Nothing Is Permanent

Kathie writes:

We can't decide on where to live. My fiance wants to live in a condo because it's a building and I want a yard and a private house because that is what I grew up in. I know that there is very little maintenance with an apartment but the idea of future kids running out of the house and into a yard makes me smile. Should I just give up my dream to make him happy? We're young so maybe he'll change his mind eventually anyway, but I don't know how to feel about my dreams being crushed.

Kathie, darling, slow down! I think you're putting your kids before the horse here, so just take a deep breath and visit the right lane with me for a moment.

You're young; you're still unmarried; any kids are in the future at least a little way. My parents lived in something like five different states before they had their first child (ME!), and even after that, they lived in three different places before having another. And moved yet again after having their third.

I've been married three years, and lived with my partner for almost seven; we've been in an apartment and two houses. I'll bet if you ask anyone how many times they've moved - before kids, during kids - it will be more than once. Needs and incomes change. Have you discussed with your fiance if he'd want to live in a building situation forever? I mean, if he's open to a lawn someday, then I don't think this is something to get worked up over.

Then, too, there are places in the world where a condo can include a yard: My husband and I looked at a condo in Phoenix that had a front and backyard. Small, but the homeowners' association took care of mowing the front lawn, and they built a community park and pool for the tenants. There is a lot to be said for taking your kids to a local park, as well, instead of staying at home: they can make friends (as can you!), get more exercise on their walks to-and-from, and have access to playground equipment you'd never be able to afford for your own yard.

You do, of course, have a point that having plenty of space to play outdoors is vital for raising healthy kids. And while your fiance wants a condo now, he might not be so attached to the idea when the babies start coming.

So hold your horses; take a deep breath; realize nothing is permanent, and in a good marriage, dreams are open to negotiation. You two are a team now, and soon you'll be a family. Talk about what's best for all of you, and I'm sure everyone will be happy.