Why Size Acceptance Is For Everyone

Unimportant asks a doozy:


Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?


Short answer? You can't.


Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while. 


Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?


Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!


That's right. All of society.  Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place. 


Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?


But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!


And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!


So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.


She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?


You first. 

That's Sexual Harassment, and You Don't Have to Take It

Vinette writes:

One of the supervisors here in my office has a rapport with the ladies who work under him. They constantly joke and tease one another in a harmless way. However, it bothers me and I am not sure if it bothers me because I have a legitimate complaint or because I just feel like letting something bother me. Hopefully you can put me in my place if necessary.


They make sexually charged jokes with one another. While I find that the people involved in the jokes don't mind - and he only jokes with members of his own team - I am not sure how the people who can hear the jokes feel as this all happens during regular working hours on the work floor and not in the breakroom.


I started to get annoyed when he went to one of the lady's desks to tell her he "could smell the bacala" which referenced her stinky vagina. They all laughed and it's a constant joke with them, but teasing one another around me about the smell of a vagina is inappropriate during work. I am not sure how uncomfortable I am for all of that, but it definitely is not something I want to hear while I am working.


However, because he's not my immediate superior, and because his team doesn't mind, I wonder if I just need to let it go and ignore it. I do not interact with this man because I generally do not have to, and he's never rude. I just don't care for his jokes about female body parts and gender roles. So you think this is something I should report to HR, or is it something I should just let go because I am not involved?


I am lost only because I get along wit my coworkers in genera, and don't want to be the one who ruined everyone's fun times during the workday. They may have that casual relationship and who am I to ruin it for them, ya know?

I am shocked that you work at a company that has an HR department but does not have some form of sexual harassment training. It should be common knowledge to anyone working in a professional atmosphere that this behavior is unacceptable. Even if all parties directly involved in the joking are comfortable with it, they're creating a hostile work environment for everyone around them. If the supervisor makes you uncomfortable, the issue needs to be addressed.

Talk to your HR representative. Every conversation you have should be kept strictly confidential, but it wouldn't hurt to let your rep know that you do not want to be named in the report. At the very least, you'll be starting a paper trail that will follow this guy in the event that his behavior escalates.

Googling is the New Eavesdropping

R asks:

I happened to find some stuff a supposed "friend" said about me on the internet. I was playing with Google, looking up my name, my boyfriend's name, etc. to see if things like facebook come up, and I put in my close friend's name. We arae not besties, but we're pretty close and talk almost on a daily babsis. If not on the phone, then by email. Well, I found out that she's been saying things on a forum using a name that pretty much gives herself away and also uses her signature pic as a pic of herself so I know it's her. She has told some things about me that I felt were confidential, and NEVER thought she'd tell them to anyone let alone the internet. I know what you put online is public info these days, but I thought you can still confide in a good friend. Hopefully no one we mutually know sees what she has said but just like I found her, to me there's always a chance someone else did and these things she is talking about are embarassing and personal.

I also by the way, found out some pretty disgusting personal things about her and her husband's relationship that have to do with their sex life from her posting it online. I want to know if I should confront her, or let it go? What should I do!!


Let's not pretend you stumbled upon this stuff accidentally. Unless she's using her full first and last name as her handle on an internet forum*, your search went beyond just typing her name into Google. What were you hoping to discover, and why? It sounds to me like regardless of how often you talk, you aren't actually very good friends.

Her sex life is none of your concern. Her choice to share it with the internet at large is also none of your concern. In that regard, you have nothing to confront her about.


The personal info she shared about you is your concern. If you want the stories removed, you're within your rights to confront her. Simply let her know that you found what she said about you online, and you'd appreciate it if she'd delete those posts because you'd rather not have personal identifying information out there. Understand that she will likely be embarrassed for having been caught, and could take that embarrassment out on you. So, confronting her has the potential to be friendship-ending. It doesn't really seem to me like this is a friendship worth saving anyway.



*If she is, in fact, using her full name on an internet forum, this is a whole different problem. In this case, you're going to want to point out to her the dangers of having too much personal information available online. Remind her that everything she writes can be easily found by family, friends, and potential employers.

Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room

Rosalita asks:


Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?

I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).

Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.

You Mean Living in a Society Means I Have To Deal With People?

Elsa asks:


Why do people with large strollers think that everyone around them has to move out of their way, wait for them to decide to walk, and hold doors when we might be in more of a hurry? Maybe manufacturers should include owner instructions for people who don't realize that the large SUV sized strollers are an inconvenience, and it's not only them walking the streets needing to go places.

I grant you that it's annoying when people take up an entire walkway and either walk slowly or just stop. But I'm not on board with the stroller hate.

There's a nice double standard here, where you don't want to be inconvenienced by people with children, and yet you expect them to inconvenience themselves for you? I'm sure everyone would love to pay a babysitter every time they need to run to the store for a gallon of milk. And the mom who's pushing 30 pounds of baby, stroller, baby gear, and shopping bags should be happy to take a minute and a half to struggle through a heavy door when it would have taken you 5 seconds to hold it for her.

Jesus be some common courtesy. You get out of this world exactly what you put into it. If you want to have a bad attitude, go ahead. Sneer at and slam doors on new moms. Let us know where that gets you. You might find that when you start treating people with charity and respect you'll be met with genuine appreciation and kindness. Maybe then you won't get so unduly angered by stupid things.

Just Cause

Stretched-too-far writes:

A few years ago I casually signed up for a volunteer position that I thought would take a few hours per month.  Little did I know that this would turn into a part-time job every summer.  The past two years I struggled through thinking that once we could get a few more volunteers, my work load would decrease.  This year we finally have more volunteers but it hasn't been better at all.  Now I have lots of work to do and lots of volunteers that mess up, don't do their jobs and make my job more difficult.

I don't enjoy this volunteer job and although it is a very worthy cause, I am not very passionate about the charity I'm helping.  I find myself resenting all of the hours that I put into it.

So what is your advice?  Should I quit?  If I do, how do I break the news?  I can't help but feel like a big baby when this is such a worthy cause.

It sounds to me like your kindness is being taken advantage of. At the very least you've been going above and beyond for over two years and should feel no guilt about moving on. As a volunteer, you owe this charity no more than what you're willing to give them. Worthy cause or not, if you feel like your time would be better spent on something else, then you're well within your rights to quit.

It's not easy to walk away from something like this. You don't want to feel like a quitter, and you don't want to disappoint the people who really are passionate about this cause. But think about it this way: the cause deserves your best, and if you're unhappy with what you're doing, then your best isn't what they're getting.

Is there anything else you can do to stay involved to a lesser degree? Perhaps you could offer to work a specific annual event, or you could decide that instead of giving your time you'll increase your financial contribution. See if there's a way to stay involved without wearing yourself out.

As far as breaking the news, you just have to be direct. Talk to the charity director or whomever you report to in person, and tell them that due to personal commitments you'll no longer be able to work for them in the same capacity. Have a specific end date in mind; agreeing to stay on until they find a replacement gives them little motivation to find someone. You may want to offer your services for a smaller, lower stress position, or to let them know they can keep you on their mailing list. Letting them know you still support the cause will go a long way toward not burning a bridge.

Good luck.

'Cause Girls Can't Catch and Are Bad at Math, Right?

Libby asks:

I'm pregnant and having a girl! My husband is not thrilled and is talking about when we should start trying again for a boy, and I'm still 3 months away from having this one! I'm trying to see how this birth goes before signing on for more. He suggested IVF for gender selection because he did some research for the next kid. How can I get him to see that he'll love the baby and the baby will love him no matter what we have?

It sounds like your husband is experiencing gender disappointment.  It's not terribly uncommon for men not to feel bonded to their children until after they are born. It's also possible that he has an easier time imagining a bond with a child of the same sex as he. Going as far as suggesting gender selection for your next child is heading into the extreme territory and would cause me some concern.

Start by talking to him. Ask him why he wants a boy, and what his fears are with relation to having a girl. Be supportive, and let him know that you're confident that he'll be a wonderful father. Ask that all discussions of future children and the possibility of pricy, non-medically necessary procedures be tabled until after you both get your sea legs with this baby.

If, after the baby is born, he continues to have trouble bonding or seems to resent your daughter, then it's time for counseling. I certainly would be hesitant to have more children with him if it meant risking having him favor one over the other.

The "Ooops" Baby

Amy writes:

Dear WYPF,

My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.

We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.

The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.

Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.

My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.

What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?

It gets more complex.

I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.

We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.

What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?

I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.

I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.

Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.

But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.

Not helping, am I?

You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.

However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.

You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.

This Place Is For The Dogs

Jamie asks:

My sister in law's house smells like dog urine and, well, human waste as well. She rarely likes to open the windows because she thinks she will forget to close them at night. It's torture going over there, especially for meals, because the smell is overwhelming. They only have one dog, but they often forget to take the dog out so the dog pees on the furniture and no one cleans it up. I noticed this when I went to sit on the couch and saw the stains. Her bathroom is also very unsanitary - stains in the shower, mildew buildup, soiled toilet seat. I make sure I go to the bathroom before I leave my house so I won't have to use her toilet unless it's an emergency. She lives alone with her teenaged daughter, and I think the daughter should help with chores to make sure the house is kept cleaner than it is, but my sister in law said she's too busy with school and a part time job to do regular chores. I really don't want to go back over there, but every time I try to just tell her to open the windows for more fresh air "because it's so NICE out!" she replies that she always forgets to close the windows when I leave and promptly shuts them. I am at the point where I am ready to never go back over there, or just invite the sister in law to MY home for dinner and visits. What do you think?

I think never going over there is an excellent idea. I certainly would never eat in a house that was kept like that. I'm gagging just thinking about it.

For what it's worth, if I had a friend or close family member who was living in that degree of filth, I'd be pulling them aside and asking if something was wrong. This behavior is indicative of much larger problems, and it's possible that she needs professional help. Sure the teenage daughter could be helping out, but it's clear that the mother is doing nothing, so why should her daughter be expected to be different?

I would decline all future invitations to her home. If she asks why, I would tell her.

Helping Ailing Parents

Georgia asks:

My mother in law is losing her hearing, and she has the beginnings of cataracts. She also has osteoporosis and uses a walker but barely walks around her house because she's afraid to fall and break something. She lives alone so I suggested to my husband to get her the life alert system. However, none of the siblings want to chip in and it is too expensive for us to take on the entire cost. I know I can't expect them to part with their money, but this is THEIR mom, not mine, so why do I care more about her safety than they do? So my question is, would it be out of line to do some research and see how much the life alert system is if we were to share the cost, per each sibling, or is that too presumptuous?

It's admirable that you want to do something to help your mother-in-law. However, if your husband's siblings have already said they don't want to chip in on a life alert, then it is presumptuous to research prices with the expectation of changing their mind. What you could do is look into her insurance coverage and see what kind of assistance may be available under her plan. Your mother-in-law may also have the finances available to cover her own care, and it's not unreasonable to sit down with her and let her know what she needs to start doing.

There are ways to assist an ailing parent without a financial obligation as well, so don't be too quick to write off your brothers and sisters-in-law as uncaring. If an alert system is simply out of the budget, then suggest that you each make it a point to call or visit once or twice a week, just to check in on her.

The family also needs to face the fact that if their mother is going blind, there's a limit to the amount of time she's going to be able to live on her own. Start the discussion now of how you're going to handle in-home care or assisted living, or whether she'll move in with one of her children. Even if the move is ultimately a few years off, it's best to get the plan in place now so that there's not a lot of arguing or indecisiveness when the time for action comes. 

At the end of the day, the amount of time and money you're willing to put into helping your mother-in-law is a decision that you and your husband need to make independently of his siblings. I should hope that each of her children will want to provide the best care possible for the woman who raised them, but fighting over who provides what only hurts her in the end.

You Can Pick Your Friends, But You Can't Pick Your Family

Snap writes:

I don't know how to handle this situation. About a year ago I met some really cool people at my cousin's wedding. One of the people I met is her new sister in law, her husband's sister. She's a cool chick, and likes to go to the same clubs I like. We talked and texted a lot since the wedding, and saw each other occassionally at the same places, oftentimes with my cousin/her new sister in law.

I made plans this past weekend to hang out with her, without my cousin. My friends were all there with us, and they are generally my age, around 24-26 years old average. This one is 32, and she just lives a fantastic life, or so I thought.

She drove her new car to the club we were all hanging out at, and I guess she forgot she drove and got super sloppy drunk. My boyfriend is a great guy, and did not drink at all, and couldn't let her leave by herself in good conscience. he offered to drive her car and take her home to get her home safe, and we'd have our friends follow us so we could have a ride back home also.

That's when it all went downhill. He got in the driver's seat, and had a hard time starting the car. She smirked and asked, "What's wrong with you, don't you know how to drive?" And he told her he never drove a BMW. She became really sarcastic about this, and told him he must not do anything for me because he doesn't have enough money for a BMW. So she showed him how to start the car and we went on our way. We thought she was just drunk and acting foolish, so we let it go, because she still had to get home safe.

Then she passed out in the backseat and wouldn't respond when we asked where she lived. I remembered that her parents live in a nearby town about 15 miles away, so we started to drive there. We got in front of the house, and she started to scream, literally scream, "Where did you take me? Why would you think I live here?" So I told her I thought this was her parents' house, and she said that she doesn't live with her parents she lives in an apartment a few blocks from the club we were at. My boyfriend was starting to get annoyed, but figured this was a friend of a friend and wanted to keep peace. We drove back to where we came from.

On the way, she started to complain that she was hungry and asked if we could stop, and since I was hungry also, we stopped at a 24 hr McD's. She fell asleep again and woke up in the parking lot and started yelling about how she doesn't eat shitty McD's and what kind of person do we think she is.

Since we were close to her home, we told her we were tired and we were just going to drop her off. We parked the car, she cursed at us, told us to go F--K ourselves because she was too good to be seen with us because she just went to St Barth's and hangs out with celebrities. She also threatened to beat me up as she was walking into her building. She didn't, she was just peacocking. Needless to say, we will not be seeing her socially again.

I told my cousin what happened, and my cousin said that she's just an angry drunk and to just not hang out with her anymore, but I think my cousin is impressed with this chick's BMW, fancy vacations, and socialite behavior. Do I say something to my cousin, or do I just let it go and hope to never run into this chick again? I don't want things to be awkward because she is close with my cousin since they are in-laws, but at the same time, I don't take this abuse from anyone.

You already said something to your cousin, and she told you not to hang out with her sister-in-law anymore. What more do you want to get out of this?

I agree that this is not a woman that you should continue to see socially. I don't believe that drunkeness is an excuse for bad behavior. In fact, I think actions taken while drunk are more of an indicator of a person's character than actions taken while sober. So yeah, this woman is a classless assbag and you shouldn't care if you never see her again.

Unfortunately, it's a lot easier to cut an acquaintance out of your life than it is to cut out family. This woman is your cousin's family, and if you continue to make an issue of this you're only making your cousin's situation worse. The fact that your cousin acknowledged that her sister-in-law is a bad drunk and suggested you not pursue the friendship leads me to believe that she's already aware of this woman's shortcomings. If she's willing to overlook them for the BMW and the socialite lifestyle, so be it. She's not forcing you to continue the friendship.

So let it go. Stop returning her texts and emails, don't hang out with your cousin if this chick is around, be friendly when you cross paths at family parties, and go about your life. Anything beyond that isn't your business.

Monkeys See, Monkeys Do

Exhausted writes:

When my 3 nephews come over, ages 12, 8, and 6, they have to be told to remember their manners. Their parents don't say anything until I say something, and by then the kids have already misbehaved. They never say please or thank you, and walk right past me and my husband when they come into our home. After dinner, they leave their plates at the table to go and play, and I have to call them back to clean their places. They were recently watching a TV show and had the nerve to ask the grownups to be quiet so they can hear their show. My husband told them that the adults are allowed to talk, and reminded them that they usually interrupt everyone and make noise when WE are all trying to talk, so they need to be more mindful of their actions. Their mom babies them so we can't tell her how to parent, but in our home, we're entitled to have them abide by certain rules. Or are we?

You're right: you can't tell other people how to parent. Unless you're an advice columnist.

But you're also right that you decide on the rules to be followed in your own home. 12, 8, and 6 are more than old enough to show common courtesy, pick up after themselves, and be respectful of everyone else. Next time the boys come over, I think you should meet them at the door and, after greeting them warmly, remind them of the rules. Say something like, "Now, I know you guys remember that we do things a little differently at Auntie's house. I just want to remind you that we're polite to each other all the time, and we pick up after ourselves, and we respect each other and other people's belongings." Or whatever other major problem you're having with them.

Reminding children of the rules is not parenting - it is helping to socialize them. You know that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well, you're the village. Since their parents have little interest in helping them move past the wild barbarian stage, it's up to you to do so - at least while they're in your home.

The best way to do this, though, is to model the behavior for them. In that vein, I think it's terribly rude to be talking over a television program that other people are trying to watch. Is there no other room where you can go to chat, that won't disturb the boys? I have to say, I'm not surprised they're rude: that's the example being set for them. There are not separate standards of politeness for adults and children, and if you fail to show them any respect, don't be surprised when you get disrespect in return.

Head, Meet Wall

From our favorite correspondent!

Actually, I did articulate why I did not like them together. If you agree or disagree is one thing, but you're more intent on name calling. Sorry, sure it's your blog and you can say what you want but your advice doesn't come off as legit when your argument is "you're just jealous" or "you're a bitch". Who does that help? If this blog is meant for just entertainment, FINE. But if this is an advice column, how does that convince someone to listen to what you have to say?

Anyway, this is my reasoning. (AGAIN, you don't have to agree with my opinion, because I wasn't asking for that. I was asking for advice on how to tell them to slow things down. And yeah, they may be thinking of becoming sexually active, but I have no idea.)

"I think 15 is too young to spend every day with a boyfriend, and it's especially young to have to deal with a boyfriend who has a troubled home life. If my parents want to help him, that is their decision. She's not going to be with this kid forever, and when she does break up with him he'll be heartbroken. "

I'd like to point out that she did not let us in on her little "He'll be heartbroken!" reason for meddling until her second letter to us. Just as a point of fact.

And then another!

I would also like to know how worrying about my younger sister's well being makes me sound jealous.

If this is an advice column, hows about giving me tips on how NOT to be jealous, if that's what you actually think?

I don't think you people have younger isters or brothers so maybe you have no idea what it's like to worry about them. Or maybe you had troubled home lives and got immediately defensive when someone said it's not their problem!

While it's true that Christy and Kate don't have any younger "isters", Kate has three younger brothers, and Christy has three brothers and a sister. We do worry for our siblings - just not when they're being typical teenagers, and certainly not when our parents are in the home to oversee their upbringing.

That's the point I think you missed: You are not your sister's parent. It is not up to you to tell her how to live her life, or that she should kick this kid to the curb because you think they're too close. Her parents are alive, and well, and observing the situation firsthand. It is up to them to parent her, not up to you.

As for being jealous, well, perhaps if you focused more on your own life than on hers, you wouldn't have time to notice what she's up to and form an opinion on it. Try some new activities, make some new friends, take up a new hobby. (Preferably something calming, like knitting.)

Or, we can just give you the advice you want: Call up your sister and tell her that being with this kid is a terrible mistake, and she should dump him right now.

We'll be waiting for your follow-up letter asking why she eloped with him.

I Can't Imagine Why She Doesn't Like You

Shaherezade (sic) writes:

My mother in law to be is a real bitcheroo. I don't her (sic) name permanently embalzoned (sic) on my fancy wedding invitations, especially because she is so mean and purposely not giving us money for the wedding because she specifically told my fiancee that if he were marrying someone else she'd have no problem giving us some cash. We didn't even ask her for her money! So hopefully she'll be dead soon, and then I won't have to see her face with the hairy chin mole. But she keeps insiting (sic) on having her name on our invitation and my fiancee (sic) is trying to convince me this is the right thing to do because MY parent's (sic) are on it. WELL, my parents have helped secure really good deals with all of our vendors and also offered to pay for the invitation we choose! I cannot murder this woman, so how do we get her off our backs???

Okay, technically--technically--you are right not to include your future mother-in-law's name on the invitation. Etiquette dictates that the hosts of the wedding are named on the invitation. Traditionally, the hosts are the bride's parents. So, formal, traditional wedding invitations typically will not list the groom's parents.

However, you need to seriously check your attitude. Calling her names and wishing her dead are things that a horrible, spoiled child would do. Your concern here has nothing to do with etiquette and everything to do with wanting to punish this woman for not giving you money. When I feel your motivations are wrong, I tend to side with the other party. It won't kill you to put her name on the invitation, and since your parents aren't actually hosting the wedding they have little more right to be named than she does. Suck it up and stop being a bitch. Right now you have the choice to be the bigger person and make peace with your new family, or secure your position as the hated daughter in law. Why would you have any interest in the latter? Grow up.

If I were your future mother-in-law I wouldn't be supporting my son's decision to marry you either. Does your future husband know how much you hate his mother? You might want to show him this little missive before he makes the mistake of walking down the aisle with you. I personally would have zero interest in joining my life permanently to someone whose family I could not stand, nor would I want to marry someone who spoke so hatefully of my family.

Free Coffee! Oh, Wait....

Cassie writes:

I bought coffee and donuts this morning and did not notice on my receipt that they forgot to charge me for my coffee until I got to my desk. Is it wrong that I did not go back and pay for my coffee, should I to clear my conscience?

I think if you swing by the coffee shop tomorrow with your receipt and offer to pay, it would be appropriate. If you're a regular, the barista may simply have decided to give you a freebie - a pretty common practice among service personnel, actually. If that was the case, she'll probably not take your money, but she will appreciate that you're an honest person. If it wasn't the case, then you've done the right thing, and your conscience can be cleared.

Either way, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Mistakes happen to all of us. Rectify it if you can, but don't fret if you can't.

If He Lived Alone, What Would He Do?

W. H. writes:

I think my husband thinks because I'm a girl that I have to do the majority of "women's work". How do I get him to see that we both have things to do around the house?

It might help if you stop referring to yourself - a grown-ass married woman - as a "girl", just for starters.

You should have discussed division of labor when you first moved in together. Yes, I'm assuming that you lived together before marriage; if you didn't, you should have discussed division of labor as part of your preparations for marriage. Since you didn't, you have to discuss it now.

If both of you work outside the home, full-time, you need an equal division of labor. Make a list of all the chores related to keeping the home - sweeping, mopping, laundry, cooking, mowing the lawn, washing the cars, painting the house, common repairs. Go through the list together and offer to do the chores you don't mind, or even enjoy (I love to cook, for example, and don't mind doing the laundry at all.). He should offer to do the ones he doesn't mind. For the ones leftover, decide if you can hire someone to do them for you (it may be worth it if you both hate them), and if not, if you want to alternate doing them, do them together, or draw straws or some other method for getting them done. This ensures all the chores are done, and no one feels resentment because they always get stuck doing the things they hate.

If one of you works part-time, it's perfectly reasonable to assume that one will do more in and around the house than the other. If you're a part-timer, your chore assignments will depend on your schedule: you might not be available to pull weeds on the weekends, for example, but you can throw something in the crockpot on weekdays so that the full-timer comes home to a nutritious meal. The part-timer can start the laundry if the full-timer folds it, etc., etc. There may be more chores the part-timer is expected to do, but "division of labor" should include the time spent working outside the home, as without it, there wouldn't be a home to care for.

If one of you doesn't work at all, then yes, the bulk of the work around the home falls to that one. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement; working inside the home is not demeaning or less necessary than working outside of it. It isn't out of the question for whoever works outside the home to expect that a stay-at-home-spouse (SAHS) will keep a clean, inviting, well-organized and tended home. The SAHS should take pride in this, as it is a job, just like any one outside the home is; the pay is in having time to do things together, and not fight about chores.

You will notice that nothing I've said here references gender. That's because gender doesn't matter. There is no such thing as "women's work". There is work outside the home and work inside the home, and both contribute to a functioning relationship and a fulfilling home life. If your husband fails to see you as a fully-realized human being in your own right, and insists upon treating you like a "girl", like some "other" because you're female, well, that's a different question altogether. Chores are chores are chores - none of those involved in keeping a home require a certain set of genitalia, and should never be treated as if they do.

In This Economy?!

Crying in my Cheerios writes:

I hate my job. If I quit, do you think that will give me the incentive to find something else since I'll have time to look? Sometimes things work out in a funny way, so maybe I'd find something during a time of desperation. Right now I am unfulfilled and ready to throw in the towel. A squirrel monkey could do my job, and they throw their own poop at each other.


I'm of two minds on this one. I've never stayed at a job I hated, so part of me wants to tell you to go ahead and quit. But, I've also never left a job without having another one lined up - not on purpose, at least; not with forethought.

So, no, I do not think that you should quit before finding something new, unless you're secretly independently wealthy and work only for fulfillment. Because even if you have savings, what happens if you burn through that two or six or twelve-month stash, and still don't have a job that thrills and completes you? You're fucked, that's what.

I also wonder why you think you should find so much reward in your job. It's my opinion that we should all work to live, and not the other way around. Work is a means to house, clothe, and feed yourself. It is not an end, but a means, and as such, why should it be fulfilling? I don't think you should stay somewhere full of toxic people, or where you are abused or mistreated in any way. But if what you have is just a job, and not the means to inner peace and enlightenment, well - that's as it should be. If a monkey could do it, you're getting off lightly, aren't you? You can save your energy for the activities outside of the office that will help make you a well-rounded, grounded, fulfilled human being.

No. Don't Do That.

Callie asks:
I want a baby but my fiance doesn't want kids yet. I am ready! We're gonna do it sooner or later anyway and we already live together and have good jobs. We're both in our 20's, so it's not like we're very very young. How do I get him to see that it's not so scary to have a baby now? I think if it just happens, he'll be okay with it, but I don't want him to be mad at me if I were to tell him it's okay not to pull out on a night that it's possible for me to get preggo.

Callie, Callie, Callie. The idea of you procreating is scary to me, so I'm going to have to side with your fiance on this one. You are not ready yet, not by a long shot. For one, you aren't married. For another, your FI isn't ready, and for third, you current plan involves lying to him. "We're gonna do it sooner or later" is not a valid reason to do it now. When you're in your 20s, a couple years can make a big difference in both personality and maturity. You obviously have a lot of maturing left to do, and your fiance is right to want to wait for that to happen before bringing children into the world.

Shouldn't you be busy planning a wedding right now? Focus on getting down the aisle, then start thinking about kids. Living together and having good jobs are not the only qualifiers for being good parents. One big one that you're missing is that both partners should be ready and willing to accept children. Sure, accidents happen and people adapt. But what you're planning isn't an accident. It's deception, and it's a terrible way to start a family. You and your fiance have a lot to work on before you should even think about having children.

We Totally Agree

Taylor asks:

Is there a way to ask someone on my friend list on FaceBook to be careful about what she posts? Every day it's another announcement declaring that this particular day she's going to stop letting people shit on her, or maybe it's the day she's down in the dumps and "If anyone needs a doormat, you have one in me!". It's getting rather pathetic, and if we're not reading about the things she should really be discussing with a therapist, we're reading about how big her breasts are or how much she spent on a tattoo and cannot pay her rent. Should I even bother saying anything or is UNFRIEND the way to go? In person I have no problem saying what is on my mind with her, even if she is sensitive about it. I just think there is a time and place for oversharing. FaceBook is not it.

Facebook has given birth to a whole new breed of oversharers and attention whores. Some people just don't seem to realize that the internet reaches everybody. So what do you do when you're inundated daily with poorly spelled rants about the government, emo whining, or potty training exploits?

It depends. First, you have to decide how important this person's friendship is to you. If you're BFFS 4 EVA! you should have no problem talking to the person and saying "Listen, I know you're going through a rough time right now, but every time you post about how so-and-so broke your heart, he wins a little bit harder." If they're a friend you see socially but aren't super close with, go with a more roundabout approach. Try "Don't you hate TMI status updates?" or "OMG, have you seen that site LameBook? People are so dumb with what they put on the internet!" You get bonus points for this one if you actually submit friend's douchy updates before you direct them to the site.

If it's someone you haven't spoken to since high school, or someone you're not comfortable speaking bluntly with, then your best option is to unfriend or block. It won't stop them, but you're not really responsible for their poor decisions anyway.

And while we're on the subject, here are a few tips to make sure none of our readers are guilty of Facebook crimes against humanity.

1. Before you post a status, think about whether you'd want it written on the front page of the New York Times. No? Well guess what, Facebook has a larger audience than the New York Times*, so you shouldn't put it there either.

2. No one cares about your child's poop. No one. Not even their grandparents. Stop posting about it.

3. The best revenge is living well. On that note:

3a. You are not teaching your ex boyfriend any kind of lesson by telling facebook what a jerk he is. You're just making yourself look pathetic, and your ex boyfriend will be glad he dumped you.

3b. Complaining about your life doesn't make people feel sorry for you. It makes people not want to talk to you, which is only going to lead to more complaining on your part. Knock it off.

4. Just say no to facebook chain letters. Do not repost if you love your kids/spouse/teacher/dog or if you support our troops/our government/some cause. If you cared that much, you'd take 5 minutes to write something original.

5. If you are going to post about something politically charged or otherwise controversial, make sure you know what you're talking about. Don't quote what you hear on TV until you've done enough research to have an intelligent discussion on it. When you post something people disagree with, you're going to get comments. You don't want to be the one who devolves the rhetoric to "Well if you cross the border illegally in North Korea you get shot."

6. Proofread. Also, text speak is not allowed. If you can't use the keyboard, get off the computer.

*made up fact, but it's probably true.

"When she wants something, she don't want to pay for it"

Stealy Dani writes:

Every time I go shopping, I feel compelled to grab something small and leave without paying. I am always worried that the next time will be the time I get caught, but it's just so darn easy. Oftentimes, I just go into dressing rooms and add a layer of free clothing underneath what I am already wearing. You know, as long as it doesn't have a sensor tag or sticker on it. I leave stuff in my food cart without paying. I try and go shopping alone because my fear is to bring someone and they get accused of stealing. Should I just try avoiding shopping for a while, or shop online?

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, and nothing I say herein should be taken to be expert advice from a trained mental-health professional.

First of all, Stealy, you asked the wrong question. Avoiding shopping or shopping online won't solve the problem. It may keep you from stealing for the immediate future, but you're not stealing because you're in need or because you're a career criminal, so avoidance won't stop the behavior forever. That said, YES, please stop stealing immediately if you can!

You need to see a trained therapist to deal with this. You may protest that you can't afford it, and there is an idea that therapy is very expensive, but it needn't be so. There are many counseling options available to you if your health insurance won't cover psychiatric care, or if you don't have health insurance. Many counselors work on a sliding fee scale, especially if they're connected to a free health-care clinic or other low-income health care resource. Google "sliding scale counselors" or "low-income therapists" to get yourself started. And if your insurance does cover it, huzzah! Take full advantage of that coverage.

The therapist should guide you through the reasons you steal, and work to address those issues with you so that you don't need to resort to petty theft to either stop the pain caused by those issues or to engender a high that helps you ignore the issues. Before you go into therapy, you can start to ask yourself why you steal. What makes you think you're entitled to have those things without paying? Does it make you feel smarter than the store staff to get away with it - as if you've put one over on them? Do you think the stores are ripping everyone off, and therefore it's okay if you do the same to them? Answering questions like those will help you and your therapist narrow down your reasons for shoplifting.

Persevere until you find a good therapist that you connect with. Refuse to see anyone who wants to refer you back to your primary care physician for a pill that will "fix" you. You will have to be a partner in your therapy, be an active patient and help the therapist help you. It might be a lot of work - but you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you put in the effort before the criminal justice system forces you.

Good luck. Please let us know how it goes for you.