You Get What You Give

B asks:

I have 6 coworkers all female. We started at the same time, and are very friendly. Some, more than others. I, being, the others. They never acknowledge my birthday in the 5 years we've all worked together, even though it's in a quick reference file that all of our birthdates are in. But they very obviously plan to celebrate for each other. Last week, one of the ladies was out of the office, and the other 5 started to privately/openly plan who was bringing in what for a lunch they were planning. They did not purposely exclude me, but they did not include me. For instance, as we're all working independantly, coworker 1 would whisper "I am bringing chips and salsa, what do you want to bring?" to coworker #2. Again, not on purpose, but they said it loud enough that I heard but softly enough that I was not part of the conversation. So today they are all having their lunch, and when I saw them all unpacking what they brought, one of them said, "Oh you're more than welcome to have some!". But I didn't because it feels weird to not have brought anything in myself.

So should I say something, should I not say anything and let it go? Or should I chime in next time and include myself? I'm not one to impose on others, but I think it's odd we all work so closely together and I am not acknowledged as part of the group.

Sometimes shyness is interpreted as standoffishness. It's possible your co-workers don't include you because of a vibe you're giving off. Sometimes it doesn't take much. Turning down a lunch invite once or twice because you're busy may be interpreted by them as you preferring to eat alone. It sounds like you don't get involved when they're planning birthday celebrations for each other. If that's the case, you really can't blame them for not going out of their way for you.

It's hard to jump into an established group of friends without feeling like an outsider. Choose one or two of the women that you feel most comfortable with, and start making a more of an effort to connect. Ask if they want to try the new sandwich place across the street with you, or suggest a mid-afternoon ice cream break. As you get closer, that person will hopefully keep you in mind when the rest of the group is planning something.

If they don't think of you, don't be afraid to speak up. The next time you hear of something being planned, mention that you have an awesome brownie recipe and offer to bring them in. Better yet, if you know someone has a birthday coming up, be proactive and ask someone what the plans are.

Just keep in mind that friendship is something you have to work for. Good luck.