You Can Start By Telling Him Christmas Trees Aren't Christian

Janice writes:

I am Christian and my husband is Jewish. I always celebrated Christmas and have a tree every year. All of the sudden this week my husband tells me that he finds having a tree offensive and does not think it is appropriate to have in our home! And then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I should convert to Judaism because we're married now and he is not sure he wants kids with me until then! This is news, we celebrate our one year anniversary this year, our different religions never cause a problem before because neither of us are devout religious people. I go to church regularly and celebrate my main Christian holidays with my family, he doesn't even keep Kosher. Is a Christmas tree really that big of a deal to have if you're not Christian? It's just pretty to look at.

Janice, what you have here is a bait-and-switch.

Your husband was fine with dating an observant Christian, proposing to an observant Christian, and marrying an observant Christian - but now you're not good enough to have kids with? Now he expects you to suddenly become Jewish?

You need to sit down with him and ask where this is coming from. Is he concerned about passing on his culture? Is he getting family pressure to raise Jewish kids? Nothing happens in a vacuum, and if he's been accepting of your faith up until now, you can be sure that something has changed with him to make him change his mind.

If you didn't discuss religion before you married, why the hell not?! This is a big issue, especially as kids come into the mix. Many new parents gravitate back to the faith they grew up in, wanting to give their kids the same background they themselves had. It's part of the reason many faiths frown on mixed-faith marriages, and some sects prohibit them altogether: it can be confusing for children to try to reconcile contradictory doctrines. Not to mention that every religion holds that it is the only way to salvation: how can you teach kids that each is equally valid, when the tenets of the faiths themselves maintain otherwise?

If your husband refuses to let this go, I would try a few sessions with a counselor experienced with mixed-faith couples. If he still won't drop it, you may simply have to divorce. This certainly falls under the "irreconcilable differences" umbrella. Definitely do not have children until you've resolved this issue: adding kids to the mix will only exacerbate the problem as you face baptism vs. bris; Sunday school vs. Hebrew school.

Good luck.