Shenanigans!

Ann writes:



I loaned my car to my daughter for a work event she was attending. Her car was in the shop, and I offered to let her use mine because it was for an important meeting and this way she didn't have to rent a car. She was reimbursed for mileage and gas. Well, she was the driver for herself and 3 other larger ladies. I have an older car, and it seems that the weight of the 3 women plus my daughter caused the transmission to drop out from underneath. This didn't happen until I drove out from my driveway into the street the next day, My daughter said she didn't have any problems with the car.


Well, I called her company and spoke to her supervisor to tell them I feel they should reimburse me for the $140 in damages it cost to fix the dropped transmission, and they said they are not liable for what happened to my car after she returned from the meeting. My daughter is upset that I would go behind her back and contact her boss, but I did not do this to my car. She said she'd pay me half of what it cost to fix the problem, but I think her company should pay. Who's right??


Well. First of all, let me answer the question. If someone damages property that they have borrowed, they should of course offer reimbursement to repair said property or to buy a new item. It would be up to your daughter to take that reimbursement up with her boss, since she incurred the expense during a work event.

Likewise, the company has every right to deny the claim, considering any damage happened after your daughter returned the car. You shouldn't have been making the claim in the first place, and you shouldn't be upset that the company claims zero liability.

But I have to call shenanigans on the technical part of your letter. Your transmission dropped what? A gear? Out of the car? Either way, it would cost a hell of a lot more than $140 to fix any part of a transmission (except maybe a general flush and re-lube). And I don't really see any way for the weight of four people who - and yes, I'm assuming here, but I think it's a sound assumption - fit in the vehicle to make it so heavy that the transmission would fail to operate properly over the course of one day.

More likely, your transmission was failing before you ever loaned the car. I don't know if your mechanic was trying to wiggle out of failing to notice a problem at your last scheduled service, or if you made this story fit together out of a mangled understanding of physics and what was actual wrong with your vehicle, but there's just no way your daughter's coworkers caused this problem.

So, ultimately, no one owes you any money - and you probably owe your daughter an apology.

When Hard Times Hit Close to Home

A sister asks:

My sister recently received notice that her job was being eliminated.  This is going to put her family in a terrible financial situation as they were already living on the edge.

Do you have any suggestions of what I could do to let her know that I'm thinking about her?  She lives several hours away in another state.  Somehow "unemployment sucks" flowers just doesn't seem right.  And I don't think she would appreciate cash or a grocery gift card if she knew it was coming from me (and she would, because even if I tried to be anonymous I'm the only person she knows that would mail something from this zip code).

This is an unfortunate situation, and one that's very common these days. It's hard to provide financial support to a friend or family member without making them feel like a charity case. If you don't think you sister will accept cash or a grocery card, then it's not the right gift to give in this situation. Flowers, while nice to receive, do little to actually help the situation.

If you want to help your sister, but you don't want her to think you're pitying her, I would send gifts rather than money. For example, the weather is getting colder, and growing children always need new clothes. The less your sister has to spend outfitting her kids, the more she'll have for gas and groceries. How about some cute hats and scarves, with a note that says "Saw this and thought of little Bonnie, love you!"

The upside of this is that it provides your sister and family with things that they want and need. By adding a little fun to their lives, you're helping them more than just financially. Money problems are a huge source of stress, and when you're tight on cash, the fun things are the first to go. Lack of fun leads to more stress, and soon you're in a vicious cycle of misery.

I wish your sister a quick job search.

Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.

Lucie writes:


I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen? 


Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!


So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.


Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal. 


Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.


And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day. 


Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.

Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room

Rosalita asks:


Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?

I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).

Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.

Wait, Parent Is A Verb?

Eekers writes:


What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"


Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.


Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.


But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.


Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too. 

The Bed is the Least of Your Worries.

S. A. writes:

My fiance became sick recently with really bad flu symptoms. He was hospitalized for 2 days because of the fluids he lost and they thought it might have been a form of meningitis. Thank goodness he's home and getting better, but he's still feeling sick. I offered to stay home with him and even had the time approved, and we live together, but my future mother in law insisted I save my vacation time for the wedding. Well, this was fine, until I came home to find my future mother in law giving my husband a bath in our master bathroom, and she was in her bra and panties. My jaw dropped and I went to leave when she apologized for letting herself in my home unannounced. She recovered when I walked in the bathroom and said she got her clothes wet helping him into the tub, but her clothes were laying on my bed (MY SHARED BED WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND) and they were completely dry. I think it was very awkward for my fiance as well, and he hasn't said anything about it. Do I dare think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship? I mean they seem like a normal family, but it's not like my husband still has a fever or anything and is fully capable of showering by himself when I was home the day before with him.

I'm concerned that the part of this story you seem most upset about is that your future mother-in-laws clothes were on your bed, and not that your future husband was naked in a bathtub with his mother. Yes, you should think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship. I wouldn't even take the time to ask him about it, I'd be too busy packing my things and getting out of there as fast as humanly possible.

I Don't Think "Overbearing" Quite Covers It

Help! writes:

My fiance's family is a little nuts I think. His aunt asked us if certain friends of the family were invited, and due to budget and space, certain people were excluded from our list. We explained this to her, and kept the guest list to only immediate family members and very VERY few friends. His aunt printed up invitations on her computer with our wedding information on it and handed them out to the people she felt should have been invited, which is total about 20 people.

My future mother in law defended his aunt saying that she was just excited and we should let her just have this moment of happiness or whatever, but we're not in a position to let people create their own guest lists!!! I mean, we're adults and shouldn't be bullied by our elders into doing what they want us to do.

We have contacted these people as well as his aunt, but we're now afraid that some people may have been given an invitation without RSVPing and will just show up. Would it be wrong to now contact the people
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.

Well, no, I wouldn't have my guests present an invitation. They've been invited, and are abiding by the rules: why should they have to prove that they're in the right? That's terrible hosting.

But it's not rude to politely turn away uninvited guests at the door. If you can station a couple of people near the door, they should be able to head off the uninvited as they come in, or while they search for their table assignments or something similar. Anyone you choose for this job should be able to steer the offenders toward the door, telling them kindly but firmly that, no, in fact, letting them in simply won't be possible. Hope they have a good night.

But more troubling to me is that you never say what your fiance did about his mother and aunt. Did he tell them this was unacceptable behavior? Did he make it absolutely crystal clear that this was an appalling stunt? Or did he just sort of let them get away with it, and then clean up the mess?

Because, honey, if he's not reading them the riot act? This won't be the last time you're cleaning up a mess they insist they had a right to make. Do you want to live with that for the next fifty or sixty years?

Only worry about the uninvited once you've answered that question - because depending on how this situation went down, that worry might be moot.

When Family Gatherings Collide

Secret writes:

My wedding was yesterday. It was, well, there are no words. One of my mother's cousin's died in a horrific car accident last Wednesday, and it was a sad time for everyone. The funeral was planned by her children, for yesterday morning. We reluctantly decided to go through with the wedding since it was only several days out and so many of my new husband's family was in from another state to see us get married. They did not know my mom's cousin.

Well, many of my mother's relatives thought it was disrespectful for us to not cancel the wedding but we did not have insurance to get our money back. Some called my mother the evening before to see if we were cancelling, some flat out told her at the funeral that they couldn't sit and pretend to be happy for us when we were pretending that nothing more than our day was important. I swear we don't!! So about 45 of the guests on my side of the family did not show up to the reception and the room was quite empty, the guest list was only about 125 people. We would have considered cancelling if we knew we'd have to pay for 45+ no show guests and lose all of that money.

But regardless of all of that, since the money would have been spent anyway, should I issue a formal apology to my mother's relatives for going through with the wedding? We attended the funeral the morning of the wedding to show our respect so we cannot understand why so many guests decided to stay home to prove a point. Please help. We're sad we decided to get married that day after all if it was going to cause a family rift.

Yikes. That's a terrible situation to be in.

I think you were right to go ahead with the wedding. You don't say how close you or your mother were to this cousin, but I'm getting the vibe that it wasn't very. You attended the funeral that morning, you paid your respects. I'm not sure how cancelling your wedding would have shown more respect than that. I doubt it was an especially raucous affair: who wants to party hardy when they've just been at a funeral?

Your relatives are grieving, and grief can do strange things to people. I would let the subject drop until you have a reason to contact or see these relatives again - and then wait for them to bring it up. If they ignore it, they probably feel terrible for getting angry with you, but aren't sure how to go about apologizing themselves. If they apologize, accept gracefully; if they yell at you, apologize to them. Keep in mind that this isn't really about you at all: it's about them, and how they're dealing with the loss of a loved one.

The "Ooops" Baby

Amy writes:

Dear WYPF,

My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.

We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.

The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.

Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.

My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.

What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?

It gets more complex.

I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.

We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.

What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?

I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.

I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.

Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.

But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.

Not helping, am I?

You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.

However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.

You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.

Baby Names and Bad People

Gretchen asks:

My brother's wife wants to name their kid after a relative who was abusive to me but no one really knows this. I thought I put the past behind me, but it's hurtful to know this relative was abusive to me as a child. I can honestly say I am just happy that my brother was not harmed. Is there a proper way to let them know that the name they are considering is bringing back old memories, or should I just deal with it and mind my business?

Obviously, you've kept the abuse a secret for many, many years. To answer your question, you need to ask yourself what's more important: protecting your secret, or not allowing the person who hurt you to be honored with a child named after him.

You can't ask your brother to use a different name without providing an explanation, and you can't predict how your brother will react to this news. It's very possible that your situation will be made public, and will cause a serious rift in your family. For whatever reason, you've chosen to avoid this until now. Will you be prepared to face it if you have to?

For anyone who has suffered abuse, I strongly recommend therapy. You've been forcing yourself to deal with it alone for years, and you deserve some help. I hope it helps you find your answer, and I wish you the best of luck.

This Place Is For The Dogs

Jamie asks:

My sister in law's house smells like dog urine and, well, human waste as well. She rarely likes to open the windows because she thinks she will forget to close them at night. It's torture going over there, especially for meals, because the smell is overwhelming. They only have one dog, but they often forget to take the dog out so the dog pees on the furniture and no one cleans it up. I noticed this when I went to sit on the couch and saw the stains. Her bathroom is also very unsanitary - stains in the shower, mildew buildup, soiled toilet seat. I make sure I go to the bathroom before I leave my house so I won't have to use her toilet unless it's an emergency. She lives alone with her teenaged daughter, and I think the daughter should help with chores to make sure the house is kept cleaner than it is, but my sister in law said she's too busy with school and a part time job to do regular chores. I really don't want to go back over there, but every time I try to just tell her to open the windows for more fresh air "because it's so NICE out!" she replies that she always forgets to close the windows when I leave and promptly shuts them. I am at the point where I am ready to never go back over there, or just invite the sister in law to MY home for dinner and visits. What do you think?

I think never going over there is an excellent idea. I certainly would never eat in a house that was kept like that. I'm gagging just thinking about it.

For what it's worth, if I had a friend or close family member who was living in that degree of filth, I'd be pulling them aside and asking if something was wrong. This behavior is indicative of much larger problems, and it's possible that she needs professional help. Sure the teenage daughter could be helping out, but it's clear that the mother is doing nothing, so why should her daughter be expected to be different?

I would decline all future invitations to her home. If she asks why, I would tell her.

Helping Ailing Parents

Georgia asks:

My mother in law is losing her hearing, and she has the beginnings of cataracts. She also has osteoporosis and uses a walker but barely walks around her house because she's afraid to fall and break something. She lives alone so I suggested to my husband to get her the life alert system. However, none of the siblings want to chip in and it is too expensive for us to take on the entire cost. I know I can't expect them to part with their money, but this is THEIR mom, not mine, so why do I care more about her safety than they do? So my question is, would it be out of line to do some research and see how much the life alert system is if we were to share the cost, per each sibling, or is that too presumptuous?

It's admirable that you want to do something to help your mother-in-law. However, if your husband's siblings have already said they don't want to chip in on a life alert, then it is presumptuous to research prices with the expectation of changing their mind. What you could do is look into her insurance coverage and see what kind of assistance may be available under her plan. Your mother-in-law may also have the finances available to cover her own care, and it's not unreasonable to sit down with her and let her know what she needs to start doing.

There are ways to assist an ailing parent without a financial obligation as well, so don't be too quick to write off your brothers and sisters-in-law as uncaring. If an alert system is simply out of the budget, then suggest that you each make it a point to call or visit once or twice a week, just to check in on her.

The family also needs to face the fact that if their mother is going blind, there's a limit to the amount of time she's going to be able to live on her own. Start the discussion now of how you're going to handle in-home care or assisted living, or whether she'll move in with one of her children. Even if the move is ultimately a few years off, it's best to get the plan in place now so that there's not a lot of arguing or indecisiveness when the time for action comes. 

At the end of the day, the amount of time and money you're willing to put into helping your mother-in-law is a decision that you and your husband need to make independently of his siblings. I should hope that each of her children will want to provide the best care possible for the woman who raised them, but fighting over who provides what only hurts her in the end.

I Fear For Future Generations

Kitti writes:

Dear advice ppl,

I am having a 3rd baby. My other 2 r boys, but this one is a grl. I sent out baby shower invitations cuz I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and dont got no grl stuff.

My sis called an said it's wrong 2 have a baby shower 4 a 3rd baby, but it's a grl an I dont got no grl stuff.

How do I tell her to butt out?

Sorry, Kitti, your sister is right. It's only appropriate to have a baby shower for your first child, and it's never appropriate to throw your own shower. You're on your own for "grl stuff." Lucky for you, the big ticket items like car seats and high chairs aren't gender specific, and I'm sure you'll find that a lot of your sons' baby clothes are fairly gender neutral.

There are a few people in your life who should be close enough to kindly let you know when your behavior breaches etiquette. Siblings and parents are generally on that list; your sister was just trying to help you out. 

Grandbaby Rabies

Grandbaby Crazy wants to know:


My son and his wife just told us that we're going to be grandparents, and WE COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!!!!!

But it feels like we're the only ones who are!

Our other sons didn't react like we'd hoped. We were hoping they'd ask us about our son's baby registry - we even had all the information handy, just in case they wanted to send a gift. And neither of them even asked! (I'm glad I had gifts already wrapped. I just wrote their names on them and presented them to their brother!!) 

I'm so hurt. It's like they don't care that their big brother has been blessed not only with a wonderful, enriched life and lovely wife, but also a new child. One son even told me that he wasn't going to have kids EVER!

It's like they're trying to hurt me. They know how much I need grandbabies! I'm so happy that my pride and joy is having a baby, but I'd love to have even more.

How can I get everyone else as excited about the new bundle of joy as I am? You're my only hope!

First off, congratulations on your new grandchild. For many people, new babies are extremely exciting, and this is definitely going to be a wonderful time for you, your son, and your daughter-in-law.

For other people, the excitement doesn't really happen until the baby arrives. If your daughter-in-law is still early in her pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised that gifts weren't the first thought to enter your other sons' minds. While it was nice of you to want to "help" by choosing and wrapping gifts for them to give, unless they asked you to do so it really wasn't your place. Have you set up an expectation for your older son that all his brothers want to do is shower him and his wife with gifts? That's really not fair to anyone. You are entitled to give this child everything and anything you want, but make it from you.

As far as wanting more grandchildren, slow down and enjoy the gifts you do have. Greed isn't becoming on anyone. Whether and when to have children is a very personal decision to be made ONLY by the couple having the child. They may want to wait until they're more financially stable. They may have decided that parenthood isn't for them. Or, they may not be able to have children, and constantly hounding them will only add to their pain. Their situations and choices have nothing to do with you and are none of your buisness. 

 

So cuddle the new baby, count your blessings, and keep your mouth shut. 

Small Dog People Aren't The Same As Big Dog People

Vincenza Marie asks:

I have a small dog that is very well behaved. She doesn't bark when the doorbell rings, she doesn't jump on people, and she's generally just a lap dog. Every time I go to my brother's house, his huge dog jumps on any guest who walks in. The dog listens when my brother gives it a command, but then the dog gets bored I guess (she's 2 years old) and tries to engage people by jumping on them and putting her paws on their shoulders going face to face. This is fine for some people, but I don't like big dogs. I do not like that they are very strong when they jump on you. This dog also has a thing for feet, and will slober on my (or any guest's) feet, and start trying to chew the laces off of the shoes I am wearing. Even though he stops the dog, I hate going over there just because I know the dog will start annoying me. I think when I start to get annoyed, the dog thinks I am playing. Everyone, including my fiance, think that i should lighten up because I have a dog, and they think that I am too mean because I won't acknowledge my brother's dog. I am tired of having this dog's saliva on me when I am at their house. Is it wrong of me to not want to have anything to do with this dog?

It's not wrong of you to expect your brother's dog to be disciplined when you visit, especially given that your brother knows you have a problem with it. If the dog is so good at listening to commands, then why isn't your brother commanding it not to jump on people when they open the door? Having a dog that jumps can be dangerous. What happens when a small child or elderly person visits the house? It may be worth pointing out to your brother that owning a large dog comes with certain responsibilities, and he's not living up to them.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your brother is willing to change his behavior, so it's up to you to change yours. Here are a few things you can do to make your interactions with the dog more bearable.

1. Ask your brother to confine the dog to another room when you enter the house. Not having the dog greet you at the door will enable him to hear your voice and get used to your presence before he sees you. It will also give you a minute to relax and greet your family without having to worry about the dog.

2. Once you and the dog are in the same room, practice Cesar Milan's method of "no talk, no touch, no eye contact." If you ignore the dog he'll soon learn that you're no fun to play with. If the dog jumps on you, turn your back, cross your arms, and stand still until he goes away. Once the dog is calm and quiet you can speak to him and pet him.

3. Remain calm. This one is easier said than done, especially if you're intimidated by the dog. However, dogs truly do feed off of people's energy. If your nerves cause you to act excitably (jumping backwards, flailing your arms, etc.) the dog will take this as play. Instead, breathe deeply and stand your ground. Again, the dog will decide you're boring and move on to the next victim.

4. Don't wear laced shoes to your brother's house. If you know a certain item of clothing provokes bad behavior, stop wearing it.

Absent of proper training on your brother's part, none of these is going to be a cure-all for this dog's behavior. However, by understanding his limitations and yours, you might be able to make visits at least bearable.


Also keep in mind that you like your brother more than you dislike his dog (I hope). Sometimes you have to take a little bit of bad with the good. Do you really want to give this dog the power to ruin your relationship with your family?

You Can Pick Your Friends, But You Can't Pick Your Family

Snap writes:

I don't know how to handle this situation. About a year ago I met some really cool people at my cousin's wedding. One of the people I met is her new sister in law, her husband's sister. She's a cool chick, and likes to go to the same clubs I like. We talked and texted a lot since the wedding, and saw each other occassionally at the same places, oftentimes with my cousin/her new sister in law.

I made plans this past weekend to hang out with her, without my cousin. My friends were all there with us, and they are generally my age, around 24-26 years old average. This one is 32, and she just lives a fantastic life, or so I thought.

She drove her new car to the club we were all hanging out at, and I guess she forgot she drove and got super sloppy drunk. My boyfriend is a great guy, and did not drink at all, and couldn't let her leave by herself in good conscience. he offered to drive her car and take her home to get her home safe, and we'd have our friends follow us so we could have a ride back home also.

That's when it all went downhill. He got in the driver's seat, and had a hard time starting the car. She smirked and asked, "What's wrong with you, don't you know how to drive?" And he told her he never drove a BMW. She became really sarcastic about this, and told him he must not do anything for me because he doesn't have enough money for a BMW. So she showed him how to start the car and we went on our way. We thought she was just drunk and acting foolish, so we let it go, because she still had to get home safe.

Then she passed out in the backseat and wouldn't respond when we asked where she lived. I remembered that her parents live in a nearby town about 15 miles away, so we started to drive there. We got in front of the house, and she started to scream, literally scream, "Where did you take me? Why would you think I live here?" So I told her I thought this was her parents' house, and she said that she doesn't live with her parents she lives in an apartment a few blocks from the club we were at. My boyfriend was starting to get annoyed, but figured this was a friend of a friend and wanted to keep peace. We drove back to where we came from.

On the way, she started to complain that she was hungry and asked if we could stop, and since I was hungry also, we stopped at a 24 hr McD's. She fell asleep again and woke up in the parking lot and started yelling about how she doesn't eat shitty McD's and what kind of person do we think she is.

Since we were close to her home, we told her we were tired and we were just going to drop her off. We parked the car, she cursed at us, told us to go F--K ourselves because she was too good to be seen with us because she just went to St Barth's and hangs out with celebrities. She also threatened to beat me up as she was walking into her building. She didn't, she was just peacocking. Needless to say, we will not be seeing her socially again.

I told my cousin what happened, and my cousin said that she's just an angry drunk and to just not hang out with her anymore, but I think my cousin is impressed with this chick's BMW, fancy vacations, and socialite behavior. Do I say something to my cousin, or do I just let it go and hope to never run into this chick again? I don't want things to be awkward because she is close with my cousin since they are in-laws, but at the same time, I don't take this abuse from anyone.

You already said something to your cousin, and she told you not to hang out with her sister-in-law anymore. What more do you want to get out of this?

I agree that this is not a woman that you should continue to see socially. I don't believe that drunkeness is an excuse for bad behavior. In fact, I think actions taken while drunk are more of an indicator of a person's character than actions taken while sober. So yeah, this woman is a classless assbag and you shouldn't care if you never see her again.

Unfortunately, it's a lot easier to cut an acquaintance out of your life than it is to cut out family. This woman is your cousin's family, and if you continue to make an issue of this you're only making your cousin's situation worse. The fact that your cousin acknowledged that her sister-in-law is a bad drunk and suggested you not pursue the friendship leads me to believe that she's already aware of this woman's shortcomings. If she's willing to overlook them for the BMW and the socialite lifestyle, so be it. She's not forcing you to continue the friendship.

So let it go. Stop returning her texts and emails, don't hang out with your cousin if this chick is around, be friendly when you cross paths at family parties, and go about your life. Anything beyond that isn't your business.

Enough About MIL: Let's Talk About You

Len writes:

How to deal with an intolerable mother in law? I know some can suck, but then there is mine and she sucks so bad that I sometimes wonder if my wife is going to turn into this monster of a beast. She comes over whenever she wants and my wife apologizes, but never tells her mother to announce herself so we can tell her if it's a good time. Then she comes in and my wife gets mad when I retreat to my den to hang out on the computer because she thinks I am not being social, and her mother complains that i am so rude. But I play it off, saying I am letting them have a private visit together! Why would she want to see me anyway? Whenever I am in her company she tells me what she doesn't like about how I look that day or how I can dress better if I go to the higher end stores. And it's my house, so if I like to keep my overflow of pots and pans in the stove (I do the majority of cooking), that is my business, right? It's not like the place is a mess. WHAT to do?

Well, I assume your wife was close to her mother before she married you, yes? I mean, this can't be news, that MIL wants to visit, and Mrs. Len wants to let her. This is not a MIL problem, Len - this is a you-and-your-wife problem.

First of all, the impression you paint in your letter is of someone who hates his MIL, is rude to her, and keeps a dirty house. People generally try to make themselves look good when describing their problems, Len, and if this is the best you can do, I really have to doubt that your MIL is the "monster of a beast" that you describe. She sounds like someone who thinks dropping in is perfectly OK, and who responds to rudeness with rudeness. Certainly, she's not perfect - no one is - but I think you have to look at your own behavior before you start pointing fingers.

Have you discussed that you don't like drop-ins with your wife? If her mother thinks dropping-in is fine, chances are, she does, too. If you don't tell you wife that you would prefer if she tell her mother to call first, you can't be angry when she doesn't. And don't tell me that she knows it's wrong because she apologizes: if my husband stormed off without even trading chit-chat with a visitor, my instinct would be to apologize, as well, if only to soften the blow of the chewing-out I'd give next.

Which brings me to my next point: You're rude to your MIL. No, you're not "letting them have a private visit". You're ignoring a guest in your home, to the point where both the guest and your wife have called you on it. This woman is part of your extended family. If you can't stand to chit-chat for ten or fifteen minutes, why did you marry your wife? Did you think that somehow she'd just drop her family when she married you? No. You agreed to be, at the very minimum, polite to her relatives when you said "I do". That doesn't change because you're disgruntled.

Is MIL wrong to criticize your clothing? Perhaps. Then again, I'm not in the room when she does it, and what you hear as criticism may simply be her saying, "Macy's is having a great sale on men's shirts this weekend. You should check it out." Given your description of "pans in the stove", I doubt your sartorial choices are even clean, let alone fashionable.

In this situation, you have to give a little to get a little. Clean your house, put on a good shirt, and be nice. You might be surprised at how far that'll get you, Len. If it doesn't get you anywhere at all, go ahead and fire us off another letter: we'll be happy to provide more help.

More Things We Should Have Discussed Before The Wedding

Sandra asks:

My husband is not my daughter's father but he likes to be treated as such, because her own dad isn't in the picture. But I don't like the way he treats her and even she is starting to get annoyed, she's 12. He likes to think that she needs to do whatever he needs because she's a kid and kids ought to licten, and that is fine to a degree. He is the step dad and deserves a role in her parenting. We're married 2 years, living together as a family for 7 total. If we don't have bread to eat with dinner he'll ask her to go to the store to get bread even though we've already sat down. If he is watching TV on the couch, he asks her to go gethim things to drink. How do I explain he can do these things himself? Or is he right to make her do some of these chores to learn responsibility?


I do think that step-parents should be able to play a role in parenting, especially when the children are young and the other biological parent is not in the picture. You are a family, which means handling certain things as a unit rather than as individuals. Telling your husband that he can't tell your daughter what to do simply because he's not her father is only going to confuse your daughter and build resentment between you and your husband.

That said, I don't think it's appropriate to send a 12 year old to the store alone, especially when the family has just sat down for dinner. Occasionally asking her to grab something for him--as long as she's up and/or closer to the desired object--doesn't bother me, but him making her his personal errand-girl does.

It could be that the two of you just have different parenting styles. This would be a problem whether or not your daughter was biologically his, and should be addressed between the two of you. It's possible that he was raised to do everything his parents said, and sees this as an acceptable behavior. Explain to your husband that while you do want him to be an equal partner in terms of disciplining, educating, and maintaining the health and well-being of your child, you have to draw the line at making arbitrary rules or requirements just because she's the kid. Come up with a list or a set of standards that you both think are appropriate chores for a 12-year-old, and stick to it.

It could also be that your husband has control issues stemming from the fact that he's not your daughter's biological father. Maybe there's a degree of respect that he thinks he deserves but does not think he's getting, and these demands are his way of forcing it. This is a problem that probably requires the help of a counselor, especially if you plan on having more children. The last thing you want is for him to treat your children differently because some are "his" and others are not.


I would suggest that at least your early conversations about this issue happen without your daughter present. Involving her at this point is just going to create an "us vs. you" atmosphere, which won't be productive at all.

Religious Differences

Janice asks:


I am Christian and my husband is Jewish. I always celebrated Christmas and have a tree every year. All of the sudden this week my husband tells me that he finds having a tree offensive and does not think it is apporpriate to have in our home! And then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I should convert to judaism because we're married now and he is not sure he wants kids with me until then! This is news, we celebrate our one year anniversary this year, our different religions never cause a problem before because neither of us are devout religious people. I go to church regularly and celbrate my main Christian holidays with my family, he doesn't even keep Kosher. Is a Christmas tree really thar big of a deal to have if you're not Christian? It's just pretty to look at.


Is there a reason your husband started thinking about Christmas in June? It seems like a strange time to bring something like that up. If he's never been particularly devout, and the conversion thing really is news to you, it's possible that he's going through some crisis of faith or spiritual dilemma.

Approaching you about it the way he did was inappropriate, and that needs to be addressed. Sit him down and figure out where this change of heart came from. Has he been planning this all along, and just waited until you were trapped into marriage to spring it all on you? That's fraud, and would be grounds to seek an annulment.

That's not to say I advocate ending your marriage. I strongly believe in "till death do us part," but the point needs to be made that your husband's behavior is highly unacceptable.

There must be a way you can support his new-found devotion without giving up your own faith. If you don't whole-heartedly agree with his religion, you have no business converting to it. If he doesn't respect that, he's missing the point. Many families celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. Some parents wait until their children are older and allow them to choose the religion that speaks most to them. You need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Keep in mind that there's a good chance you won't be able to do it on your own. He doesn't sound like he's wild about compromise. Talk to your pastor, and his rabbi, and a separate, non-religious counselor or therapist to get as much help as you can in getting through this. I cannot imagine it will be an easy road.

And to the rest of our readers, let this be a lesson that even those things that were never an issue while dating can turn into huge issues in a marriage. Talking about every issue--big or small--before you walk down the aisle will save you a lot of trouble later in life.

Monkeys See, Monkeys Do

Exhausted writes:

When my 3 nephews come over, ages 12, 8, and 6, they have to be told to remember their manners. Their parents don't say anything until I say something, and by then the kids have already misbehaved. They never say please or thank you, and walk right past me and my husband when they come into our home. After dinner, they leave their plates at the table to go and play, and I have to call them back to clean their places. They were recently watching a TV show and had the nerve to ask the grownups to be quiet so they can hear their show. My husband told them that the adults are allowed to talk, and reminded them that they usually interrupt everyone and make noise when WE are all trying to talk, so they need to be more mindful of their actions. Their mom babies them so we can't tell her how to parent, but in our home, we're entitled to have them abide by certain rules. Or are we?

You're right: you can't tell other people how to parent. Unless you're an advice columnist.

But you're also right that you decide on the rules to be followed in your own home. 12, 8, and 6 are more than old enough to show common courtesy, pick up after themselves, and be respectful of everyone else. Next time the boys come over, I think you should meet them at the door and, after greeting them warmly, remind them of the rules. Say something like, "Now, I know you guys remember that we do things a little differently at Auntie's house. I just want to remind you that we're polite to each other all the time, and we pick up after ourselves, and we respect each other and other people's belongings." Or whatever other major problem you're having with them.

Reminding children of the rules is not parenting - it is helping to socialize them. You know that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well, you're the village. Since their parents have little interest in helping them move past the wild barbarian stage, it's up to you to do so - at least while they're in your home.

The best way to do this, though, is to model the behavior for them. In that vein, I think it's terribly rude to be talking over a television program that other people are trying to watch. Is there no other room where you can go to chat, that won't disturb the boys? I have to say, I'm not surprised they're rude: that's the example being set for them. There are not separate standards of politeness for adults and children, and if you fail to show them any respect, don't be surprised when you get disrespect in return.