Let's Discuss Religion and Politics Instead

Claudia writes:

I grew up one of five kids in a less-than perfect family life situation. One of my brothers is married to an awesome girl - who grew up an only child in a very different (much more functional) family life situation. She and my mother see life so differently. She is a good mom - just a very different mom than my mother was/is. Here's my issue - whenever my mother comes to my home, she (and my dad) always bash my sil, saying what a horrible mother she is. I've tried sticking up for her, asking why they feel the way they do - and changing the subject. But it's the same thing each time they visit. It makes me wonder what they say when I'm not around! I need a sure-fire way to stop the conversation when they start this - because I really do care for my sil, and think that it isn't fair to judge her parenting style - whether they agree with it or not. Anyone who is a parent knows how hard it is - and unless you are neglecting your child (she isn't) no one should judge you. Do you have any good one liners to shut up my parents??

"This subject is closed."

Yes, it's direct, and it may be abrupt the first time you use it, but you've said you don't wish to have these discussions, and nothing else shuts them down. I think it's time to bring out the big guns - politely, of course, but firmly.

If you want to give a little more detail, you can: "Mom, Dad, I know you did things differently, but SIL's kids are wonderful, and I won't allow you to badmouth her in my home. Goodness, what do you say about me when you're at her house?" Hopefully they'll realize how bad they sound. If they don't: "This subject is closed." And then move on to how your kids are doing, or what new business is coming to town, or what movies you'd like to see this summer.

My husband and I have some rules for our daughter that our relatives find fault with, and there have been comments made. We used this technique to shut down that line of conversation immediately, because we just didn't care that So-and-So didn't like Daughter's name, or that Such-and-Such thinks we're foolish to deny her Disney movies. She's our child, and unless she's been abused, it's none of their business. Same thing goes for your SIL, and I applaud you standing up for her. She's lucky to have an ally in the family besides her husband.

Good luck!