Where The Towels Are His And His And Hers....

Jessie writes:


My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?


Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.


Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom. 


You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.


But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.


I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.


If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man? 


And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias. 


Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.

Tuesday Quickies!

Jannie writes:


My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?


I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine. 


Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!

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Susie asks:

Why do we say "a pair of panties" when there is only one article of clothing to which we are referring?

For the same reason we say "a pair of pants" - we have two legs, the garment has two leg holes, and we naturally turn these things into plurals. 

More specifically, because it's a derivation of a word (pants) that has no singular form, also called a plurale tantum. 

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Ashamed And In Love writes:

My husband is very open to experimentation in the bedroom and for that I am happy because he loves fooling around. Lately he's asked if I would dominate him because he's curious, and if I wanted to use a strapon to teach him a lesson. I am not comfortable with this, and it makes me wonder if he has gay tenancies since he wants me to use a device to simulate gay sex acts on him. Please help.

If he owns rental properties and gay people pay him to live there, then yes. He has "gay tenancies".

If you're asking if your husband is gay because he wants to experiment? I refer you to my archives.

The Bed is the Least of Your Worries.

S. A. writes:

My fiance became sick recently with really bad flu symptoms. He was hospitalized for 2 days because of the fluids he lost and they thought it might have been a form of meningitis. Thank goodness he's home and getting better, but he's still feeling sick. I offered to stay home with him and even had the time approved, and we live together, but my future mother in law insisted I save my vacation time for the wedding. Well, this was fine, until I came home to find my future mother in law giving my husband a bath in our master bathroom, and she was in her bra and panties. My jaw dropped and I went to leave when she apologized for letting herself in my home unannounced. She recovered when I walked in the bathroom and said she got her clothes wet helping him into the tub, but her clothes were laying on my bed (MY SHARED BED WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND) and they were completely dry. I think it was very awkward for my fiance as well, and he hasn't said anything about it. Do I dare think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship? I mean they seem like a normal family, but it's not like my husband still has a fever or anything and is fully capable of showering by himself when I was home the day before with him.

I'm concerned that the part of this story you seem most upset about is that your future mother-in-laws clothes were on your bed, and not that your future husband was naked in a bathtub with his mother. Yes, you should think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship. I wouldn't even take the time to ask him about it, I'd be too busy packing my things and getting out of there as fast as humanly possible.

Paging Salt N Pepa

Blanche writes:

I want sex every other day at least, and my fiance is happy with once every other week. I would do it every day if I could, but I settle for every other day! I think he finds me unattractive, or perhaps he's cheating? What do you think? He's just not in the mood if I ask him if he's up for a little bedtime action, and my sexy lingerie never gets his attention. He's more interested in what's on TV and possibly missing it. WE HAVE A DVR!!

Blanche, I feel your frustration. Literally.

Different people have different sex drives. I know that in American society, men are painted as insatiable when it comes to sex, but that's just not the case. Men's level of desire varies from man to man, and from day to day with the same man.

If your fiance's always had a lower drive than you have, this is something you two will have to negotiate - preferably before legally binding yourselves for life. Start the discussion by sharing each of your ideal frequencies - yours, as you said, is every day; his might be once a week, or three times a month. From there, figure out what you both are willing to commit to: Once a week? Five times a month? Then stick to it. Both of you have to bend on this issue; maybe he prefers a different time of day, and you two can work out X times per month, Y of those times in the morning, or at lunch.

If your fiance has not always had a lower drive, what's changed recently? Could he be depressed? Stressed out? Fatigued? When was his last physical? There are plenty of mental/physical reasons for a sudden change in sex drive, and all of them are more worrisome than you not getting off. Many are very easily addressed; some are not; but a checkup is easy to schedule, and he should do so immediately.

And this is where most advice stops, but I've got one further point. Does he have a kink you're not exploring with him, or could he have one he doesn't think he can share with you?

Plenty of people are kinky in the bedroom, and completely ordinary in real life. Kinks are not something to avoid or ridicule him for. He might want you to be dominant, or he might want to dominate; he might like a specific type of lingerie on you; he might like a specific body part. Many kinky people can have vanilla sex, and find it fulfilling - up to a point. He may just not be getting his sexual needs met, and therefore isn't that interested.

All of these conversations need to take place far away from the bedroom, and all need to be free of accusations and "You" statements: "You never..." "You always..." "I wish you would do...". Better by far to use "I" or "We" statements: "I would like to talk about our sex life." "We should explore this together." There's no blame to be had, here, just a problem to be solved.

If he's unwilling to negotiate, see a physician, or explore his sexuality with you, please don't marry him. Sex is one of the "Big Three" reasons for divorce (the other two are kids and money.). Save both of you the trouble and end it while it's still fairly cheap and easy to do so.