I'll Say It.

Kasey asks:

Hi.  How do I get my boyfriend to give me a promise ring?  We love each other sooo much but my friends don't believe it because he hasn't given me a ring yet.  They think I should leave him if I don't have a ring by the time school starts in the fall.  He says that he can't afford one, but he can afford to buy all kinds of stuff to trick out his truck.

Promise rings are dumb. Ignoring the fact that getting "engaged to get engaged" is completely meaningless, couples who are still in school have no business committing to anything further off than prom.

If you love him as much as you say, then your friends shouldn't have so much influence over your decision to stay or leave. If the ridiculous trinket is more important to you than the relationship, it's time to move on. 

Mom, I Get It Now

Elisalynn asks:

My 16 year old daughter wants her boyfriend to sleep over, and we are okay with it as long as he sleeps in the guest room because he lives 2 hours away. But she wants him to sleep in her room and insists they have a virtuous relationship. I want to keep it that way, by having him sleep in the guest room. She tells us that she will just go sleep at his house if he is not allowed to sleep in her room. How do we enforce our house rules since she is only 16?

The answer to this one is simple. You parent. This is your daughter, not your friend. It's not your job to make sure she's always happy and never disagrees with you on anything. It is your job to make sure she grows up knowing there are certain expectations she needs to meet and that she can't always get what she wants.

When she's an adult she won't be able to tell her boss that if he doesn't give her a raise she'll just stop doing her work. Because she'll get fired. Because her actions will have consequences.

Does she have consequences now? It doesn't sound like she does. You have good reason to believe (because she told you) that if she spends the night at her boyfriend's house she won't be following your rules. So you don't let her spend the night at her boyfriend's house. And you don't believe her when she tells you her plans changed and she's just staying at her friend Beth's house, either.

Only you know what kind of punishment will hit hardest for your daughter. Maybe it's spending every Friday for the next month babysitting her little brother. Maybe it's taking away the car. Whatever it is, you need to make sure she knows without a doubt that by defying you, she's choosing that punishment.


(We'll ignore the part about the 16 year old being a in a long-distance relationship. Shouldn't she be hanging out with boys from her own school, or at least her own town?)

 


 

Define "Private."

Debbie writes:


My 13 yr old daughter found my private photos on Face Book, and told me to remove them because there are a lot of racy photos on there. My hub and I like to take sexy pics of ourselves - there's nothing naked, but lots of lingerie and hands covering my nips. How do I explain that mommy is an adult and can do what I want because I am over 18? Everything is password protected but she had been using my computer without my permission which is a while nother issue. We have my private pc for the bedroom and a family room computer for everyone.

Wow, there are a lot of issues here. First and foremost, there is no such thing as "private photos on Facebook." If you have private pictures, please for the love of God take them off the internet. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but when you upload pictures to Facebook you and access them from any computer, not just the one the pictures are saved on. Your daughter may not have been using your computer when she found them.

We can get into a longer discussion about privacy settings, but if you don't even realize how the site works I don't have high hopes for your ability to navigate the more advanced features. Not to mention, any photo that can be defined as "racy" has no business being on the site no matter what your privacy settings are.

Your next issue is that your daughter is finding things she's not supposed to find. If your photos are password protected, as you say, and she's still accessing them, you need to change the password. If she's not supposed to be on the bedroom computer but she's using it anyway, you need to lock the bedroom, or make sure there are consequences for not doing as she's told. It's not your daughter's fault she found your pictures, regardless of how well you think you've protected them.

Finally, you want to know how to address the subject of the photos with your daughter. I don't think "Mommy can do what she wants because she's over 18" is the message you want to send here. This is one instance where age has nothing to do with anything. What you're looking for is more along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy are adults in a loving, consenting, legally binding relationship built on years of trust and respect. This is something we do privately, and it is our business." You're going to want to let your daughter know that while it's okay for you to have those pictures, it's not okay for her to go out and pose the same way for any dude with a camera, regardless of whether or not she's over 18.

You also want to make sure you're setting the right example for her to follow. Step one in this--and I can't repeat this enough--is GET YOUR BEDROOM PICTURES OFF THE INTERNET.

Head, Meet Wall

From our favorite correspondent!

Actually, I did articulate why I did not like them together. If you agree or disagree is one thing, but you're more intent on name calling. Sorry, sure it's your blog and you can say what you want but your advice doesn't come off as legit when your argument is "you're just jealous" or "you're a bitch". Who does that help? If this blog is meant for just entertainment, FINE. But if this is an advice column, how does that convince someone to listen to what you have to say?

Anyway, this is my reasoning. (AGAIN, you don't have to agree with my opinion, because I wasn't asking for that. I was asking for advice on how to tell them to slow things down. And yeah, they may be thinking of becoming sexually active, but I have no idea.)

"I think 15 is too young to spend every day with a boyfriend, and it's especially young to have to deal with a boyfriend who has a troubled home life. If my parents want to help him, that is their decision. She's not going to be with this kid forever, and when she does break up with him he'll be heartbroken. "

I'd like to point out that she did not let us in on her little "He'll be heartbroken!" reason for meddling until her second letter to us. Just as a point of fact.

And then another!

I would also like to know how worrying about my younger sister's well being makes me sound jealous.

If this is an advice column, hows about giving me tips on how NOT to be jealous, if that's what you actually think?

I don't think you people have younger isters or brothers so maybe you have no idea what it's like to worry about them. Or maybe you had troubled home lives and got immediately defensive when someone said it's not their problem!

While it's true that Christy and Kate don't have any younger "isters", Kate has three younger brothers, and Christy has three brothers and a sister. We do worry for our siblings - just not when they're being typical teenagers, and certainly not when our parents are in the home to oversee their upbringing.

That's the point I think you missed: You are not your sister's parent. It is not up to you to tell her how to live her life, or that she should kick this kid to the curb because you think they're too close. Her parents are alive, and well, and observing the situation firsthand. It is up to them to parent her, not up to you.

As for being jealous, well, perhaps if you focused more on your own life than on hers, you wouldn't have time to notice what she's up to and form an opinion on it. Try some new activities, make some new friends, take up a new hobby. (Preferably something calming, like knitting.)

Or, we can just give you the advice you want: Call up your sister and tell her that being with this kid is a terrible mistake, and she should dump him right now.

We'll be waiting for your follow-up letter asking why she eloped with him.

Bullies Suck

Sad writes:

I was bullied in grades 7 and 8 by two boys who constantly made fun of me because I was new to the school and I wasn't into fashion and hanging out on the corners like everyone else. I was recently friended by one of them on facebook, and I accepted. I soon deleted the person because I realize he wasn't going to apologize and I wasn't going to confront him. I considered that closure for me and went on with my happy life. 

The other day, I was given a friend suggestion by the OTHER kid who picked on me, but didn't try and friend request him or anything. I thought I put it behind me, the taunting and teasing, and basically feeling tortured every day for 2 years (it was a sick joke in my universe that the teachers always sat me between these two jerks)...I feel like I didn't do a good job at getting over it. 

Should I say something now? I feel like that would just be pathetic of me, because it happened when we were kids and life went on. I always think just get over it when I see adults confronting their childhood bullies on TV talk shows. But I don't think these two kids realize the damage they caused. I was very socially awkward for my 4 years of highschool because I never was able to be social in middle school. What do you think?


Sad,
I'm sorry you had such a horrible time in middle school. I don't necessarily think that either of these guys tried to contact you on facebook for any reason other than to collect friends. Facebook seems to have given everyone the feeling that they have the right and/or need to stay connected everyone they have ever known, whether that knowing was a good or bad experience.


Also keep in mind that bullying stays in the mind of the tormented much longer than it does the tormentor. These guys may not even remember how miserable they made you, or maybe they really thought they were just having fun at the time. Or maybe one or both of them liked you. Preteen boys are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and it's very common for them to turn to teasing when saying "hey, I think you're cute" has so much potential to damage their tender egos. What I'm trying to say is, try to look back on the situation with humor, and think about how the experience made you stronger rather than focusing on the damage it did.



You were right to unfriend bully number 1 and to ignore the suggestion of bully number 2. You were also right to go on with your happy life. I think that's what you should keep on doing. I agree that saying something won't solve your problem. Everyone involved has changed a lot since middle school, and two adult men likely don't have a lot to learn from a lecture about something they did when they were children.


If you feel the need to do something, make sure that you bring your own children up to know that bullying others is wrong, and teach them to stand up for themselves in the event that they are bullied. And if you really can't get over this, it may be time to look for a counselor or therapist. Remember that Kate and I are not licensed professionals. If you need real help, I encourage you to seek it.

And This Is Why We're Here

Hater wrote back:

Well it turns out you guys want to insult people instead of giving them truthful advice. NO I am not jealous. I think 15 is too young to spend every day with a boyfriend, and it's especially young to have to deal with a boyfriend who haas a troubled home life. If my parents want to help him, that is their decision. She's not going to be with this kid forever, and when she does break up with him he'll be heartbroken. No 15 year old kid needs that drama. BUT ha, your advice is to stop being a bitch because I didn't have a boyfriend when I was 15 and I probably still don't? You really wanna get legit with that advice? GOOD LUCK.

It's letters like this that make what we do worth it. Seriously, we love this stuff.

Hater, you do sound jealous, and your attitude will do nothing to help your sister or her boyfriend. So you can keep being angry and tell us we're wrong, or you can realize that regardless of how insulted you were by our advice, all we did was correctly point out that your attitude will get you nowhere.

You never once provided a legitimate concern about this relationship. Are you worried that they're sexually active? Are you concerned that neither one of them is branching out into other friendships/interests? You've said that her school work hasn't suffered, they don't go to the same school, and he's going to be gone for most of the summer. If it was a female friend hanging out at the house this often would you still be concerned? Why or why not?

When you properly articulate your concerns and make it clear that it's your sister you're worried about and not your particular black and white brand of right and wrong, then we won't be as quick to think you're complaining about nothing.

Tell your sister and her boyfriend that we hope they have a nice summer.