I cheated on my husband and now I am pregnant, and I am not sure if there is a chance it may not be his, we weren't even trying for a baby! How do I break the news, he's so happy for a new baby? The two guys look alike so I may be able to keep this to myself for a while, right?
If you want to save your marriage, shut your mouth.
Yes, that's right. Don't say a damn thing. Your husband is excited about this child; he wants to be a loving, functional family. You don't know that it's the other man's baby, and it might not be, so stop the affair and shut up. The only thing you'll accomplish by confessing is breaking up your family and spreading the guilt around. It won't make your husband's life better. (It might make the baby's life better, but that's only if you do the right thing and give it up for adoption instead of raising it by yourself.)
And then solve the problems that led you to cheat in the first place. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, that those problems are fixable. If you're just a terrible human being who cheats for fun, then yes, you should tell your husband - right before you divorce him and give the baby up for adoption. If you're the most important thing in your world, there is no room for husband or child, and you do them both a disservice to pretend you care when you don't.
I hope you shape the fuck up after this. I really hope you do what's best for that child. I have to say, I'm not holding my breath on either count, so I'll end with this: Invest in a box of fucking condoms.
Quite frankly, Kate, you were far too easy on her. Even if this is something she can fix she still needs to tell her husband. Cheating needs to be addressed by both parties, and he needs to know what happened ESPECIALLY when a child is involved. Nothing would make a man want to kill himself more than to find out that after 25 years and $100K on college that that kid isn't his and his wife is a whore.
ReplyDeleteTell him now and take whatever is coming. Get the kid paternity tested before he/she could know what's going on and know that his/her mom is whore.
And most importantly, even if there is something that her husband is doing is wrong, she needs to know that what she did was wrong, was not the correct way to handle the situation, and makes her a whore.
On a more lenient note her husband may forgive her if he finds out now, it'll hurt like hell for him but there's nothing anyone can do about that now. To find out later is a trust killer and a sure fire for divorce, especially if he then wants a paternity test and finds himself not the father.
If you don't tell him you cheated, you're living a lie and your child is born into a lie. Is that what you want for your child?
I completely disagree. The point is not "what's best for her husband?" The point is "What's best for that baby?"
ReplyDeleteA stable two-parent home is what's best for that baby. Her husband is *already* a father - he's already parenting that child. If she shapes up and keeps her mouth shut, they can be a very happy family. If she tells him, the only thing that happens is hostility, probably divorce, and you *know* someone this selfish isn't about to give that child up for adoption.
Honesty is not always the best policy.
But where do you draw the line on lying about an immoral act? If it's appropriate to lie about this, would it be appropriate to lie about murdering someone if that lie is told for the sake of bettering the child's life?
ReplyDeleteI draw the line at causing pain for no reason other than causing pain. Confessing to a murder results in justice. Confessing to an affair results in nothing constructive.
ReplyDeleteAnd let's keep in mind that she's not lying. If her husband parents this child, then he IS the father. Where's the lie in that?
There's no justice in getting rid of a cheating whore? Seems pretty constructive to me, you know, not wasting years of your life on someone who doesn't love you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think that at the very least we should stick to the legal definition of truth (and not the Pontious Pilate definition): the truth, the WHOLE truth, and nothing but the truth. Too bad it doesn't seem God is helping her much, maybe she should ask Him.
Lastly, it wasn't the specific answer that bothered me so much as the reasoning. It seems to me that you chose a pragmatic approach to a moral question and in my mind morality and pragmatism are mutually exclusive. Once you start solving moral isssues pragmatically you're in for trouble.
Secrets like this come out. EVENTUALLY. In a world where we've got more than blood tests to determine parentage, keeping a secret like this is dangerous.
ReplyDeleteI'd be pissed (and possibly leave) if I was cheated on...but I'd be REALLY livid and there'd be no fixing anything if it was covered up for years and years, I was lied to for years, and the life of my kid got turned upside down 10 years later because of it.
I think once we're touching on parentage, it has to come out. Soooner rather than later.
(And confessing to an affair may let someone get tested for disease...in this world? I think that's important)