Unimportant asks a doozy:
Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?
Short answer? You can't.
Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while.
Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?
Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!
That's right. All of society. Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place.
Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?
But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!
And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!
So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.
She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?
You first.
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Killing Kittens Is Bad. Eating, On The Other Hand....
Ugh writes:
Everyone around me is obsessed with their weight and dieting. I have to change the topic a lot of times if I want to participate. If I came to a function boasting about a new diet I wanted to try, or maybe I lost 3 pounds, I'd get a better response from the group than if I were to tell them of a raise or promotion at work. What the hell, why are people so obsessed to the point that being on a diet is revered? It's sickening.
Ugh, indeed. Unfortunately, your problem is not unique. There's an entire week devoted to giving up fat talk (the second week in October). And there are people all over the world who blog about this issue, among others related to size acceptance and feminism. Fat talk is pervasive. It is ubiquitous. It is also limiting, boring, stifling, competitive, and destructive. It reduces everyone who participates in it to no more than a body, and a public body at that, subject to scrutiny and evaluation by the general populace - all of whom have been told that fat is wrong, fat is bad, fat is a moral issue, and to be even vaguely fat is the worst thing anyone could ever dare to be. Fat talkers depend on the culture to keep them going; they depend on the fact that "everyone knows" how awful it is to be fat, and that weight is a choice, and that the pursuit of ceasing to exist - becoming a size zero - is an occupation shared by everyone.
So don't back them up. They get positive reinforcement for this behavior from the other fat-talkers, and they won't be expecting you to burst their bubble - or to point out the ridiculousness of making their own bodies their enemies. You needn't be rude, but if you really want this to stop (and not merely to walk away from it), you need to point out that there are so many more interesting things in the world to discuss. You can throw some facts about diets at them (namely, that they don't work, full stop, end of story). You can point out that humans generally respond poorly to restrictions of any kind, and that they would do better to investigate intuitive eating and Health At Every Size concepts if they want to improve their well-being. You can talk about how the BMI definitions were arbitrarily changed in the 1990s, and that studies have shown that being in the "overweight" category actually results in living the longest, statistically. You can point out that being skinny is not the same as being healthy. You can simply tell them that you don't diet, and you don't want to discuss dieting because it's boring.
Most of these will stop a conversation dead in its tracks. They might stare at you and go right back to it amongst themselves, or they might ask for more input from you. If you get the chance to elaborate, you might consider discussing how making women focus on beauty and weight is a losing game and the product of a society that definitely doesn't want women to ever achieve full equality. And then segue into a discussion of politics, or science, or a funny blog post you just read about anything but weight.
Or, you can continue to ignore it, just far more flagrantly. Bring a book, and start reading every time someone starts with "I was so bad last night, I ate...." It's rude, sure, but honestly, so is being a repetitive bore who can't carry on a conversation that doesn't involve calories.
Unfortunately, you may end up just having to find new friends. People are obsessed with dieting and weight because it's considered a moral issue; because women, especially, are brought into the fold of body-haters and chronic dieters early in life; and because as I said above, people hate the fatties. Not dieting is considered not normal, and you may just have to find a group of freaks like you.
Everyone around me is obsessed with their weight and dieting. I have to change the topic a lot of times if I want to participate. If I came to a function boasting about a new diet I wanted to try, or maybe I lost 3 pounds, I'd get a better response from the group than if I were to tell them of a raise or promotion at work. What the hell, why are people so obsessed to the point that being on a diet is revered? It's sickening.
Ugh, indeed. Unfortunately, your problem is not unique. There's an entire week devoted to giving up fat talk (the second week in October). And there are people all over the world who blog about this issue, among others related to size acceptance and feminism. Fat talk is pervasive. It is ubiquitous. It is also limiting, boring, stifling, competitive, and destructive. It reduces everyone who participates in it to no more than a body, and a public body at that, subject to scrutiny and evaluation by the general populace - all of whom have been told that fat is wrong, fat is bad, fat is a moral issue, and to be even vaguely fat is the worst thing anyone could ever dare to be. Fat talkers depend on the culture to keep them going; they depend on the fact that "everyone knows" how awful it is to be fat, and that weight is a choice, and that the pursuit of ceasing to exist - becoming a size zero - is an occupation shared by everyone.
So don't back them up. They get positive reinforcement for this behavior from the other fat-talkers, and they won't be expecting you to burst their bubble - or to point out the ridiculousness of making their own bodies their enemies. You needn't be rude, but if you really want this to stop (and not merely to walk away from it), you need to point out that there are so many more interesting things in the world to discuss. You can throw some facts about diets at them (namely, that they don't work, full stop, end of story). You can point out that humans generally respond poorly to restrictions of any kind, and that they would do better to investigate intuitive eating and Health At Every Size concepts if they want to improve their well-being. You can talk about how the BMI definitions were arbitrarily changed in the 1990s, and that studies have shown that being in the "overweight" category actually results in living the longest, statistically. You can point out that being skinny is not the same as being healthy. You can simply tell them that you don't diet, and you don't want to discuss dieting because it's boring.
Most of these will stop a conversation dead in its tracks. They might stare at you and go right back to it amongst themselves, or they might ask for more input from you. If you get the chance to elaborate, you might consider discussing how making women focus on beauty and weight is a losing game and the product of a society that definitely doesn't want women to ever achieve full equality. And then segue into a discussion of politics, or science, or a funny blog post you just read about anything but weight.
Or, you can continue to ignore it, just far more flagrantly. Bring a book, and start reading every time someone starts with "I was so bad last night, I ate...." It's rude, sure, but honestly, so is being a repetitive bore who can't carry on a conversation that doesn't involve calories.
Unfortunately, you may end up just having to find new friends. People are obsessed with dieting and weight because it's considered a moral issue; because women, especially, are brought into the fold of body-haters and chronic dieters early in life; and because as I said above, people hate the fatties. Not dieting is considered not normal, and you may just have to find a group of freaks like you.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Slut-Shaming: Not Just For Strangers Anymore!
B.T. writes:
My husband thinks he missed out on a lot because I had more partners than he did during college. So I suggested we role play and go to the bar and flirt with other people, just to get each other hot because I saw it on a show and it looked sexy. But he wants to take it further and try to actually pick someone up and wants me to give permission. How do I tell him that the line is drawn at flirting and that is it?
Well isn't he a peach.
To answer the question you asked: Just tell him straight-out. "I am not willing to have an open marriage; it is not an option for me." Because it's not, and you don't want to open the door to any sort of negotiation where he might get his way because you haven't been clear. This is not up for discussion; this is a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to have the decency not to cheat.
But, oh, there is so much more wrong with this whole scenario. He's making his lack of desire or opportunity for sex in college your fault, and expecting that it's your responsibility to fix it. Simply because you had the gall to have more partners than he did in college. Did you two even know each other in college? (My money's on not.) And when did personal sexual expression get to be some sort of contest? He may think that he's just trying to "even the score", but what he's really doing is punishing you for being a happily sexual adult woman before he met you and decided to own you.
I doubt he sees it that way. I doubt it's even a conscious thought, but his behavior says it's definitely a thought. He's pissed that you were a slut in college, and now he's going to hurt you by being a slut himself, forgetting that you're both in the midst of a marriage that began with a vow to forsake all others - and that you are a free adult woman who was entitled to have and enjoy sex.
Now, look, I'm not down on open marriages. They do work for some people. Polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry can all work for some people, given that everyone in the relationships has the same ideas about where things are going. But this isn't that, and your husband is just being a sexist douche who thinks that he should be able to fuck anything he wants, because obviously you did, and that's just not acceptable to him. It's like you thought you owned your own body or something! Silly woman!
My instinct is to tell you to - in the immortal words of Dan Savage - dump the motherfucker already. But I'm quelling that impulse, because I don't see from your letter that he's done this before, or that he's pressuring you unduly, or that you think he'll go out and do it anyway.
So talk to your husband. Tell him that, yes, you had a good time in college - didn't he? Ask him why he wants to go outside the marriage, and isn't that something you two can work on?
You had every right to have and enjoy sex with as many people as you pleased. There's nothing wrong with that. Remind him of that - and pray you never have a daughter.
My husband thinks he missed out on a lot because I had more partners than he did during college. So I suggested we role play and go to the bar and flirt with other people, just to get each other hot because I saw it on a show and it looked sexy. But he wants to take it further and try to actually pick someone up and wants me to give permission. How do I tell him that the line is drawn at flirting and that is it?
Well isn't he a peach.
To answer the question you asked: Just tell him straight-out. "I am not willing to have an open marriage; it is not an option for me." Because it's not, and you don't want to open the door to any sort of negotiation where he might get his way because you haven't been clear. This is not up for discussion; this is a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to have the decency not to cheat.
But, oh, there is so much more wrong with this whole scenario. He's making his lack of desire or opportunity for sex in college your fault, and expecting that it's your responsibility to fix it. Simply because you had the gall to have more partners than he did in college. Did you two even know each other in college? (My money's on not.) And when did personal sexual expression get to be some sort of contest? He may think that he's just trying to "even the score", but what he's really doing is punishing you for being a happily sexual adult woman before he met you and decided to own you.
I doubt he sees it that way. I doubt it's even a conscious thought, but his behavior says it's definitely a thought. He's pissed that you were a slut in college, and now he's going to hurt you by being a slut himself, forgetting that you're both in the midst of a marriage that began with a vow to forsake all others - and that you are a free adult woman who was entitled to have and enjoy sex.
Now, look, I'm not down on open marriages. They do work for some people. Polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry can all work for some people, given that everyone in the relationships has the same ideas about where things are going. But this isn't that, and your husband is just being a sexist douche who thinks that he should be able to fuck anything he wants, because obviously you did, and that's just not acceptable to him. It's like you thought you owned your own body or something! Silly woman!
My instinct is to tell you to - in the immortal words of Dan Savage - dump the motherfucker already. But I'm quelling that impulse, because I don't see from your letter that he's done this before, or that he's pressuring you unduly, or that you think he'll go out and do it anyway.
So talk to your husband. Tell him that, yes, you had a good time in college - didn't he? Ask him why he wants to go outside the marriage, and isn't that something you two can work on?
You had every right to have and enjoy sex with as many people as you pleased. There's nothing wrong with that. Remind him of that - and pray you never have a daughter.
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