Just. Don't.

Kissie Rose writes:

My stomach is pretty furry. I am pregnant with my second baby and realized that the hair on my tum tum is very obvious. I am getting maternity photos this time around, but am embarrassed for the amount of hair the photographer (and my husband!!!) will see! Should I get my stomach waxed or should I try a depilatory? Any suggestion is appreciated.

The best advice I can give you is not to get bare belly maternity pictures. Seriously. Don't do it. You're not even comfortable with the idea of your husband seeing your bare stomach right now. And even if you were able to get rid of the hair, how will you feel about stretch marks, varicose veins, and your inside-out belly button?

You can still get maternity pictures, just get yourself a cute maternity top (and pants!). Believe me, you will enjoy and appreciate them so much more, and you'll be able to share them with friends and family without ridicule.

Let Me Guess, You Can Quit at Any Time?

Shalon asks:

i keep a bottle of water in my drawer at work, but instead of water it's filled with vodka. I like to have a nip or two throughout the day, and often will add it to my lunchtime Hi-C fruit punch for a little bonus kick. I think one coworker smelled it on my breath recently because she asked me if I had anything to add to her drink because she had a snapple peach tea, but i told her NO. I think she sees me taking random sips from my desk water bottle and grew curious and now thinks I am the office bartender or something. Is there a more discrete way to keep my "water" bottle to myself?

You're an alcoholic. Either that or you're in high school. Really, you keep your booze in a water bottle and mix it with Hi-C?

I don't generally have a problem with drinking at the office. Occasionally grabbing a beer at lunch with friends or celebrating a new contract with champagne is perfectly acceptable. The difference between these examples and your situation is that you're drinking alone, and you're ashamed enough to make pathetic attempts at hiding it.

It's quite possible that your co-worker asked you to share not because she wanted a drink, but because she wanted to discreetly let you know that you're not fooling anyone. If you want to keep your "water" bottle to yourself, leave it at home. If you can't do that, seek the help of a professional.

Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.

Lucie writes:


I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen? 


Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!


So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.


Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal. 


Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.


And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day. 


Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.

See If You Can Guess Our Theme Today

Erica writes:


An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook.  Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me.  I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently.  We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.



When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again.  I hope your life is good."  He didn't write back.  A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding.  In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.


So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding.  He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.


Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding?  I feel sorry for his new wife.  No bride should have to be a runner-up.


What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.


You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me. 


Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies. 


Stay out of it. 

That's Not Your Problem

Stef writes:


My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?


So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?


Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.


The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.


You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies. 


Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him? 


Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?


If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.


If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes. 


This is no way to live. So stop living it.


Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. 

Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room

Rosalita asks:


Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?

I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).

Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.

That's Okay, I Didn't Like Snacks at the Movies, Anyway.

Alvina writes:


My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.


No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on. 


If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home. 

I'll Bet Her Breasts Are "Dirty Pillows"

Salvatrice writes:

I am embarrassed. I like my husband's thing, but sometimes I don't want to touch it just yet because of the goo coming out of the one end. I asked him if it was an STD because I am not so sure what kinds of things men deal with, and he said no. I don't know if I believe him. I keep tissues by the bed to wipe it off before we do it. Do you think this is a sign he cheated and caught a disease? I was a virgin but I am not sure he was when we got married because he said he was, but now I am not so sure because I did not see it leaking goo in photographs. Help. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to catch an STD either!

OK, people, listen up: This is what you get from abstinence-only sex education. This woman can't even call a penis a penis.

Salvatrice, that "goo" is probably pre-ejaculate, also known as pre-come. It helps to lubricate the urethra to make a safe, clean pathway for sperm. It is perfectly healthy, and a normal part of intercourse. The amount of pre-ejaculate varies from man to man, but almost all men produce at least a little bit. For some men, the amount is linked to arousal: the more intense and arousing the foreplay, the more pre-ejaculate he'll secrete.

Pre-ejaculate can contain STI pathogens, but the presence of sperm in it has been found to be rare.

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you invest in several basic sex and sexuality handbooks. A quick Amazon search for "sex and sexuality" brings up over 2,000 results. Read them cover to cover, and if you have more questions, seek out more answers. You can also consult a professional sex educator or sexologist in your area (Google "sex educators" with your city and state) and ask what s/he recommends to help you learn the basic facts about sex, sexuality, and sexual anatomy.

DO NOT watch porn for answers. Porn is very helpful in discovering kinks and predilictions, but it will be useless in helping you discover the facts about basic human sexual function. You need good, solid, medically-based information, and you need it yesterday.

Understanding basic sexual functioning and learning the proper names for body parts will, I promise, do wonders for your sex life, too. Once you're comfortable with the basics, you'll be able to explore your sexual likes and dislikes with your husband. But without a grounding in the basics, you'll never be able to discuss sex like the grown adults you are.

And to anyone else reading: This is why basic sex education is important. Every person should have access to basic, age-appropriate, medically accurate information about sex. I was lucky enough to have comprehensive sex ed in school, but there are plenty of other ways to get this information. Sex columnists like Dan Savage, websites like Scarleteen and Carnal Nation, and books like The Joy Of Sex are all excellent, sex-positive, accurate resources.

No one should go to her marriage bed calling a penis a "thing" and a normal secretion "goo".