Caring for Aging Parents

Angie R. writes:

You're going to think I am a horrible person. I love my mother in law, but her hygiene habits are nonexistant. It's not entirely her fault, because she's elderly and has a very incompetant bladder. I dread wen she comes over because of the smell that follows her. Her clothes do not seem to get regular washings, so something lingers in the air. I also cannot control how often she visits when I am not home, so often my home is not ready for her to visit. Because of her legitimate medical issues with her bladder, she constantly leaks, which means I either have to rewash my floors when she laves, or shampoo the livingroom carpet, or shampoo my dining chairs because they are fabric. I already keep a liner on my couch which gets people to mock me, but it's the only way my couch remains unstained. I cannot be insensitive, and I know my husband is embarrassed for his mother, but what can I do? She doesn't take our advice on wearing protection, and I cannot force her to sit in one spot when she visits without moving. She sees a doctor regularly, but she's and adult and I cannot force her to get more help. Is my only option to tell her to stay home???

I realize this is an unpleasant subject to bring up with someone, but you and your husband owe it to his poor mother to get her some more help. If you have to shampoo your carpets after she leaves, imagine the state her own home must be in. What happens when she goes to a store or a restaurant, or rides in someone's car?

If she can't manage to clean up after herself or wash her clothing on a regular basis, she's in no state to be living on her own. You need to start taking steps to provide for her care.

Aging is a difficult process for everyone involved. People who were once able-bodied and capable have a difficult time letting go of the things they used to be able to do. Adult children of aging parents can be reluctant to step into the role of caretaker. But if you love this woman as you say you do, you need to do what's best for her. And as we all know, what's best isn't always what's easiest.



Cutting her off by telling her she can no longer visit will make her feel bad and do nothing to improve the situation. Talking to her honestly and helping her get her problem under control will make her feel bad and then make her better. Which do you think is the better option?
Start with a frank conversation about what she can and can't do at this stage in her life. Accompany her to doctor's appointments to make sure she understands any diagnosis, treatment, or other instructions. Buy her a package of Depends and tell her she has to wear them in your house.

She's going to think you're treating her like a child. You and your husband are going to feel like you're dishonoring her or being ungrateful for the years of care she provided him. There will be ugly fights and lots of hard conversations. But the end goal is that you improve her quality of life.

The Bed is the Least of Your Worries.

S. A. writes:

My fiance became sick recently with really bad flu symptoms. He was hospitalized for 2 days because of the fluids he lost and they thought it might have been a form of meningitis. Thank goodness he's home and getting better, but he's still feeling sick. I offered to stay home with him and even had the time approved, and we live together, but my future mother in law insisted I save my vacation time for the wedding. Well, this was fine, until I came home to find my future mother in law giving my husband a bath in our master bathroom, and she was in her bra and panties. My jaw dropped and I went to leave when she apologized for letting herself in my home unannounced. She recovered when I walked in the bathroom and said she got her clothes wet helping him into the tub, but her clothes were laying on my bed (MY SHARED BED WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND) and they were completely dry. I think it was very awkward for my fiance as well, and he hasn't said anything about it. Do I dare think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship? I mean they seem like a normal family, but it's not like my husband still has a fever or anything and is fully capable of showering by himself when I was home the day before with him.

I'm concerned that the part of this story you seem most upset about is that your future mother-in-laws clothes were on your bed, and not that your future husband was naked in a bathtub with his mother. Yes, you should think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship. I wouldn't even take the time to ask him about it, I'd be too busy packing my things and getting out of there as fast as humanly possible.

Helping Ailing Parents

Georgia asks:

My mother in law is losing her hearing, and she has the beginnings of cataracts. She also has osteoporosis and uses a walker but barely walks around her house because she's afraid to fall and break something. She lives alone so I suggested to my husband to get her the life alert system. However, none of the siblings want to chip in and it is too expensive for us to take on the entire cost. I know I can't expect them to part with their money, but this is THEIR mom, not mine, so why do I care more about her safety than they do? So my question is, would it be out of line to do some research and see how much the life alert system is if we were to share the cost, per each sibling, or is that too presumptuous?

It's admirable that you want to do something to help your mother-in-law. However, if your husband's siblings have already said they don't want to chip in on a life alert, then it is presumptuous to research prices with the expectation of changing their mind. What you could do is look into her insurance coverage and see what kind of assistance may be available under her plan. Your mother-in-law may also have the finances available to cover her own care, and it's not unreasonable to sit down with her and let her know what she needs to start doing.

There are ways to assist an ailing parent without a financial obligation as well, so don't be too quick to write off your brothers and sisters-in-law as uncaring. If an alert system is simply out of the budget, then suggest that you each make it a point to call or visit once or twice a week, just to check in on her.

The family also needs to face the fact that if their mother is going blind, there's a limit to the amount of time she's going to be able to live on her own. Start the discussion now of how you're going to handle in-home care or assisted living, or whether she'll move in with one of her children. Even if the move is ultimately a few years off, it's best to get the plan in place now so that there's not a lot of arguing or indecisiveness when the time for action comes. 

At the end of the day, the amount of time and money you're willing to put into helping your mother-in-law is a decision that you and your husband need to make independently of his siblings. I should hope that each of her children will want to provide the best care possible for the woman who raised them, but fighting over who provides what only hurts her in the end.

Mom, I Get It Now

Elisalynn asks:

My 16 year old daughter wants her boyfriend to sleep over, and we are okay with it as long as he sleeps in the guest room because he lives 2 hours away. But she wants him to sleep in her room and insists they have a virtuous relationship. I want to keep it that way, by having him sleep in the guest room. She tells us that she will just go sleep at his house if he is not allowed to sleep in her room. How do we enforce our house rules since she is only 16?

The answer to this one is simple. You parent. This is your daughter, not your friend. It's not your job to make sure she's always happy and never disagrees with you on anything. It is your job to make sure she grows up knowing there are certain expectations she needs to meet and that she can't always get what she wants.

When she's an adult she won't be able to tell her boss that if he doesn't give her a raise she'll just stop doing her work. Because she'll get fired. Because her actions will have consequences.

Does she have consequences now? It doesn't sound like she does. You have good reason to believe (because she told you) that if she spends the night at her boyfriend's house she won't be following your rules. So you don't let her spend the night at her boyfriend's house. And you don't believe her when she tells you her plans changed and she's just staying at her friend Beth's house, either.

Only you know what kind of punishment will hit hardest for your daughter. Maybe it's spending every Friday for the next month babysitting her little brother. Maybe it's taking away the car. Whatever it is, you need to make sure she knows without a doubt that by defying you, she's choosing that punishment.


(We'll ignore the part about the 16 year old being a in a long-distance relationship. Shouldn't she be hanging out with boys from her own school, or at least her own town?)

 


 

At Least You Got The Question Right

Sad Mom asks:

I have a 7 year old child, but I hate his personality. I feel bad because he's a cute kid and very smart, but he's a brat and a half. I feel like I need therapry because I love him more than anything in the world - I'd DIE for him, he's biologically born from my body. He just has a personality I do not like. What is WRONG with me??

I'm sure Kate is going to want to chime in on this one as well. Some may say I have no business commenting on someone's parenting, given that I don't have children. Perhaps my response to this will change when whatever magic bounty of common sense that comes with producing spawn is bestowed on me, but I highly doubt it.

Honestly, Sad Mom, your problem is that you raised a bratty kid. He wasn't born from your body with a bad attitude and a sense of entitlement. I can't tell you what it is exactly that you've done wrong, but you've done something.

I can tell you that children are highly intuitive, and hate is a strong word. I can guarantee you that your son knows that you have strong negative feelings toward him. That probably doesn't inspire a lot of trust or respect.

You do have the power to turn your child's attitude around. Start by modeling good behavior. If you're matching his temper with your own, you're teaching him that tantrums are a valid way to approach your problems. If he doesn't have clear rules and boundaries,  put them in place.

Just as importantly, praise him for his good behavior. Reward good grades, good manners, etc. Let him see that you do notice and recognize his good qualities.

Things aren't going to change overnight, so don't give up or give in. And if you continue to have these feelings, do seek therapy. No child deserves to have a parent that hates them.

Daddy Dearest Doesn't Like Wire Hangers, Either

Sweetheart writes:

My dad told me to book whatever place I wanted for my wedding, and not to worry that he'd help me out. He came with me to look at a place he actually suggested, and on the drive home he started accusing me of only spending time with him to get his money, and not to expect a dime. He often did this to my mom and they divorced, but I never thought he'd do this to me. As far as I am concerned, his money is his. I don't want to ruin my relationship, but is there a good way top tell him I just want his blessing, and I don;t need his money? If it is his love or money, I'll take the love. I just think we left off on a bad note after this venue visit.

"Dad, I think we left things on a bad note the other day. I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your offer very, very much, and it's incredibly kind of you, but I won't be taking you up on it. "

Your dad's money has strings - nasty, cruel, abusive strings. So don't take it. Pay for the wedding yourself, and avoid this particular pitfall with your dad.

But be aware that he may not stop hectoring you about your affection - or his perception of the lack thereof - anytime soon. If he did this to your mother while they were married, it's obviously not really about money or love, but about control. He wants to control you, and if he can use money, great; if he can use guilt, even better. Accusing someone of loving them only for money, and doing so repeatedly, is not the sign of a mentally healthy individual. So take everything he says with a grain of salt the size of Montana, if necessary, if you'd like to continue a relationship; and recognize that you're under no obligation to continue a relationship with someone who treats you like this.

Congratulations on your marriage, and good luck!