The Bachelor Party

Izzabella writes:

My husband is going to be an usher in one of his old college buddy's wedding in a month and wants to go to the bachelor party, but the bach party is going to be a two-night trip over 4 hours away in a hotel with who knows what going on. If he was single, I can probably see why he'd want to go. But he's married (obviously, if he is my husband) and I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to participate in debauchery. I think that he should be the example and stay home with his family, maybe go to meet the guys for lunch or dinner the second night and then come home. He thinks that this is a tradition and he should participate because he's in the wedding and that is what the men do. But he won't tell me what they have planned because he said it's a bach party and women shouldn't be involved, I should just trust him. It's not that I don't trust him but I just don't think it's right for a married guy to spend a weekend pretending he's not married. How can I explain this to my husband without making it seem like I want him to not have friends??

I think, ultimately, your comfort with your husband's participation in this party comes down to what exactly will be going on during it--and he doesn't seem willing to tell you. That, to me, is a red flag.

So tell me, does "pretending he's not married" mean staying out until 4, getting drunk, and passing out on the bathroom floor? Or does it mean spending his last paycheck on lapdances? Because there's a big gap between the two.

Explain to your husband that his hesitation to tell you what they have planned doesn't warm you to the idea of his participation. Marriage is about openness, honesty and understanding. So try to compromise: if he can be open and honest about the plans, you can be understanding. If all they really want to do is drink beer and eat nachos, maybe you can let him hang out for a few days. If they want to see how many strippers they can get to sleeping with them in 48 hours, I can see why you wouldn't be too excited.

Probably the reality falls somewhere in between these two scenarios. So ask yourself. Is it okay for your husband to be in a strip club if he's not a participant in the festivities? Is the prospect of not being allowed to go emasculating to your husband? Do the two of you have that large of a disparity in values?

The key here is communication. Let him know exactly what you're not okay with, and why. And listen to him when he tells you what he wants to do with the guys and why it doesn't change how much he loves you. Once you're able to be clear with each other, you can come up with a solution that's acceptable for both of you.

I Bet High School Group Projects With Her Were Unbearable

Edwina asks:

I am cohosting a shower with my BFF because we are co-Maids of Honor at our mutual BFF's wedding. The shower planning is going off without a hitch, but my co-planner (I'll call her M) keeps complaining that we are doing everything on our own. Frankly, the shower is simple and already finished. We just have to show up the day of and make sure everyone has a good time. But I don't get her issue - a couple of the bridesmaids have offered their help if we need anything, and she turned them down. She said that they were only asking in vain and would probably not follow through if she accepted their help. I don't think there was much we could have let them help with anyway. She thinks that they should have stepped up and told us specifically what they would do for the planning and just do it rather than offer vague assistance. I told her to get over it, because she turned them away when they asked, and we didn't need them anyway.

Is M right, that the bridesmaids should be more involved?

No, M is not right. The only thing a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. Everything else is gravy. It's very gracious of you and M to host the shower, but it certainly wasn't a requirement for you, nor is it a requirement for any of the other bridesmaids to help out.

Of course, the other bridesmaids did offer to help, and M is the one who turned them down. She really has no right to complain. It's certainly not polite to tell the host of a party that you are going to take over some aspect, so her expectation that they should have "stepped up" is ludicrous. Perhaps what she really wants is "help" in the financial sense. In that case, at least she's doing right by not asking for it.

If they offer to help again, perhaps ask each to bring an appetizer or small dessert. I'm a firm believer that a party can never have too much food. If they don't ask again, that's fine, as they were already told--rightly so--that everything is taken care of.

If M continues to complain, point out to her exactly what you've written here, and ask her what exactly it is that she wants. Perhaps then she'll see your point.

Thursday Quickies!

Befuddled and Broke writes:

A friend asked me to organize a baby shower for her. My home isn't big enough to host the party, and I can't afford to host it in a restaurant. I discussed this with other friends who will be attending and the decision has been made to hold a no-host baby brunch where guests will be expected to pay for their own meal. If it is rude to ask guests to pay for their own meal and bring a gift, can I just ask them to lunch and then because it is in honor of the soon-to-arrive baby, people may use this as an opportunity to bring the mom a gift...or not? In other words, I won't call it a shower and won't list registry information. How should I word the invitation?

You shouldn't. You aren't hosting anything, so there's no reason to have invitations. If you want to organize a get-together at a restaurant, do so by phoning or emailing people. And make sure you tell them this is not a party, and there will be no host.

Be prepared, however, for your friend not to be very happy. She's grabby enough to ask someone for a shower, she'll be grabby enough to be disappointed that you refuse to be rude in order to give her one.

# # #

Jess asks:

My birthday has always been on a Friday but this year it is on Thursday. Why? Is this a leap year or something?

Wait, what? Your birthday has always been on a Friday? That's impossible. No single date stays fixed on a particular day of the week from year to year. From Wikipedia: "Not counting leap years, any calendar date will move to the next day of the week the following year."

So, yeah. I think you have larger problems than what day of the week your birthday falls on this year. Maybe you should have those looked at.

# # #

Nicole asks:

My husband likes the way smooth legs feel, so not only does he encourage me to shave my legs twice a day, he has also started to shave his own legs along with his underarms. He'll sit there while we watch TV and rub lotion along his own legs. Is this a sign that he might be gay?

No.

Honestly, I feel like we get an "Is he gay?" question once a week. And none of them involve the husband never having sex with the wife, or the wife finding him with his dick up some guy's ass.

The guy likes smooth skin. I honestly can't even imagine what random connection in your head links "smooth skin" and "gay", but whatever, he's not. At least, not based on your letter.

I highly recommend that you, and anyone who's been thinking of posting a letter like this, educate yourself about what homosexuality is. An organization like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) can give you the information you need, or point you in the direction of a reputable sex educator.

You've Gotta Fight! For Your Right! To Throw Awesome Paaaaaaar-Ties!

Fancy writes:

Is it weird to have index cards of conversation topics hidden in my purse when I go to my get together? I won't whip em out, but I am afraid I'll forget what I want to talk about!

Weird? Maybe. Brilliant? Definitely.

Anyone who's ever had a pang of social anxiety can surely identify with the fear of being unable to say anything intelligent, or of having the conversation stop dead entirely. I think a note card is a fantastic idea. In the best-case scenario, you'll never have to use it. In the worst-case scenario, dead silence falls over the room, but because you've just consulted your card in the loo, you know exactly how to save the day: "So, limited liability: Good or bad? Let's discuss!"

Good luck, and have fun!

# # #

Bernice writes:

How early would you send out shower invitations for a baby shower that needs the headcount 14 days prior to the event? Also, please recommend if you think it is sufficient to provide a phone AND email or if I should just need to provide a return phone number for RSVPs. Last question, are postcard invitations tacky? Thanks so much!

A month before the response date should be fine - or six weeks before the event. Make sure to make your respond-by date a few days before the actual count is due at the caterer so you have time to follow up with any response slackers. Providing phone and email gives people some extra leeway in responding, and with more options, you're likely to get more responses.

And I think postcard invitations sound great, as long as the postcards are in keeping with the theme of the shower or the personality of the guest of honor.

Have a great party!

The Spirit of Giving

Question wants to know:


Is it tacky to give someone thank you notes and postage for part of a shower gift? I'm invited to a baby shower and I know parent's-to-be are sometimes overwhelmed with the amount they may need to do with work, and getting ready for the new baby. I think this would take care of the hassle of having to buy the stuff themselves, but if it is out of step I want to know. THANKS!!!


I'm going to go with yes. If I received thank you notes and postage as a gift, I'd take it as a suggestion that the giver doesn't think I'm capable of following etiquette without substantial help, and I'd be offended. Add to that, the trouble that most people have with thank you notes isn't paying for them, it's taking the time to write and mailing them, so your "gift" really isn't providing a substantial amount of help.

If you're this concerned about receiving a thank you for your gift, I suggest declining the invite to the shower and not giving anything. A gift should be given with no strings or expectations of anything in return, no matter how small.

This is not to say that thank you notes aren't necessary. It's insulting to spend time and money choosing a thoughtful gift just to have it go unacknowledged. It's up to you whether your desire to be thanked for your gift outweighs your wish for them to have nice things for their baby.

At Brunchtime

Minerva writes:

What is the best time to have a brunch party? It's for a birthday party, and we want it classy.

I think you answered your own question here. Brunch can really only happen in the late morning/early afternoon, as it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. You can't have brunch at seven in the evening, so - yeah.

Somewhere between 9 am and 1 pm should be fine.

It's Not Your Party, But You Can Whine If You Want To

Jibba Jabba writes:

How do I tell mom I don't want her to invite her random friends to my shower? They aren't invited to the wedding, the wedding that I am paying for. I don't know these people. Or does she get to invite whomever she wants because she's chosen to host a shower?

You have two issues here, Jibba. First, no, you can't tell your mother whom to invite to a party she's hosting. She's the hostess; she makes the decisions.

Except when your second issue rears its head: No, she can't invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding. Ever. For any reason. It's tacky, it's gift-grabby, and it simply Shouldn't Be Done.

Both of you are in the wrong, here, so it's time to start over. Thank your mother for offering to throw you a shower, and then give her your wedding guest list. Remind her - gently, please! - that only those invited to the wedding may be considered to be guests at a shower, and that your guest list is final. This is the end of your input on the shower.

If your mother insists on inviting her friends, regardless of their being invited to the wedding, well, then she looks rude. Remember that you can only control your own actions and reactions. You can't make your mother do what you want; you can only guide her in the right direction and then let anything else roll off your back.

A note, here, on family throwing showers: I know I may get some comments that disagree with me, but I don't believe family throwing showers is rude anymore. It used to be that when a woman was living at home before her marriage, her getting a lot of stuff at the shower was of immediate benefit to the family, and therefore, it was tacky for them to be involved in shower-planning.

Considering that women should be out of their parents' home before they marry these days, I can't see how immediate family benefit when their grown child receives gifts, so the whole "mom throwing the shower" point isn't one of poor etiquette.

Just Don't Get The Clifford Ones

Cassie T. writes:

Trying to have a party for my husband, but feel like invitations are too grade school. Not everyone has access to internet, so evites are out. Aside from calling people directly, is there a preferred way to invite people to a simple birthday bash and require an rsvp, whether it's yes or no, to get an accurate head count for food? Is there a preferred timeline for all of this?????


Take a deep breath. Hold it. Let it out. Do that again.

Feeling more calm? Like, by four question marks' worth? Yes? Then let's begin.

Invitations are the only way to get a semi-accurate headcount for the party. There's nothing juvenile about  a nice little square of cardstock that says who, what, where, and when, and asks for a response. Don't use fill-in-the-blanks or anything with clowns, race cars, or balloons on it, and you'll be fine on that front. (For our other readers: Evites are perfectly acceptable for a casual occasion, in my opinion, if all your guests are tech-savvy and have access. Otherwise, yes, go with paper.)

Most caterers will give you a date by which they need your final count and your full payment or final balance due, usually 1-2 weeks before the event. If you're cooking yourself, use the same formula. Send your invitations 3-4 weeks ahead of the date of the party, request a response 1-2 weeks before, and use that extra 1-2 weeks to follow up with people who haven't responded (and there will be at least a few, trust me.).  Nail down your absolute final count within a few days of the party, and double-check your supplies (or check with your party supply provider) no later than the day before the party. If you're doing everything yourself, make sure you have everything you'll need ready to go the day before, so that the day of, all you need to do is set up, dress up, and party down.

Advice For the College Set

Anonymous asks:

How can I increase my drinking tolerance? I want to be able to become buzzed without getting sick right afterwards. I was thinking of drinking a little each day and gradually increasing the amount, but I don't know if that will make me alcolic. Thanks.

I can't decide if I'm highly amused, or highly concerned by this question. Let's get the annoying preachy stuff out of the way: drinking is generally bad for you. Getting better at drinking really isn't a good goal.

Phew. Okay. Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business. Drinking is fun. Being drunk feels awesome. Puking afterwards is not awesome. So the goal is to maximize the drunk feeling while minimizing the later effects.

Drinking more isn't going to help you. What you need to do is drink smarter (and more responsibly).

A quick Google search provided me with lots of tips for increasing your tolerance. Some were good, some not so much.

Drinkplanner.com and Crunkish.com both provide lists of things you can do. I've culled the best and the worst from these lists and a few others:

Do:

• Eat before you drink. Having a full stomach will slow the absorption of alcohol into your system. This will allow you to drink more before you start feeling tipsy, and will prevent the alcohol from irritating your stomach lining, which causes vomiting.

• Stay hydrated. Alcohol is a diuretic, meaning that when you drink you're actually losing more water than you're taking in. This is why you feel the need to pee every 10 minutes during a night of heavy drinking. Dehydration causes headaches, which are to me one of the worst hangover symptoms. Consuming at least 1 glass of water per serving of alcohol is a good ratio to keep.

• Pace yourself. When you start to feel tipsy, you might be tempted to drink more to make that feeling even better. You need to resist that urge. Find your sweet spot and maintain. The average person metabolizes about 1 drink per hour. So once you reach a nice pleasant buzz, reduce your consumption to keep the level of alcohol in your system consistent. If you notice you're starting to have trouble keeping your balance, slurring words, or can no longer taste the alcohol in whatever you're drinking, start cutting back. If someone else tells you you're cut off, respect the fact that they have a better understanding of how you're acting than you do right now.

• Avoid mixing drinks. When the night begins, decide if you're drinking beer, wine or liquor and stick to it. When you switch throughout the night your stomach is more likely to revolt against the combinations of sugars and acids and whatever else is in what you're drinking.

Don't:

• Drink more often. Sorry, your current plan of attack is not a good one. Sure, "studies say" that one or two drinks a day is good for your heart and could prevent cancer. But those benefits don't start to outweigh the risks until you're in your 40s.
  

• Boot and Rally. Yes, if you vomit up the alcohol that is currently in your system, you make room for more alcohol. But the goal here is NOT to get sick.

• Avoid mixed drinks. Yeah, liquor is going to get you drunker (and sicker) faster, but mixed drinks taste good. As long as you're following the "pace yourself," rule above drink what you want.

Happy drinking!