"Surprise" Pregnancy

Candida writes:

My husband and I talk about starting a family all the time, but can't ever commit to a start date. We've been married for over a year and the questions from family members are getting to us. Since we can't just get down and DO IT already, I would like to surprise him with a BFP. We've been having unprotected sex, but we avoid during my fertile time of the cycle and I know this because I chart. I was thinking of just going with the flow for a few months and we'll see what happens, and then he'll be super excited and surprised when I do finally become pregnant. I think the idea of actually trying makes him anxious, so that's why he's still not quite there yet physically even though he wants kids. SO anyway, when I do get pregnant, I wanted to think of fun ways to give him the news! Any ideas would be appreciative, I want him to be as happy as I am to have babies together!!!

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. No wait, I do. The best way to make sure he's as happy as you are to have babies together is to LET HIM BE IN ON THE DECISION.

Do not--DO. NOT.--surprise him with a BFP. Wanting children is not the same thing as wanting children now. Sure, there's never really a "right" time to have kids, but there sure as hell are a lot of wrong ones. When the only way your husband can be convinced is when you don't give him the choice? Wrong time.

While we're on the topic, there are plenty of good reasons to start a family. Because the questions from family members are getting to you isn't one of them. If someone is rude enough to bring it up, smile sweetly and tell them to mind their own business.

As far as dealing with your desire to start a family, try sitting down with him and having a serious conversation about when and why and how. Maybe he's he has a particular goal he wants to reach before you start a family, such finding a better job or owning a home. Maybe there's something he's always wanted to do that he thinks will no longer be possible once kids are in the picture, like traveling the world or starting a rock band. Address his concerns calmly and rationally, and make a plan together that helps you both reach your goals.

I won't even address fun ways to give him the news, because if you do it right, it won't be news to him.

Just. Don't.

Kissie Rose writes:

My stomach is pretty furry. I am pregnant with my second baby and realized that the hair on my tum tum is very obvious. I am getting maternity photos this time around, but am embarrassed for the amount of hair the photographer (and my husband!!!) will see! Should I get my stomach waxed or should I try a depilatory? Any suggestion is appreciated.

The best advice I can give you is not to get bare belly maternity pictures. Seriously. Don't do it. You're not even comfortable with the idea of your husband seeing your bare stomach right now. And even if you were able to get rid of the hair, how will you feel about stretch marks, varicose veins, and your inside-out belly button?

You can still get maternity pictures, just get yourself a cute maternity top (and pants!). Believe me, you will enjoy and appreciate them so much more, and you'll be able to share them with friends and family without ridicule.

Whoa Baby!

Hot and Bothered asks:

What can I do? My husband is never in the mood for sex, and it's been about a month since the last time we were intimate that way. He just is afraid that because I am pregnant, it is dangerous, even though he logically knows different. BUT I caught him in the livingroom 3 times in the past 2 weeks "molesting himself" (sorry!) while watching porn. SO I know he wants to have the fun, just not with me. I tried sexy outfits, I tried explaining that it's nt dangerous, so I guess it's just me? Does this mean I should be considerate and wait until after the baby is born and our sex life now is in the coffin? Or is there anything else I can do? I am starting to feel really self conscious, and not sexy at all, because I know my belly is getting in the way so it's a constant reminder that he just doesn't want me that way anymore.

First, you have nothing to feel self-conscious about. If your husband doesn't recognize the beauty of your pregnancy, then he has problems that are bigger than your sex life.

He may have a legitimate--though irrational--fear that needs to be dealt with. Since your assurances that sex is safe aren't getting through to him, try taking him to your next appointment, and have the doctor explain it to him. If that doesn't work, the doctor may be able to suggest other ways for him to get over his phobia.

More importantly, tell him how you feel. Again, if this is caused by a phobia, he may not realize that rejecting you is hurting your self-confidence. Talk it through and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

You may decide to wait until after the baby is born to have sex, but I wouldn't wait that long to talk. In the chance that his problem isn't actually motivated by fear, you're prolonging the issue. There's always a possibility that more excuses will pop up as time goes, so you want to deal with this now.

Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.

Lucie writes:


I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen? 


Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!


So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.


Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal. 


Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.


And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day. 


Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.

Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room

Rosalita asks:


Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?

I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).

Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.

Babies, Babies, Babies!

Mary writes:

My friend is newly pregnant, so I listen to her explode with joy over her news, rightfully so! It's an exciting time for her! But no matter what we are talking about, she manages to either bring up her pregnancy or change the subject to start talking about it. I don't think I can take another 7 months of this! How do I cope without turning and walking in the other direction when she passive-agressively brings up her pregnancy again? I mean, it's not like I am going to forget she's pregnant if 5 minutes go by and we don't talk about it.

Have you ever had something major happen in your life? Gotten married, moved far away for an awesome job - anything like that?

I can guarantee you talked about it all. the. time. I can guarantee your friends got bored with you, but they understood it was a temporary thing, and that you were really excited. They were probably happy for you, and knew that once your life calmed down, you'd have other things to talk about again. They knew, too, that when they had happy news, you'd grant them the same leeway.

Or would you? The fact that you call your friend's preoccupation "passive-aggressive" gives me pause, here. Is she not a very good friend? Is she generally self-centered? Are you?

Pregnancy is a big deal. It is consuming her world, and she may not have anyone else to share this with. I think you're entitled to be bored, and to want to dial it down a little. It's perfectly acceptable for you to steer the conversation away from pregnancy, every time she brings it up. Acknowledge what she's said, and move on. "That's fascinating, Sue. Did you see in the news that ...."

But don't be bitter or angry about this. If it really bothers you that much, you may need to let the friendship lapse - or look seriously at why that might be the case.

'Cause Girls Can't Catch and Are Bad at Math, Right?

Libby asks:

I'm pregnant and having a girl! My husband is not thrilled and is talking about when we should start trying again for a boy, and I'm still 3 months away from having this one! I'm trying to see how this birth goes before signing on for more. He suggested IVF for gender selection because he did some research for the next kid. How can I get him to see that he'll love the baby and the baby will love him no matter what we have?

It sounds like your husband is experiencing gender disappointment.  It's not terribly uncommon for men not to feel bonded to their children until after they are born. It's also possible that he has an easier time imagining a bond with a child of the same sex as he. Going as far as suggesting gender selection for your next child is heading into the extreme territory and would cause me some concern.

Start by talking to him. Ask him why he wants a boy, and what his fears are with relation to having a girl. Be supportive, and let him know that you're confident that he'll be a wonderful father. Ask that all discussions of future children and the possibility of pricy, non-medically necessary procedures be tabled until after you both get your sea legs with this baby.

If, after the baby is born, he continues to have trouble bonding or seems to resent your daughter, then it's time for counseling. I certainly would be hesitant to have more children with him if it meant risking having him favor one over the other.

The "Ooops" Baby

Amy writes:

Dear WYPF,

My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.

We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.

The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.

Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.

My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.

What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?

It gets more complex.

I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.

We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.

What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?

I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.

I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.

Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.

But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.

Not helping, am I?

You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.

However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.

You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.

Grandbaby Rabies

Grandbaby Crazy wants to know:


My son and his wife just told us that we're going to be grandparents, and WE COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!!!!!

But it feels like we're the only ones who are!

Our other sons didn't react like we'd hoped. We were hoping they'd ask us about our son's baby registry - we even had all the information handy, just in case they wanted to send a gift. And neither of them even asked! (I'm glad I had gifts already wrapped. I just wrote their names on them and presented them to their brother!!) 

I'm so hurt. It's like they don't care that their big brother has been blessed not only with a wonderful, enriched life and lovely wife, but also a new child. One son even told me that he wasn't going to have kids EVER!

It's like they're trying to hurt me. They know how much I need grandbabies! I'm so happy that my pride and joy is having a baby, but I'd love to have even more.

How can I get everyone else as excited about the new bundle of joy as I am? You're my only hope!

First off, congratulations on your new grandchild. For many people, new babies are extremely exciting, and this is definitely going to be a wonderful time for you, your son, and your daughter-in-law.

For other people, the excitement doesn't really happen until the baby arrives. If your daughter-in-law is still early in her pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised that gifts weren't the first thought to enter your other sons' minds. While it was nice of you to want to "help" by choosing and wrapping gifts for them to give, unless they asked you to do so it really wasn't your place. Have you set up an expectation for your older son that all his brothers want to do is shower him and his wife with gifts? That's really not fair to anyone. You are entitled to give this child everything and anything you want, but make it from you.

As far as wanting more grandchildren, slow down and enjoy the gifts you do have. Greed isn't becoming on anyone. Whether and when to have children is a very personal decision to be made ONLY by the couple having the child. They may want to wait until they're more financially stable. They may have decided that parenthood isn't for them. Or, they may not be able to have children, and constantly hounding them will only add to their pain. Their situations and choices have nothing to do with you and are none of your buisness. 

 

So cuddle the new baby, count your blessings, and keep your mouth shut. 

Oh, I Was Supposed to Keep Those Vows?

Name Withheld writes:

I cheated on my husband and now I am pregnant, and I am not sure if there is a chance it may not be his, we weren't even trying for a baby! How do I break the news, he's so happy for a new baby? The two guys look alike so I may be able to keep this to myself for a while, right?

If you want to save your marriage, shut your mouth.

Yes, that's right. Don't say a damn thing. Your husband is excited about this child; he wants to be a loving, functional family. You don't know that it's the other man's baby, and it might not be, so stop the affair and shut up. The only thing you'll accomplish by confessing is breaking up your family and spreading the guilt around. It won't make your husband's life better. (It might make the baby's life better, but that's only if you do the right thing and give it up for adoption instead of raising it by yourself.)

And then solve the problems that led you to cheat in the first place. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, that those problems are fixable. If you're just a terrible human being who cheats for fun, then yes, you should tell your husband - right before you divorce him and give the baby up for adoption. If you're the most important thing in your world, there is no room for husband or child, and you do them both a disservice to pretend you care when you don't.

I hope you shape the fuck up after this. I really hope you do what's best for that child. I have to say, I'm not holding my breath on either count, so I'll end with this: Invest in a box of fucking condoms.

Two For Price Of One

Michele has two questions:

Can you get crabs while you are pregnant? I don't mean the kind you eat such as blue crab or king crab, but the genital kind. Thanks!

Also, can you eat crab when you are pregnant? For this question, I DO mean blue crab or king crab. Thanks.

And the answer to both questions is yes.

Pregnancy does not make you immune to STIs. If you can catch it when you're not pregnant, you can catch it while you are pregnant.

Cooked crabs (I hope you woudn't eat them raw) are perfectly fine during pregnancy. It's uncooked shellfish, such as oysters, that you want to avoid. The Mayo Clinic offers this list of foods that should not be eaten during pregancy.

No. Don't Do That.

Callie asks:
I want a baby but my fiance doesn't want kids yet. I am ready! We're gonna do it sooner or later anyway and we already live together and have good jobs. We're both in our 20's, so it's not like we're very very young. How do I get him to see that it's not so scary to have a baby now? I think if it just happens, he'll be okay with it, but I don't want him to be mad at me if I were to tell him it's okay not to pull out on a night that it's possible for me to get preggo.

Callie, Callie, Callie. The idea of you procreating is scary to me, so I'm going to have to side with your fiance on this one. You are not ready yet, not by a long shot. For one, you aren't married. For another, your FI isn't ready, and for third, you current plan involves lying to him. "We're gonna do it sooner or later" is not a valid reason to do it now. When you're in your 20s, a couple years can make a big difference in both personality and maturity. You obviously have a lot of maturing left to do, and your fiance is right to want to wait for that to happen before bringing children into the world.

Shouldn't you be busy planning a wedding right now? Focus on getting down the aisle, then start thinking about kids. Living together and having good jobs are not the only qualifiers for being good parents. One big one that you're missing is that both partners should be ready and willing to accept children. Sure, accidents happen and people adapt. But what you're planning isn't an accident. It's deception, and it's a terrible way to start a family. You and your fiance have a lot to work on before you should even think about having children.

Who does that at work?

Anon writes:

I walked in on my director in the ladies’ room taking a pregnancy test at work during lunch. She was flustered, and I pretended not to notice. Don’t know the outcome; I went into a stall and peed like I had originally intended. Do I say anything?

My motto is this: What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom. I mean, if you walked in and realized she'd left that God-awful smell, you wouldn't mention it, would you? (The correct answer here is No.) I personally can't imagine needing to know I'm pregnant - or not - so badly that I simply cannot wait a few hours to pee on sticks at home, but hey, whatever lifts your luggage.

And it's not simply a matter of common etiquette, either. What good would come of asking after the results of the test? Unless your director routinely shares information with you about her reproductive status, I can't imagine that this is any of your business. It wouldn't be if you were social acquaintances, and certainly the workplace is no place for discussions of fertility.