I'd Be Fed Up Too

Fed UP writes:

How do I get my husband to shower more often? I have to practically beg him every few days to get into a shower, and he sometimes thinks because he works long hours that it interrupts his down time. That's fine, but my sheets smell so bad and I have to change them more frequently than I'd like to. Plus I have to remind him I won't have sex unless he's showered and he doesn't care it seems. He'll shower if I ask him to fool around, but I'd sometimes like for him to be showered and ready without me asking. And no matter how hard I try...I ask nicely, I remind him he's a grown up and grown ups shower every day or every other day, I even tell him that I would like more spontaneous sex and it's not happening with his hygeine habits. It is fixed for about 2 weeks and then he goes back to the man who then makes me nag him into a shower. He's not depressed, just lazy. I don't know how else to explain to him I prefer him to be clean. 

This is just gross. I assume his showering habits didn't change after you got married. So WHY did you marry a man who can't take care of basic hygiene? Does he brush his teeth? Does he shave? You can shower in 5 minutes. The claim that it's eating away at his down time is just ridiculous.

And how does this prioritization of his down time affect your division of household labor? I can't imagine that anyone who can't bother to clean his own body ever even thinks about the dishes, or running a vacuum cleaner.

I have a hard time believing this doesn't affect other aspects of his life. You say he works long hours, but what does he do? I can't think of a single work setting where it wouldn't be noticed if someone wasn't bathing themselves regularly. Dirty, smelly people don't get raises and promotions like people who wash do.

So what should you do? First, you should get him into counseling. You may not think he's depressed, but there's clearly something wrong. Maybe talking to an impartial party will help him realize it. And until he turns himself around, I have no problem with giving him a little passive-aggressive taste of his own medicine. I don't suggest you stop showering, but you can stop shaving, stop doing his laundry, and stop doing the dishes. When he realizes how annoying it is to live in filth, maybe he'll change his ways. Immature, yes. But sometimes immature people can't be dealt with maturely.

Couch Potato

Cori writes:


My boyfriend likes to eat while he watches TV. He always has a bag of chips or a sandwich or something. He gets salt and grease and pizza sauce and everything else all over the remote control. It grosses me out to touch it. I keep a box of tissues on the side-table so that I can use those to punch the buttons, but that is annoying. How do I get him to stop?

Ewwww. I don't think I could date someone who was too much of a slob to wipe his hands off before touching the remote. If that much gunk is getting on the remote, think of what's lurking between your couch cushions. I'd put some serious consideration into getting a second TV for the kitchen, or else a new boyfriend.

I assume you've already tried asking him nicely to use a napkin? If he refuses to change his ways, you may have a larger problem on your hands. Sloppyness at that level usually isn't limited to the living room, and I honestly don't know that I could date someone who wouldn't clean up after himself.

It's time to set some serious boundaries, such as no food outside the kitchen. However, be warned that if you're not willing to leave when things don't improve, you don't have a lot of bargaining room. Decide just how much you're willing to live with, and act accordingly.

Bet I Can Guess His Grade-School Nickname!

Serena asks:


How do I get my husband to stop picking his nose in front of me? I asked him, and I tell him to use a tissue when I catch him. I just want him to not do it.


On the plus side, at least he feels comfortable enough around you to completely forget his manners, amiright? 


I think the best way to change his behavior is to make the consequence of it so great he can't ignore it. Every time he starts booger-mining, I would leave the room. No matter what's going on, what you're involved in, I would simply stand up and leave. Don't say anything to him as you go, either. 


When you think he's probably done, come back in. When he asks what that was all about, explain that you refuse to watch him be so gross, so every time he picks his nose, you'll be leaving the room. I mean, one of you should, right? Ideally, it would be him, going to the bathroom where he can use a tissue and wash his hands, but since that's not happening, it's gotta be you. At least for the foreseeable future. 

That's Okay, I Didn't Like Snacks at the Movies, Anyway.

Alvina writes:


My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.


No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on. 


If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home. 

The Bed is the Least of Your Worries.

S. A. writes:

My fiance became sick recently with really bad flu symptoms. He was hospitalized for 2 days because of the fluids he lost and they thought it might have been a form of meningitis. Thank goodness he's home and getting better, but he's still feeling sick. I offered to stay home with him and even had the time approved, and we live together, but my future mother in law insisted I save my vacation time for the wedding. Well, this was fine, until I came home to find my future mother in law giving my husband a bath in our master bathroom, and she was in her bra and panties. My jaw dropped and I went to leave when she apologized for letting herself in my home unannounced. She recovered when I walked in the bathroom and said she got her clothes wet helping him into the tub, but her clothes were laying on my bed (MY SHARED BED WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND) and they were completely dry. I think it was very awkward for my fiance as well, and he hasn't said anything about it. Do I dare think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship? I mean they seem like a normal family, but it's not like my husband still has a fever or anything and is fully capable of showering by himself when I was home the day before with him.

I'm concerned that the part of this story you seem most upset about is that your future mother-in-laws clothes were on your bed, and not that your future husband was naked in a bathtub with his mother. Yes, you should think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship. I wouldn't even take the time to ask him about it, I'd be too busy packing my things and getting out of there as fast as humanly possible.

Quickies!

Lamonica writes:


My coworker constantly farts loudly, loud enough that I know it's not one that escaped. It happens often. I don;t care if it is her diet or some other issue. Is there a way to let her know she farts all the time without being offensive? It's annoying to have to listen to and sometimes they smell.


Have you ever farted and not known you did so? I didn't think so. 


She knows she has a problem. There is no way to bring this up politely. If you really can't live with it, you can try sending an anonymous email, but that's passive-aggressive and probably won't help the situation at all. 


Keep some air freshener at your desk, and eat broccoli at lunch. 

#                    #                    #

Kipper writes:

What is that white slimy, stringy stuff that comes out of our eyes? I am obsessed with playing with it! It tickles when i pull it out of my eye. But if it's bad to do I will stop.

Um, ew. That sounds like pink eye, frankly, but I hope you're just referring to regular eye discharge - what little kids might call "eye boogers" or "sand", from the Sandman. 

Discharge not associated with an infection like pink eye is often a reaction to an attempted bacterial infection or some irritant in or near the eye. Makeup, an eyelash, even dust can result in excessive eye discharge. 

In general, discharge is not harmful. You should seek medical attention if it's yellowish, seals your eyes shut, or continues throughout the day. 

#               #               #

Val asks:

I like to keep my lady business bare. But recently my husband has mentioned switching off once in a while and having something there to look at. the grow out process is a bitch! What do you think about cutting an inch or so of hair from my head and making a little temporary wig out of it? I could even buy colorful wigs that go on your head and repurpose them. Pink, blue and purple sound fun. Is it possible?

I have one word for you: Merkins (link may not be SFW). A merkin is a pubic wig, and if you Google, you'll find plenty of places to buy them in all colors and sizes and styles. Enjoy!

Panty Raid

Brenda asks:

I have a female coworker constantly diddling around in her pants at her desk. We don't have private offices and I gues she thinks no one can see her even though our cubes are fairly open. She'll reach in there and who knows why. Maybe she has an infection, but this happens too often, I think infections go away with treatment. Should I ask her to stop sticking her hands down her pants at her desk?


Think of it this way: what exactly do you have to gain from telling this coworker that she's gross? All you're doing is making an awkward situation more awkward.  If what she's doing isn't particularly annoying (ie, she's not making an obnoxious noise or emitting a foul odor), then I probably wouldn't say anything. I also wouldn't shake hands with her, or touch anything on her desk.

It's Bugging Her

Leslie writes:

A friend of mine recently stayed over my house after a night of drinking. I knew she had bed bugs a few weeks back but I thought they were taken care of, she even bought a new mattress and linens. But now I noticed I have some bed bug residue on the bed in my guest room! can I ask her to buy me a new mattress since she's the only one who has slept in there recently and is probably who brought the bugs in with her? I do not want an infestation!

Since only the one friend has been in the bed, and since you didn't have bedbugs before she visited, I would advise disinfecting the mattress and treating it before demanding a replacement. Regular vacuuming after a thorough steam-cleaning should do the trick.

I see no problem with asking your friend to chip in for the steam-cleaning, but I would frame it gently. "Friend, I was so happy that you came to visit! But I have to tell you, I found some suspicious residue in the bed after you left, and I know bedbugs are so hard to get rid of, so I'm going to have the mattress cleaned." If she's a good friend and a polite person, she'll offer to pay her share; if not, well, a gentle prodding - "It's $X, so I figured we could go halves" - should do the trick.

You absolutely need to tell her, apart from any monetary concerns, because while she's replaced her mattress and bedding, the bugs can nest in her bed frame, in her walls, or any other convenient place. She may not have gotten rid of the infestation at all, and she'll need to take further action to eliminate it. In light of the costs she's about to incur, your demanding a replacement mattress immediately is less than friendly. Start with the cleaning; if you still have problems in the near future (and are certain it's her), then you may want to broach the possibility of a new bed.

How Does He Feel About Green Eggs?

Torn writes:

I have a magical hambone (powers were bestowed upon it by the high priestess of my circle of believers). My boyfriend does not share my religion and thinks the hambone is gross.  There are bits of meat stuck to it still and it attracks flies and gnats.  He wants me to boil it to "clean it up a bit" but that was not the state it was in when blessed by the high priestess.  He says he is going to move out if I don't do something about it because he can't sleep with the flies (right now it hangs over our bed to protect us in the night).  I think I can maybe put up a mosquito net to help for a while.  How long until the ham bits will rot away and quit attracting flies?




Differing beliefs can be a major problem in relationships; this is why many religions discourage interfaith marriages. It can be very difficult to have a loved one tell you that any part of your belief system is "gross." If your magical hambone is a dealbreaker to your boyfriend, then you're going to have to decide whether or not it's a dealbreaker for you. It's good that you're having this conversation before you're married. You may have to make the difficult decision that this isn't the man for you, but think of how much happier you'll be when you meet someone who treats your hambone with the reverence it deserves. Alternatively, you may decide that this man is more important to you than your faith. Both are valid decisions, but they are yours to make.


If you are looking to reach a compromise, perhaps you could hang it outside--maybe over the back door--until the ham bits rot away. I'm not really sure how long the rotting process takes, but I imagine being outside in the elements would hasten it. And, while it's outdoors, your hambone will be able to protect your entire home during the night, rather than just your bedroom. You and your boyfriend will have the added comfort of not needing to worry about the sanitation issues involved with sleeping in a room full of flies.

This is All Kinds of Uncomfortable

Itchy asks:

A few weeks ago I left my friend's house with tiny bug bites on my feet and ankles that I suspected were flea bites.  She has invited me to come over again later this week.  Would it be rude to ask if her flea problem has been resolved before accepting the invitation?  I can't say for sure that the bites came from her house, but it is the most plausible explanation as to where my bites originated.


If you don't know for absolute certain that they're flea bites and that they came from your friend's home, I think asking her if the problem is resolved is too blunt.


Perhaps mention that you're covered in bites, and nonchalantly ask if she's ever experienced something similar. Or casually mention that since it's flea and tick season you're having your pets checked, and suggest that she does the same. If she doesn't take the bait, you have three options:


1. Politely decline the invitation.

2. Accept the invitation. Make sure you're wearing long pants, shoes and socks, and long sleeves for your visit. Don't sit on the furniture and don't put your purse down.

3. Accept the invitation and pretend nothing is wrong. If you get bitten again, then you'll know with much more certainty that the bites originated with your friend. In this case, it would be much more appropriate to approach her and tactfully suggest that she call an exterminator.

Black Socks With Bermuda Shorts, Too, Right?

Sickened writes:

My coworker smells so bad, it's like feet. it's warmer out these days so it's gotten worse. I put a fan on my desk to blow the stench away from me back onto her, but it does get overwhelming. I even started to talk about how many times a day I shower in the summer because I hate thinking I might smell. No dice; she doesn't fall for it. Is there a better way that may work to tell her she stinks like a foot? Passive aggressive doesn't work. We're not very friendly but we do have to work in the same office. I don't gossip, but I am sure I'm not the only one offended by her aroma. She usually wears tyvek sandals with socks, so I wonder if it IS her feet.

Sickened, does your company have a competent Human Resources division? Usually I like direct, polite confrontation, but this is one of those areas that can go bad with lightning speed, so I suggest you make a discreet inquiry to HR about your options with a coworker who has poor hygiene. They'll hopefully already have some sort of policy in place to either pull Smelly aside and deal with her directly, or some way to notify Smelly's immediate superior that something needs to be done - without getting you involved.

Also, I'm dying to know what you do that wearing sandals with socks is appropriate work attire. I mean, from a fashionable standpoint, sandals and socks are never appropriate attire, but in the workplace? No. You might suggest a change in dress code, too, while you're at it.

But I Bet There's A Word For Sunburn Peeling

Tanya writes:

I love running my fingers through my hair, and sort of massaging my scalp. I sometimes find little hard things that I am addicted to picking off. I do not have dandruff or lice, they feel sort of like grains of fine sand and I thought they could be whiteheads on my scalp. Any ideas what this is?

You know, Tanya, I know exactly what you're talking about - and I can't find anything via Google to define it. There's a lot of information on scalp disorders out there, but not much on healthy, but slightly pickable, heads.

Your theory of whiteheads sounds as good as any - and if you think to ask your doctor at your next checkup, let us know what she says!

Dirty Boy

Jasmine asks:

What is the best way to ask my husband to wash his privates better than he does? I don't want to insult him, but his thing and crotch hair is often musty and smells like soup. Thanks!

Jasmine, this is the man you married. He should be the one person in the world you can be completely blunt with. If you're worried about how he'll react to a "Sweetie, I love you, but you need to take longer showers," think of how insulted he'll be when you stop--ahem--hanging out down there.

If you want to try a more subtle approach, try showering with him. Lather him up and pay special attention to the parts that need it. When you're done, make sure to mention how much you like it when he's clean and fresh. If you're lucky, that will be all the motivation he needs. 

Trust Me: I'm An Expert

Rafaella Mastroantonio writes:

Is there a way to stop the underneath boob area from sweating, or should i just line my bra with tissue? It's hot and I am drippy.

No, seriously: I'm an expert. I have breasts, and I lived in Phoenix, and I sweat. A lot.

My solution has always been baby powder. When you get out of the shower, powder the undersides of your breasts. It won't exactly stop the sweating - if you're very active or outside for a long period of time, you'll still sweat some - but it will prevent odor and the baby powder will absorb most of the sweat, saving your bra from sweat damage.

You can also try applying a regular antiperspirant/deodorant under your breasts, but I've found most commercial ap/d to cause pimples or rashes on the chest.

I also try to wear only breathable natural fabrics in warm weather, preferably cotton or mostly-cotton items. Wearing a black tank under a white shirt will also help, as long as both layers are thin, because the black of the tank top will absorb heat from your body, while the white shirt on top will reflect heat coming at you from the environment. Loose clothing is preferable to tight, and in that vein, make sure your bra fits. If you're small enough, you may be able to find all-cotton or moisture-wicking bras, and that will help the problem, as well.

You can also try Cleavage Coolers, little tubes you stick in the freezer to cool, and then stick down your bra to cool you. I can't vouch for effectiveness, but sticking ice on your tits can't make you hotter. Temperature-wise, that is.

Quickies

Two quick answers to short questions. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Jennifer writes:

I was invited to a wedding out-of-town, due to budget we cannot go. I sent my regrets along with a brief note. Is it bad if I don't send a gift? Money is tight, so to me a card is sufficient, but it's a first cousin and I don't want them to think I am being cheap.


A gift is just that: a gift. It is neither an obligation nor a requirement, and therefore, no, it is not necessary to send one. If your financial situation will improve within the next year, however, it is considered perfectly appropriate to send a wedding present at any time in the couple's first year of marriage, so you can always send one in a few months.

*                                                            *                                     *

Salivary Gland (ew) writes:

Horseflys. I hate them. I like to keep the windows opened during the warm weather because of the fresh air business. But it lets the flies in! They only live for a week or two, so relief is in sight. I look forward to their little fly deaths. But is there a way to get rid of them without resorting to hanging fly paper as if it's a baby's first birthday? Fly paper is not a crepe paper streamer.

A quick Google perusal gave me several links to commercially produced fly repellents, and also a myriad of natural remedies. Lavender, citronella, pennyroyal, eucalyptus, lemongrass, and peppermint oils are all prescribed to combat flies; WikiHow has a step-by-step process listed for making a fly repellent, and this article from Equine World UK describes a couple of different products and natural remedies. Good luck and keep us posted about what works!