Workplace Discrimination

Hush writes:

I think my boss is discriminating against people who are native Spanish-speakers. We work in food service. The company just hired a new floor manager, He already moved one of the ESL workers to the back of the house instead of her original hostess position. He also made a comment to another worker that one of the Spanish cocktail servers are not the right fit for the look of the restaurant. He then complained that another Spanish speaking coworker frustrates him because his accent sometimes makes him hard to understand. These are not people who are disciplinary problems, because if they were they'd not be working here. What can I do at this point now that I see a pattern? And how does this new guy know I'M not Spanish? SO far he seems to trust my abilities and often asks me to cover the cocktail hours, but I don't think it's fair to the people who have been there longer. But since he is my boss and people have hired him to do this job, I am sure they have confidence in him. So maybe I'm wrong?

First, don't assume this man is above reproach just because he got hired for the job. There are plenty of bad managers, and plenty of bigots that work their way into positions of power. "Do you think Hispanic people should be allowed to work the front of the house" isn't a typical interview question. Based on the information you've provided, I think it's safe to say your new boss is exhibiting an ethnic bias, and this isn't a behavior that should be allowed to continue.

That said, this is an accusation that could potentially cost your boss his job, and it should not be made lightly. 

Pay attention the next few times you're at work, and try to document every time he disciplines or makes comments about an employee's behavior. You have to be sure that he's treating the Hispanic employees differently and that he's not just and equal opportunity asshole. I'm not saying you need to walk around with a tape recorder in your pocket--in fact, don't. Just jot down a note when you notice him complaining about or mistreating someone.

Also find out if whether or not you're alone in this observation. In my experience restaurant employees like to gossip, so if you can avoid it, don't bring your suspicions up. Just wait for someone else to mention it. Regardless of whether or not he's acting intentionally, if employees are troubled by his behavior, it constitutes harassment. Finding out if others share your feelings is a good gauge of whether or not you're overreacting.

When you're ready to take action, do a little research. If you work for a large chain or franchise, the corporate office will likely have a hotline you can call to report abuse. If it's a privately owned restaurant, you may need to find a way to speak with the owner.

That's Sexual Harassment, and You Don't Have to Take It

Vinette writes:

One of the supervisors here in my office has a rapport with the ladies who work under him. They constantly joke and tease one another in a harmless way. However, it bothers me and I am not sure if it bothers me because I have a legitimate complaint or because I just feel like letting something bother me. Hopefully you can put me in my place if necessary.


They make sexually charged jokes with one another. While I find that the people involved in the jokes don't mind - and he only jokes with members of his own team - I am not sure how the people who can hear the jokes feel as this all happens during regular working hours on the work floor and not in the breakroom.


I started to get annoyed when he went to one of the lady's desks to tell her he "could smell the bacala" which referenced her stinky vagina. They all laughed and it's a constant joke with them, but teasing one another around me about the smell of a vagina is inappropriate during work. I am not sure how uncomfortable I am for all of that, but it definitely is not something I want to hear while I am working.


However, because he's not my immediate superior, and because his team doesn't mind, I wonder if I just need to let it go and ignore it. I do not interact with this man because I generally do not have to, and he's never rude. I just don't care for his jokes about female body parts and gender roles. So you think this is something I should report to HR, or is it something I should just let go because I am not involved?


I am lost only because I get along wit my coworkers in genera, and don't want to be the one who ruined everyone's fun times during the workday. They may have that casual relationship and who am I to ruin it for them, ya know?

I am shocked that you work at a company that has an HR department but does not have some form of sexual harassment training. It should be common knowledge to anyone working in a professional atmosphere that this behavior is unacceptable. Even if all parties directly involved in the joking are comfortable with it, they're creating a hostile work environment for everyone around them. If the supervisor makes you uncomfortable, the issue needs to be addressed.

Talk to your HR representative. Every conversation you have should be kept strictly confidential, but it wouldn't hurt to let your rep know that you do not want to be named in the report. At the very least, you'll be starting a paper trail that will follow this guy in the event that his behavior escalates.

That's Not Your Problem

Stef writes:


My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?


So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?


Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.


The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.


You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies. 


Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him? 


Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?


If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.


If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes. 


This is no way to live. So stop living it.


Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. 

You Mean Living in a Society Means I Have To Deal With People?

Elsa asks:


Why do people with large strollers think that everyone around them has to move out of their way, wait for them to decide to walk, and hold doors when we might be in more of a hurry? Maybe manufacturers should include owner instructions for people who don't realize that the large SUV sized strollers are an inconvenience, and it's not only them walking the streets needing to go places.

I grant you that it's annoying when people take up an entire walkway and either walk slowly or just stop. But I'm not on board with the stroller hate.

There's a nice double standard here, where you don't want to be inconvenienced by people with children, and yet you expect them to inconvenience themselves for you? I'm sure everyone would love to pay a babysitter every time they need to run to the store for a gallon of milk. And the mom who's pushing 30 pounds of baby, stroller, baby gear, and shopping bags should be happy to take a minute and a half to struggle through a heavy door when it would have taken you 5 seconds to hold it for her.

Jesus be some common courtesy. You get out of this world exactly what you put into it. If you want to have a bad attitude, go ahead. Sneer at and slam doors on new moms. Let us know where that gets you. You might find that when you start treating people with charity and respect you'll be met with genuine appreciation and kindness. Maybe then you won't get so unduly angered by stupid things.

I Wonder Why He Doesn't Hang Out With You?

The oh-so-aptly-named Hater sends us this delightful missive:

My kid sister is 15, has a boyfriend. She promised it wouldn't interfere with her schoolwork, and so far it hasn't. But I think things are too serious, because he's over the house EVERY DAY. They go to different schools, and he's going awy this summer for 2 months anyway, but still. I think it's too much at her age, and she should not be with this kid every single day. She should be with her friends doing the things 15 year olds do! And don't say that "15 year old girls do their boyfriends"...It's not funny! So anyway, how do I tell her she needs to spend a few days during the week apart? Also, it's not fair on my parents to feed this kid 7 days out of the week for dinner. He has a troubled home life and I don't think it's right that he's getting attached.

Are you your sister's legal guardian? Oh - no, I see you're not. So to answer the question you asked - "How do I tell her she needs to spend a few days...apart?" - You don't. You're not her mother or her father. You're not in charge of her, and unless she asks you for advice - which you never mention she's done - you keep your mouth shut.

And now to the question you didn't ask: How do you encourage her to be kind to this boy even after they break up? He obviously craves a stable family situation, and your sister and your parents can offer that to him. You may not think it's right that he's reaching out for any life-raft in the storm that is his "troubled home life", but that just makes you a bitch. This kid needs some sort of positive, loving influence, and your family offers that to him. Is he taking something away from you by being cared for this way? No? Then shut the fuck up. "It's not fair on my parents to feed this kid" - It's not fair for him to have shitty parents!

This kid needs your family. It's not simply about dating your sister, though that's what brought him into their lives. Your family is providing him something he doesn't get at home - and frankly, seeing how you turned out, I can't imagine what kind of a horror show his family must be that yours is better, because it's not like they raised you to be a decent, kind, loving human being. Aside from the fact that 15-year-olds have pretty intense focus and attachment to objects of desire, this kid is using your parents as surrogates, and I think that he should be encouraged in that. As miserably as they failed with you, if they're better than his own parents, he should be allowed to hang out as much as he needs.

Grow up. Recognize someone else's needs. If you really want to get this kid away from your sister (for no clear reason that you've articulated, by the way), why don't you find him a Big Brother instead of whining about it?

If He Lived Alone, What Would He Do?

W. H. writes:

I think my husband thinks because I'm a girl that I have to do the majority of "women's work". How do I get him to see that we both have things to do around the house?

It might help if you stop referring to yourself - a grown-ass married woman - as a "girl", just for starters.

You should have discussed division of labor when you first moved in together. Yes, I'm assuming that you lived together before marriage; if you didn't, you should have discussed division of labor as part of your preparations for marriage. Since you didn't, you have to discuss it now.

If both of you work outside the home, full-time, you need an equal division of labor. Make a list of all the chores related to keeping the home - sweeping, mopping, laundry, cooking, mowing the lawn, washing the cars, painting the house, common repairs. Go through the list together and offer to do the chores you don't mind, or even enjoy (I love to cook, for example, and don't mind doing the laundry at all.). He should offer to do the ones he doesn't mind. For the ones leftover, decide if you can hire someone to do them for you (it may be worth it if you both hate them), and if not, if you want to alternate doing them, do them together, or draw straws or some other method for getting them done. This ensures all the chores are done, and no one feels resentment because they always get stuck doing the things they hate.

If one of you works part-time, it's perfectly reasonable to assume that one will do more in and around the house than the other. If you're a part-timer, your chore assignments will depend on your schedule: you might not be available to pull weeds on the weekends, for example, but you can throw something in the crockpot on weekdays so that the full-timer comes home to a nutritious meal. The part-timer can start the laundry if the full-timer folds it, etc., etc. There may be more chores the part-timer is expected to do, but "division of labor" should include the time spent working outside the home, as without it, there wouldn't be a home to care for.

If one of you doesn't work at all, then yes, the bulk of the work around the home falls to that one. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement; working inside the home is not demeaning or less necessary than working outside of it. It isn't out of the question for whoever works outside the home to expect that a stay-at-home-spouse (SAHS) will keep a clean, inviting, well-organized and tended home. The SAHS should take pride in this, as it is a job, just like any one outside the home is; the pay is in having time to do things together, and not fight about chores.

You will notice that nothing I've said here references gender. That's because gender doesn't matter. There is no such thing as "women's work". There is work outside the home and work inside the home, and both contribute to a functioning relationship and a fulfilling home life. If your husband fails to see you as a fully-realized human being in your own right, and insists upon treating you like a "girl", like some "other" because you're female, well, that's a different question altogether. Chores are chores are chores - none of those involved in keeping a home require a certain set of genitalia, and should never be treated as if they do.