Erica writes:
An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook. Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me. I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently. We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.
When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again. I hope your life is good." He didn't write back. A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding. In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.
So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding. He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.
Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding? I feel sorry for his new wife. No bride should have to be a runner-up.
What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.
You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me.
Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies.
Stay out of it.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sure You're Not
Perplexed writes:
My best friend is currently dating a stupid little twit who frankly is a complete waste of oxygen. To clarify, my feelings have nothing to do with jealousy. I have no desire to be anything more than friends with him. However it annoys me greatly to see him being taken advantage of and even more that he's too dense to pick up the fact that she is using him. Is there any tactful way to tell my friend that his girlfriend has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that he can and should do much much better?
Methinks thou doth protest too much.
Why does this bother you so much? If he's a twit, what do you care if he's taken advantage of? (For that matter, why are you friends with him?)
The fact is, you don't actually know what he knows. He may be fully aware of the one-sidedness of the relationship, and simply not care. He may not actually care as much about your best friend as if appears.
No one outside a relationship really knows what goes on inside it, and it's none of your business. Likewise, it's not your job to fix this guy's life, especially when you can't even be sure anything's broken.
I think you need to take a look at yourself, and why this bothers you so much. I mean, it's his life; it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Are you, in fact, jealous, and in denial? Does this strike some particular chord with you - did you have a similar experience, and are still not over it?
It's time to stop meddling and start soul-searching.
My best friend is currently dating a stupid little twit who frankly is a complete waste of oxygen. To clarify, my feelings have nothing to do with jealousy. I have no desire to be anything more than friends with him. However it annoys me greatly to see him being taken advantage of and even more that he's too dense to pick up the fact that she is using him. Is there any tactful way to tell my friend that his girlfriend has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that he can and should do much much better?
Methinks thou doth protest too much.
Why does this bother you so much? If he's a twit, what do you care if he's taken advantage of? (For that matter, why are you friends with him?)
The fact is, you don't actually know what he knows. He may be fully aware of the one-sidedness of the relationship, and simply not care. He may not actually care as much about your best friend as if appears.
No one outside a relationship really knows what goes on inside it, and it's none of your business. Likewise, it's not your job to fix this guy's life, especially when you can't even be sure anything's broken.
I think you need to take a look at yourself, and why this bothers you so much. I mean, it's his life; it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Are you, in fact, jealous, and in denial? Does this strike some particular chord with you - did you have a similar experience, and are still not over it?
It's time to stop meddling and start soul-searching.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday Quickies!
Jannie writes:
My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?
I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine.
Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!
My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?
I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine.
Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!
# # #
Susie asks:
Why do we say "a pair of panties" when there is only one article of clothing to which we are referring?
For the same reason we say "a pair of pants" - we have two legs, the garment has two leg holes, and we naturally turn these things into plurals.
More specifically, because it's a derivation of a word (pants) that has no singular form, also called a plurale tantum.
# # #
Ashamed And In Love writes:
My husband is very open to experimentation in the bedroom and for that I am happy because he loves fooling around. Lately he's asked if I would dominate him because he's curious, and if I wanted to use a strapon to teach him a lesson. I am not comfortable with this, and it makes me wonder if he has gay tenancies since he wants me to use a device to simulate gay sex acts on him. Please help.
If he owns rental properties and gay people pay him to live there, then yes. He has "gay tenancies".
If you're asking if your husband is gay because he wants to experiment? I refer you to my archives.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Googling is the New Eavesdropping
R asks:
I happened to find some stuff a supposed "friend" said about me on the internet. I was playing with Google, looking up my name, my boyfriend's name, etc. to see if things like facebook come up, and I put in my close friend's name. We arae not besties, but we're pretty close and talk almost on a daily babsis. If not on the phone, then by email. Well, I found out that she's been saying things on a forum using a name that pretty much gives herself away and also uses her signature pic as a pic of herself so I know it's her. She has told some things about me that I felt were confidential, and NEVER thought she'd tell them to anyone let alone the internet. I know what you put online is public info these days, but I thought you can still confide in a good friend. Hopefully no one we mutually know sees what she has said but just like I found her, to me there's always a chance someone else did and these things she is talking about are embarassing and personal.
I also by the way, found out some pretty disgusting personal things about her and her husband's relationship that have to do with their sex life from her posting it online. I want to know if I should confront her, or let it go? What should I do!!
Let's not pretend you stumbled upon this stuff accidentally. Unless she's using her full first and last name as her handle on an internet forum*, your search went beyond just typing her name into Google. What were you hoping to discover, and why? It sounds to me like regardless of how often you talk, you aren't actually very good friends.
Her sex life is none of your concern. Her choice to share it with the internet at large is also none of your concern. In that regard, you have nothing to confront her about.
The personal info she shared about you is your concern. If you want the stories removed, you're within your rights to confront her. Simply let her know that you found what she said about you online, and you'd appreciate it if she'd delete those posts because you'd rather not have personal identifying information out there. Understand that she will likely be embarrassed for having been caught, and could take that embarrassment out on you. So, confronting her has the potential to be friendship-ending. It doesn't really seem to me like this is a friendship worth saving anyway.
*If she is, in fact, using her full name on an internet forum, this is a whole different problem. In this case, you're going to want to point out to her the dangers of having too much personal information available online. Remind her that everything she writes can be easily found by family, friends, and potential employers.
I happened to find some stuff a supposed "friend" said about me on the internet. I was playing with Google, looking up my name, my boyfriend's name, etc. to see if things like facebook come up, and I put in my close friend's name. We arae not besties, but we're pretty close and talk almost on a daily babsis. If not on the phone, then by email. Well, I found out that she's been saying things on a forum using a name that pretty much gives herself away and also uses her signature pic as a pic of herself so I know it's her. She has told some things about me that I felt were confidential, and NEVER thought she'd tell them to anyone let alone the internet. I know what you put online is public info these days, but I thought you can still confide in a good friend. Hopefully no one we mutually know sees what she has said but just like I found her, to me there's always a chance someone else did and these things she is talking about are embarassing and personal.
I also by the way, found out some pretty disgusting personal things about her and her husband's relationship that have to do with their sex life from her posting it online. I want to know if I should confront her, or let it go? What should I do!!
Let's not pretend you stumbled upon this stuff accidentally. Unless she's using her full first and last name as her handle on an internet forum*, your search went beyond just typing her name into Google. What were you hoping to discover, and why? It sounds to me like regardless of how often you talk, you aren't actually very good friends.
Her sex life is none of your concern. Her choice to share it with the internet at large is also none of your concern. In that regard, you have nothing to confront her about.
The personal info she shared about you is your concern. If you want the stories removed, you're within your rights to confront her. Simply let her know that you found what she said about you online, and you'd appreciate it if she'd delete those posts because you'd rather not have personal identifying information out there. Understand that she will likely be embarrassed for having been caught, and could take that embarrassment out on you. So, confronting her has the potential to be friendship-ending. It doesn't really seem to me like this is a friendship worth saving anyway.
*If she is, in fact, using her full name on an internet forum, this is a whole different problem. In this case, you're going to want to point out to her the dangers of having too much personal information available online. Remind her that everything she writes can be easily found by family, friends, and potential employers.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
That's Not Your Problem
Stef writes:
My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?
So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?
Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.
The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.
You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies.
Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him?
Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?
If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.
If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes.
This is no way to live. So stop living it.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?
So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?
Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.
The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.
You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies.
Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him?
Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?
If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.
If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes.
This is no way to live. So stop living it.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Babies, Babies, Babies!
Mary writes:
My friend is newly pregnant, so I listen to her explode with joy over her news, rightfully so! It's an exciting time for her! But no matter what we are talking about, she manages to either bring up her pregnancy or change the subject to start talking about it. I don't think I can take another 7 months of this! How do I cope without turning and walking in the other direction when she passive-agressively brings up her pregnancy again? I mean, it's not like I am going to forget she's pregnant if 5 minutes go by and we don't talk about it.
Have you ever had something major happen in your life? Gotten married, moved far away for an awesome job - anything like that?
I can guarantee you talked about it all. the. time. I can guarantee your friends got bored with you, but they understood it was a temporary thing, and that you were really excited. They were probably happy for you, and knew that once your life calmed down, you'd have other things to talk about again. They knew, too, that when they had happy news, you'd grant them the same leeway.
Or would you? The fact that you call your friend's preoccupation "passive-aggressive" gives me pause, here. Is she not a very good friend? Is she generally self-centered? Are you?
Pregnancy is a big deal. It is consuming her world, and she may not have anyone else to share this with. I think you're entitled to be bored, and to want to dial it down a little. It's perfectly acceptable for you to steer the conversation away from pregnancy, every time she brings it up. Acknowledge what she's said, and move on. "That's fascinating, Sue. Did you see in the news that ...."
But don't be bitter or angry about this. If it really bothers you that much, you may need to let the friendship lapse - or look seriously at why that might be the case.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I Bet High School Group Projects With Her Were Unbearable
Edwina asks:
I am cohosting a shower with my BFF because we are co-Maids of Honor at our mutual BFF's wedding. The shower planning is going off without a hitch, but my co-planner (I'll call her M) keeps complaining that we are doing everything on our own. Frankly, the shower is simple and already finished. We just have to show up the day of and make sure everyone has a good time. But I don't get her issue - a couple of the bridesmaids have offered their help if we need anything, and she turned them down. She said that they were only asking in vain and would probably not follow through if she accepted their help. I don't think there was much we could have let them help with anyway. She thinks that they should have stepped up and told us specifically what they would do for the planning and just do it rather than offer vague assistance. I told her to get over it, because she turned them away when they asked, and we didn't need them anyway.
Is M right, that the bridesmaids should be more involved?
No, M is not right. The only thing a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. Everything else is gravy. It's very gracious of you and M to host the shower, but it certainly wasn't a requirement for you, nor is it a requirement for any of the other bridesmaids to help out.
Of course, the other bridesmaids did offer to help, and M is the one who turned them down. She really has no right to complain. It's certainly not polite to tell the host of a party that you are going to take over some aspect, so her expectation that they should have "stepped up" is ludicrous. Perhaps what she really wants is "help" in the financial sense. In that case, at least she's doing right by not asking for it.
If they offer to help again, perhaps ask each to bring an appetizer or small dessert. I'm a firm believer that a party can never have too much food. If they don't ask again, that's fine, as they were already told--rightly so--that everything is taken care of.
If M continues to complain, point out to her exactly what you've written here, and ask her what exactly it is that she wants. Perhaps then she'll see your point.
I am cohosting a shower with my BFF because we are co-Maids of Honor at our mutual BFF's wedding. The shower planning is going off without a hitch, but my co-planner (I'll call her M) keeps complaining that we are doing everything on our own. Frankly, the shower is simple and already finished. We just have to show up the day of and make sure everyone has a good time. But I don't get her issue - a couple of the bridesmaids have offered their help if we need anything, and she turned them down. She said that they were only asking in vain and would probably not follow through if she accepted their help. I don't think there was much we could have let them help with anyway. She thinks that they should have stepped up and told us specifically what they would do for the planning and just do it rather than offer vague assistance. I told her to get over it, because she turned them away when they asked, and we didn't need them anyway.
Is M right, that the bridesmaids should be more involved?
No, M is not right. The only thing a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. Everything else is gravy. It's very gracious of you and M to host the shower, but it certainly wasn't a requirement for you, nor is it a requirement for any of the other bridesmaids to help out.
Of course, the other bridesmaids did offer to help, and M is the one who turned them down. She really has no right to complain. It's certainly not polite to tell the host of a party that you are going to take over some aspect, so her expectation that they should have "stepped up" is ludicrous. Perhaps what she really wants is "help" in the financial sense. In that case, at least she's doing right by not asking for it.
If they offer to help again, perhaps ask each to bring an appetizer or small dessert. I'm a firm believer that a party can never have too much food. If they don't ask again, that's fine, as they were already told--rightly so--that everything is taken care of.
If M continues to complain, point out to her exactly what you've written here, and ask her what exactly it is that she wants. Perhaps then she'll see your point.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday Quickies!
Befuddled and Broke writes:
A friend asked me to organize a baby shower for her. My home isn't big enough to host the party, and I can't afford to host it in a restaurant. I discussed this with other friends who will be attending and the decision has been made to hold a no-host baby brunch where guests will be expected to pay for their own meal. If it is rude to ask guests to pay for their own meal and bring a gift, can I just ask them to lunch and then because it is in honor of the soon-to-arrive baby, people may use this as an opportunity to bring the mom a gift...or not? In other words, I won't call it a shower and won't list registry information. How should I word the invitation?
You shouldn't. You aren't hosting anything, so there's no reason to have invitations. If you want to organize a get-together at a restaurant, do so by phoning or emailing people. And make sure you tell them this is not a party, and there will be no host.
Be prepared, however, for your friend not to be very happy. She's grabby enough to ask someone for a shower, she'll be grabby enough to be disappointed that you refuse to be rude in order to give her one.
# # #
Jess asks:
My birthday has always been on a Friday but this year it is on Thursday. Why? Is this a leap year or something?
Wait, what? Your birthday has always been on a Friday? That's impossible. No single date stays fixed on a particular day of the week from year to year. From Wikipedia: "Not counting leap years, any calendar date will move to the next day of the week the following year."
So, yeah. I think you have larger problems than what day of the week your birthday falls on this year. Maybe you should have those looked at.
# # #
Nicole asks:
My husband likes the way smooth legs feel, so not only does he encourage me to shave my legs twice a day, he has also started to shave his own legs along with his underarms. He'll sit there while we watch TV and rub lotion along his own legs. Is this a sign that he might be gay?
No.
Honestly, I feel like we get an "Is he gay?" question once a week. And none of them involve the husband never having sex with the wife, or the wife finding him with his dick up some guy's ass.
The guy likes smooth skin. I honestly can't even imagine what random connection in your head links "smooth skin" and "gay", but whatever, he's not. At least, not based on your letter.
I highly recommend that you, and anyone who's been thinking of posting a letter like this, educate yourself about what homosexuality is. An organization like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) can give you the information you need, or point you in the direction of a reputable sex educator.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The Tagalong
Lisa asks:
I can't stand my friend's new boyfriend but I will never tell her this. But the only have been going out for about 10 months and he's practically living with her. He doesn't help her financially I assume because whenever I ask her to do anything she complains she has no money, and tells me how lucky I am to have two incomes (since I am married). She always wants to bring him out with us if it's just the two of us, and I do not enjoy his company. Last time I asked her to come over, she asked if she could bring this dude, and I told her, " I was just hoping we could get together without the guys."
She took it to mean I never want to see this guy. I never told her this in those words, but does she really have to bring him along wherever she goes? So I told her that things are getting serious with this guy, and she said they aren't (WHAT? Why is he sleeping over 7 nights a week???) but this guy is now a part of her life and he should be included. Whe i go over there, she busts her butt cleaning up, and he doesn't so much as move away from in front of the TV except to light another cigarette while my friend takes out the trash. And then I am stuck with this guy talking to me about boring things.
He's boring, he talks too much about things I don't care about, and I think she can do better. But this is not info I think she wants to hear. Should I just dump her as a friend because she doesn't seem to get it, or should I bring up that this relationship seems like it's too much? I don't even know how to approach her. It's not my business to like him or his personality since SHE is the one who has to date him, but for goodness sake, I think I am entitled to ask my friend to have an evening out without her boyfriend tagging along.
And what is wrong with this guy anyway, that he actually comes along with her??? Why doesn't he have his own friends??? UGH!
Remember the old adage "actions speak louder than words?" You may have never told your friend "in those words" that you don't like this guy and don't ever want to hang out with him. But it's obvious that that's the way you feel, and as a close friend, she's probably picked up on it.
Unless you believe he's hurting her, stealing from her, or involving her in illegal activity, it really isn't your place to comment on the quality of her relationship with him. If she's willing to be the breadwinner and do all the housework while he plays video games, that's her perogative. When she brings up the fact that her situation makes her unhappy, then you can try reasoning with her about the guy. Constantly trying to avoid him isn't going to solve your problem, because to her it just looks like you're the one with the problem.
It's certainly reasonable to plan a girls night every once in awhile. If she's never willing to be apart from him then your best bet is to just step back from the friendship for awhile and be there for her when she comes around.
I can't stand my friend's new boyfriend but I will never tell her this. But the only have been going out for about 10 months and he's practically living with her. He doesn't help her financially I assume because whenever I ask her to do anything she complains she has no money, and tells me how lucky I am to have two incomes (since I am married). She always wants to bring him out with us if it's just the two of us, and I do not enjoy his company. Last time I asked her to come over, she asked if she could bring this dude, and I told her, " I was just hoping we could get together without the guys."
She took it to mean I never want to see this guy. I never told her this in those words, but does she really have to bring him along wherever she goes? So I told her that things are getting serious with this guy, and she said they aren't (WHAT? Why is he sleeping over 7 nights a week???) but this guy is now a part of her life and he should be included. Whe i go over there, she busts her butt cleaning up, and he doesn't so much as move away from in front of the TV except to light another cigarette while my friend takes out the trash. And then I am stuck with this guy talking to me about boring things.
He's boring, he talks too much about things I don't care about, and I think she can do better. But this is not info I think she wants to hear. Should I just dump her as a friend because she doesn't seem to get it, or should I bring up that this relationship seems like it's too much? I don't even know how to approach her. It's not my business to like him or his personality since SHE is the one who has to date him, but for goodness sake, I think I am entitled to ask my friend to have an evening out without her boyfriend tagging along.
And what is wrong with this guy anyway, that he actually comes along with her??? Why doesn't he have his own friends??? UGH!
Remember the old adage "actions speak louder than words?" You may have never told your friend "in those words" that you don't like this guy and don't ever want to hang out with him. But it's obvious that that's the way you feel, and as a close friend, she's probably picked up on it.
Unless you believe he's hurting her, stealing from her, or involving her in illegal activity, it really isn't your place to comment on the quality of her relationship with him. If she's willing to be the breadwinner and do all the housework while he plays video games, that's her perogative. When she brings up the fact that her situation makes her unhappy, then you can try reasoning with her about the guy. Constantly trying to avoid him isn't going to solve your problem, because to her it just looks like you're the one with the problem.
It's certainly reasonable to plan a girls night every once in awhile. If she's never willing to be apart from him then your best bet is to just step back from the friendship for awhile and be there for her when she comes around.
Friday, July 9, 2010
A 'Thank You' Would Have Been Just Fine
Polite asks:
What would be the polite thing to do? I sent a friend some flowers as a thank you for watching my cat while I was on an impropmtu trip. This friend is very critical and always find the negative in anything, so I always expect criticisms. I was just stuck at the time and she was helpful and available.
Well, the flowers came wilted. She called me to tell me she got the flowers, but they were such poor quality so she called the florist to complain and they are sending mea refund.
While I appreciate her efforts, it was embarassing to know that my gift was not well recieved. Should I just suck it up because I am overreacting, or (if this were to happen to me) was my friend wrong in how she handled the situation? She told me not to send flowers like that anymore because you never know what you'll get. Now I don't know if other people have hated my floral delivery or if it is just her.
Did she bother to thank you for the thought? I can understand where your friend may have felt she was doing you a service by letting you know that you deserved a refund for the wilted flowers. However, this is a situation where you have to tread carefully. It's one thing to call you up and say, "It was so nice of you to send me flowers, you really didn't need to do anything. I did want to let you know in case you use this company often, that the flowers came to me wilted." It's another thing to say, "I got your flowers and they just looked awful, so I took it upon myself to call the company and give them a piece of my mind." She could have also requested that the florist send a replacement, rather than refunding your money. Then she wouldn't have had to embarrass you by essentially giving back your gift.
On the bright side, now you do know that the florist you use is unreliable, and next time you can choose someone else.
Personally, this woman sounds ungracious enough that I wouldn't feel obligated to replace the gift. You made a good-faith offer of a thank-you, and she didn't accept it. Let the issue drop, and don't ask for her help again.
If you still feel the need to be the bigger person and provide your friend with some kind of compensation for helping you out, I'd take the money that got refunded and purchase her a gift card to a place you know she likes. Impersonal, yes, but at least gift cards don't wilt, and it could be what she was angling for all along.
What would be the polite thing to do? I sent a friend some flowers as a thank you for watching my cat while I was on an impropmtu trip. This friend is very critical and always find the negative in anything, so I always expect criticisms. I was just stuck at the time and she was helpful and available.
Well, the flowers came wilted. She called me to tell me she got the flowers, but they were such poor quality so she called the florist to complain and they are sending mea refund.
While I appreciate her efforts, it was embarassing to know that my gift was not well recieved. Should I just suck it up because I am overreacting, or (if this were to happen to me) was my friend wrong in how she handled the situation? She told me not to send flowers like that anymore because you never know what you'll get. Now I don't know if other people have hated my floral delivery or if it is just her.
Did she bother to thank you for the thought? I can understand where your friend may have felt she was doing you a service by letting you know that you deserved a refund for the wilted flowers. However, this is a situation where you have to tread carefully. It's one thing to call you up and say, "It was so nice of you to send me flowers, you really didn't need to do anything. I did want to let you know in case you use this company often, that the flowers came to me wilted." It's another thing to say, "I got your flowers and they just looked awful, so I took it upon myself to call the company and give them a piece of my mind." She could have also requested that the florist send a replacement, rather than refunding your money. Then she wouldn't have had to embarrass you by essentially giving back your gift.
On the bright side, now you do know that the florist you use is unreliable, and next time you can choose someone else.
Personally, this woman sounds ungracious enough that I wouldn't feel obligated to replace the gift. You made a good-faith offer of a thank-you, and she didn't accept it. Let the issue drop, and don't ask for her help again.
If you still feel the need to be the bigger person and provide your friend with some kind of compensation for helping you out, I'd take the money that got refunded and purchase her a gift card to a place you know she likes. Impersonal, yes, but at least gift cards don't wilt, and it could be what she was angling for all along.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Narcissus, Party of One
Christy (no relation) writes:
Every time I go out with this one friend of mine, she manages to make backhanded comments about me in front of people we know. Like for instance, if we meet new people at a bar, I'll talk light-heartedly with the new people and she will giggle and tell me that I never have anything smart to talk about. She'll also tell me that I care too much about my makeup and spend too much on my clothing. Yet when we are not with anyone else, she is so nice and complimentary. I confronted her about this, and she said that I am reading into her behavior and she isn't doing anything wrong. I feel bad for her because she is often depressed and will call just to talk if she's having a bad day. She also has a very mean mother who often sends her letters by email threatening suicide, so I know she has it rough. But before I completely ditch her, how else can I tell her that she is abusing my friendship? She doesn't seem to believe me.
Simply put?
You can't.
You've already told her she does this, and she didn't believe you. She continues to do it, so you know she wasn't simply saving face before becoming better behaved. She has, in fact, blamed you for her shortcomings as a friend.
About the only option you have is to suggest she see a professional counselor. From what you've mentioned in your letter - the depression, the "suicidal" mother - it sounds like your friend probably has some mental issues that could do with addressing. It is not your job to be her unpaid therapist. You're not, I'm assuming, qualified to deal with a serious personality disorder, which this sounds like. Even if you were, you see her socially, so it's still not up to you to fix her problems.
I'd let this one go, and not feel too badly about it. When even dogs have shrinks, no one with problems should avoid having them treated. She chooses to be depressed and not deal with her mother; you don't have to choose it, too.
It's Bugging Her
Leslie writes:
A friend of mine recently stayed over my house after a night of drinking. I knew she had bed bugs a few weeks back but I thought they were taken care of, she even bought a new mattress and linens. But now I noticed I have some bed bug residue on the bed in my guest room! can I ask her to buy me a new mattress since she's the only one who has slept in there recently and is probably who brought the bugs in with her? I do not want an infestation!
Since only the one friend has been in the bed, and since you didn't have bedbugs before she visited, I would advise disinfecting the mattress and treating it before demanding a replacement. Regular vacuuming after a thorough steam-cleaning should do the trick.
I see no problem with asking your friend to chip in for the steam-cleaning, but I would frame it gently. "Friend, I was so happy that you came to visit! But I have to tell you, I found some suspicious residue in the bed after you left, and I know bedbugs are so hard to get rid of, so I'm going to have the mattress cleaned." If she's a good friend and a polite person, she'll offer to pay her share; if not, well, a gentle prodding - "It's $X, so I figured we could go halves" - should do the trick.
You absolutely need to tell her, apart from any monetary concerns, because while she's replaced her mattress and bedding, the bugs can nest in her bed frame, in her walls, or any other convenient place. She may not have gotten rid of the infestation at all, and she'll need to take further action to eliminate it. In light of the costs she's about to incur, your demanding a replacement mattress immediately is less than friendly. Start with the cleaning; if you still have problems in the near future (and are certain it's her), then you may want to broach the possibility of a new bed.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Toast Masters
Laura asks:
I am attending the wedding of someone who, up until she was engaged, was perfectly normal. Since she started planning her wedding she's become a crazed psycho. She talks of nothing except her wedding, changes all subjects to be about her wedding, and seems to have forgotten her friends exist.
I pray she comes back down to planet Earth after her wedding.
She has asked me to give a toast at her wedding, but right now I can think of nothing nice to say. Should I decline or suck it up?
It sounds like your friend is one of those people who doesn't realize that no one cares about her wedding as much as she does. If her behavior has devolved to the point where you can't think of anything nice to say about her, you might want to say something to her.
For the sake of her relationships with all of her friends, it's time for someone to pull this girl aside and let her know--in the kindest terms possible--that there's a lot more going on in the world than her wedding, and that turning every conversation back to herself is rude, self-centered, and boring.
If you're really uncomfortable giving a toast, then politely decline. Giving her your reason may compromise your friendship, so if you wish to remain close you can blame it on stage fright or nerves.
But remember that this will pass (at least until she gets pregnant and thinks she's the first person in history to reproduce). If she goes back to normal when the wedding is over, will your friendship go back to the way it was? Will you regret not having done this? Wedding planning can be overwhelming, and it's been known to consume the lives of more than a few young brides. If you think this is a case of temporary insanity, you may decide it's worth it to reach into the depths of your memory and base your toast on the person she was before the diamond ring ate her brain.
I am attending the wedding of someone who, up until she was engaged, was perfectly normal. Since she started planning her wedding she's become a crazed psycho. She talks of nothing except her wedding, changes all subjects to be about her wedding, and seems to have forgotten her friends exist.
I pray she comes back down to planet Earth after her wedding.
She has asked me to give a toast at her wedding, but right now I can think of nothing nice to say. Should I decline or suck it up?
It sounds like your friend is one of those people who doesn't realize that no one cares about her wedding as much as she does. If her behavior has devolved to the point where you can't think of anything nice to say about her, you might want to say something to her.
For the sake of her relationships with all of her friends, it's time for someone to pull this girl aside and let her know--in the kindest terms possible--that there's a lot more going on in the world than her wedding, and that turning every conversation back to herself is rude, self-centered, and boring.
If you're really uncomfortable giving a toast, then politely decline. Giving her your reason may compromise your friendship, so if you wish to remain close you can blame it on stage fright or nerves.
But remember that this will pass (at least until she gets pregnant and thinks she's the first person in history to reproduce). If she goes back to normal when the wedding is over, will your friendship go back to the way it was? Will you regret not having done this? Wedding planning can be overwhelming, and it's been known to consume the lives of more than a few young brides. If you think this is a case of temporary insanity, you may decide it's worth it to reach into the depths of your memory and base your toast on the person she was before the diamond ring ate her brain.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Bad Cooks Can Still Be Good Hosts
Bad Cook asks:
A family member will be staying at our house and spending a few days with us this weekend. I don't enjoy cooking and get especially nervous cooking for people other than me and my husband. Is it rude to plan to eat almost every meal out while our visitor is here? I intend to pay for every meal, but does it somehow seem as if I am trying to coerce the guest to pay by going out?
I don't think it's rude at all to plan to eat out, especially if you think your cooking is less than stellar. Going to restaurants will give you more time to visit with your guests (since you won't be worried about cooking and cleaning), and will give your guests a chance to experience some of your local fare. If there's a restaurant or a type of food that's particularly famous in your area (ie, Chicago style pizza, Buffalo wings, Philly Cheesesteaks, etc), make it a point to add those places to your itinerary. That way you can disguise your dislike for cooking as sightseeing.
As far as payment goes, if you take the check and insist on paying at each meal, your guest will have no reason to think you're trying to coerce them into anything.
A family member will be staying at our house and spending a few days with us this weekend. I don't enjoy cooking and get especially nervous cooking for people other than me and my husband. Is it rude to plan to eat almost every meal out while our visitor is here? I intend to pay for every meal, but does it somehow seem as if I am trying to coerce the guest to pay by going out?
I don't think it's rude at all to plan to eat out, especially if you think your cooking is less than stellar. Going to restaurants will give you more time to visit with your guests (since you won't be worried about cooking and cleaning), and will give your guests a chance to experience some of your local fare. If there's a restaurant or a type of food that's particularly famous in your area (ie, Chicago style pizza, Buffalo wings, Philly Cheesesteaks, etc), make it a point to add those places to your itinerary. That way you can disguise your dislike for cooking as sightseeing.
As far as payment goes, if you take the check and insist on paying at each meal, your guest will have no reason to think you're trying to coerce them into anything.
This is All Kinds of Uncomfortable
Itchy asks:
A few weeks ago I left my friend's house with tiny bug bites on my feet and ankles that I suspected were flea bites. She has invited me to come over again later this week. Would it be rude to ask if her flea problem has been resolved before accepting the invitation? I can't say for sure that the bites came from her house, but it is the most plausible explanation as to where my bites originated.
If you don't know for absolute certain that they're flea bites and that they came from your friend's home, I think asking her if the problem is resolved is too blunt.
Perhaps mention that you're covered in bites, and nonchalantly ask if she's ever experienced something similar. Or casually mention that since it's flea and tick season you're having your pets checked, and suggest that she does the same. If she doesn't take the bait, you have three options:
1. Politely decline the invitation.
2. Accept the invitation. Make sure you're wearing long pants, shoes and socks, and long sleeves for your visit. Don't sit on the furniture and don't put your purse down.
3. Accept the invitation and pretend nothing is wrong. If you get bitten again, then you'll know with much more certainty that the bites originated with your friend. In this case, it would be much more appropriate to approach her and tactfully suggest that she call an exterminator.
A few weeks ago I left my friend's house with tiny bug bites on my feet and ankles that I suspected were flea bites. She has invited me to come over again later this week. Would it be rude to ask if her flea problem has been resolved before accepting the invitation? I can't say for sure that the bites came from her house, but it is the most plausible explanation as to where my bites originated.
If you don't know for absolute certain that they're flea bites and that they came from your friend's home, I think asking her if the problem is resolved is too blunt.
Perhaps mention that you're covered in bites, and nonchalantly ask if she's ever experienced something similar. Or casually mention that since it's flea and tick season you're having your pets checked, and suggest that she does the same. If she doesn't take the bait, you have three options:
1. Politely decline the invitation.
2. Accept the invitation. Make sure you're wearing long pants, shoes and socks, and long sleeves for your visit. Don't sit on the furniture and don't put your purse down.
3. Accept the invitation and pretend nothing is wrong. If you get bitten again, then you'll know with much more certainty that the bites originated with your friend. In this case, it would be much more appropriate to approach her and tactfully suggest that she call an exterminator.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
You Get What You Give
B asks:
I have 6 coworkers all female. We started at the same time, and are very friendly. Some, more than others. I, being, the others. They never acknowledge my birthday in the 5 years we've all worked together, even though it's in a quick reference file that all of our birthdates are in. But they very obviously plan to celebrate for each other. Last week, one of the ladies was out of the office, and the other 5 started to privately/openly plan who was bringing in what for a lunch they were planning. They did not purposely exclude me, but they did not include me. For instance, as we're all working independantly, coworker 1 would whisper "I am bringing chips and salsa, what do you want to bring?" to coworker #2. Again, not on purpose, but they said it loud enough that I heard but softly enough that I was not part of the conversation. So today they are all having their lunch, and when I saw them all unpacking what they brought, one of them said, "Oh you're more than welcome to have some!". But I didn't because it feels weird to not have brought anything in myself.
So should I say something, should I not say anything and let it go? Or should I chime in next time and include myself? I'm not one to impose on others, but I think it's odd we all work so closely together and I am not acknowledged as part of the group.
Sometimes shyness is interpreted as standoffishness. It's possible your co-workers don't include you because of a vibe you're giving off. Sometimes it doesn't take much. Turning down a lunch invite once or twice because you're busy may be interpreted by them as you preferring to eat alone. It sounds like you don't get involved when they're planning birthday celebrations for each other. If that's the case, you really can't blame them for not going out of their way for you.
It's hard to jump into an established group of friends without feeling like an outsider. Choose one or two of the women that you feel most comfortable with, and start making a more of an effort to connect. Ask if they want to try the new sandwich place across the street with you, or suggest a mid-afternoon ice cream break. As you get closer, that person will hopefully keep you in mind when the rest of the group is planning something.
If they don't think of you, don't be afraid to speak up. The next time you hear of something being planned, mention that you have an awesome brownie recipe and offer to bring them in. Better yet, if you know someone has a birthday coming up, be proactive and ask someone what the plans are.
Just keep in mind that friendship is something you have to work for. Good luck.
I have 6 coworkers all female. We started at the same time, and are very friendly. Some, more than others. I, being, the others. They never acknowledge my birthday in the 5 years we've all worked together, even though it's in a quick reference file that all of our birthdates are in. But they very obviously plan to celebrate for each other. Last week, one of the ladies was out of the office, and the other 5 started to privately/openly plan who was bringing in what for a lunch they were planning. They did not purposely exclude me, but they did not include me. For instance, as we're all working independantly, coworker 1 would whisper "I am bringing chips and salsa, what do you want to bring?" to coworker #2. Again, not on purpose, but they said it loud enough that I heard but softly enough that I was not part of the conversation. So today they are all having their lunch, and when I saw them all unpacking what they brought, one of them said, "Oh you're more than welcome to have some!". But I didn't because it feels weird to not have brought anything in myself.
So should I say something, should I not say anything and let it go? Or should I chime in next time and include myself? I'm not one to impose on others, but I think it's odd we all work so closely together and I am not acknowledged as part of the group.
Sometimes shyness is interpreted as standoffishness. It's possible your co-workers don't include you because of a vibe you're giving off. Sometimes it doesn't take much. Turning down a lunch invite once or twice because you're busy may be interpreted by them as you preferring to eat alone. It sounds like you don't get involved when they're planning birthday celebrations for each other. If that's the case, you really can't blame them for not going out of their way for you.
It's hard to jump into an established group of friends without feeling like an outsider. Choose one or two of the women that you feel most comfortable with, and start making a more of an effort to connect. Ask if they want to try the new sandwich place across the street with you, or suggest a mid-afternoon ice cream break. As you get closer, that person will hopefully keep you in mind when the rest of the group is planning something.
If they don't think of you, don't be afraid to speak up. The next time you hear of something being planned, mention that you have an awesome brownie recipe and offer to bring them in. Better yet, if you know someone has a birthday coming up, be proactive and ask someone what the plans are.
Just keep in mind that friendship is something you have to work for. Good luck.
Skip to My Lou.
Sharona asks:
Do I have to formally break up with an acquaintence or can I just skip away and just not reply to her emails thinking she'll get the hint? She's nice enough, but after speaking to her a couple of times I just don't care to persue a friendship. I feel badly because she's nice enough, I just do not want to pretend to like her when I don't. Or should I suck it up and try harder?
An acquaintance? Skip away. If you've only spoken a few times you have no obligation to tell her anything. In fact, saying something will probably just hurt her feelings. There's no need to add insult to injury. I don't even formally break up with friends unless I've known them for over 10 years or know I'm going to need to continue interacting with them on the regular.
Do I have to formally break up with an acquaintence or can I just skip away and just not reply to her emails thinking she'll get the hint? She's nice enough, but after speaking to her a couple of times I just don't care to persue a friendship. I feel badly because she's nice enough, I just do not want to pretend to like her when I don't. Or should I suck it up and try harder?
An acquaintance? Skip away. If you've only spoken a few times you have no obligation to tell her anything. In fact, saying something will probably just hurt her feelings. There's no need to add insult to injury. I don't even formally break up with friends unless I've known them for over 10 years or know I'm going to need to continue interacting with them on the regular.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Dealing with Debbie Downer
Tired asks:
My friend has a chronic illness. Her family is out of state and not very supportive. I am her go-to when times get tough, which is all the time (going on five years now). She is never, ever, ever having a good day. If it isn't her illness, it is some other friend that has been insensitive to her or something going wrong at work, etc. When I have a hard day, she points out to me that at least I am healthy and makes me feel bad about ever venting my petty problems. When I or one of my kids are sick, she points out that at least we will get better and she won't.
She had a bad experience with counseling several years ago and is not open to trying to again.
I am getting to the point that I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone although I immediately feel guilty for that feeling. Sometimes I feel like a very wet sponge, unable to mop up any more of her pain.
She was such a good friend before she got sick. How can I keep being her friend without sacrificing my sanity?
Thanks
A few weeks ago, I published a question that was almost the exact opposite of your situation.
In that response, I said
You're a good person for wanting to preserve this friendship. Not a lot of people would. Good for you for recognizing that however difficult she may be, she does need support. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, as you've already dealt with far more than is required of you. If you need to let her calls go to voicemail every once in awhile, so be it.
That said if anything is going to change, she needs to realize how her negative outlook is affecting her relationships. Not many people are willing to be blunt with someone like this; they'd rather just drop the friendship.
If you're going to confront her, you need to do it calmly and with empathy. Attacking her for always bringing you down will only make her see you as another insensitive person who's making her life worse. First sit down with her and tell her you're worried about her. Explain that you know she's had trouble with counselors before, and offer to help her find someone she can better connect with. Maybe packaging it differently will do the trick. If you know she won't take help from a counselor, suggest a life coach, a spiritual advisor, or hell, a psychic. At this point, anyone she can talk to that isn't you is a help.
As far as her not allowing you to have bad days, I'm of two minds. On one hand, you're likely blessed with far more friends and family than she has. Vent to people who understand and don't mind hearing it. That way she doesn't feel the need to fake concern for issues that she may consider petty, and you get the empathy you deserve for things you're entitled to vent about.
On the other hand, this is just another example of how her rotten attitude has driven people away, and maybe realizing this will help her bring some people back into her life. Try giving her a taste of her own medicine. Every time she starts a pity party, reply with "Well, hey, at least you're not [something worse]." Eventually she'll get the hint.
My friend has a chronic illness. Her family is out of state and not very supportive. I am her go-to when times get tough, which is all the time (going on five years now). She is never, ever, ever having a good day. If it isn't her illness, it is some other friend that has been insensitive to her or something going wrong at work, etc. When I have a hard day, she points out to me that at least I am healthy and makes me feel bad about ever venting my petty problems. When I or one of my kids are sick, she points out that at least we will get better and she won't.
She had a bad experience with counseling several years ago and is not open to trying to again.
I am getting to the point that I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone although I immediately feel guilty for that feeling. Sometimes I feel like a very wet sponge, unable to mop up any more of her pain.
She was such a good friend before she got sick. How can I keep being her friend without sacrificing my sanity?
Thanks
A few weeks ago, I published a question that was almost the exact opposite of your situation.
In that response, I said
I think there's a lot of pressure for people who are going through incredibly rough times to keep their spirits up. You want to be known as the one who always had a great attitude, not the person who constantly bitched and complained about what a raw hand they were dealt.Obviously, this does not apply to everyone. It sounds like your friend thrives on pity, and it also sounds like her attitude has driven most everyone off but you. There's a good chance she's depressed, and I think you're right in that she needs counseling.
You're a good person for wanting to preserve this friendship. Not a lot of people would. Good for you for recognizing that however difficult she may be, she does need support. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, as you've already dealt with far more than is required of you. If you need to let her calls go to voicemail every once in awhile, so be it.
That said if anything is going to change, she needs to realize how her negative outlook is affecting her relationships. Not many people are willing to be blunt with someone like this; they'd rather just drop the friendship.
If you're going to confront her, you need to do it calmly and with empathy. Attacking her for always bringing you down will only make her see you as another insensitive person who's making her life worse. First sit down with her and tell her you're worried about her. Explain that you know she's had trouble with counselors before, and offer to help her find someone she can better connect with. Maybe packaging it differently will do the trick. If you know she won't take help from a counselor, suggest a life coach, a spiritual advisor, or hell, a psychic. At this point, anyone she can talk to that isn't you is a help.
As far as her not allowing you to have bad days, I'm of two minds. On one hand, you're likely blessed with far more friends and family than she has. Vent to people who understand and don't mind hearing it. That way she doesn't feel the need to fake concern for issues that she may consider petty, and you get the empathy you deserve for things you're entitled to vent about.
On the other hand, this is just another example of how her rotten attitude has driven people away, and maybe realizing this will help her bring some people back into her life. Try giving her a taste of her own medicine. Every time she starts a pity party, reply with "Well, hey, at least you're not [something worse]." Eventually she'll get the hint.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Social Ineptitude
Nancy asks:
I work with someone who seems to take great pleasure in correcting everyone during a conversation. It's so annoying and it really puts an end to the conversation. We can't even joke around because she interjects with her "fact of the matter", and then.....crickets.
For example, at lunch some coworkers and I were recently talking about some silly statistic that we made up about men and chores, and here she comes to tell us about how serious we need to take equality in the home and whatever, as if we're all idiots for having a light hearted conversation. Sometimes you don't need to correct other people in a social situation because it just makes things awkward, and also no one likes the know-it-all. What to do??
We like to call these people sexual intellectuals (because they're f*cking know-it-alls). And you're right, Nancy, people who lack a sense of humor ruin the fun for everyone.
If you're close with this person, you could pull her aside and explain how this habit of hers is affecting her ability to make friends with her co-workers. Just say, "Listen, Jane. It really kills the conversation when people are joking around and you jump in to correct them. It makes our coworkers uncomfortable." This may help her to interact with the group in a more socially acceptable way.
If you're not close or you would rather her exit your conversations all together, just ignore her and move on. Don't let her comments end your discussions. A quick "Jane, it was just a joke," will get the point across and allow you to turn back to the conversation at hand.
I work with someone who seems to take great pleasure in correcting everyone during a conversation. It's so annoying and it really puts an end to the conversation. We can't even joke around because she interjects with her "fact of the matter", and then.....crickets.
For example, at lunch some coworkers and I were recently talking about some silly statistic that we made up about men and chores, and here she comes to tell us about how serious we need to take equality in the home and whatever, as if we're all idiots for having a light hearted conversation. Sometimes you don't need to correct other people in a social situation because it just makes things awkward, and also no one likes the know-it-all. What to do??
We like to call these people sexual intellectuals (because they're f*cking know-it-alls). And you're right, Nancy, people who lack a sense of humor ruin the fun for everyone.
If you're close with this person, you could pull her aside and explain how this habit of hers is affecting her ability to make friends with her co-workers. Just say, "Listen, Jane. It really kills the conversation when people are joking around and you jump in to correct them. It makes our coworkers uncomfortable." This may help her to interact with the group in a more socially acceptable way.
If you're not close or you would rather her exit your conversations all together, just ignore her and move on. Don't let her comments end your discussions. A quick "Jane, it was just a joke," will get the point across and allow you to turn back to the conversation at hand.
Bullies Suck
Sad writes:
I was bullied in grades 7 and 8 by two boys who constantly made fun of me because I was new to the school and I wasn't into fashion and hanging out on the corners like everyone else. I was recently friended by one of them on facebook, and I accepted. I soon deleted the person because I realize he wasn't going to apologize and I wasn't going to confront him. I considered that closure for me and went on with my happy life.
The other day, I was given a friend suggestion by the OTHER kid who picked on me, but didn't try and friend request him or anything. I thought I put it behind me, the taunting and teasing, and basically feeling tortured every day for 2 years (it was a sick joke in my universe that the teachers always sat me between these two jerks)...I feel like I didn't do a good job at getting over it.
Should I say something now? I feel like that would just be pathetic of me, because it happened when we were kids and life went on. I always think just get over it when I see adults confronting their childhood bullies on TV talk shows. But I don't think these two kids realize the damage they caused. I was very socially awkward for my 4 years of highschool because I never was able to be social in middle school. What do you think?
Sad,
I'm sorry you had such a horrible time in middle school. I don't necessarily think that either of these guys tried to contact you on facebook for any reason other than to collect friends. Facebook seems to have given everyone the feeling that they have the right and/or need to stay connected everyone they have ever known, whether that knowing was a good or bad experience.
Also keep in mind that bullying stays in the mind of the tormented much longer than it does the tormentor. These guys may not even remember how miserable they made you, or maybe they really thought they were just having fun at the time. Or maybe one or both of them liked you. Preteen boys are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and it's very common for them to turn to teasing when saying "hey, I think you're cute" has so much potential to damage their tender egos. What I'm trying to say is, try to look back on the situation with humor, and think about how the experience made you stronger rather than focusing on the damage it did.
You were right to unfriend bully number 1 and to ignore the suggestion of bully number 2. You were also right to go on with your happy life. I think that's what you should keep on doing. I agree that saying something won't solve your problem. Everyone involved has changed a lot since middle school, and two adult men likely don't have a lot to learn from a lecture about something they did when they were children.
If you feel the need to do something, make sure that you bring your own children up to know that bullying others is wrong, and teach them to stand up for themselves in the event that they are bullied. And if you really can't get over this, it may be time to look for a counselor or therapist. Remember that Kate and I are not licensed professionals. If you need real help, I encourage you to seek it.
I was bullied in grades 7 and 8 by two boys who constantly made fun of me because I was new to the school and I wasn't into fashion and hanging out on the corners like everyone else. I was recently friended by one of them on facebook, and I accepted. I soon deleted the person because I realize he wasn't going to apologize and I wasn't going to confront him. I considered that closure for me and went on with my happy life.
The other day, I was given a friend suggestion by the OTHER kid who picked on me, but didn't try and friend request him or anything. I thought I put it behind me, the taunting and teasing, and basically feeling tortured every day for 2 years (it was a sick joke in my universe that the teachers always sat me between these two jerks)...I feel like I didn't do a good job at getting over it.
Should I say something now? I feel like that would just be pathetic of me, because it happened when we were kids and life went on. I always think just get over it when I see adults confronting their childhood bullies on TV talk shows. But I don't think these two kids realize the damage they caused. I was very socially awkward for my 4 years of highschool because I never was able to be social in middle school. What do you think?
Sad,
I'm sorry you had such a horrible time in middle school. I don't necessarily think that either of these guys tried to contact you on facebook for any reason other than to collect friends. Facebook seems to have given everyone the feeling that they have the right and/or need to stay connected everyone they have ever known, whether that knowing was a good or bad experience.
Also keep in mind that bullying stays in the mind of the tormented much longer than it does the tormentor. These guys may not even remember how miserable they made you, or maybe they really thought they were just having fun at the time. Or maybe one or both of them liked you. Preteen boys are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and it's very common for them to turn to teasing when saying "hey, I think you're cute" has so much potential to damage their tender egos. What I'm trying to say is, try to look back on the situation with humor, and think about how the experience made you stronger rather than focusing on the damage it did.
You were right to unfriend bully number 1 and to ignore the suggestion of bully number 2. You were also right to go on with your happy life. I think that's what you should keep on doing. I agree that saying something won't solve your problem. Everyone involved has changed a lot since middle school, and two adult men likely don't have a lot to learn from a lecture about something they did when they were children.
If you feel the need to do something, make sure that you bring your own children up to know that bullying others is wrong, and teach them to stand up for themselves in the event that they are bullied. And if you really can't get over this, it may be time to look for a counselor or therapist. Remember that Kate and I are not licensed professionals. If you need real help, I encourage you to seek it.
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