Slut-Shaming: Not Just For Strangers Anymore!

B.T. writes:

My husband thinks he missed out on a lot because I had more partners than he did during college. So I suggested we role play and go to the bar and flirt with other people, just to get each other hot because I saw it on a show and it looked sexy. But he wants to take it further and try to actually pick someone up and wants me to give permission. How do I tell him that the line is drawn at flirting and that is it?

Well isn't he a peach.

To answer the question you asked: Just tell him straight-out. "I am not willing to have an open marriage; it is not an option for me." Because it's not, and you don't want to open the door to any sort of negotiation where he might get his way because you haven't been clear. This is not up for discussion; this is a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to have the decency not to cheat.

But, oh, there is so much more wrong with this whole scenario. He's making his lack of desire or opportunity for sex in college your fault, and expecting that it's your responsibility to fix it. Simply because you had the gall to have more partners than he did in college. Did you two even know each other in college? (My money's on not.) And when did personal sexual expression get to be some sort of contest? He may think that he's just trying to "even the score", but what he's really doing is punishing you for being a happily sexual adult woman before he met you and decided to own you.

I doubt he sees it that way. I doubt it's even a conscious thought, but his behavior says it's definitely a thought. He's pissed that you were a slut in college, and now he's going to hurt you by being a slut himself, forgetting that you're both in the midst of a marriage that began with a vow to forsake all others - and that you are a free adult woman who was entitled to have and enjoy sex.

Now, look, I'm not down on open marriages. They do work for some people. Polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry can all work for some people, given that everyone in the relationships has the same ideas about where things are going. But this isn't that, and your husband is just being a sexist douche who thinks that he should be able to fuck anything he wants, because obviously you did, and that's just not acceptable to him. It's like you thought you owned your own body or something! Silly woman!

My instinct is to tell you to - in the immortal words of Dan Savage - dump the motherfucker already. But I'm quelling that impulse, because I don't see from your letter that he's done this before, or that he's pressuring you unduly, or that you think he'll go out and do it anyway.

So talk to your husband. Tell him that, yes, you had a good time in college - didn't he? Ask him why he wants to go outside the marriage, and isn't that something you two can work on?

You had every right to have and enjoy sex with as many people as you pleased. There's nothing wrong with that. Remind him of that - and pray you never have a daughter.