Catholics Aren't the Best People to Ask About This

Lady writes:

I have a question which is going to pertain to something having to do with my husband and family and all the like but mostly probably myself. I am trying to be a very virtuous woman as the Bible does instruct me to but my husband likes me to not be so virtuous in ways I do not think the bible likes. For instance he likes me to wear lewd clothing that does not allow for modesty even though I know that the whores on the Vegas strip are most likely the women he wants me to start to look like for fun even though it is only in the house he wants me to be so provocative. Have you ever see these women who dress as if they are going swimming at any moment because these are the women he probably likes for me to aspire to so you know what I mean. Their shorts may as well be underwear and their top may as well not be there and a virtuous woman dresses in another way and has class. If we have children this will not make for an excellent example of modesty and womanhood and female ways of perperness. Thank you!

Well, Lady, you're quite welcome.

If I'm understanding correctly, I think what you're asking is if it's considered Biblically proper to dress in provocative lingerie for your husband.

Because I'm not an expert on literal Scripture interpretation, I looked up what I could about Bible references to lingerie. What I found was that the Good Book doesn't reference dressing for sexual purposes directly - in fact, the Bible doesn't say very much specifically about sexual habits at all. The Marriage Bed, a site for married Christian couples, outlines what the Bible has to say about sexuality within marriage, and it doesn't look like lingerie should be considered a problem.

The Bible does seem to have quite a lot to say on the subject of modesty, but none of it has to do with the marital relationship.

I think that if your husband's request truly bothers you on a spiritual level, you should seek some answers from your clergyman; he'll be able to guide you and your husband to a happy compromise in this matter.

My own opinion is that there is nothing improper in wearing something visually enticing for your husband. Good sex helps build a good marriage, and good sex thrives on novelty. Different positions, different clothing, different locations - all of these help keep the spice in your relationship. Don't be afraid to experiment with new ways of expressing your love.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

How Does He Feel About Green Eggs?

Torn writes:

I have a magical hambone (powers were bestowed upon it by the high priestess of my circle of believers). My boyfriend does not share my religion and thinks the hambone is gross.  There are bits of meat stuck to it still and it attracks flies and gnats.  He wants me to boil it to "clean it up a bit" but that was not the state it was in when blessed by the high priestess.  He says he is going to move out if I don't do something about it because he can't sleep with the flies (right now it hangs over our bed to protect us in the night).  I think I can maybe put up a mosquito net to help for a while.  How long until the ham bits will rot away and quit attracting flies?




Differing beliefs can be a major problem in relationships; this is why many religions discourage interfaith marriages. It can be very difficult to have a loved one tell you that any part of your belief system is "gross." If your magical hambone is a dealbreaker to your boyfriend, then you're going to have to decide whether or not it's a dealbreaker for you. It's good that you're having this conversation before you're married. You may have to make the difficult decision that this isn't the man for you, but think of how much happier you'll be when you meet someone who treats your hambone with the reverence it deserves. Alternatively, you may decide that this man is more important to you than your faith. Both are valid decisions, but they are yours to make.


If you are looking to reach a compromise, perhaps you could hang it outside--maybe over the back door--until the ham bits rot away. I'm not really sure how long the rotting process takes, but I imagine being outside in the elements would hasten it. And, while it's outdoors, your hambone will be able to protect your entire home during the night, rather than just your bedroom. You and your boyfriend will have the added comfort of not needing to worry about the sanitation issues involved with sleeping in a room full of flies.

Religious Differences

Janice asks:


I am Christian and my husband is Jewish. I always celebrated Christmas and have a tree every year. All of the sudden this week my husband tells me that he finds having a tree offensive and does not think it is apporpriate to have in our home! And then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I should convert to judaism because we're married now and he is not sure he wants kids with me until then! This is news, we celebrate our one year anniversary this year, our different religions never cause a problem before because neither of us are devout religious people. I go to church regularly and celbrate my main Christian holidays with my family, he doesn't even keep Kosher. Is a Christmas tree really thar big of a deal to have if you're not Christian? It's just pretty to look at.


Is there a reason your husband started thinking about Christmas in June? It seems like a strange time to bring something like that up. If he's never been particularly devout, and the conversion thing really is news to you, it's possible that he's going through some crisis of faith or spiritual dilemma.

Approaching you about it the way he did was inappropriate, and that needs to be addressed. Sit him down and figure out where this change of heart came from. Has he been planning this all along, and just waited until you were trapped into marriage to spring it all on you? That's fraud, and would be grounds to seek an annulment.

That's not to say I advocate ending your marriage. I strongly believe in "till death do us part," but the point needs to be made that your husband's behavior is highly unacceptable.

There must be a way you can support his new-found devotion without giving up your own faith. If you don't whole-heartedly agree with his religion, you have no business converting to it. If he doesn't respect that, he's missing the point. Many families celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. Some parents wait until their children are older and allow them to choose the religion that speaks most to them. You need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Keep in mind that there's a good chance you won't be able to do it on your own. He doesn't sound like he's wild about compromise. Talk to your pastor, and his rabbi, and a separate, non-religious counselor or therapist to get as much help as you can in getting through this. I cannot imagine it will be an easy road.

And to the rest of our readers, let this be a lesson that even those things that were never an issue while dating can turn into huge issues in a marriage. Talking about every issue--big or small--before you walk down the aisle will save you a lot of trouble later in life.

You Can Start By Telling Him Christmas Trees Aren't Christian

Janice writes:

I am Christian and my husband is Jewish. I always celebrated Christmas and have a tree every year. All of the sudden this week my husband tells me that he finds having a tree offensive and does not think it is appropriate to have in our home! And then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I should convert to Judaism because we're married now and he is not sure he wants kids with me until then! This is news, we celebrate our one year anniversary this year, our different religions never cause a problem before because neither of us are devout religious people. I go to church regularly and celebrate my main Christian holidays with my family, he doesn't even keep Kosher. Is a Christmas tree really that big of a deal to have if you're not Christian? It's just pretty to look at.

Janice, what you have here is a bait-and-switch.

Your husband was fine with dating an observant Christian, proposing to an observant Christian, and marrying an observant Christian - but now you're not good enough to have kids with? Now he expects you to suddenly become Jewish?

You need to sit down with him and ask where this is coming from. Is he concerned about passing on his culture? Is he getting family pressure to raise Jewish kids? Nothing happens in a vacuum, and if he's been accepting of your faith up until now, you can be sure that something has changed with him to make him change his mind.

If you didn't discuss religion before you married, why the hell not?! This is a big issue, especially as kids come into the mix. Many new parents gravitate back to the faith they grew up in, wanting to give their kids the same background they themselves had. It's part of the reason many faiths frown on mixed-faith marriages, and some sects prohibit them altogether: it can be confusing for children to try to reconcile contradictory doctrines. Not to mention that every religion holds that it is the only way to salvation: how can you teach kids that each is equally valid, when the tenets of the faiths themselves maintain otherwise?

If your husband refuses to let this go, I would try a few sessions with a counselor experienced with mixed-faith couples. If he still won't drop it, you may simply have to divorce. This certainly falls under the "irreconcilable differences" umbrella. Definitely do not have children until you've resolved this issue: adding kids to the mix will only exacerbate the problem as you face baptism vs. bris; Sunday school vs. Hebrew school.

Good luck.