"Surprise" Pregnancy

Candida writes:

My husband and I talk about starting a family all the time, but can't ever commit to a start date. We've been married for over a year and the questions from family members are getting to us. Since we can't just get down and DO IT already, I would like to surprise him with a BFP. We've been having unprotected sex, but we avoid during my fertile time of the cycle and I know this because I chart. I was thinking of just going with the flow for a few months and we'll see what happens, and then he'll be super excited and surprised when I do finally become pregnant. I think the idea of actually trying makes him anxious, so that's why he's still not quite there yet physically even though he wants kids. SO anyway, when I do get pregnant, I wanted to think of fun ways to give him the news! Any ideas would be appreciative, I want him to be as happy as I am to have babies together!!!

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. No wait, I do. The best way to make sure he's as happy as you are to have babies together is to LET HIM BE IN ON THE DECISION.

Do not--DO. NOT.--surprise him with a BFP. Wanting children is not the same thing as wanting children now. Sure, there's never really a "right" time to have kids, but there sure as hell are a lot of wrong ones. When the only way your husband can be convinced is when you don't give him the choice? Wrong time.

While we're on the topic, there are plenty of good reasons to start a family. Because the questions from family members are getting to you isn't one of them. If someone is rude enough to bring it up, smile sweetly and tell them to mind their own business.

As far as dealing with your desire to start a family, try sitting down with him and having a serious conversation about when and why and how. Maybe he's he has a particular goal he wants to reach before you start a family, such finding a better job or owning a home. Maybe there's something he's always wanted to do that he thinks will no longer be possible once kids are in the picture, like traveling the world or starting a rock band. Address his concerns calmly and rationally, and make a plan together that helps you both reach your goals.

I won't even address fun ways to give him the news, because if you do it right, it won't be news to him.

Awkward Questions from Exes.

Shannon writes:

I have been with my current boyfriend for 10 years and we plan to get married eventually, no pressure to make definite pans. We're very happy. Recently, an old flame contacted me via facebook because he's going through a divorce and I guess he needed an ego boost. This was a guy I had dated right before my current partner. I obviously did not work out and there were a multitude of reasons. 


So, old guy asked me if he could ask a personal question. He knows I am in a relationship and didn't want to offend current, but I said to go ahead and aske. He wanted to know if our sex had been any good when we were together.


SO I replied that yes, it was good, and I had no complaints when we were together. I thought that was okay to say since it was true and has no effect on my current relationship. 


Then he started to say that I was the best he ever had, and asked me if my current boyfriend was better tham him. I decided to end the conversation right there. 


But I wonder, what would have been the right thing to say? Do I tell him that current boyfriend is the best that I have ever had? Or do I tell him it's none of his business? I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he's going through a rough time, but I also don't want to hurt my current boyfriend if he were to ever find out what the old bf and I ever talked about. What do you think?

You did the right thing by ending the conversation. There is no good way to answer that question, which is why it should never be asked.

Wedding Planning Rots Your Brain

Concerned Bride writes:

My wedding is coming up this September. We've found a Catholic Church and a priest to marry us. Problem? I am planning from 2500 miles away so did most of my booking via phone and email and just called priests that the church recommended (they don't have a resident priest) and said okay after chatting with the first one on the phone. 


We went and met with him when my fiance and I were home over Christmas. He is extremely old. He even made a few jokes about passing away before our wedding. Would it be inappropriate for me to get in touch with the coordinator at the church and see if there is any kind of backup plan in case our priest does, in fact, pass away close to our wedding? I imagine all the paperwork with the archdiocese will have his name on it so I'm not sure if that would be an issue...

This is a new one. Really, brides will find the silliest things to worry about when planning their weddings. I remember spending more than one sleepless night just terrified that I'd made the wrong decision when I ordered my dress in ivory instead of diamond white. I'm not exaggerating. Weddings do crazy things to people.

But calling the church to make contingency plans in case the priest dies is overboard. If his age is the only factor making you nervous, I'm going to go ahead and give you permission to move on to worrying about whether the table linens will match the bridesmaids' shoes.

Really, a 42 year-old priest could get hit by a bus next week. A 92 year old priest could live to 102 without getting so much as a head cold. Age has less to do with dying than we like to think it does. In the unfortunate event that your priest does pass away before your wedding, I'm sure there will be another priest in the area willing to fill in on short notice. In fact, my guess is it will be a lot easier to find a replacement for a priest than it would for say a photographer or DJ. Oops. Did I just stress you out again?

Thank You Notes

Grateful asks:

Is two weeks too long to wait to send out my thank you notes for my bridal shower? I have been sick ever since my shower, and finally sent them out about 10 days later and my fiance is complaining that I may have waited too long and I should have asked him to do them if I wasn't able to get them out right away. Do you think my guests will be offended? THANKS!!

I say no. Technically, thank you notes are supposed to be written within a day of receiving the gift, but these days, so many people neglect their thank you notes completely that I'm sure your guests will just be happy to hear from you whether it's one, two, or four weeks after the shower. In general, I wouldn't consider someone delinquent on shower thank-yous until the week of the wedding. 

Kudos to your husband-to-be for offering, though. You've got a keeper. 

Be Thankful That This Isn't Your Mom

Marie asks:


I loaned my daughter $10,000 four years ago with a repayment plan of $100-200 a month no interest. I came into a large inheritance and offered to loan her the money so she could pay for her tuition for college. She has paid back about half, but now I lost my job and need my money back. She is unable to pay more than our originally agreed amount but when we made the agreement I was gainfully employed. Sure, I made some frivolous purchases that ate up a large chunk of my savings but that never seemed like my daughter's business. She said that I should not have made certain purchases, and that if I were not able to taker her repayment deal I should not have agreed. Now I have only $6k left, no job, so now I need her to pay me back faster. How can I ask her to double her monthly payments? She claims she cannot take a personal loan to give it to me in one lump sum.

Your daughter. You have a contract, and she's honoring her end of the deal. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on hers.

And honestly, if you have no job and only $6,000 to your name, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Even if your daughter could give you all the money back in one payment, how long would it last you? A month? Two weeks? You've already demonstrated that you're not good at handling money, and asking your daughter to go into further debt to bail you out is just plain selfish.

Go get a job. Plenty of retail stores are hiring for the holiday season. Use the money you earn to pay for necessities (food and shelter). Take whatever's left over and SAVE IT. Then, take the $1-200 per month that your daughter is paying you back and SAVE IT.

Then maybe, just maybe, the next time you find yourself in a similar situation you'll be able to take care of yourself.

Caring for Aging Parents

Angie R. writes:

You're going to think I am a horrible person. I love my mother in law, but her hygiene habits are nonexistant. It's not entirely her fault, because she's elderly and has a very incompetant bladder. I dread wen she comes over because of the smell that follows her. Her clothes do not seem to get regular washings, so something lingers in the air. I also cannot control how often she visits when I am not home, so often my home is not ready for her to visit. Because of her legitimate medical issues with her bladder, she constantly leaks, which means I either have to rewash my floors when she laves, or shampoo the livingroom carpet, or shampoo my dining chairs because they are fabric. I already keep a liner on my couch which gets people to mock me, but it's the only way my couch remains unstained. I cannot be insensitive, and I know my husband is embarrassed for his mother, but what can I do? She doesn't take our advice on wearing protection, and I cannot force her to sit in one spot when she visits without moving. She sees a doctor regularly, but she's and adult and I cannot force her to get more help. Is my only option to tell her to stay home???

I realize this is an unpleasant subject to bring up with someone, but you and your husband owe it to his poor mother to get her some more help. If you have to shampoo your carpets after she leaves, imagine the state her own home must be in. What happens when she goes to a store or a restaurant, or rides in someone's car?

If she can't manage to clean up after herself or wash her clothing on a regular basis, she's in no state to be living on her own. You need to start taking steps to provide for her care.

Aging is a difficult process for everyone involved. People who were once able-bodied and capable have a difficult time letting go of the things they used to be able to do. Adult children of aging parents can be reluctant to step into the role of caretaker. But if you love this woman as you say you do, you need to do what's best for her. And as we all know, what's best isn't always what's easiest.



Cutting her off by telling her she can no longer visit will make her feel bad and do nothing to improve the situation. Talking to her honestly and helping her get her problem under control will make her feel bad and then make her better. Which do you think is the better option?
Start with a frank conversation about what she can and can't do at this stage in her life. Accompany her to doctor's appointments to make sure she understands any diagnosis, treatment, or other instructions. Buy her a package of Depends and tell her she has to wear them in your house.

She's going to think you're treating her like a child. You and your husband are going to feel like you're dishonoring her or being ungrateful for the years of care she provided him. There will be ugly fights and lots of hard conversations. But the end goal is that you improve her quality of life.

Workplace Discrimination

Hush writes:

I think my boss is discriminating against people who are native Spanish-speakers. We work in food service. The company just hired a new floor manager, He already moved one of the ESL workers to the back of the house instead of her original hostess position. He also made a comment to another worker that one of the Spanish cocktail servers are not the right fit for the look of the restaurant. He then complained that another Spanish speaking coworker frustrates him because his accent sometimes makes him hard to understand. These are not people who are disciplinary problems, because if they were they'd not be working here. What can I do at this point now that I see a pattern? And how does this new guy know I'M not Spanish? SO far he seems to trust my abilities and often asks me to cover the cocktail hours, but I don't think it's fair to the people who have been there longer. But since he is my boss and people have hired him to do this job, I am sure they have confidence in him. So maybe I'm wrong?

First, don't assume this man is above reproach just because he got hired for the job. There are plenty of bad managers, and plenty of bigots that work their way into positions of power. "Do you think Hispanic people should be allowed to work the front of the house" isn't a typical interview question. Based on the information you've provided, I think it's safe to say your new boss is exhibiting an ethnic bias, and this isn't a behavior that should be allowed to continue.

That said, this is an accusation that could potentially cost your boss his job, and it should not be made lightly. 

Pay attention the next few times you're at work, and try to document every time he disciplines or makes comments about an employee's behavior. You have to be sure that he's treating the Hispanic employees differently and that he's not just and equal opportunity asshole. I'm not saying you need to walk around with a tape recorder in your pocket--in fact, don't. Just jot down a note when you notice him complaining about or mistreating someone.

Also find out if whether or not you're alone in this observation. In my experience restaurant employees like to gossip, so if you can avoid it, don't bring your suspicions up. Just wait for someone else to mention it. Regardless of whether or not he's acting intentionally, if employees are troubled by his behavior, it constitutes harassment. Finding out if others share your feelings is a good gauge of whether or not you're overreacting.

When you're ready to take action, do a little research. If you work for a large chain or franchise, the corporate office will likely have a hotline you can call to report abuse. If it's a privately owned restaurant, you may need to find a way to speak with the owner.

I'd Be Fed Up Too

Fed UP writes:

How do I get my husband to shower more often? I have to practically beg him every few days to get into a shower, and he sometimes thinks because he works long hours that it interrupts his down time. That's fine, but my sheets smell so bad and I have to change them more frequently than I'd like to. Plus I have to remind him I won't have sex unless he's showered and he doesn't care it seems. He'll shower if I ask him to fool around, but I'd sometimes like for him to be showered and ready without me asking. And no matter how hard I try...I ask nicely, I remind him he's a grown up and grown ups shower every day or every other day, I even tell him that I would like more spontaneous sex and it's not happening with his hygeine habits. It is fixed for about 2 weeks and then he goes back to the man who then makes me nag him into a shower. He's not depressed, just lazy. I don't know how else to explain to him I prefer him to be clean. 

This is just gross. I assume his showering habits didn't change after you got married. So WHY did you marry a man who can't take care of basic hygiene? Does he brush his teeth? Does he shave? You can shower in 5 minutes. The claim that it's eating away at his down time is just ridiculous.

And how does this prioritization of his down time affect your division of household labor? I can't imagine that anyone who can't bother to clean his own body ever even thinks about the dishes, or running a vacuum cleaner.

I have a hard time believing this doesn't affect other aspects of his life. You say he works long hours, but what does he do? I can't think of a single work setting where it wouldn't be noticed if someone wasn't bathing themselves regularly. Dirty, smelly people don't get raises and promotions like people who wash do.

So what should you do? First, you should get him into counseling. You may not think he's depressed, but there's clearly something wrong. Maybe talking to an impartial party will help him realize it. And until he turns himself around, I have no problem with giving him a little passive-aggressive taste of his own medicine. I don't suggest you stop showering, but you can stop shaving, stop doing his laundry, and stop doing the dishes. When he realizes how annoying it is to live in filth, maybe he'll change his ways. Immature, yes. But sometimes immature people can't be dealt with maturely.

To Bar or Not To Bar

Tina asks:

I have been arguing with my future in laws, and I disagree with them. I have been to many weddings over the years and it is absolutely disgusting to watch wedding guests getting drunk, simply because the booze is free and flowing like water. And if any of these people have a car accident on the way home from the reception because they are drunk, guess who is liable?


We are planning a beautiful wedding and my family are NOT drinkers. There will be a champagne toast and wine with dinner. Other than that, if our guests need to get drunk in order to enjoy themselves, they can hit a bar on their way home, ON THEIR OWN. We are not going to provide them with free liquor and we are not going to be responsible if they wrap themselves around a tree on the way home or harm someone else on the road. 


How did I get my in laws to understand that I do not want to fund the all night party line? The "tradition" of getting sloshed at wedding receptions and expecting the bride and groom (or their parents) to provide and pay for free liquor should be stopped. Please help, thanks!

Ultimately, the amount of alcohol you serve at your wedding is up to you (or the person paying for your wedding). In that regard, you are right to make the decision for yourself and your in-laws are wrong to demand more of you. Stop discussing the issue with them. If they bring it up, let them know that that part of the reception has already been planned and you're on to choosing table runners now.

However, unless you keep the company of extremely classless people, I think your characterization of "sloshed" guests and assumption that people only get drunk because the booze is free is overblown. I have been to many weddings, and while there are always a few people who overindulge, the majority of guests drink enough to maintain a happy buzz throughout the evening. They also generally drink no more or no less than they would if they were paying for the alcohol themselves.

Think about it this way. Weddings are happy, celebratory events. Drinking makes people feel happy. It makes shy people more willing to get out on the dance floor. It makes tables full of people who don't know each other well feel better about socializing.

As an adult hosting a party for adults, it's only polite to offer adult beverages. If you're worried about those who overindulge, you can instruct your bartenders to be strict about over-serving. If you're worried that underage guests will get served, you can again instruct your bartenders to card everyone. For the record, it's the servers of the alcohol that could be held liable if a guest wraps hims car around a tree, so it's in their best interest to be vigilant.


And consider this: if the people you are inviting to your wedding are the types to get sloshed in the presence of an open bar, they're not going to be pleased to find out one isn't available. Be prepared for cousins and college friends to show up with flasks, for Aunt Gertrude to hide the bottle of table wine under her skirt, and for those who weren't able to secure their own source of booze to leave early.

Sometimes.

Funbags:

Do you ever want to just scream at the people who write to you to stop being such whiney simpletons?

Sometimes.

Apartment Living

Annie asks:

Hey there! I just moved into my first apartment after college. It's great! But I think i have a slumlord landlord and need advice. First, the toilet starated to leak a week after I moved in, and the landlord had a plumber to fix it that day. Then I told him that the drain was moving slow in the sink when I brushed my teeth, and he bought Drano to "fix" the clog. It works fine now, but still drains a little slow and the landlord said it is because the sink is small it's only 18 inches and a small bowl, and that once the water is turned off from the faucets that the water actually goes down the drain just fine. I don't know why the plumber could not come back, but whatever, I guess the landlord didn't believe me? So then I called back a week later to let him know that the tub drain was also moving slow, and water was draining slowly when I finished my shower. And he said to try using the rest of the bottle of drano to see if it unclogs. I have not used the drano yet because I called a plumber on my own to ask advice and the plumber told me never to use harsh chemicals on drains because they corrode pipes. So I have not used the Drano. Should I call a lawyer to get them to write a letter to the landlord demanding he call a plumber to fix my broken tub? I thought that landlords are supposed to fix problems that tenants have, and I should not have to keep asking him to call plumbers for faulty bathroom pipes, right? Do you think this is grounds to get my security deposit back and move out?

Of course the plumber is going to tell you not to use Draino. He gets paid more if he has to come in, right? According to ask the builder, it would take years of active Draino use to corrode your pipes to the point of damage. I'm sure you're not planning to rent this place for the rest of your life.

Also understand that different homes have different quirks. If you're thinking of moving out over this you're in for a rude awakening when your next apartment has a creaky stair, and the one after that has a flickering lightbulb, and the one after that has a draft near the windows. You can't expect the plumbing to work perfectly all the time. Your landlord is not a slumlord for choosing effective DIY fixes over hiring professionals for every little problem.

Management 101

Kip writes:

I don't know what to do. I am a manager and I get great reviews at work. I have a wonderful rapport with the group of people I work with. lately work has been stressful. I have an assistant who is rarely reliable, and who manages to slip under the radar by making other people catch her mistakes so she won't feel the heat. It is to the point that my immediate superior is not confident in her abilities. However, they cannot let her go because there's never been any documentation of her mistakes. SO now I feel like the burden of the department is on my shoulders because this one is unreliable, and I am working long hours to make up for the job she's not doing. I am afraid to say anything because management positions in my field are hard to come by, and I am scared they will fire me for not being flexible. I've been asked to change my shift at the last minute, sometimes being told to go home and come back later, because the assistant cannot be relied on to get things right. Should I just be happy they have confidence in me, or do I have the right to tell them I can't do these long hours anymore? I can't find anywhere that lets me know my rights as a worker in the United States.

Well, Kip, it's time to manage. This isn't about your rights as a worker, it's about your ability to get your team to perform. Think of the confidence your supervisor will have--and the job security you'll gain--if you can take this unreliable employee and turn her into a success.

This means that instead of covering for your assistant, you need to start holding her accountable for her mistakes. Just because nothing has been documented before doesn't mean you can't start. Let her know  her work has been unsatisfactory--and don't wait until review time to do it. I'm a strong believer that performance ratings should not be a surprise. If this woman is used to having other people pick up her slack, and hasn't been reprimanded before, she may not even realize how little confidence in her you have. Provide her with specific items to improve on, and a means to measure success.

I'm going to guess that other employees in your office don't particularly enjoy being thrown under the bus, so it shouldn't be difficult to convince them to stop taking falls.

Just keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to make this assistant a good employee, NOT to get her fired. Sure, if her performance doesn't turn around, you'll now have the documentation necessary to terminate her, but as a manager, the better your employees look, the better you look. Getting rid of her fixes the short term problem, but doesn't guarantee that her replacement will be better. On the other hand, helping her improve will win you both a lot of professional respect.

Tread carefully, as people don't like to be told they're doing a bad job. Frame your requests and your criticism wrong, and she's not going to be motivated to do better. In fact, she may end up doing worse. 

Whoa Baby!

Hot and Bothered asks:

What can I do? My husband is never in the mood for sex, and it's been about a month since the last time we were intimate that way. He just is afraid that because I am pregnant, it is dangerous, even though he logically knows different. BUT I caught him in the livingroom 3 times in the past 2 weeks "molesting himself" (sorry!) while watching porn. SO I know he wants to have the fun, just not with me. I tried sexy outfits, I tried explaining that it's nt dangerous, so I guess it's just me? Does this mean I should be considerate and wait until after the baby is born and our sex life now is in the coffin? Or is there anything else I can do? I am starting to feel really self conscious, and not sexy at all, because I know my belly is getting in the way so it's a constant reminder that he just doesn't want me that way anymore.

First, you have nothing to feel self-conscious about. If your husband doesn't recognize the beauty of your pregnancy, then he has problems that are bigger than your sex life.

He may have a legitimate--though irrational--fear that needs to be dealt with. Since your assurances that sex is safe aren't getting through to him, try taking him to your next appointment, and have the doctor explain it to him. If that doesn't work, the doctor may be able to suggest other ways for him to get over his phobia.

More importantly, tell him how you feel. Again, if this is caused by a phobia, he may not realize that rejecting you is hurting your self-confidence. Talk it through and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

You may decide to wait until after the baby is born to have sex, but I wouldn't wait that long to talk. In the chance that his problem isn't actually motivated by fear, you're prolonging the issue. There's always a possibility that more excuses will pop up as time goes, so you want to deal with this now.

Annie asks:

I'm in a bad financial situation these days because I just found out I lost my job. I didn't get paid any of my leftover sick or vacation time because the company went bankrupt so I am stuck. I recently went to a wedding and gave a generous gift of $200, but regret doing that this past weekend. Is there any way I could ask the couple to give the money back due to my circumstances? It would really help until unemployment kicks in since I have to wait a week for that, and my rent is due and I can't be late on that of course. Thanks!

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Unfortunately, there is no polite way to ask someone to return a gift. Do you have a close friend or family member who can float you a short-term loan to cover you until your unemployment kicks in? If you've been on-time with your rent up until now, you could also try contacting your landlord and explaining your situation. It's possible that he or she will grant you a short extension.

In the mean time, I'd start focusing more on finding a new job than on trying to get back gifts you've given to friends. If you're at a point where $200 will make or break you, I wouldn't focus on finding something in your field so much as finding anything. With the holiday season coming up, it's a great time to get temporary retail work. You still won't have a paycheck in hand before rent's due, but at least you'll be able to be back on track by next month.

Couch Potato

Cori writes:


My boyfriend likes to eat while he watches TV. He always has a bag of chips or a sandwich or something. He gets salt and grease and pizza sauce and everything else all over the remote control. It grosses me out to touch it. I keep a box of tissues on the side-table so that I can use those to punch the buttons, but that is annoying. How do I get him to stop?

Ewwww. I don't think I could date someone who was too much of a slob to wipe his hands off before touching the remote. If that much gunk is getting on the remote, think of what's lurking between your couch cushions. I'd put some serious consideration into getting a second TV for the kitchen, or else a new boyfriend.

I assume you've already tried asking him nicely to use a napkin? If he refuses to change his ways, you may have a larger problem on your hands. Sloppyness at that level usually isn't limited to the living room, and I honestly don't know that I could date someone who wouldn't clean up after himself.

It's time to set some serious boundaries, such as no food outside the kitchen. However, be warned that if you're not willing to leave when things don't improve, you don't have a lot of bargaining room. Decide just how much you're willing to live with, and act accordingly.

The Bachelor Party

Izzabella writes:

My husband is going to be an usher in one of his old college buddy's wedding in a month and wants to go to the bachelor party, but the bach party is going to be a two-night trip over 4 hours away in a hotel with who knows what going on. If he was single, I can probably see why he'd want to go. But he's married (obviously, if he is my husband) and I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to participate in debauchery. I think that he should be the example and stay home with his family, maybe go to meet the guys for lunch or dinner the second night and then come home. He thinks that this is a tradition and he should participate because he's in the wedding and that is what the men do. But he won't tell me what they have planned because he said it's a bach party and women shouldn't be involved, I should just trust him. It's not that I don't trust him but I just don't think it's right for a married guy to spend a weekend pretending he's not married. How can I explain this to my husband without making it seem like I want him to not have friends??

I think, ultimately, your comfort with your husband's participation in this party comes down to what exactly will be going on during it--and he doesn't seem willing to tell you. That, to me, is a red flag.

So tell me, does "pretending he's not married" mean staying out until 4, getting drunk, and passing out on the bathroom floor? Or does it mean spending his last paycheck on lapdances? Because there's a big gap between the two.

Explain to your husband that his hesitation to tell you what they have planned doesn't warm you to the idea of his participation. Marriage is about openness, honesty and understanding. So try to compromise: if he can be open and honest about the plans, you can be understanding. If all they really want to do is drink beer and eat nachos, maybe you can let him hang out for a few days. If they want to see how many strippers they can get to sleeping with them in 48 hours, I can see why you wouldn't be too excited.

Probably the reality falls somewhere in between these two scenarios. So ask yourself. Is it okay for your husband to be in a strip club if he's not a participant in the festivities? Is the prospect of not being allowed to go emasculating to your husband? Do the two of you have that large of a disparity in values?

The key here is communication. Let him know exactly what you're not okay with, and why. And listen to him when he tells you what he wants to do with the guys and why it doesn't change how much he loves you. Once you're able to be clear with each other, you can come up with a solution that's acceptable for both of you.

Let's Try This Again

Unimportant was not too happy with Kate's response. Because I like to smooth feathers, and because our inbox is empty, I'm going to take another stab at this one.

Here's his comment:

OK, I'm sorry I said she isn't fat. Because now it's apparently not only wrong to call someone "fat", but "not fat" as well? How the hell is a guy suppose to get it right when everything is wrong? I only added the fact because any time I ask someone for advice on this the first thing they say is, "Well, IS she fat?" or if they know her, "Well, she COULD afford to lose a few pounds."

And I get the whole society thing, I'm out numbered so I shouldn't even bother. But WTF is this...

"You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman."

So now it's my fault because I find some people to be attractive and others not? I'm to blame because I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is? Aren't we suppose to be attracted to our partner? I don't get it.

Or maybe I do get it. Don't bother trying because you can never get it right. You'll always be wrong because you're just a stupid pig/dog/man.

Thanks, that helps. 

First, I'm not going to disagree with Kate's assertion that you're unknowingly contributing to the problem. That doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a victim of society the same way your girlfriend (and everyone except for Kate) is. It also doesn't mean you should stop trying.

To Kate's point, when you say things like "She is not fat as I define it," "She is sexy to me," and "I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is." You're making qualifications that imply that your opinion is different from everyone else's. Your girlfriend is hearing "Yeah, most people think you're fat but I don't care." As much as it sucks to admit it, when you stack your opinion against everyone else's, your feelings are less important, especially to someone who is self-conscious about their body.

So what can you do to change this? Drop the qualifiers. "You are beautiful." "You are sexy." "You look hot in that dress." Make comments about her appearance simple, declarative, universal statements. And don't just make them when she's complaining that these pants make her ass look big or this dress makes her look like a circus tent. Tell her when she least expects it.

The more you build her confidence, the less reliant she'll be on what other people think, and then you both win.

When Hard Times Hit Close to Home

A sister asks:

My sister recently received notice that her job was being eliminated.  This is going to put her family in a terrible financial situation as they were already living on the edge.

Do you have any suggestions of what I could do to let her know that I'm thinking about her?  She lives several hours away in another state.  Somehow "unemployment sucks" flowers just doesn't seem right.  And I don't think she would appreciate cash or a grocery gift card if she knew it was coming from me (and she would, because even if I tried to be anonymous I'm the only person she knows that would mail something from this zip code).

This is an unfortunate situation, and one that's very common these days. It's hard to provide financial support to a friend or family member without making them feel like a charity case. If you don't think you sister will accept cash or a grocery card, then it's not the right gift to give in this situation. Flowers, while nice to receive, do little to actually help the situation.

If you want to help your sister, but you don't want her to think you're pitying her, I would send gifts rather than money. For example, the weather is getting colder, and growing children always need new clothes. The less your sister has to spend outfitting her kids, the more she'll have for gas and groceries. How about some cute hats and scarves, with a note that says "Saw this and thought of little Bonnie, love you!"

The upside of this is that it provides your sister and family with things that they want and need. By adding a little fun to their lives, you're helping them more than just financially. Money problems are a huge source of stress, and when you're tight on cash, the fun things are the first to go. Lack of fun leads to more stress, and soon you're in a vicious cycle of misery.

I wish your sister a quick job search.

Let Me Guess, You Can Quit at Any Time?

Shalon asks:

i keep a bottle of water in my drawer at work, but instead of water it's filled with vodka. I like to have a nip or two throughout the day, and often will add it to my lunchtime Hi-C fruit punch for a little bonus kick. I think one coworker smelled it on my breath recently because she asked me if I had anything to add to her drink because she had a snapple peach tea, but i told her NO. I think she sees me taking random sips from my desk water bottle and grew curious and now thinks I am the office bartender or something. Is there a more discrete way to keep my "water" bottle to myself?

You're an alcoholic. Either that or you're in high school. Really, you keep your booze in a water bottle and mix it with Hi-C?

I don't generally have a problem with drinking at the office. Occasionally grabbing a beer at lunch with friends or celebrating a new contract with champagne is perfectly acceptable. The difference between these examples and your situation is that you're drinking alone, and you're ashamed enough to make pathetic attempts at hiding it.

It's quite possible that your co-worker asked you to share not because she wanted a drink, but because she wanted to discreetly let you know that you're not fooling anyone. If you want to keep your "water" bottle to yourself, leave it at home. If you can't do that, seek the help of a professional.

Cooking With Christy and Kate: Favorite Foods

Danette asks:

How much pudding is too much pudding? I love pudding, my favorite is chocolate. Also, what are some creative uses for pudding?

I believe there is no such thing as too much pudding. I suppose as with any food, you should stop eating when you are full.

At the risk of not being creative enough, I am going to assume you're asking for edible uses for pudding. The Jello website has tons of great recipes using their instant pudding.