Candida writes:
My husband and I talk about starting a family all the time, but can't ever commit to a start date. We've been married for over a year and the questions from family members are getting to us. Since we can't just get down and DO IT already, I would like to surprise him with a BFP. We've been having unprotected sex, but we avoid during my fertile time of the cycle and I know this because I chart. I was thinking of just going with the flow for a few months and we'll see what happens, and then he'll be super excited and surprised when I do finally become pregnant. I think the idea of actually trying makes him anxious, so that's why he's still not quite there yet physically even though he wants kids. SO anyway, when I do get pregnant, I wanted to think of fun ways to give him the news! Any ideas would be appreciative, I want him to be as happy as I am to have babies together!!!
There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. No wait, I do. The best way to make sure he's as happy as you are to have babies together is to LET HIM BE IN ON THE DECISION.
Do not--DO. NOT.--surprise him with a BFP. Wanting children is not the same thing as wanting children now. Sure, there's never really a "right" time to have kids, but there sure as hell are a lot of wrong ones. When the only way your husband can be convinced is when you don't give him the choice? Wrong time.
While we're on the topic, there are plenty of good reasons to start a family. Because the questions from family members are getting to you isn't one of them. If someone is rude enough to bring it up, smile sweetly and tell them to mind their own business.
As far as dealing with your desire to start a family, try sitting down with him and having a serious conversation about when and why and how. Maybe he's he has a particular goal he wants to reach before you start a family, such finding a better job or owning a home. Maybe there's something he's always wanted to do that he thinks will no longer be possible once kids are in the picture, like traveling the world or starting a rock band. Address his concerns calmly and rationally, and make a plan together that helps you both reach your goals.
I won't even address fun ways to give him the news, because if you do it right, it won't be news to him.
Showing posts with label you are wrong. Show all posts
Showing posts with label you are wrong. Show all posts
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Be Thankful That This Isn't Your Mom
Marie asks:
I loaned my daughter $10,000 four years ago with a repayment plan of $100-200 a month no interest. I came into a large inheritance and offered to loan her the money so she could pay for her tuition for college. She has paid back about half, but now I lost my job and need my money back. She is unable to pay more than our originally agreed amount but when we made the agreement I was gainfully employed. Sure, I made some frivolous purchases that ate up a large chunk of my savings but that never seemed like my daughter's business. She said that I should not have made certain purchases, and that if I were not able to taker her repayment deal I should not have agreed. Now I have only $6k left, no job, so now I need her to pay me back faster. How can I ask her to double her monthly payments? She claims she cannot take a personal loan to give it to me in one lump sum.
Your daughter. You have a contract, and she's honoring her end of the deal. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on hers.
And honestly, if you have no job and only $6,000 to your name, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Even if your daughter could give you all the money back in one payment, how long would it last you? A month? Two weeks? You've already demonstrated that you're not good at handling money, and asking your daughter to go into further debt to bail you out is just plain selfish.
Go get a job. Plenty of retail stores are hiring for the holiday season. Use the money you earn to pay for necessities (food and shelter). Take whatever's left over and SAVE IT. Then, take the $1-200 per month that your daughter is paying you back and SAVE IT.
Then maybe, just maybe, the next time you find yourself in a similar situation you'll be able to take care of yourself.
I loaned my daughter $10,000 four years ago with a repayment plan of $100-200 a month no interest. I came into a large inheritance and offered to loan her the money so she could pay for her tuition for college. She has paid back about half, but now I lost my job and need my money back. She is unable to pay more than our originally agreed amount but when we made the agreement I was gainfully employed. Sure, I made some frivolous purchases that ate up a large chunk of my savings but that never seemed like my daughter's business. She said that I should not have made certain purchases, and that if I were not able to taker her repayment deal I should not have agreed. Now I have only $6k left, no job, so now I need her to pay me back faster. How can I ask her to double her monthly payments? She claims she cannot take a personal loan to give it to me in one lump sum.
Your daughter. You have a contract, and she's honoring her end of the deal. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on hers.
And honestly, if you have no job and only $6,000 to your name, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Even if your daughter could give you all the money back in one payment, how long would it last you? A month? Two weeks? You've already demonstrated that you're not good at handling money, and asking your daughter to go into further debt to bail you out is just plain selfish.
Go get a job. Plenty of retail stores are hiring for the holiday season. Use the money you earn to pay for necessities (food and shelter). Take whatever's left over and SAVE IT. Then, take the $1-200 per month that your daughter is paying you back and SAVE IT.
Then maybe, just maybe, the next time you find yourself in a similar situation you'll be able to take care of yourself.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Shenanigans!
Ann writes:
I loaned my car to my daughter for a work event she was attending. Her car was in the shop, and I offered to let her use mine because it was for an important meeting and this way she didn't have to rent a car. She was reimbursed for mileage and gas. Well, she was the driver for herself and 3 other larger ladies. I have an older car, and it seems that the weight of the 3 women plus my daughter caused the transmission to drop out from underneath. This didn't happen until I drove out from my driveway into the street the next day, My daughter said she didn't have any problems with the car.
Well, I called her company and spoke to her supervisor to tell them I feel they should reimburse me for the $140 in damages it cost to fix the dropped transmission, and they said they are not liable for what happened to my car after she returned from the meeting. My daughter is upset that I would go behind her back and contact her boss, but I did not do this to my car. She said she'd pay me half of what it cost to fix the problem, but I think her company should pay. Who's right??
Well. First of all, let me answer the question. If someone damages property that they have borrowed, they should of course offer reimbursement to repair said property or to buy a new item. It would be up to your daughter to take that reimbursement up with her boss, since she incurred the expense during a work event.
Likewise, the company has every right to deny the claim, considering any damage happened after your daughter returned the car. You shouldn't have been making the claim in the first place, and you shouldn't be upset that the company claims zero liability.
But I have to call shenanigans on the technical part of your letter. Your transmission dropped what? A gear? Out of the car? Either way, it would cost a hell of a lot more than $140 to fix any part of a transmission (except maybe a general flush and re-lube). And I don't really see any way for the weight of four people who - and yes, I'm assuming here, but I think it's a sound assumption - fit in the vehicle to make it so heavy that the transmission would fail to operate properly over the course of one day.
More likely, your transmission was failing before you ever loaned the car. I don't know if your mechanic was trying to wiggle out of failing to notice a problem at your last scheduled service, or if you made this story fit together out of a mangled understanding of physics and what was actual wrong with your vehicle, but there's just no way your daughter's coworkers caused this problem.
So, ultimately, no one owes you any money - and you probably owe your daughter an apology.
I loaned my car to my daughter for a work event she was attending. Her car was in the shop, and I offered to let her use mine because it was for an important meeting and this way she didn't have to rent a car. She was reimbursed for mileage and gas. Well, she was the driver for herself and 3 other larger ladies. I have an older car, and it seems that the weight of the 3 women plus my daughter caused the transmission to drop out from underneath. This didn't happen until I drove out from my driveway into the street the next day, My daughter said she didn't have any problems with the car.
Well, I called her company and spoke to her supervisor to tell them I feel they should reimburse me for the $140 in damages it cost to fix the dropped transmission, and they said they are not liable for what happened to my car after she returned from the meeting. My daughter is upset that I would go behind her back and contact her boss, but I did not do this to my car. She said she'd pay me half of what it cost to fix the problem, but I think her company should pay. Who's right??
Well. First of all, let me answer the question. If someone damages property that they have borrowed, they should of course offer reimbursement to repair said property or to buy a new item. It would be up to your daughter to take that reimbursement up with her boss, since she incurred the expense during a work event.
Likewise, the company has every right to deny the claim, considering any damage happened after your daughter returned the car. You shouldn't have been making the claim in the first place, and you shouldn't be upset that the company claims zero liability.
But I have to call shenanigans on the technical part of your letter. Your transmission dropped what? A gear? Out of the car? Either way, it would cost a hell of a lot more than $140 to fix any part of a transmission (except maybe a general flush and re-lube). And I don't really see any way for the weight of four people who - and yes, I'm assuming here, but I think it's a sound assumption - fit in the vehicle to make it so heavy that the transmission would fail to operate properly over the course of one day.
More likely, your transmission was failing before you ever loaned the car. I don't know if your mechanic was trying to wiggle out of failing to notice a problem at your last scheduled service, or if you made this story fit together out of a mangled understanding of physics and what was actual wrong with your vehicle, but there's just no way your daughter's coworkers caused this problem.
So, ultimately, no one owes you any money - and you probably owe your daughter an apology.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Apartment Living
Annie asks:
Hey there! I just moved into my first apartment after college. It's great! But I think i have a slumlord landlord and need advice. First, the toilet starated to leak a week after I moved in, and the landlord had a plumber to fix it that day. Then I told him that the drain was moving slow in the sink when I brushed my teeth, and he bought Drano to "fix" the clog. It works fine now, but still drains a little slow and the landlord said it is because the sink is small it's only 18 inches and a small bowl, and that once the water is turned off from the faucets that the water actually goes down the drain just fine. I don't know why the plumber could not come back, but whatever, I guess the landlord didn't believe me? So then I called back a week later to let him know that the tub drain was also moving slow, and water was draining slowly when I finished my shower. And he said to try using the rest of the bottle of drano to see if it unclogs. I have not used the drano yet because I called a plumber on my own to ask advice and the plumber told me never to use harsh chemicals on drains because they corrode pipes. So I have not used the Drano. Should I call a lawyer to get them to write a letter to the landlord demanding he call a plumber to fix my broken tub? I thought that landlords are supposed to fix problems that tenants have, and I should not have to keep asking him to call plumbers for faulty bathroom pipes, right? Do you think this is grounds to get my security deposit back and move out?
Of course the plumber is going to tell you not to use Draino. He gets paid more if he has to come in, right? According to ask the builder, it would take years of active Draino use to corrode your pipes to the point of damage. I'm sure you're not planning to rent this place for the rest of your life.
Also understand that different homes have different quirks. If you're thinking of moving out over this you're in for a rude awakening when your next apartment has a creaky stair, and the one after that has a flickering lightbulb, and the one after that has a draft near the windows. You can't expect the plumbing to work perfectly all the time. Your landlord is not a slumlord for choosing effective DIY fixes over hiring professionals for every little problem.
Hey there! I just moved into my first apartment after college. It's great! But I think i have a slumlord landlord and need advice. First, the toilet starated to leak a week after I moved in, and the landlord had a plumber to fix it that day. Then I told him that the drain was moving slow in the sink when I brushed my teeth, and he bought Drano to "fix" the clog. It works fine now, but still drains a little slow and the landlord said it is because the sink is small it's only 18 inches and a small bowl, and that once the water is turned off from the faucets that the water actually goes down the drain just fine. I don't know why the plumber could not come back, but whatever, I guess the landlord didn't believe me? So then I called back a week later to let him know that the tub drain was also moving slow, and water was draining slowly when I finished my shower. And he said to try using the rest of the bottle of drano to see if it unclogs. I have not used the drano yet because I called a plumber on my own to ask advice and the plumber told me never to use harsh chemicals on drains because they corrode pipes. So I have not used the Drano. Should I call a lawyer to get them to write a letter to the landlord demanding he call a plumber to fix my broken tub? I thought that landlords are supposed to fix problems that tenants have, and I should not have to keep asking him to call plumbers for faulty bathroom pipes, right? Do you think this is grounds to get my security deposit back and move out?
Of course the plumber is going to tell you not to use Draino. He gets paid more if he has to come in, right? According to ask the builder, it would take years of active Draino use to corrode your pipes to the point of damage. I'm sure you're not planning to rent this place for the rest of your life.
Also understand that different homes have different quirks. If you're thinking of moving out over this you're in for a rude awakening when your next apartment has a creaky stair, and the one after that has a flickering lightbulb, and the one after that has a draft near the windows. You can't expect the plumbing to work perfectly all the time. Your landlord is not a slumlord for choosing effective DIY fixes over hiring professionals for every little problem.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Let Me Guess, You Can Quit at Any Time?
Shalon asks:
i keep a bottle of water in my drawer at work, but instead of water it's filled with vodka. I like to have a nip or two throughout the day, and often will add it to my lunchtime Hi-C fruit punch for a little bonus kick. I think one coworker smelled it on my breath recently because she asked me if I had anything to add to her drink because she had a snapple peach tea, but i told her NO. I think she sees me taking random sips from my desk water bottle and grew curious and now thinks I am the office bartender or something. Is there a more discrete way to keep my "water" bottle to myself?
You're an alcoholic. Either that or you're in high school. Really, you keep your booze in a water bottle and mix it with Hi-C?
I don't generally have a problem with drinking at the office. Occasionally grabbing a beer at lunch with friends or celebrating a new contract with champagne is perfectly acceptable. The difference between these examples and your situation is that you're drinking alone, and you're ashamed enough to make pathetic attempts at hiding it.
It's quite possible that your co-worker asked you to share not because she wanted a drink, but because she wanted to discreetly let you know that you're not fooling anyone. If you want to keep your "water" bottle to yourself, leave it at home. If you can't do that, seek the help of a professional.
i keep a bottle of water in my drawer at work, but instead of water it's filled with vodka. I like to have a nip or two throughout the day, and often will add it to my lunchtime Hi-C fruit punch for a little bonus kick. I think one coworker smelled it on my breath recently because she asked me if I had anything to add to her drink because she had a snapple peach tea, but i told her NO. I think she sees me taking random sips from my desk water bottle and grew curious and now thinks I am the office bartender or something. Is there a more discrete way to keep my "water" bottle to myself?
You're an alcoholic. Either that or you're in high school. Really, you keep your booze in a water bottle and mix it with Hi-C?
I don't generally have a problem with drinking at the office. Occasionally grabbing a beer at lunch with friends or celebrating a new contract with champagne is perfectly acceptable. The difference between these examples and your situation is that you're drinking alone, and you're ashamed enough to make pathetic attempts at hiding it.
It's quite possible that your co-worker asked you to share not because she wanted a drink, but because she wanted to discreetly let you know that you're not fooling anyone. If you want to keep your "water" bottle to yourself, leave it at home. If you can't do that, seek the help of a professional.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wow. How Do You Treat Your Enemies?
Stella asks:
We were supposed to go to a friend's wedding, but decided not to. We had already sent back the RSVP with a YES reply, and my husband and myself chose the dinners we wanted to have. We did not call, we just stayed home and did other things that night. They are old friends and live about 2 hours away, so they should understand if we were not able to make the drive. Should we send a gift? Do you think $25 is a fair amount to spend?
If you're invited to a wedding, it's customary to send a gift whether you attend or not. So the answer to your first question is yes. As far as the amount, you should spend as much as you feel comfortable with given your budget and your level of friendship with this person. If that amount is $25, then that's what you send.
However, I will say that in this situation, $25 seems a paltry sum. It was incredibly, incredibly rude of you to not show up--without explanation--after RSVPing "yes." No, your friends should not understand that you "were not able to make the drive," because you weren't unable, you just "decided not to."
Being married yourself, you should know that your selfish behavior cost them a pretty penny in uneaten meals and unused chairs, dinnerware etc. While I normally rail against the "rule" that a wedding gift should cover the cost of your plate, I think in this case you should at least try to make it up to them.
More than a gift, I think you owe this couple a sincere apology for your blatant disregard for etiquette.
We were supposed to go to a friend's wedding, but decided not to. We had already sent back the RSVP with a YES reply, and my husband and myself chose the dinners we wanted to have. We did not call, we just stayed home and did other things that night. They are old friends and live about 2 hours away, so they should understand if we were not able to make the drive. Should we send a gift? Do you think $25 is a fair amount to spend?
If you're invited to a wedding, it's customary to send a gift whether you attend or not. So the answer to your first question is yes. As far as the amount, you should spend as much as you feel comfortable with given your budget and your level of friendship with this person. If that amount is $25, then that's what you send.
However, I will say that in this situation, $25 seems a paltry sum. It was incredibly, incredibly rude of you to not show up--without explanation--after RSVPing "yes." No, your friends should not understand that you "were not able to make the drive," because you weren't unable, you just "decided not to."
Being married yourself, you should know that your selfish behavior cost them a pretty penny in uneaten meals and unused chairs, dinnerware etc. While I normally rail against the "rule" that a wedding gift should cover the cost of your plate, I think in this case you should at least try to make it up to them.
More than a gift, I think you owe this couple a sincere apology for your blatant disregard for etiquette.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.
Lucie writes:
I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen?
Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!
So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.
Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal.
Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.
And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day.
Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.
I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen?
Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!
So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.
Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal.
Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.
And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day.
Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
That's Okay, I Didn't Like Snacks at the Movies, Anyway.
Alvina writes:
My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.
No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on.
If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home.
My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.
No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on.
If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
How About That Sense Of Entitlement?
Annry asks:
I recently bought a dress on Ebay from a local bridal shop who seemed to be selling dresses at a low low price. The dress I wanted retails for $2500, but I bought it online for only $750 and transfered my money from my bank account, shipping was free with the buy it now option. They said the dress would arrive in 3 weeks, but then 6 weeks came and went and they did not reply to my emails. I decided it was time to go to the store in person and they had no record of my dress. What is worse is, they also said they do not sell discounted dresses on Ebay and there is nothing they can do because apparently someone took the name of their store without permission and is claiming to sell dresses! It's a scam and they had other brides come in who had done the same thing. I was furious, and felt that they should still honor the order I placed because it was in their company's name! They said they can offer me a discount if I wanted to order the dress I wanted, but then I'd actually pay more for the dress because of the original price of $750 I already paid. How do I get the store to honor this agreement and just order me the dress I want???
Why do you think the store owes you anything? They never made an agreement with you, some anonymous scammer on the internet did. Having their name used illegally does not make them responsible for the sale.
It sounds like you just learned an expensive lesson in how to do business on eBay. Never, ever bid on a big ticket item without doing your research. And I'm not just talking about looking at the seller's rating. Read the feedback, look at the sale history, contact the seller.
You know the old saying, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"? Did you wonder why a local store would sell dresses online for a third of what they sold for in store? Did you call the store to confirm the sale?
The bottom line here is that you were careless. It sucks to get scammed, and I'm sorry it happened to you, but it's absolutely not up to the store to take take the financial hit for your mistake.
It's time to start focusing your efforts on more constructive ways to fix this problem. First, report the scam to eBay. They can't catch everyone, but obviously it's in their best interest as a company to keep scammers off the site. Also, depending on your payment method, you may be able to get at least a partial refund. PayPal offers some limited scam protection, or your credit card company may have a way to reverse the sale. So contact them and see what you can do about getting your money back.
I recently bought a dress on Ebay from a local bridal shop who seemed to be selling dresses at a low low price. The dress I wanted retails for $2500, but I bought it online for only $750 and transfered my money from my bank account, shipping was free with the buy it now option. They said the dress would arrive in 3 weeks, but then 6 weeks came and went and they did not reply to my emails. I decided it was time to go to the store in person and they had no record of my dress. What is worse is, they also said they do not sell discounted dresses on Ebay and there is nothing they can do because apparently someone took the name of their store without permission and is claiming to sell dresses! It's a scam and they had other brides come in who had done the same thing. I was furious, and felt that they should still honor the order I placed because it was in their company's name! They said they can offer me a discount if I wanted to order the dress I wanted, but then I'd actually pay more for the dress because of the original price of $750 I already paid. How do I get the store to honor this agreement and just order me the dress I want???
Why do you think the store owes you anything? They never made an agreement with you, some anonymous scammer on the internet did. Having their name used illegally does not make them responsible for the sale.
It sounds like you just learned an expensive lesson in how to do business on eBay. Never, ever bid on a big ticket item without doing your research. And I'm not just talking about looking at the seller's rating. Read the feedback, look at the sale history, contact the seller.
You know the old saying, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"? Did you wonder why a local store would sell dresses online for a third of what they sold for in store? Did you call the store to confirm the sale?
The bottom line here is that you were careless. It sucks to get scammed, and I'm sorry it happened to you, but it's absolutely not up to the store to take take the financial hit for your mistake.
It's time to start focusing your efforts on more constructive ways to fix this problem. First, report the scam to eBay. They can't catch everyone, but obviously it's in their best interest as a company to keep scammers off the site. Also, depending on your payment method, you may be able to get at least a partial refund. PayPal offers some limited scam protection, or your credit card company may have a way to reverse the sale. So contact them and see what you can do about getting your money back.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
You Mean Living in a Society Means I Have To Deal With People?
Elsa asks:
Why do people with large strollers think that everyone around them has to move out of their way, wait for them to decide to walk, and hold doors when we might be in more of a hurry? Maybe manufacturers should include owner instructions for people who don't realize that the large SUV sized strollers are an inconvenience, and it's not only them walking the streets needing to go places.
I grant you that it's annoying when people take up an entire walkway and either walk slowly or just stop. But I'm not on board with the stroller hate.
There's a nice double standard here, where you don't want to be inconvenienced by people with children, and yet you expect them to inconvenience themselves for you? I'm sure everyone would love to pay a babysitter every time they need to run to the store for a gallon of milk. And the mom who's pushing 30 pounds of baby, stroller, baby gear, and shopping bags should be happy to take a minute and a half to struggle through a heavy door when it would have taken you 5 seconds to hold it for her.
Jesus be some common courtesy. You get out of this world exactly what you put into it. If you want to have a bad attitude, go ahead. Sneer at and slam doors on new moms. Let us know where that gets you. You might find that when you start treating people with charity and respect you'll be met with genuine appreciation and kindness. Maybe then you won't get so unduly angered by stupid things.
Why do people with large strollers think that everyone around them has to move out of their way, wait for them to decide to walk, and hold doors when we might be in more of a hurry? Maybe manufacturers should include owner instructions for people who don't realize that the large SUV sized strollers are an inconvenience, and it's not only them walking the streets needing to go places.
I grant you that it's annoying when people take up an entire walkway and either walk slowly or just stop. But I'm not on board with the stroller hate.
There's a nice double standard here, where you don't want to be inconvenienced by people with children, and yet you expect them to inconvenience themselves for you? I'm sure everyone would love to pay a babysitter every time they need to run to the store for a gallon of milk. And the mom who's pushing 30 pounds of baby, stroller, baby gear, and shopping bags should be happy to take a minute and a half to struggle through a heavy door when it would have taken you 5 seconds to hold it for her.
Jesus be some common courtesy. You get out of this world exactly what you put into it. If you want to have a bad attitude, go ahead. Sneer at and slam doors on new moms. Let us know where that gets you. You might find that when you start treating people with charity and respect you'll be met with genuine appreciation and kindness. Maybe then you won't get so unduly angered by stupid things.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Why Wouldn't She Want To Clean Up After Someone As Sweet As You?
Nestor writes:
My wife is so lazy. We share house chores and I end up doing the majority of the stuff like laundry and garbage and dishes. She does some things also and we both work full time, but she took a week off from work just to take vacation days and ended up spending the week watching TV and filling out crossword puzzles. I would have preferred that she used her vacation for a trip we want to take rather than sit on her butt all week and do nothing. And then I get home from a long day of work and the dishes have piled up in the sink and the garbage is full and smells. I can understand wanting to rest, but how can I get her to see that she needs to at least clean up after herself like an adult? I am about to stay with my parents to show her that she needs to learn how to take care of the house just like I do.
So, just out of curiosity, who is cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, paying the bills, mowing the lawn...you get my drift. Is it possible that you're so preoccupied by moaning about the chores you hate that you're losing sight of the things your wife does do?
Have you tried discussing your current division of labor and reassigning chores so you don't feel like you're stuck with all the bad ones? Your suggested solution of moving out before you talk like adults leads me to believe that you're not as right as you think you are.
The vacation issue is another situation where you need to use your words. Does your wife know you'd like to go on a trip? Have you actively discussed saving and planning for it, or do you just talk about it in abstract terms? Many companies have "use or lose" vacation policies, or perhaps her job is just stressful and she wanted a break. You can hardly blame her if she didn't know you had other plans for her time.
Sit down and have a mature conversation. Check the demeaning attitude at the door. Calling her lazy and telling her she doesn't contribute aren't going to inspire a helpful attitude. Start with "Hey, you know I really hate doing the dishes. How about we swap and I'll cook this week if you clean?" Maybe go on to say, "You know how we keep talking about going to Cancun? Let's figure out when we'll have the vacation time and the money and talk to a travel agent." Not so hard, is it?
My wife is so lazy. We share house chores and I end up doing the majority of the stuff like laundry and garbage and dishes. She does some things also and we both work full time, but she took a week off from work just to take vacation days and ended up spending the week watching TV and filling out crossword puzzles. I would have preferred that she used her vacation for a trip we want to take rather than sit on her butt all week and do nothing. And then I get home from a long day of work and the dishes have piled up in the sink and the garbage is full and smells. I can understand wanting to rest, but how can I get her to see that she needs to at least clean up after herself like an adult? I am about to stay with my parents to show her that she needs to learn how to take care of the house just like I do.
So, just out of curiosity, who is cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, paying the bills, mowing the lawn...you get my drift. Is it possible that you're so preoccupied by moaning about the chores you hate that you're losing sight of the things your wife does do?
Have you tried discussing your current division of labor and reassigning chores so you don't feel like you're stuck with all the bad ones? Your suggested solution of moving out before you talk like adults leads me to believe that you're not as right as you think you are.
The vacation issue is another situation where you need to use your words. Does your wife know you'd like to go on a trip? Have you actively discussed saving and planning for it, or do you just talk about it in abstract terms? Many companies have "use or lose" vacation policies, or perhaps her job is just stressful and she wanted a break. You can hardly blame her if she didn't know you had other plans for her time.
Sit down and have a mature conversation. Check the demeaning attitude at the door. Calling her lazy and telling her she doesn't contribute aren't going to inspire a helpful attitude. Start with "Hey, you know I really hate doing the dishes. How about we swap and I'll cook this week if you clean?" Maybe go on to say, "You know how we keep talking about going to Cancun? Let's figure out when we'll have the vacation time and the money and talk to a travel agent." Not so hard, is it?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday Quickies!
Befuddled and Broke writes:
A friend asked me to organize a baby shower for her. My home isn't big enough to host the party, and I can't afford to host it in a restaurant. I discussed this with other friends who will be attending and the decision has been made to hold a no-host baby brunch where guests will be expected to pay for their own meal. If it is rude to ask guests to pay for their own meal and bring a gift, can I just ask them to lunch and then because it is in honor of the soon-to-arrive baby, people may use this as an opportunity to bring the mom a gift...or not? In other words, I won't call it a shower and won't list registry information. How should I word the invitation?
You shouldn't. You aren't hosting anything, so there's no reason to have invitations. If you want to organize a get-together at a restaurant, do so by phoning or emailing people. And make sure you tell them this is not a party, and there will be no host.
Be prepared, however, for your friend not to be very happy. She's grabby enough to ask someone for a shower, she'll be grabby enough to be disappointed that you refuse to be rude in order to give her one.
# # #
Jess asks:
My birthday has always been on a Friday but this year it is on Thursday. Why? Is this a leap year or something?
Wait, what? Your birthday has always been on a Friday? That's impossible. No single date stays fixed on a particular day of the week from year to year. From Wikipedia: "Not counting leap years, any calendar date will move to the next day of the week the following year."
So, yeah. I think you have larger problems than what day of the week your birthday falls on this year. Maybe you should have those looked at.
# # #
Nicole asks:
My husband likes the way smooth legs feel, so not only does he encourage me to shave my legs twice a day, he has also started to shave his own legs along with his underarms. He'll sit there while we watch TV and rub lotion along his own legs. Is this a sign that he might be gay?
No.
Honestly, I feel like we get an "Is he gay?" question once a week. And none of them involve the husband never having sex with the wife, or the wife finding him with his dick up some guy's ass.
The guy likes smooth skin. I honestly can't even imagine what random connection in your head links "smooth skin" and "gay", but whatever, he's not. At least, not based on your letter.
I highly recommend that you, and anyone who's been thinking of posting a letter like this, educate yourself about what homosexuality is. An organization like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) can give you the information you need, or point you in the direction of a reputable sex educator.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I Fear For Future Generations
Kitti writes:
Dear advice ppl,
I am having a 3rd baby. My other 2 r boys, but this one is a grl. I sent out baby shower invitations cuz I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and dont got no grl stuff.
My sis called an said it's wrong 2 have a baby shower 4 a 3rd baby, but it's a grl an I dont got no grl stuff.
How do I tell her to butt out?
Sorry, Kitti, your sister is right. It's only appropriate to have a baby shower for your first child, and it's never appropriate to throw your own shower. You're on your own for "grl stuff." Lucky for you, the big ticket items like car seats and high chairs aren't gender specific, and I'm sure you'll find that a lot of your sons' baby clothes are fairly gender neutral.
There are a few people in your life who should be close enough to kindly let you know when your behavior breaches etiquette. Siblings and parents are generally on that list; your sister was just trying to help you out.
Dear advice ppl,
I am having a 3rd baby. My other 2 r boys, but this one is a grl. I sent out baby shower invitations cuz I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and dont got no grl stuff.
My sis called an said it's wrong 2 have a baby shower 4 a 3rd baby, but it's a grl an I dont got no grl stuff.
How do I tell her to butt out?
Sorry, Kitti, your sister is right. It's only appropriate to have a baby shower for your first child, and it's never appropriate to throw your own shower. You're on your own for "grl stuff." Lucky for you, the big ticket items like car seats and high chairs aren't gender specific, and I'm sure you'll find that a lot of your sons' baby clothes are fairly gender neutral.
There are a few people in your life who should be close enough to kindly let you know when your behavior breaches etiquette. Siblings and parents are generally on that list; your sister was just trying to help you out.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Thursday Quickies - Prize at the End!
Sherrie asks:
Does it matter if you leave the lumps in boxed cake mix or is it better to sift it before making a cake from a box mix?
In general, mixing the dry cake mix with the eggs and oil tends to take care of any stray lumps. If you want to make extra-sure you won't have weird spots in the finished cake, it can't hurt to sift the mix.
# # #
Callie writes:
I like to collect pocket knives and often bring them to work to cut up my fruit, usually my oranges. Plastic knives will not do the job. Sometimes it scares the people because it's considered a "weapon" but I have not used it nor have I tried to use it as a weapon per se. Only to cut the fruit, and that is while sitting at the table in the cafeteria during my regularly scheduled lunch hour.
As long as your workplace doesn't have a specific policy prohibiting weapons - including pocketknives - I don't see anything wrong with using yours as they were intended. Are you especially cruel to coworkers? I mean, they don't have a reason to think you might use a harmless Swiss Army job to eviscerate them, do they? You might need an attitude adjustment if they're afraid of you, but if they're just averse to any sort of implement that might possibly one day if circumstances were good be involved in violence, well, they need to man up.
# # #
Just Curious asks:
I think one of the managers here used to be a man but is now a woman. Of course I cannot ask. But I want to know how I can confirm my suspicions?
You can't. This is absolutely none of your business, end of story. And I won't dignify such rudeness by expounding further.
# # #
And an update from our favorite correspondent, Hater!
I wanted to update you on my sister and her boyfriend. She found out the boyfriend was talking to other girls and telling them he was not in a relationship, so she broke up with him. They are 16 and she is devastated. In the end I am glad they broke up, it's a life experience everyone probably goes through but I knew he was not great for her. So she is doing good and starting to hang out with her friends more than she was before even thought a few stopped talking to her because she had been spending all her time with this guy. But you live and learn. AND yeah hahaha, tell me if I'm jealous now. Teen relationships mostly don't last, but you can keep telling me I just never had a boyfriend and I am just jealous. Please. What great advice you people give. You have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, Hater, we missed you. Don't be gone so long next time, okay?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Oh, I Was Supposed to Keep Those Vows?
Name Withheld writes:
I cheated on my husband and now I am pregnant, and I am not sure if there is a chance it may not be his, we weren't even trying for a baby! How do I break the news, he's so happy for a new baby? The two guys look alike so I may be able to keep this to myself for a while, right?
If you want to save your marriage, shut your mouth.
Yes, that's right. Don't say a damn thing. Your husband is excited about this child; he wants to be a loving, functional family. You don't know that it's the other man's baby, and it might not be, so stop the affair and shut up. The only thing you'll accomplish by confessing is breaking up your family and spreading the guilt around. It won't make your husband's life better. (It might make the baby's life better, but that's only if you do the right thing and give it up for adoption instead of raising it by yourself.)
And then solve the problems that led you to cheat in the first place. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, that those problems are fixable. If you're just a terrible human being who cheats for fun, then yes, you should tell your husband - right before you divorce him and give the baby up for adoption. If you're the most important thing in your world, there is no room for husband or child, and you do them both a disservice to pretend you care when you don't.
I hope you shape the fuck up after this. I really hope you do what's best for that child. I have to say, I'm not holding my breath on either count, so I'll end with this: Invest in a box of fucking condoms.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Enough About MIL: Let's Talk About You
Len writes:
How to deal with an intolerable mother in law? I know some can suck, but then there is mine and she sucks so bad that I sometimes wonder if my wife is going to turn into this monster of a beast. She comes over whenever she wants and my wife apologizes, but never tells her mother to announce herself so we can tell her if it's a good time. Then she comes in and my wife gets mad when I retreat to my den to hang out on the computer because she thinks I am not being social, and her mother complains that i am so rude. But I play it off, saying I am letting them have a private visit together! Why would she want to see me anyway? Whenever I am in her company she tells me what she doesn't like about how I look that day or how I can dress better if I go to the higher end stores. And it's my house, so if I like to keep my overflow of pots and pans in the stove (I do the majority of cooking), that is my business, right? It's not like the place is a mess. WHAT to do?
Well, I assume your wife was close to her mother before she married you, yes? I mean, this can't be news, that MIL wants to visit, and Mrs. Len wants to let her. This is not a MIL problem, Len - this is a you-and-your-wife problem.
First of all, the impression you paint in your letter is of someone who hates his MIL, is rude to her, and keeps a dirty house. People generally try to make themselves look good when describing their problems, Len, and if this is the best you can do, I really have to doubt that your MIL is the "monster of a beast" that you describe. She sounds like someone who thinks dropping in is perfectly OK, and who responds to rudeness with rudeness. Certainly, she's not perfect - no one is - but I think you have to look at your own behavior before you start pointing fingers.
Have you discussed that you don't like drop-ins with your wife? If her mother thinks dropping-in is fine, chances are, she does, too. If you don't tell you wife that you would prefer if she tell her mother to call first, you can't be angry when she doesn't. And don't tell me that she knows it's wrong because she apologizes: if my husband stormed off without even trading chit-chat with a visitor, my instinct would be to apologize, as well, if only to soften the blow of the chewing-out I'd give next.
Which brings me to my next point: You're rude to your MIL. No, you're not "letting them have a private visit". You're ignoring a guest in your home, to the point where both the guest and your wife have called you on it. This woman is part of your extended family. If you can't stand to chit-chat for ten or fifteen minutes, why did you marry your wife? Did you think that somehow she'd just drop her family when she married you? No. You agreed to be, at the very minimum, polite to her relatives when you said "I do". That doesn't change because you're disgruntled.
Is MIL wrong to criticize your clothing? Perhaps. Then again, I'm not in the room when she does it, and what you hear as criticism may simply be her saying, "Macy's is having a great sale on men's shirts this weekend. You should check it out." Given your description of "pans in the stove", I doubt your sartorial choices are even clean, let alone fashionable.
In this situation, you have to give a little to get a little. Clean your house, put on a good shirt, and be nice. You might be surprised at how far that'll get you, Len. If it doesn't get you anywhere at all, go ahead and fire us off another letter: we'll be happy to provide more help.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Yes, Technically, You're Correct....
Vanessa writes:
How do I deal with a husband who resorts to name calling when he is mad? He says he doesn't mean it, but then don't say something you don't mean. For example, just yesterday he was upset with himself for forgetting his wallet at home. Instead of breathing it out and realizing it wasn't a big deal (and I could bring it to him) he immediately started to get mad and tell me I treat him like crap. I did not even bother bringing his wallet.
Then that night, he was complaining that he stubbed his toe and it hurt, so I told him there's nothing he could do about it so put a band aid on it, and he then gave me the finger and told me he wanted a divorce because of how badly I treat him. I asked him why he was so angry, and he said I always treat him bad. I asked for an example, and he said that I could have offered to make him coffee after his long day yesterday, but I didn't. So now I am not speaking to him because he needs space and I need to figure out what I want to say next. Asshole. Any
words o wisdom? I also printed out some therapist recommendations for him because the way he expresses his anger is unacceptable to me. When he tries to call me or speak to me today, I plan to give it to him.
words o wisdom? I also printed out some therapist recommendations for him because the way he expresses his anger is unacceptable to me. When he tries to call me or speak to me today, I plan to give it to him.
I'm glad you've already considered therapy, because you both need it. Yes. Both of you.
Name-calling and excessive anger over little things are not good behaviors, obviously. But neither is brushing off his pain (yes, even for a stubbed toe, a little empathy goes a long way) or giving him the silent treatment. You both need to learn to express all emotions to each other in more constructive ways, and you need to learn to fight fair.
At this point, you both deserve each other. But I don't think either of you wants to live this way for the next 50 years, and if you don't solve this problem and just divorce, you'll both repeat the pattern with your next partners. This kind of childish inability to express yourselves needs to be nipped in the bud, and quick.
I think a combination of couples' counseling and individual sessions should do the trick, as well as perhaps working through some self-help exercises. Peruse the "marriage" section of your local bookstore, and I'm sure you'll find some tools to help you immediately.
Good luck!
Friday, June 11, 2010
I Can't Imagine Why She Doesn't Like You
Shaherezade (sic) writes:
My mother in law to be is a real bitcheroo. I don't her (sic) name permanently embalzoned (sic) on my fancy wedding invitations, especially because she is so mean and purposely not giving us money for the wedding because she specifically told my fiancee that if he were marrying someone else she'd have no problem giving us some cash. We didn't even ask her for her money! So hopefully she'll be dead soon, and then I won't have to see her face with the hairy chin mole. But she keeps insiting (sic) on having her name on our invitation and my fiancee (sic) is trying to convince me this is the right thing to do because MY parent's (sic) are on it. WELL, my parents have helped secure really good deals with all of our vendors and also offered to pay for the invitation we choose! I cannot murder this woman, so how do we get her off our backs???
Okay, technically--technically--you are right not to include your future mother-in-law's name on the invitation. Etiquette dictates that the hosts of the wedding are named on the invitation. Traditionally, the hosts are the bride's parents. So, formal, traditional wedding invitations typically will not list the groom's parents.
However, you need to seriously check your attitude. Calling her names and wishing her dead are things that a horrible, spoiled child would do. Your concern here has nothing to do with etiquette and everything to do with wanting to punish this woman for not giving you money. When I feel your motivations are wrong, I tend to side with the other party. It won't kill you to put her name on the invitation, and since your parents aren't actually hosting the wedding they have little more right to be named than she does. Suck it up and stop being a bitch. Right now you have the choice to be the bigger person and make peace with your new family, or secure your position as the hated daughter in law. Why would you have any interest in the latter? Grow up.
If I were your future mother-in-law I wouldn't be supporting my son's decision to marry you either. Does your future husband know how much you hate his mother? You might want to show him this little missive before he makes the mistake of walking down the aisle with you. I personally would have zero interest in joining my life permanently to someone whose family I could not stand, nor would I want to marry someone who spoke so hatefully of my family.
My mother in law to be is a real bitcheroo. I don't her (sic) name permanently embalzoned (sic) on my fancy wedding invitations, especially because she is so mean and purposely not giving us money for the wedding because she specifically told my fiancee that if he were marrying someone else she'd have no problem giving us some cash. We didn't even ask her for her money! So hopefully she'll be dead soon, and then I won't have to see her face with the hairy chin mole. But she keeps insiting (sic) on having her name on our invitation and my fiancee (sic) is trying to convince me this is the right thing to do because MY parent's (sic) are on it. WELL, my parents have helped secure really good deals with all of our vendors and also offered to pay for the invitation we choose! I cannot murder this woman, so how do we get her off our backs???
Okay, technically--technically--you are right not to include your future mother-in-law's name on the invitation. Etiquette dictates that the hosts of the wedding are named on the invitation. Traditionally, the hosts are the bride's parents. So, formal, traditional wedding invitations typically will not list the groom's parents.
However, you need to seriously check your attitude. Calling her names and wishing her dead are things that a horrible, spoiled child would do. Your concern here has nothing to do with etiquette and everything to do with wanting to punish this woman for not giving you money. When I feel your motivations are wrong, I tend to side with the other party. It won't kill you to put her name on the invitation, and since your parents aren't actually hosting the wedding they have little more right to be named than she does. Suck it up and stop being a bitch. Right now you have the choice to be the bigger person and make peace with your new family, or secure your position as the hated daughter in law. Why would you have any interest in the latter? Grow up.
If I were your future mother-in-law I wouldn't be supporting my son's decision to marry you either. Does your future husband know how much you hate his mother? You might want to show him this little missive before he makes the mistake of walking down the aisle with you. I personally would have zero interest in joining my life permanently to someone whose family I could not stand, nor would I want to marry someone who spoke so hatefully of my family.
I Wonder Why He Doesn't Hang Out With You?
The oh-so-aptly-named Hater sends us this delightful missive:
My kid sister is 15, has a boyfriend. She promised it wouldn't interfere with her schoolwork, and so far it hasn't. But I think things are too serious, because he's over the house EVERY DAY. They go to different schools, and he's going awy this summer for 2 months anyway, but still. I think it's too much at her age, and she should not be with this kid every single day. She should be with her friends doing the things 15 year olds do! And don't say that "15 year old girls do their boyfriends"...It's not funny! So anyway, how do I tell her she needs to spend a few days during the week apart? Also, it's not fair on my parents to feed this kid 7 days out of the week for dinner. He has a troubled home life and I don't think it's right that he's getting attached.
Are you your sister's legal guardian? Oh - no, I see you're not. So to answer the question you asked - "How do I tell her she needs to spend a few days...apart?" - You don't. You're not her mother or her father. You're not in charge of her, and unless she asks you for advice - which you never mention she's done - you keep your mouth shut.
And now to the question you didn't ask: How do you encourage her to be kind to this boy even after they break up? He obviously craves a stable family situation, and your sister and your parents can offer that to him. You may not think it's right that he's reaching out for any life-raft in the storm that is his "troubled home life", but that just makes you a bitch. This kid needs some sort of positive, loving influence, and your family offers that to him. Is he taking something away from you by being cared for this way? No? Then shut the fuck up. "It's not fair on my parents to feed this kid" - It's not fair for him to have shitty parents!
This kid needs your family. It's not simply about dating your sister, though that's what brought him into their lives. Your family is providing him something he doesn't get at home - and frankly, seeing how you turned out, I can't imagine what kind of a horror show his family must be that yours is better, because it's not like they raised you to be a decent, kind, loving human being. Aside from the fact that 15-year-olds have pretty intense focus and attachment to objects of desire, this kid is using your parents as surrogates, and I think that he should be encouraged in that. As miserably as they failed with you, if they're better than his own parents, he should be allowed to hang out as much as he needs.
Grow up. Recognize someone else's needs. If you really want to get this kid away from your sister (for no clear reason that you've articulated, by the way), why don't you find him a Big Brother instead of whining about it?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
It's Not Your Party, But You Can Whine If You Want To
Jibba Jabba writes:
How do I tell mom I don't want her to invite her random friends to my shower? They aren't invited to the wedding, the wedding that I am paying for. I don't know these people. Or does she get to invite whomever she wants because she's chosen to host a shower?
You have two issues here, Jibba. First, no, you can't tell your mother whom to invite to a party she's hosting. She's the hostess; she makes the decisions.
Except when your second issue rears its head: No, she can't invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding. Ever. For any reason. It's tacky, it's gift-grabby, and it simply Shouldn't Be Done.
Both of you are in the wrong, here, so it's time to start over. Thank your mother for offering to throw you a shower, and then give her your wedding guest list. Remind her - gently, please! - that only those invited to the wedding may be considered to be guests at a shower, and that your guest list is final. This is the end of your input on the shower.
If your mother insists on inviting her friends, regardless of their being invited to the wedding, well, then she looks rude. Remember that you can only control your own actions and reactions. You can't make your mother do what you want; you can only guide her in the right direction and then let anything else roll off your back.
A note, here, on family throwing showers: I know I may get some comments that disagree with me, but I don't believe family throwing showers is rude anymore. It used to be that when a woman was living at home before her marriage, her getting a lot of stuff at the shower was of immediate benefit to the family, and therefore, it was tacky for them to be involved in shower-planning.
Considering that women should be out of their parents' home before they marry these days, I can't see how immediate family benefit when their grown child receives gifts, so the whole "mom throwing the shower" point isn't one of poor etiquette.
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