If He Lived Alone, What Would He Do?

W. H. writes:

I think my husband thinks because I'm a girl that I have to do the majority of "women's work". How do I get him to see that we both have things to do around the house?

It might help if you stop referring to yourself - a grown-ass married woman - as a "girl", just for starters.

You should have discussed division of labor when you first moved in together. Yes, I'm assuming that you lived together before marriage; if you didn't, you should have discussed division of labor as part of your preparations for marriage. Since you didn't, you have to discuss it now.

If both of you work outside the home, full-time, you need an equal division of labor. Make a list of all the chores related to keeping the home - sweeping, mopping, laundry, cooking, mowing the lawn, washing the cars, painting the house, common repairs. Go through the list together and offer to do the chores you don't mind, or even enjoy (I love to cook, for example, and don't mind doing the laundry at all.). He should offer to do the ones he doesn't mind. For the ones leftover, decide if you can hire someone to do them for you (it may be worth it if you both hate them), and if not, if you want to alternate doing them, do them together, or draw straws or some other method for getting them done. This ensures all the chores are done, and no one feels resentment because they always get stuck doing the things they hate.

If one of you works part-time, it's perfectly reasonable to assume that one will do more in and around the house than the other. If you're a part-timer, your chore assignments will depend on your schedule: you might not be available to pull weeds on the weekends, for example, but you can throw something in the crockpot on weekdays so that the full-timer comes home to a nutritious meal. The part-timer can start the laundry if the full-timer folds it, etc., etc. There may be more chores the part-timer is expected to do, but "division of labor" should include the time spent working outside the home, as without it, there wouldn't be a home to care for.

If one of you doesn't work at all, then yes, the bulk of the work around the home falls to that one. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement; working inside the home is not demeaning or less necessary than working outside of it. It isn't out of the question for whoever works outside the home to expect that a stay-at-home-spouse (SAHS) will keep a clean, inviting, well-organized and tended home. The SAHS should take pride in this, as it is a job, just like any one outside the home is; the pay is in having time to do things together, and not fight about chores.

You will notice that nothing I've said here references gender. That's because gender doesn't matter. There is no such thing as "women's work". There is work outside the home and work inside the home, and both contribute to a functioning relationship and a fulfilling home life. If your husband fails to see you as a fully-realized human being in your own right, and insists upon treating you like a "girl", like some "other" because you're female, well, that's a different question altogether. Chores are chores are chores - none of those involved in keeping a home require a certain set of genitalia, and should never be treated as if they do.

Killing Kittens Is Bad. Eating, On The Other Hand....

Ugh writes:

Everyone around me is obsessed with their weight and dieting. I have to change the topic a lot of times if I want to participate. If I came to a function boasting about a new diet I wanted to try, or maybe I lost 3 pounds, I'd get a better response from the group than if I were to tell them of a raise or promotion at work. What the hell, why are people so obsessed to the point that being on a diet is revered? It's sickening.

Ugh, indeed. Unfortunately, your problem is not unique. There's an entire week devoted to giving up fat talk (the second week in October).  And there are people all over the world who blog about this issue, among others related to size acceptance and feminism. Fat talk is pervasive. It is ubiquitous. It is also limiting, boring, stifling, competitive, and destructive. It reduces everyone who participates in it to no more than a body, and a public body at that, subject to scrutiny and evaluation by the general populace - all of whom have been told that fat is wrong, fat is bad, fat is a moral issue, and to be even vaguely fat is the worst thing anyone could ever dare to be. Fat talkers depend on the culture to keep them going; they depend on the fact that "everyone knows" how awful it is to be fat, and that weight is a choice, and that the pursuit of ceasing to exist - becoming a size zero - is an occupation shared by everyone.

So don't back them up. They get positive reinforcement for this behavior from the other fat-talkers, and they won't be expecting you to burst their bubble - or to point out the ridiculousness of making their own bodies their enemies. You needn't be rude, but if you really want this to stop (and not merely to walk away from it), you need to point out that there are so many more interesting things in the world to discuss. You can throw some facts about diets at them (namely, that they don't work, full stop, end of story). You can point out that humans generally respond poorly to restrictions of any kind, and that they would do better to investigate intuitive eating and Health At Every Size concepts if they want to improve their well-being. You can talk about how the BMI definitions were arbitrarily changed in the 1990s, and that studies have shown that being in the "overweight" category actually results in living the longest, statistically. You can point out that being skinny is not the same as being healthy. You can simply tell them that you don't diet, and you don't want to discuss dieting because it's boring.

Most of these will stop a conversation dead in its tracks. They might stare at you and go right back to it amongst themselves, or they might ask for more input from you. If you get the chance to elaborate, you might consider discussing how making women focus on beauty and weight is a losing game and the product of a society that definitely doesn't want women to ever achieve full equality. And then segue into a discussion of politics, or science, or a funny blog post you just read about anything but weight.

Or, you can continue to ignore it, just far more flagrantly. Bring a book, and start reading every time someone starts with "I was so bad last night, I ate...." It's rude, sure, but honestly, so is being a repetitive bore who can't carry on a conversation that doesn't involve calories.

Unfortunately, you may end up just having to find new friends. People are obsessed with dieting and weight because it's considered a moral issue; because women, especially, are brought into the fold of body-haters and chronic dieters early in life; and because as I said above, people hate the fatties. Not dieting is considered not normal, and you may just have to find a group of freaks like you.

Slut-Shaming: Not Just For Strangers Anymore!

B.T. writes:

My husband thinks he missed out on a lot because I had more partners than he did during college. So I suggested we role play and go to the bar and flirt with other people, just to get each other hot because I saw it on a show and it looked sexy. But he wants to take it further and try to actually pick someone up and wants me to give permission. How do I tell him that the line is drawn at flirting and that is it?

Well isn't he a peach.

To answer the question you asked: Just tell him straight-out. "I am not willing to have an open marriage; it is not an option for me." Because it's not, and you don't want to open the door to any sort of negotiation where he might get his way because you haven't been clear. This is not up for discussion; this is a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to have the decency not to cheat.

But, oh, there is so much more wrong with this whole scenario. He's making his lack of desire or opportunity for sex in college your fault, and expecting that it's your responsibility to fix it. Simply because you had the gall to have more partners than he did in college. Did you two even know each other in college? (My money's on not.) And when did personal sexual expression get to be some sort of contest? He may think that he's just trying to "even the score", but what he's really doing is punishing you for being a happily sexual adult woman before he met you and decided to own you.

I doubt he sees it that way. I doubt it's even a conscious thought, but his behavior says it's definitely a thought. He's pissed that you were a slut in college, and now he's going to hurt you by being a slut himself, forgetting that you're both in the midst of a marriage that began with a vow to forsake all others - and that you are a free adult woman who was entitled to have and enjoy sex.

Now, look, I'm not down on open marriages. They do work for some people. Polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry can all work for some people, given that everyone in the relationships has the same ideas about where things are going. But this isn't that, and your husband is just being a sexist douche who thinks that he should be able to fuck anything he wants, because obviously you did, and that's just not acceptable to him. It's like you thought you owned your own body or something! Silly woman!

My instinct is to tell you to - in the immortal words of Dan Savage - dump the motherfucker already. But I'm quelling that impulse, because I don't see from your letter that he's done this before, or that he's pressuring you unduly, or that you think he'll go out and do it anyway.

So talk to your husband. Tell him that, yes, you had a good time in college - didn't he? Ask him why he wants to go outside the marriage, and isn't that something you two can work on?

You had every right to have and enjoy sex with as many people as you pleased. There's nothing wrong with that. Remind him of that - and pray you never have a daughter.