Dealing with Debbie Downer

Tired asks:

My friend has a chronic illness.  Her family is out of state and not very supportive.  I am her go-to when times get tough, which is all the time (going on five years now).  She is never, ever, ever having a good day.  If it isn't her illness, it is some other friend that has been insensitive to her or something going wrong at work, etc. When I have a hard day, she points out to me that at least I am healthy and makes me feel bad about ever venting my petty problems. When I or one of my kids are sick, she points out that at least we will get better and she won't.

She had a bad experience with counseling several years ago and is not open to trying to again.

I am getting to the point that I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone although I immediately feel guilty for that feeling.  Sometimes I feel like a very wet sponge, unable to mop up any more of her pain.

She was such a good friend before she got sick.  How can I keep being her friend without sacrificing my sanity?

Thanks

A few weeks ago, I published a question that was almost the exact opposite of your situation.
In that response, I said

I think there's a lot of pressure for people who are going through incredibly rough times to keep their spirits up. You want to be known as the one who always had a great attitude, not the person who constantly bitched and complained about what a raw hand they were dealt.

Obviously, this does not apply to everyone. It sounds like your friend thrives on pity, and it also sounds like her attitude has driven most everyone off but you. There's a good chance she's depressed, and I think you're right in that she needs counseling.

You're a good person for wanting to preserve this friendship. Not a lot of people would. Good for you for recognizing that however difficult she may be, she does need support. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, as you've already dealt with far more than is required of you. If you need to let her calls go to voicemail every once in awhile, so be it.

That said if anything is going to change, she needs to realize how her negative outlook is affecting her relationships. Not many people are willing to be blunt with someone like this; they'd rather just drop the friendship.

If you're going to confront her, you need to do it calmly and with empathy. Attacking her for always bringing you down will only make her see you as another insensitive person who's making her life worse. First sit down with her and tell her you're worried about her. Explain that you know she's had trouble with counselors before, and offer to help her find someone she can better connect with. Maybe packaging it differently will do the trick. If you know she won't take help from a counselor, suggest a life coach, a spiritual advisor, or hell, a psychic. At this point, anyone she can talk to that isn't you is a help.

As far as her not allowing you to have bad days, I'm of two minds. On one hand, you're likely blessed with far more friends and family than she has. Vent to people who understand and don't mind hearing it. That way she doesn't feel the need to fake concern for issues that she may consider petty, and you get the empathy you deserve for things you're entitled to vent about.

On the other hand, this is just another example of how her rotten attitude has driven people away, and maybe realizing this will help her bring some people back into her life. Try giving her a taste of her own medicine. Every time she starts a pity party, reply with "Well, hey, at least you're not [something worse]." Eventually she'll get the hint.