Awkward Questions from Exes.

Shannon writes:

I have been with my current boyfriend for 10 years and we plan to get married eventually, no pressure to make definite pans. We're very happy. Recently, an old flame contacted me via facebook because he's going through a divorce and I guess he needed an ego boost. This was a guy I had dated right before my current partner. I obviously did not work out and there were a multitude of reasons. 


So, old guy asked me if he could ask a personal question. He knows I am in a relationship and didn't want to offend current, but I said to go ahead and aske. He wanted to know if our sex had been any good when we were together.


SO I replied that yes, it was good, and I had no complaints when we were together. I thought that was okay to say since it was true and has no effect on my current relationship. 


Then he started to say that I was the best he ever had, and asked me if my current boyfriend was better tham him. I decided to end the conversation right there. 


But I wonder, what would have been the right thing to say? Do I tell him that current boyfriend is the best that I have ever had? Or do I tell him it's none of his business? I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he's going through a rough time, but I also don't want to hurt my current boyfriend if he were to ever find out what the old bf and I ever talked about. What do you think?

You did the right thing by ending the conversation. There is no good way to answer that question, which is why it should never be asked.

To Plus One or Not To Plus One

Yvonne asks:

I am divorced but close with my ex husband's family because we were married for a few years and have known each other since teenagers. I was invited to his neice's wedding with a guest. We have been divorced for about two years now, and my sister told me that it would not be appropriate to show up with a guest, that they were just following proper etiquette. But I have been dating my new man for about 6 months now and feel he is a part of my life and should not be excluded just because my ex husband may be at the party. He and I did not part on the best of terms, but his sister is a wonderful person and we get along great. So is it wrong to bring a date to the wedding?



If you were invited to bring a guest then it is reasonable to expect that your guest will be welcome at the wedding. If your ex-husband's family didn't want you to bring anyone along, they'd have invited you as a single. If your new boyfriend doesn't have a problem spending a day in the company of your ex and his extended family, you are within your rights to bring him.

However, do consider that this is supposed to be a happy, stress-free day for your ex's niece. If you have any reason to believe that showing up with a date will cause a scene, then it may be best to stay home. This isn't the time to rub your new relationship in anyone's face, nor to prove that you're doing sooo much better now that you're rid of your ex. I'm not saying that these are your motivations, but if they are--or even if others might think they are--it's not worth the drama.

That's A Lot of Flowers

Lora asks:


I have so many ex boyfriends and I remain friends with most of them. They often send me flowers on my birthday and random gifts "just 'cuz". It's gso nice of them! My current boyfriend of a year doesn't understand that these guys do this for me and there's nothing going on. How can I explain to him that this is strictly platonic? I don't want any past boyfriends back, and just because I see them at the bars or clubs (because we always hang out at the same places) doesn't mean anything is going on. HELP!!


I'm not against remaining friendly with your exes. What I am against is being so friendly with them that it damages your current relationship. Something doesn't seem right here. Are you sure there's nothing going on with any of these guys? Are you really sure? Are you sure none of them think there's something going on? A lot of men can't even manage to send their own wives and girlfriends flowers for their birthdays, so the fact that you have so many men doing so for their ex is a little amazing, and a little unbelievable.

Sending flowers "just 'cuz" is an act of courtship, and in my opinion it's highly inappropriate for any man who is not your boyfriend to be doing this. It shows a lack of respect for the relationship you're in, and I can see why your current boyfriend is bothered by it.

And be sure that it's something you are doing that is encouraging these guys to treat you this way. Your boyfriend probably isn't happy about that either. People don't go out of their way to make romantic gestures if they don't have some hope that the feelings will be returned. I'm not necessarily saying you should send the flowers back; that would be rude. But you can nicely say that while the gift is appreciated, you want to make sure the boundaries of your friendship are clear.

As far as seeing these guys, bars and clubs are big places. Running into someone you know does not obligate you to hang out with them. Say hello and go about your business. If you love your boyfriend and value your relationship, you'll put these friendships on the back-burner. If he's not important enough for you to do that, then you should cut him loose and find someone who is.

The bottom line is, you need to decide what's more important to you: your boyfriend or the attention you're getting from your exes. Then you need to act accordingly.

Thought Control

M asks:

How do I stop thinking of an ex boyfriend? We have been broken up for over 7 years, I am engaged, he is married. Yet, I still wonder about him and think of him often. I need aversion therapy probably! I love my fiance, so why do I keep thinking of this other guy??

First of all, there's not really anything wrong with thinking about your ex. This is a person who was a huge part of your life for a period of time, and it's only natural to occasionally wonder what he's up to and how he's doing. Of course, wondering isn't the same thing as stalking his Facebook page, Googling him every day, pining over him, or fantasizing about him.

If your thoughts about him go beyond the casual "Gee, I hope he's doing well," then you do have a problem. Regardless of where you are in your current relationship, you need to realize that your ex is off-limits. He's married. End of story. I don't necessarily doubt that you love your fiance, but is there some part of your relationship that he isn't fulfilling for you? When you think about your ex, is there a common theme (all of your inside jokes, the sex, the long talks about your hopes and dreams)? Maybe whatever it is you're thinking about is something that you're actually missing in your current relationship. If that's the case, then you need to focus on fixing the present rather than wishing for the past.

The thing is, you can't really control your thoughts, but you can control how you react to them. Keep in mind that there's a reason you broke up. Obviously there was some part of your past relationship that didn't work, or you would still be together. It's easy to look back with rose colored glasses. When your ex sneaks into your brain, make a concerted effort to think about the bad times as well as the good. Focus on what you learned from that relationship that's helping you with your current one.

Also give yourself less opportunity to think about said ex. Delete him from Facebook, take the old prom picture off your mom's fridge, distance yourself from mutual friends for a little while.

And if none of this works, you're going to need more help than I can give you. Talk to a counselor or therapist to get to the bottom of why you can't get over this guy, and put wedding planning on hold. You and your fiance can't have a healthy relationship with this hanging between you.