Let's Try This Again

Unimportant was not too happy with Kate's response. Because I like to smooth feathers, and because our inbox is empty, I'm going to take another stab at this one.

Here's his comment:

OK, I'm sorry I said she isn't fat. Because now it's apparently not only wrong to call someone "fat", but "not fat" as well? How the hell is a guy suppose to get it right when everything is wrong? I only added the fact because any time I ask someone for advice on this the first thing they say is, "Well, IS she fat?" or if they know her, "Well, she COULD afford to lose a few pounds."

And I get the whole society thing, I'm out numbered so I shouldn't even bother. But WTF is this...

"You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman."

So now it's my fault because I find some people to be attractive and others not? I'm to blame because I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is? Aren't we suppose to be attracted to our partner? I don't get it.

Or maybe I do get it. Don't bother trying because you can never get it right. You'll always be wrong because you're just a stupid pig/dog/man.

Thanks, that helps. 

First, I'm not going to disagree with Kate's assertion that you're unknowingly contributing to the problem. That doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a victim of society the same way your girlfriend (and everyone except for Kate) is. It also doesn't mean you should stop trying.

To Kate's point, when you say things like "She is not fat as I define it," "She is sexy to me," and "I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is." You're making qualifications that imply that your opinion is different from everyone else's. Your girlfriend is hearing "Yeah, most people think you're fat but I don't care." As much as it sucks to admit it, when you stack your opinion against everyone else's, your feelings are less important, especially to someone who is self-conscious about their body.

So what can you do to change this? Drop the qualifiers. "You are beautiful." "You are sexy." "You look hot in that dress." Make comments about her appearance simple, declarative, universal statements. And don't just make them when she's complaining that these pants make her ass look big or this dress makes her look like a circus tent. Tell her when she least expects it.

The more you build her confidence, the less reliant she'll be on what other people think, and then you both win.

Thursday Quickies - Prize at the End!

Sherrie asks:

Does it matter if you leave the lumps in boxed cake mix or is it better to sift it before making a cake from a box mix?

In general, mixing the dry cake mix with the eggs and oil tends to take care of any stray lumps. If you want to make extra-sure you won't have weird spots in the finished cake, it can't hurt to sift the mix.

# # #

Callie writes:

I like to collect pocket knives and often bring them to work to cut up my fruit, usually my oranges. Plastic knives will not do the job. Sometimes it scares the people because it's considered a "weapon" but I have not used it nor have I tried to use it as a weapon per se. Only to cut the fruit, and that is while sitting at the table in the cafeteria during my regularly scheduled lunch hour.

As long as your workplace doesn't have a specific policy prohibiting weapons - including pocketknives - I don't see anything wrong with using yours as they were intended. Are you especially cruel to coworkers? I mean, they don't have a reason to think you might use a harmless Swiss Army job to eviscerate them, do they? You might need an attitude adjustment if they're afraid of you, but if they're just averse to any sort of implement that might possibly one day if circumstances were good be involved in violence, well, they need to man up.

# # #

Just Curious asks:

I think one of the managers here used to be a man but is now a woman. Of course I cannot ask. But I want to know how I can confirm my suspicions?

You can't. This is absolutely none of your business, end of story. And I won't dignify such rudeness by expounding further.

# # #

And an update from our favorite correspondent, Hater!

I wanted to update you on my sister and her boyfriend. She found out the boyfriend was talking to other girls and telling them he was not in a relationship, so she broke up with him. They are 16 and she is devastated. In the end I am glad they broke up, it's a life experience everyone probably goes through but I knew he was not great for her. So she is doing good and starting to hang out with her friends more than she was before even thought a few stopped talking to her because she had been spending all her time with this guy. But you live and learn. AND yeah hahaha, tell me if I'm jealous now. Teen relationships mostly don't last, but you can keep telling me I just never had a boyfriend and I am just jealous. Please. What great advice you people give. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, Hater, we missed you. Don't be gone so long next time, okay?

Allow Us To Clarify

Shmily asks:

How come in all of the advice you post, you place all blame on the poster? Is it because you don't know the whole story? I ask because I find it hard to believe that every single person who's written in for advice bears the entire responsibility for what they've written about. Even if you have to play devil's advocate, maybe once in a while believe that the OP didn't do anything wrong (like the shy person in the office for instance - being excluded hurts).

First, I will freely admit that in several cases we've found the question asker mostly to blame for their problem. I don't believe that's been the case for all or even most of our submissions.

In general we have less patience for writers who speak with vitriol and hatred about a person, especially when the perceived slight turns out to be minor. If we think your attitude is wrong, we'll let you know, often in harsh terms.

It's always possible we don't have all the information, but we can only base our answers on what we're given. There have been situations where we've asked our writers to comment with additional information, and we do post follow-ups from writers in order to provide the most complete story and the most correct advice.

Finally, our motto is, "You can't control other people's actions, you can only control your reaction to them." In the case of the woman who felt left out at work, I completely agree that being excluded hurts, and I absolutely don't think she did anything wrong. My point, however, was that her coworkers do, otherwise she'd be part of the group. Replying with "Being excluded hurts. Your coworkers are mean for not including you," doesn't really help. Our advice is not meant to place blame, but to provide the writer with positive steps they can take to change their situation.
  
We hope this helps you to understand where we're coming from. As always, we welcome all comments and encourage our readers to agree, disagree, or let us know when we've missed something. 

Head, Meet Wall

From our favorite correspondent!

Actually, I did articulate why I did not like them together. If you agree or disagree is one thing, but you're more intent on name calling. Sorry, sure it's your blog and you can say what you want but your advice doesn't come off as legit when your argument is "you're just jealous" or "you're a bitch". Who does that help? If this blog is meant for just entertainment, FINE. But if this is an advice column, how does that convince someone to listen to what you have to say?

Anyway, this is my reasoning. (AGAIN, you don't have to agree with my opinion, because I wasn't asking for that. I was asking for advice on how to tell them to slow things down. And yeah, they may be thinking of becoming sexually active, but I have no idea.)

"I think 15 is too young to spend every day with a boyfriend, and it's especially young to have to deal with a boyfriend who has a troubled home life. If my parents want to help him, that is their decision. She's not going to be with this kid forever, and when she does break up with him he'll be heartbroken. "

I'd like to point out that she did not let us in on her little "He'll be heartbroken!" reason for meddling until her second letter to us. Just as a point of fact.

And then another!

I would also like to know how worrying about my younger sister's well being makes me sound jealous.

If this is an advice column, hows about giving me tips on how NOT to be jealous, if that's what you actually think?

I don't think you people have younger isters or brothers so maybe you have no idea what it's like to worry about them. Or maybe you had troubled home lives and got immediately defensive when someone said it's not their problem!

While it's true that Christy and Kate don't have any younger "isters", Kate has three younger brothers, and Christy has three brothers and a sister. We do worry for our siblings - just not when they're being typical teenagers, and certainly not when our parents are in the home to oversee their upbringing.

That's the point I think you missed: You are not your sister's parent. It is not up to you to tell her how to live her life, or that she should kick this kid to the curb because you think they're too close. Her parents are alive, and well, and observing the situation firsthand. It is up to them to parent her, not up to you.

As for being jealous, well, perhaps if you focused more on your own life than on hers, you wouldn't have time to notice what she's up to and form an opinion on it. Try some new activities, make some new friends, take up a new hobby. (Preferably something calming, like knitting.)

Or, we can just give you the advice you want: Call up your sister and tell her that being with this kid is a terrible mistake, and she should dump him right now.

We'll be waiting for your follow-up letter asking why she eloped with him.