Friendly Neighborhood Spiderwoman writes:
My friend is being verbally abused by her husband, but she doesn't see it that way. He tells her that she is useless, he is smarter than she is, she needs to do more around the house because she's a woman, etc.. That may not sound bad, but he will tell her that he doesn't know why he married her and that he can't stand to think of having sex with her when they get into a fight. She says that he doesn't mean the things he says, and that when he's not angry or saying these things, he's a really good guy so she lets it go. So do you think this is verbal abuse, or do you think I am overreacting because it's not my business to know what really goes on in their marriage? My wedding is coming up and I know they will be there because she's a really close friend, but I am having a hard time looking him in the face and not calling him out on his jerky behavior. I know I have to invite him since they are married, but I hate this guy for treating my friend so bad.
First, I'd like to link to two articles about the signs of emotional abuse, for anyone reading this who might need such a resource: one from Psychology Today, and one from HelpGuide.org. Both have solid information about emotional and physical abuse in relationships. If you need immediate help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 9-1-1 for police intervention.
Now, onto your specific issues, Spidey, and there are plenty.
You have the etiquette of the situation correct. You can't really say anything to him unless he unleashes in front of you. If he does, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say something like "Wow, I can't believe you just said that." or "Did that really come out of your mouth?" in an icy and astonished tone. At the very least, he'll be reminded that he is in public, and shouldn't make a scene. You also can't fail to invite him to your wedding, no matter how much that sucks. Just keep in mind that you'll have a thousand other things to focus on that day: his presence won't really have time to affect you amidst all the other activity of a wedding.
But etiquette doesn't cover how you should react as a friend. While you're right that no one ever knows what goes on inside a marriage, I do think that you can get a good idea. If you've witnessed Mouthy Husband getting emotionally rough with your friend, I think you have his measure. In this case, I would make it clear to your friend that it is, indeed, abuse, and that you're there for her if she wants to get out.
If you've only formed your opinion from hearing her complaints, however, the situation gets a little dicier. Your friend may just be letting off steam, or exaggerating for effect, or whining because she fills some need of hers by being a victim. If this is the case, I think it's fair to tell her that you'll absolutely help her get out if she wants to, but you're done listening to her bragging about her husband's bad behavior. While no case of potential abuse should be completely ignored, you know your friend best, and you know if she's just ginning up drama for the sake of drama. It happens. Making it clear that you're willing to support her leaving the marriage lets her know that you do take her seriously; refusing to listen to whining lets her know that you also take emotional abuse seriously, and she shouldn't make her husband sound like an abuser if he's not.
It's a delicate situation. The best you can do is make clear to your friend that her husband's behavior - or her stories of it - is raising red flags in everyone's mind, and that she has options to preserve her safety and sanity. Good luck.
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