Thought Control

M asks:

How do I stop thinking of an ex boyfriend? We have been broken up for over 7 years, I am engaged, he is married. Yet, I still wonder about him and think of him often. I need aversion therapy probably! I love my fiance, so why do I keep thinking of this other guy??

First of all, there's not really anything wrong with thinking about your ex. This is a person who was a huge part of your life for a period of time, and it's only natural to occasionally wonder what he's up to and how he's doing. Of course, wondering isn't the same thing as stalking his Facebook page, Googling him every day, pining over him, or fantasizing about him.

If your thoughts about him go beyond the casual "Gee, I hope he's doing well," then you do have a problem. Regardless of where you are in your current relationship, you need to realize that your ex is off-limits. He's married. End of story. I don't necessarily doubt that you love your fiance, but is there some part of your relationship that he isn't fulfilling for you? When you think about your ex, is there a common theme (all of your inside jokes, the sex, the long talks about your hopes and dreams)? Maybe whatever it is you're thinking about is something that you're actually missing in your current relationship. If that's the case, then you need to focus on fixing the present rather than wishing for the past.

The thing is, you can't really control your thoughts, but you can control how you react to them. Keep in mind that there's a reason you broke up. Obviously there was some part of your past relationship that didn't work, or you would still be together. It's easy to look back with rose colored glasses. When your ex sneaks into your brain, make a concerted effort to think about the bad times as well as the good. Focus on what you learned from that relationship that's helping you with your current one.

Also give yourself less opportunity to think about said ex. Delete him from Facebook, take the old prom picture off your mom's fridge, distance yourself from mutual friends for a little while.

And if none of this works, you're going to need more help than I can give you. Talk to a counselor or therapist to get to the bottom of why you can't get over this guy, and put wedding planning on hold. You and your fiance can't have a healthy relationship with this hanging between you.