Monday, June 7, 2010

You're Asking The Wrong Questions

Kev's Princess writes:

My boyfriend of 6 months proposed to me just a few weeks ago. Yay! But now he wants to move in together before the wedding, and thinks we should have a secret wedding so we don't have to live in sin, but I really wanted the big wedding. I already started planning a wedding for next summer, but he's insisting on going through with this one. Part of me thinks it will be a lot of fun to have a secret marriage, but I am wondering if it will interfere with my real wedding next summer? Will the wedding be legal or will we be considered married twice which is against the law? So confused.

To answer the question you're asking, secret weddings are never okay. You can't do it. No church will marry you if you're already married. If you're planning a civil ceremony for the big wedding, I suppose it can be faked, but it would be very tacky. The truth will come out, and how will your guests feel when they realize that all they've witnessed is a farce? Tell Kev that there is absolutely no way you can have a secret wedding.

In fact, I would highly suggest you not have a wedding at all. Sometimes I like to play a little game called "Count the Red Flags." Everyone see how many you can come up with.

Got your answer? Okay.

I counted 6. Kev's Princess, I think you have a little problem here.

1. You've only been together for 6 months. My father always told me that you have to experience something through all four seasons before you make a permanent decision. You've only made it through 2. I know, I know. Everyone has a story of that special couple who got married the week they met, and against all odds stayed married for 50 years. This is an exception. A MAJOR exception. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're one of them. In order to make such a major decision in such a short time and make it work, you need to be self-actualized enough not to write to second rate blogs for relationship advice.

2. You can't even agree on the wedding. Did you just start planning the summer wedding without considering when or how he wanted to get married? Wedding planning is a great time to practice the art of compromise. You two aren't there yet.

3. Kev is insisting. It sounds like you're at least willing to entertain his ideas, however bad they may be. He's not offering you the same courtesy. This goes with #2. If he's unwilling to compromise on this, will he be willing to compromise on the division of household chores? Major financial decisions? Child-rearing? What happens when he wants sex and you have a headache?

4. You're looking for loopholes, and are wishy-washy on your values. One or both of you doesn't believe in living together before marriage. That's fine. But when you don't believe in living together before marriage, you don't live together until you are publicly married. Figuring out a way to have your cake and eat it too is not really the point of having values. And really, how strong can your convictions be if you're willing to let people think you're living together out of wedlock just so you can have your happy fancy wedding day?

5. There is nothing fun about a secret marriage. Keeping that big a secret from everyone you know is stressful. Marriage is about two people publicly joining their lives. If you're skipping the public part, you're missing the point.

6. The email address from which you sent your question suggests that you already have a child. Are these the values you want to teach your little boy? Marriage is something to be jumped into. It's okay to lie to people in order to get what you want. God just wants you to technically be following the rules, your intentions don't matter. What stepdad says goes, even if it's not what mom wants.

Think about that.

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