no, I see you're not. So to answer the question you asked - "How do I tell her she needs to spend a few days...apart?" - You don't. You're not her mother or her father. You're not in charge of her, and unless she asks you for advice - which you never mention she's done - you keep your mouth shut.

And now to the question you didn't ask: How do you encourage her to be kind to this boy even after they break up? He obviously craves a stable family situation, and your sister and your parents can offer that to him. You may not think it's right that he's reaching out for any life-raft in the storm that is his "troubled home life", but that just makes you a bitch. This kid needs some sort of positive, loving influence, and your family offers that to him. Is he taking something away from you by being cared for this way? No? Then shut the fuck up. "It's not fair on my parents to feed this kid" - It's not fair for him to have shitty parents!

This kid needs your family. It's not simply about dating your sister, though that's what brought him into their lives. Your family is providing him something he doesn't get at home - and frankly, seeing how you turned out, I can't imagine what kind of a horror show his family must be that yours is better, because it's not like they raised you to be a decent, kind, loving human being. Aside from the fact that 15-year-olds have pretty intense focus and attachment to objects of desire, this kid is using your parents as surrogates, and I think that he should be encouraged in that. As miserably as they failed with you, if they're better than his own parents, he should be allowed to hang out as much as he needs.

Grow up. Recognize someone else's needs. If you really want to get this kid away from your sister (for no clear reason that you've articulated, by the way), why don't you find him a Big Brother instead of whining about it?

No. Don't Do That.

Callie asks:
I want a baby but my fiance doesn't want kids yet. I am ready! We're gonna do it sooner or later anyway and we already live together and have good jobs. We're both in our 20's, so it's not like we're very very young. How do I get him to see that it's not so scary to have a baby now? I think if it just happens, he'll be okay with it, but I don't want him to be mad at me if I were to tell him it's okay not to pull out on a night that it's possible for me to get preggo.

Callie, Callie, Callie. The idea of you procreating is scary to me, so I'm going to have to side with your fiance on this one. You are not ready yet, not by a long shot. For one, you aren't married. For another, your FI isn't ready, and for third, you current plan involves lying to him. "We're gonna do it sooner or later" is not a valid reason to do it now. When you're in your 20s, a couple years can make a big difference in both personality and maturity. You obviously have a lot of maturing left to do, and your fiance is right to want to wait for that to happen before bringing children into the world.

Shouldn't you be busy planning a wedding right now? Focus on getting down the aisle, then start thinking about kids. Living together and having good jobs are not the only qualifiers for being good parents. One big one that you're missing is that both partners should be ready and willing to accept children. Sure, accidents happen and people adapt. But what you're planning isn't an accident. It's deception, and it's a terrible way to start a family. You and your fiance have a lot to work on before you should even think about having children.

You're Asking The Wrong Questions

Kev's Princess writes:

My boyfriend of 6 months proposed to me just a few weeks ago. Yay! But now he wants to move in together before the wedding, and thinks we should have a secret wedding so we don't have to live in sin, but I really wanted the big wedding. I already started planning a wedding for next summer, but he's insisting on going through with this one. Part of me thinks it will be a lot of fun to have a secret marriage, but I am wondering if it will interfere with my real wedding next summer? Will the wedding be legal or will we be considered married twice which is against the law? So confused.

To answer the question you're asking, secret weddings are never okay. You can't do it. No church will marry you if you're already married. If you're planning a civil ceremony for the big wedding, I suppose it can be faked, but it would be very tacky. The truth will come out, and how will your guests feel when they realize that all they've witnessed is a farce? Tell Kev that there is absolutely no way you can have a secret wedding.

In fact, I would highly suggest you not have a wedding at all. Sometimes I like to play a little game called "Count the Red Flags." Everyone see how many you can come up with.

Got your answer? Okay.

I counted 6. Kev's Princess, I think you have a little problem here.

1. You've only been together for 6 months. My father always told me that you have to experience something through all four seasons before you make a permanent decision. You've only made it through 2. I know, I know. Everyone has a story of that special couple who got married the week they met, and against all odds stayed married for 50 years. This is an exception. A MAJOR exception. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're one of them. In order to make such a major decision in such a short time and make it work, you need to be self-actualized enough not to write to second rate blogs for relationship advice.

2. You can't even agree on the wedding. Did you just start planning the summer wedding without considering when or how he wanted to get married? Wedding planning is a great time to practice the art of compromise. You two aren't there yet.

3. Kev is insisting. It sounds like you're at least willing to entertain his ideas, however bad they may be. He's not offering you the same courtesy. This goes with #2. If he's unwilling to compromise on this, will he be willing to compromise on the division of household chores? Major financial decisions? Child-rearing? What happens when he wants sex and you have a headache?

4. You're looking for loopholes, and are wishy-washy on your values. One or both of you doesn't believe in living together before marriage. That's fine. But when you don't believe in living together before marriage, you don't live together until you are publicly married. Figuring out a way to have your cake and eat it too is not really the point of having values. And really, how strong can your convictions be if you're willing to let people think you're living together out of wedlock just so you can have your happy fancy wedding day?

5. There is nothing fun about a secret marriage. Keeping that big a secret from everyone you know is stressful. Marriage is about two people publicly joining their lives. If you're skipping the public part, you're missing the point.

6. The email address from which you sent your question suggests that you already have a child. Are these the values you want to teach your little boy? Marriage is something to be jumped into. It's okay to lie to people in order to get what you want. God just wants you to technically be following the rules, your intentions don't matter. What stepdad says goes, even if it's not what mom wants.

Think about that.

I Do Not Think This Is About What You Think It's About

Bling writes:

My sister-in-law feeds her kids completely unhealthy things. McDonald's, Chinese takeout, burgers from the diner, you name it. They often refuse to eat what she cooks, so she goes and buys them what they DO want because she's afraid they'll starve. The doctor told her that the youngest kid is slightly overweight, and she goes on and on about how cute his "little fat butt" is, and how he's gotten so big that none of the kid-sized shorts fit him in the stores. Is there a way to tell her that maybe their eating habits are why the kid is growing wider faster than he's growing taller? He's 6.

So...what you want me to tell you is a good way to tell your sister she's a total moron?

Look, I'm pretty sure no one in the world thinks fast food is healthy. She knows what she's feeding her children is not ideal; she doesn't care. The incentive of not having to deal with whiny kids is greater for her than the incentive of providing them a healthy start in life. I'd bet actual cash money that she's not parenting well in any other arena, either: why does this one thing bother you so much that you feel the need to comment on it? Have you commented on any of her other parenting missteps?

They're her kids, not yours. Unless you want to prove to the courts that she's an unfit mother and take the children from her, this is none of your business. Period. The best you can do is provide healthy choices for the kids when they're in your care. You may be able to plant the idea in them that taking care of our bodies by fueling them well and moving for the joy of it really does feel better than loading up on junk and camping in front of the TV, but don't get your hopes up.