That's Sexual Harassment, and You Don't Have to Take It

Vinette writes:

One of the supervisors here in my office has a rapport with the ladies who work under him. They constantly joke and tease one another in a harmless way. However, it bothers me and I am not sure if it bothers me because I have a legitimate complaint or because I just feel like letting something bother me. Hopefully you can put me in my place if necessary.


They make sexually charged jokes with one another. While I find that the people involved in the jokes don't mind - and he only jokes with members of his own team - I am not sure how the people who can hear the jokes feel as this all happens during regular working hours on the work floor and not in the breakroom.


I started to get annoyed when he went to one of the lady's desks to tell her he "could smell the bacala" which referenced her stinky vagina. They all laughed and it's a constant joke with them, but teasing one another around me about the smell of a vagina is inappropriate during work. I am not sure how uncomfortable I am for all of that, but it definitely is not something I want to hear while I am working.


However, because he's not my immediate superior, and because his team doesn't mind, I wonder if I just need to let it go and ignore it. I do not interact with this man because I generally do not have to, and he's never rude. I just don't care for his jokes about female body parts and gender roles. So you think this is something I should report to HR, or is it something I should just let go because I am not involved?


I am lost only because I get along wit my coworkers in genera, and don't want to be the one who ruined everyone's fun times during the workday. They may have that casual relationship and who am I to ruin it for them, ya know?

I am shocked that you work at a company that has an HR department but does not have some form of sexual harassment training. It should be common knowledge to anyone working in a professional atmosphere that this behavior is unacceptable. Even if all parties directly involved in the joking are comfortable with it, they're creating a hostile work environment for everyone around them. If the supervisor makes you uncomfortable, the issue needs to be addressed.

Talk to your HR representative. Every conversation you have should be kept strictly confidential, but it wouldn't hurt to let your rep know that you do not want to be named in the report. At the very least, you'll be starting a paper trail that will follow this guy in the event that his behavior escalates.

That's Not Your Problem

Stef writes:


My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?


So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?


Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.


The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.


You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies. 


Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him? 


Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?


If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.


If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes. 


This is no way to live. So stop living it.


Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. 

This is Probably Not the Answer You Were Hoping For

Christine writes:

I have a question, how can I get my boyfriend to be nicer to me in front of other people? I am non confrontational so I will let things go until we're home alone, but when we are around other people I just give him a look and so far it's not working. I don't know how to approach the subject. For instance, I once tripped over a phone cord that was hanging from the phone to the wall jack, and the phone was on the table. My boyfriend said, "Jesus, clutz, watch what you're doing!!" and his mother was there and told him to not be so harsh. I tried talking to her about hs attitude but she didn't want to get involved. And again I bought a new car and certain things are new to me! So I was talking to his sister and I told her that my car uses so much more gas when I have the air conditioner on, and he went out loud, "OH DER!! No kidding!" His sister came to my defense and said that he should be nicer because I'm a girl and don't know that much about cars. So now I feel like his family knows he can be nicer but they don't want to help. What do I do? He's really cool and nice otherwise.

Just so we're clear, your telling me that when your boyfriend isn't being verbally abusive, he's really cool and nice. Okay. Dump him. He's being verbally abusive. I guarantee you can find a really cool and nice guy who's not going to give you crap for everything you do and say.

If his family isn't willing to step in, they're enabling his bad behavior. Why would you want to be around people who do this?

Read this next part twice so it sinks in:

You are too good for this. Everyone is too good for this. The only way that this man will learn he can't treat you like this is if you don't allow him to treat you like this. Every day you stay with him, you're allowing it. So dump him.

Maybe (and this is a huge maybe, so don't get your hopes up) he'll see the error of his ways, he'll realize you're worth changing for, and he'll seek help. If that happens, then you get to decide whether or not giving him another chance works for you. I wouldn't recommend it, though. People like this rarely change.

No, Seriously: He's Just Not That Into You

Confused writes:

I have been in love with my best friend for years....which he knows since I've flat out told him such. He's never said that he couldn't feel the same way, just that there are several obstacles to us being in a relationship, mainly distance.

Because of my feelings for my friend it drives me nuts when he's in a relationship with someone else. I want him to be happy, but it breaks my heart a little each time he finds someone else. It doesn't help that he usually ends up dating women who are clingy, jealous and think it is OK to use and abuse him. I have a low self-esteem to begin with, but I'd like to think that I'm at least better than these women. However, I can't wrap my head around why he'd want to date people like this rather than giving me a chance.

A few months ago we ended up sleeping together. It was a one time thing and I knew it wasn't going to mean anything to him emotionally and promised myself that I wouldn't let it get to me when he moved on to the next lame girlfriend....and I successfully kept my promise, but after that relationship ended he and I started getting closer and interacting on a level we'd never been on before and I was really starting to think that things were headed in the direction I wanted them to.

Now out of nowhere he's in a new relationship with another girl and I don't know how to cope with it. I want to be supportive as I really do want him to be happy, but the closeness we were developing makes it hurt that much more. How can I call myself a good friend when I'm sitting at home secretly hoping that his relationship will crash and burn so I can have a chance even though it will probably never pan out the way I want it to? Is it bad to stay in a friendship where my heart gets broken constantly? And is it wrong to feel hurt, betrayed and even a little bit angry at him even though he is technically doing nothing wrong and I'm creating the problem with my own feelings?

Oh, honey, no. Don't keep doing this to yourself. This asshole is using you, plain and simple. Whenever he's missing the ego boost of a girlfriend, he knows that you'll be there, because you never go anywhere else, and he can just swing by and get his fill of adoration before he moves on to his next relationship.

So stop letting him. Stop being there. Yes, stop being his friend - because this guy has neither respect nor affection for you, and hasn't been your friend probably ever. Run. Run fast, run far, and don't give him your forwarding address.

Will it hurt? Sure. Will it be hard? Of course. Is it the absolute best thing for you? HELL YES.

And to prevent its happening again, take some time to work on yourself and your self-esteem issues. Get some therapy. Pick up a new hobby. Volunteer. Join a MeetUp group that interests you. Absolutely do not get involved with another guy, even platonically, until you're sure that you'd like to date you, because that will give you the ovaries you need not to stay in a one-sided clusterfuck like this.

I've been where you are, and it sucks, but I hope that soon you'll be able to look back at this and see how far you've come, and realize how happy you are without this jerk. Good luck!

Bullies Suck

Sad writes:

I was bullied in grades 7 and 8 by two boys who constantly made fun of me because I was new to the school and I wasn't into fashion and hanging out on the corners like everyone else. I was recently friended by one of them on facebook, and I accepted. I soon deleted the person because I realize he wasn't going to apologize and I wasn't going to confront him. I considered that closure for me and went on with my happy life. 

The other day, I was given a friend suggestion by the OTHER kid who picked on me, but didn't try and friend request him or anything. I thought I put it behind me, the taunting and teasing, and basically feeling tortured every day for 2 years (it was a sick joke in my universe that the teachers always sat me between these two jerks)...I feel like I didn't do a good job at getting over it. 

Should I say something now? I feel like that would just be pathetic of me, because it happened when we were kids and life went on. I always think just get over it when I see adults confronting their childhood bullies on TV talk shows. But I don't think these two kids realize the damage they caused. I was very socially awkward for my 4 years of highschool because I never was able to be social in middle school. What do you think?


Sad,
I'm sorry you had such a horrible time in middle school. I don't necessarily think that either of these guys tried to contact you on facebook for any reason other than to collect friends. Facebook seems to have given everyone the feeling that they have the right and/or need to stay connected everyone they have ever known, whether that knowing was a good or bad experience.


Also keep in mind that bullying stays in the mind of the tormented much longer than it does the tormentor. These guys may not even remember how miserable they made you, or maybe they really thought they were just having fun at the time. Or maybe one or both of them liked you. Preteen boys are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and it's very common for them to turn to teasing when saying "hey, I think you're cute" has so much potential to damage their tender egos. What I'm trying to say is, try to look back on the situation with humor, and think about how the experience made you stronger rather than focusing on the damage it did.



You were right to unfriend bully number 1 and to ignore the suggestion of bully number 2. You were also right to go on with your happy life. I think that's what you should keep on doing. I agree that saying something won't solve your problem. Everyone involved has changed a lot since middle school, and two adult men likely don't have a lot to learn from a lecture about something they did when they were children.


If you feel the need to do something, make sure that you bring your own children up to know that bullying others is wrong, and teach them to stand up for themselves in the event that they are bullied. And if you really can't get over this, it may be time to look for a counselor or therapist. Remember that Kate and I are not licensed professionals. If you need real help, I encourage you to seek it.

When Throat-Punching Is Not An Option

Friendly Neighborhood Spiderwoman writes:

My friend is being verbally abused by her husband, but she doesn't see it that way. He tells her that she is useless, he is smarter than she is, she needs to do more around the house because she's a woman, etc.. That may not sound bad, but he will tell her that he doesn't know why he married her and that he can't stand to think of having sex with her when they get into a fight. She says that he doesn't mean the things he says, and that when he's not angry or saying these things, he's a really good guy so she lets it go. So do you think this is verbal abuse, or do you think I am overreacting because it's not my business to know what really goes on in their marriage? My wedding is coming up and I know they will be there because she's a really close friend, but I am having a hard time looking him in the face and not calling him out on his jerky behavior. I know I have to invite him since they are married, but I hate this guy for treating my friend so bad.

First, I'd like to link to two articles about the signs of emotional abuse, for anyone reading this who might need such a resource: one from Psychology Today, and one from HelpGuide.org. Both have solid information about emotional and physical abuse in relationships.  If you need immediate help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 9-1-1 for police intervention.

Now, onto your specific issues, Spidey, and there are plenty.

You have the etiquette of the situation correct. You can't really say anything to him unless he unleashes in front of you. If he does, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say something like "Wow, I can't believe you just said that." or "Did that really come out of your mouth?" in an icy and astonished tone. At the very least, he'll be reminded that he is in public, and shouldn't make a scene. You also can't fail to invite him to your wedding, no matter how much that sucks. Just keep in mind that you'll have a thousand other things to focus on that day: his presence won't really have time to affect you amidst all the other activity of a wedding.

But etiquette doesn't  cover how you should react as a friend. While you're right that no one ever knows what goes on inside a marriage, I do think that you can get a good idea. If you've witnessed Mouthy Husband getting emotionally rough with your friend, I think you have his measure. In this  case, I would make it clear to your friend that it is, indeed, abuse, and that you're there for her if she wants to get out.

If you've only formed your opinion from hearing her complaints, however, the situation gets a little dicier. Your friend may just be letting off steam, or exaggerating for effect, or whining because she fills some need of hers by being a victim. If this is the case, I think it's fair to tell her that you'll absolutely help her get out if she wants to, but you're done listening to her bragging about her husband's bad behavior. While no case of potential abuse should be completely ignored, you know your friend best, and you know if she's just ginning up drama for the sake of drama. It happens. Making it clear that you're willing to support her leaving the marriage lets her know that you do take her seriously; refusing to listen to whining lets her know that you also take emotional abuse seriously, and she shouldn't make her husband sound like an abuser if he's not.

It's a delicate situation. The best you can do is make clear to your friend that her husband's behavior - or her stories of it - is raising red flags in everyone's mind, and that she has options to preserve her safety and sanity. Good luck.