Question wants to know:
Is it tacky to give someone thank you notes and postage for part of a shower gift? I'm invited to a baby shower and I know parent's-to-be are sometimes overwhelmed with the amount they may need to do with work, and getting ready for the new baby. I think this would take care of the hassle of having to buy the stuff themselves, but if it is out of step I want to know. THANKS!!!
I'm going to go with yes. If I received thank you notes and postage as a gift, I'd take it as a suggestion that the giver doesn't think I'm capable of following etiquette without substantial help, and I'd be offended. Add to that, the trouble that most people have with thank you notes isn't paying for them, it's taking the time to write and mailing them, so your "gift" really isn't providing a substantial amount of help.
If you're this concerned about receiving a thank you for your gift, I suggest declining the invite to the shower and not giving anything. A gift should be given with no strings or expectations of anything in return, no matter how small.
This is not to say that thank you notes aren't necessary. It's insulting to spend time and money choosing a thoughtful gift just to have it go unacknowledged. It's up to you whether your desire to be thanked for your gift outweighs your wish for them to have nice things for their baby.
Oh, I don't know. I have been at showers before where people have received thank you cards with stamps, and they are always really thankful for them. New parents need all the help that they can get - and someone thinking ahead for them to get thank you cards (especially ones that match the decore of the shower) can be really thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteJust playing Devil's Advocate, but would you expect the receiver to say in the middle of their shower that they're offended by the gift? Of course the polite thing to do is to act really thankful.
ReplyDeleteMy rule of thumb in gift-giving is always this: how would I feel if I was on the receiving end? I personally would be offended to receive thank you notes, and therefore would never give them.
I'd enjoy getting a gift like that. Heck, you're saving the parents a buttload of money by buying them diapers, why not save them some more money and buy them postage? Even if they don't use it for the Thank You notes, they may use it for bills, and this still saves them a trip to the post office with a new baby to take care of. I am all for gifts that consider the person's time also. I think it's a short sided way to give advice if you're only going on what your own opinion is versus if it is truly an offensive gift/tacky in the world of Ettiquette.
ReplyDeleteActually, Anonymous, this is what in etiquette circles is referred to as a "Pygmalion" gift. It indicates that there is something wrong with the recipient that the gift intends to correct, and that is never polite.
ReplyDeleteEven if "Question" doesn't have that intent, this is still too close to those ridiculous "games" where you fill out your own thank-you envelope ("To save time!") or letting the hostess use pre-printed notes. They're all rude shortcuts to something that should be graciously done by a grateful guest-of-honor.
Not to mention the fact that in the US, at least, showers are generally held before the baby is born - usually by at least a couple of months. If the new family cannot find an hour or two to write thank-you-notes *before* the child is born, how will they ever find time to care for the child?!
GREAT ADVICE KATE! Informative, without being too judgemental of the original question!!
ReplyDeleteMy MIL's sister gave her a beautiful set of handmade thank you notes at her 25th anniversary party.. I think it was ok in that situation because it was a best wishes party only (a lot of people still brought gifts though) but also because both families really don't need anything (they are both very well off).. it was nice to get something useful and homemade. so it depends on your relationship with the person. i might do this for my sister or my best friend.
ReplyDeleteFor my SIL or certain friends, never. They would definitely think I was trying to make a point.