Religious Differences

Janice asks:


I am Christian and my husband is Jewish. I always celebrated Christmas and have a tree every year. All of the sudden this week my husband tells me that he finds having a tree offensive and does not think it is apporpriate to have in our home! And then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I should convert to judaism because we're married now and he is not sure he wants kids with me until then! This is news, we celebrate our one year anniversary this year, our different religions never cause a problem before because neither of us are devout religious people. I go to church regularly and celbrate my main Christian holidays with my family, he doesn't even keep Kosher. Is a Christmas tree really thar big of a deal to have if you're not Christian? It's just pretty to look at.


Is there a reason your husband started thinking about Christmas in June? It seems like a strange time to bring something like that up. If he's never been particularly devout, and the conversion thing really is news to you, it's possible that he's going through some crisis of faith or spiritual dilemma.

Approaching you about it the way he did was inappropriate, and that needs to be addressed. Sit him down and figure out where this change of heart came from. Has he been planning this all along, and just waited until you were trapped into marriage to spring it all on you? That's fraud, and would be grounds to seek an annulment.

That's not to say I advocate ending your marriage. I strongly believe in "till death do us part," but the point needs to be made that your husband's behavior is highly unacceptable.

There must be a way you can support his new-found devotion without giving up your own faith. If you don't whole-heartedly agree with his religion, you have no business converting to it. If he doesn't respect that, he's missing the point. Many families celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. Some parents wait until their children are older and allow them to choose the religion that speaks most to them. You need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Keep in mind that there's a good chance you won't be able to do it on your own. He doesn't sound like he's wild about compromise. Talk to your pastor, and his rabbi, and a separate, non-religious counselor or therapist to get as much help as you can in getting through this. I cannot imagine it will be an easy road.

And to the rest of our readers, let this be a lesson that even those things that were never an issue while dating can turn into huge issues in a marriage. Talking about every issue--big or small--before you walk down the aisle will save you a lot of trouble later in life.