Small Dog People Aren't The Same As Big Dog People

Vincenza Marie asks:

I have a small dog that is very well behaved. She doesn't bark when the doorbell rings, she doesn't jump on people, and she's generally just a lap dog. Every time I go to my brother's house, his huge dog jumps on any guest who walks in. The dog listens when my brother gives it a command, but then the dog gets bored I guess (she's 2 years old) and tries to engage people by jumping on them and putting her paws on their shoulders going face to face. This is fine for some people, but I don't like big dogs. I do not like that they are very strong when they jump on you. This dog also has a thing for feet, and will slober on my (or any guest's) feet, and start trying to chew the laces off of the shoes I am wearing. Even though he stops the dog, I hate going over there just because I know the dog will start annoying me. I think when I start to get annoyed, the dog thinks I am playing. Everyone, including my fiance, think that i should lighten up because I have a dog, and they think that I am too mean because I won't acknowledge my brother's dog. I am tired of having this dog's saliva on me when I am at their house. Is it wrong of me to not want to have anything to do with this dog?

It's not wrong of you to expect your brother's dog to be disciplined when you visit, especially given that your brother knows you have a problem with it. If the dog is so good at listening to commands, then why isn't your brother commanding it not to jump on people when they open the door? Having a dog that jumps can be dangerous. What happens when a small child or elderly person visits the house? It may be worth pointing out to your brother that owning a large dog comes with certain responsibilities, and he's not living up to them.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your brother is willing to change his behavior, so it's up to you to change yours. Here are a few things you can do to make your interactions with the dog more bearable.

1. Ask your brother to confine the dog to another room when you enter the house. Not having the dog greet you at the door will enable him to hear your voice and get used to your presence before he sees you. It will also give you a minute to relax and greet your family without having to worry about the dog.

2. Once you and the dog are in the same room, practice Cesar Milan's method of "no talk, no touch, no eye contact." If you ignore the dog he'll soon learn that you're no fun to play with. If the dog jumps on you, turn your back, cross your arms, and stand still until he goes away. Once the dog is calm and quiet you can speak to him and pet him.

3. Remain calm. This one is easier said than done, especially if you're intimidated by the dog. However, dogs truly do feed off of people's energy. If your nerves cause you to act excitably (jumping backwards, flailing your arms, etc.) the dog will take this as play. Instead, breathe deeply and stand your ground. Again, the dog will decide you're boring and move on to the next victim.

4. Don't wear laced shoes to your brother's house. If you know a certain item of clothing provokes bad behavior, stop wearing it.

Absent of proper training on your brother's part, none of these is going to be a cure-all for this dog's behavior. However, by understanding his limitations and yours, you might be able to make visits at least bearable.


Also keep in mind that you like your brother more than you dislike his dog (I hope). Sometimes you have to take a little bit of bad with the good. Do you really want to give this dog the power to ruin your relationship with your family?

Head, Meet Wall

From our favorite correspondent!

Actually, I did articulate why I did not like them together. If you agree or disagree is one thing, but you're more intent on name calling. Sorry, sure it's your blog and you can say what you want but your advice doesn't come off as legit when your argument is "you're just jealous" or "you're a bitch". Who does that help? If this blog is meant for just entertainment, FINE. But if this is an advice column, how does that convince someone to listen to what you have to say?

Anyway, this is my reasoning. (AGAIN, you don't have to agree with my opinion, because I wasn't asking for that. I was asking for advice on how to tell them to slow things down. And yeah, they may be thinking of becoming sexually active, but I have no idea.)

"I think 15 is too young to spend every day with a boyfriend, and it's especially young to have to deal with a boyfriend who has a troubled home life. If my parents want to help him, that is their decision. She's not going to be with this kid forever, and when she does break up with him he'll be heartbroken. "

I'd like to point out that she did not let us in on her little "He'll be heartbroken!" reason for meddling until her second letter to us. Just as a point of fact.

And then another!

I would also like to know how worrying about my younger sister's well being makes me sound jealous.

If this is an advice column, hows about giving me tips on how NOT to be jealous, if that's what you actually think?

I don't think you people have younger isters or brothers so maybe you have no idea what it's like to worry about them. Or maybe you had troubled home lives and got immediately defensive when someone said it's not their problem!

While it's true that Christy and Kate don't have any younger "isters", Kate has three younger brothers, and Christy has three brothers and a sister. We do worry for our siblings - just not when they're being typical teenagers, and certainly not when our parents are in the home to oversee their upbringing.

That's the point I think you missed: You are not your sister's parent. It is not up to you to tell her how to live her life, or that she should kick this kid to the curb because you think they're too close. Her parents are alive, and well, and observing the situation firsthand. It is up to them to parent her, not up to you.

As for being jealous, well, perhaps if you focused more on your own life than on hers, you wouldn't have time to notice what she's up to and form an opinion on it. Try some new activities, make some new friends, take up a new hobby. (Preferably something calming, like knitting.)

Or, we can just give you the advice you want: Call up your sister and tell her that being with this kid is a terrible mistake, and she should dump him right now.

We'll be waiting for your follow-up letter asking why she eloped with him.

Don't you sometimes wish water were thicker?

Ruby writes:

My sister is a rather difficult person. At best. She has continually created situations where she is made out to be the victim when, in fact, she is really the perpetrator.  For example, she made me cry twice on my wedding day because I didn't get her a flower for her hair. And when my parents called her out on joining a cult, she tried to get us all to go to a "seminar", then told us it was our fault she couldn't speak to us anymore, because we refused to follow the cult's teachings. I want to have a relationship with her even though if we weren't related by blood I wouldn't even consider her to be someone I would want anywhere near my life. What should i do?

Yikes.

My first instinct is to tell you to forget it, it's not worth it, but you've obviously explored that option, and it isn't emotionally right for you.  So it's time for Crazy Muffs.

This may not seem germane, but wait for it: In the movie Old School, Vince Vaughn plays a suburban dad with a little son he carts with him everywhere. Whenever he wants to say something profane or risque, he just barks "Earmuffs!" at the kid. Kid covers his ears, and Vince is free to say whatever he pleases.

You need to employ this same strategy. Every time your sister starts with the crazy, just think to yourself, "Crazy muffs!" Ignore her baiting you. Ignore her silent treatment because you haven't decided to go FLDS with her. Ignore the fact that she needs to be the center of attention - or embrace it, and know that she's got bigger problems than you ever have.

You can't control your sister, more's the pity. I know if you could, you'd make her smart and funny and normal, someone you'd want to be around. I know it hurts to have your hopes and expectations about adult sibling relationships shot to shit. But the only thing you can control is your reaction to her. If you give in to her drama, she gets what she needs emotionally, but you get nothing. If you refuse to play, you can see her at Thanksgiving and Flag Day and have a perfectly pleasant relationship, at least as far as you're concerned. The only downside to this strategy is that she may cut you off, because you'll no longer be giving her what she wants. But if that happens, you know you gave it your best efforts - and let's face it, the crazies never go away entirely, even when we want them to.