Izzabella writes:
My husband is going to be an usher in one of his old college buddy's wedding in a month and wants to go to the bachelor party, but the bach party is going to be a two-night trip over 4 hours away in a hotel with who knows what going on. If he was single, I can probably see why he'd want to go. But he's married (obviously, if he is my husband) and I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to participate in debauchery. I think that he should be the example and stay home with his family, maybe go to meet the guys for lunch or dinner the second night and then come home. He thinks that this is a tradition and he should participate because he's in the wedding and that is what the men do. But he won't tell me what they have planned because he said it's a bach party and women shouldn't be involved, I should just trust him. It's not that I don't trust him but I just don't think it's right for a married guy to spend a weekend pretending he's not married. How can I explain this to my husband without making it seem like I want him to not have friends??
I think, ultimately, your comfort with your husband's participation in this party comes down to what exactly will be going on during it--and he doesn't seem willing to tell you. That, to me, is a red flag.
So tell me, does "pretending he's not married" mean staying out until 4, getting drunk, and passing out on the bathroom floor? Or does it mean spending his last paycheck on lapdances? Because there's a big gap between the two.
Explain to your husband that his hesitation to tell you what they have planned doesn't warm you to the idea of his participation. Marriage is about openness, honesty and understanding. So try to compromise: if he can be open and honest about the plans, you can be understanding. If all they really want to do is drink beer and eat nachos, maybe you can let him hang out for a few days. If they want to see how many strippers they can get to sleeping with them in 48 hours, I can see why you wouldn't be too excited.
Probably the reality falls somewhere in between these two scenarios. So ask yourself. Is it okay for your husband to be in a strip club if he's not a participant in the festivities? Is the prospect of not being allowed to go emasculating to your husband? Do the two of you have that large of a disparity in values?
The key here is communication. Let him know exactly what you're not okay with, and why. And listen to him when he tells you what he wants to do with the guys and why it doesn't change how much he loves you. Once you're able to be clear with each other, you can come up with a solution that's acceptable for both of you.
Showing posts with label compromise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label compromise. Show all posts
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Where The Towels Are His And His And Hers....
Jessie writes:
My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?
Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.
Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom.
You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.
But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.
I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.
If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man?
And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias.
Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.
My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?
Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.
Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom.
You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.
But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.
I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.
If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man?
And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias.
Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Who Said Marriage Was Hard?
Patricia writes:
My husband has been working a LOT lately - he is a consultant and his practice group won more work than they anticipated, so he (and the rest of his team) have been averaging 80-100hrs/week since late May, early June, including a significant amount of out-of-state travel time. He's been very stressed and is always focused on work, pulling several all-nighters at the tail end of this stretch. The phrase "ships passing in the night" comes to mind.
Exactly a week ago (last Wednesday) he wrapped up his last major project (which had involved some all-nighters). That night, I was hanging out in bed and he came upstairs - I expected him to vent about work and for the two of us to catch up. And he vented, all right - he started by reiterating an issue we've had come up before, which is that I haven't developed the type of relationship with his family that he expected me to after we got married. This has, in the past, boiled down to my not liking to talk on the phone, and (admitted) refusal to break that for his parents. Now, however, it was much, much more than that - he claims that, unless we're up visiting his parents, I'm "cold" and I just "don't care."
And it went on, over the next two nights. He told me he had essentially misled me (and possibly himself) as to major portions of his personality for the duration of our 5-year relationship. Generally, he told me that he was unhappy with where he was in life and needed to "get away" to think about it and figure things out. For example, he told me that he wanted to take a job that involved significant travel (3-4 days a week, regularly), and to be involved with volunteer groups and boards for business development, and would be OK with not being around the house about 6 days out of the week...but that I "kept him" from doing these things because "he knew" I wouldn't like it. He "knows" that I don't like it, even when I specifically tell him that it's OK.
He spent two nights - Friday and Sunday - with his friends, leaving me at home with the dogs. I generally embarassed myself multiple times when he WAS home, crying and telling him how our goals weren't mutually exclusive, how we could figure things out if he would just talk to me about the opportunities he wanted to pursue. I begged him to understand that I was on his side and that things weren't adversarial.
Since the big outburst he has basically refused to pay attention to me and has avoided me as much as possible. He had class Monday night after work, and stayed afterwards to "do homework." (He would usually come home to do this.) He emailed me Tuesday at 5:15 to let me know he was "stuck" at work and would be home at about 7:30. He told me that he had found a networking event to go to on Wednesday evening, after our first marriage counseling session.
I've told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot deal with this. He is pulling away from me, and I can't stop that. I've told him more than once that this is not an acceptable way for him to deal with his issues. While I want to help him figure things out, and while I want us to talk about these major life changes he's thrown at me and make a decision about them TOGETHER, I can't do that if he continues to withdraw and avoid me.
We saw a marriage counselor yesterday, and it seems like something that could be productive. But he's going to his parents' this weekend on a pre-planed trip, and is traveling for work all next week (in fact, he told me specifically that they "wanted him there Monday morning," but that he would go out in the afternoon immediately after our next counseling session instead. He opted not to go to the networking event after our first counseling session, but instead did work until about 7:45pm and then spent several hours on LinkedIn sending messages for his "networking." He keeps telling me he hasn't checked out, and wants to make this work - he thought that sitting on his computer was "hanging out with me," and doesn't seem to know (or care) what I mean when I tell him I need us to shut up and make an effort to try to reconnect.
I'm at a loss. Right now, and as I told him last night, I have all of the downsides of marriage (another person's schedule to be aware of, someone asking for validation and a "good job" every time they accomplish something at work, someone else's things in my house) and none of the benefits (sex, companionship, someone to split the responsibilities of running a household and walking the dogs). My friends are telling me that he's being selfish and assy, but that counseling and time will help. But me...I don't know if I read too much of the nest, but I feel like he's telling me, not with words but with actions, that he's "just not that into me." I'm struggling right now with whether or not it's too soon to take "drastic" measures, like moving out. We (and I hate saying "we," since I feel like it's really "he") have only been having these issues for a week now, but it's been months since we've had any time to spend together and just be husband and wife. There is no practical (i.e. financial) reason for me not to leave - it's purely an emotional, is-this-really-doomed-and-if-not-how-long-do-I-stick-around-and-get-punched-in-the-gut issue.
I value your input. Please give it.
My husband has been working a LOT lately - he is a consultant and his practice group won more work than they anticipated, so he (and the rest of his team) have been averaging 80-100hrs/week since late May, early June, including a significant amount of out-of-state travel time. He's been very stressed and is always focused on work, pulling several all-nighters at the tail end of this stretch. The phrase "ships passing in the night" comes to mind.
Exactly a week ago (last Wednesday) he wrapped up his last major project (which had involved some all-nighters). That night, I was hanging out in bed and he came upstairs - I expected him to vent about work and for the two of us to catch up. And he vented, all right - he started by reiterating an issue we've had come up before, which is that I haven't developed the type of relationship with his family that he expected me to after we got married. This has, in the past, boiled down to my not liking to talk on the phone, and (admitted) refusal to break that for his parents. Now, however, it was much, much more than that - he claims that, unless we're up visiting his parents, I'm "cold" and I just "don't care."
And it went on, over the next two nights. He told me he had essentially misled me (and possibly himself) as to major portions of his personality for the duration of our 5-year relationship. Generally, he told me that he was unhappy with where he was in life and needed to "get away" to think about it and figure things out. For example, he told me that he wanted to take a job that involved significant travel (3-4 days a week, regularly), and to be involved with volunteer groups and boards for business development, and would be OK with not being around the house about 6 days out of the week...but that I "kept him" from doing these things because "he knew" I wouldn't like it. He "knows" that I don't like it, even when I specifically tell him that it's OK.
He spent two nights - Friday and Sunday - with his friends, leaving me at home with the dogs. I generally embarassed myself multiple times when he WAS home, crying and telling him how our goals weren't mutually exclusive, how we could figure things out if he would just talk to me about the opportunities he wanted to pursue. I begged him to understand that I was on his side and that things weren't adversarial.
Since the big outburst he has basically refused to pay attention to me and has avoided me as much as possible. He had class Monday night after work, and stayed afterwards to "do homework." (He would usually come home to do this.) He emailed me Tuesday at 5:15 to let me know he was "stuck" at work and would be home at about 7:30. He told me that he had found a networking event to go to on Wednesday evening, after our first marriage counseling session.
I've told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot deal with this. He is pulling away from me, and I can't stop that. I've told him more than once that this is not an acceptable way for him to deal with his issues. While I want to help him figure things out, and while I want us to talk about these major life changes he's thrown at me and make a decision about them TOGETHER, I can't do that if he continues to withdraw and avoid me.
We saw a marriage counselor yesterday, and it seems like something that could be productive. But he's going to his parents' this weekend on a pre-planed trip, and is traveling for work all next week (in fact, he told me specifically that they "wanted him there Monday morning," but that he would go out in the afternoon immediately after our next counseling session instead. He opted not to go to the networking event after our first counseling session, but instead did work until about 7:45pm and then spent several hours on LinkedIn sending messages for his "networking." He keeps telling me he hasn't checked out, and wants to make this work - he thought that sitting on his computer was "hanging out with me," and doesn't seem to know (or care) what I mean when I tell him I need us to shut up and make an effort to try to reconnect.
I'm at a loss. Right now, and as I told him last night, I have all of the downsides of marriage (another person's schedule to be aware of, someone asking for validation and a "good job" every time they accomplish something at work, someone else's things in my house) and none of the benefits (sex, companionship, someone to split the responsibilities of running a household and walking the dogs). My friends are telling me that he's being selfish and assy, but that counseling and time will help. But me...I don't know if I read too much of the nest, but I feel like he's telling me, not with words but with actions, that he's "just not that into me." I'm struggling right now with whether or not it's too soon to take "drastic" measures, like moving out. We (and I hate saying "we," since I feel like it's really "he") have only been having these issues for a week now, but it's been months since we've had any time to spend together and just be husband and wife. There is no practical (i.e. financial) reason for me not to leave - it's purely an emotional, is-this-really-doomed-and-if-not-how-long-do-I-stick-around-and-get-punched-in-the-gut issue.
I value your input. Please give it.
The short answer is yes. I think it's too soon for you to take drastic measures. Your husband has been under considerable stress and pressure for months, and the two of you have been having problems for a week. Did it take you longer than a week to decide to get married? Why wouldn't you give divorce the same consideration?
Marriage is a life-long commitment. I don't care if right now you think you made a mistake. You still have a responsibility to honor your vows. The only way you'd get a pass from me is if staying in the marriage was causing you harm.
You say you're on his side, and that you support his career aspirations. But do you really? You don't speak to fondly of the last couple months when his schedule was busy. You complain that sharing your home and providing moral support to him are "the downsides" of marriage. And when he chose to work from home instead of going to an event you complained that the time you spent together wasn't quality. It sounds to me like he knows you better than you know yourself, because you are not on his side here.
And let me just say--my husband works 80-100 hours in a slow week. I know what it's like to wish he was home more often. I also know that his drive and intelligence are two of the things that attracted me to him. If he didn't work as hard as he did, he wouldn't be the man I love. I appreciate every moment we get to spend together, even when we're both staring at our respective computer screens. Would you believe that being understanding of his schedule makes him less stressed out in his free time, which leads to more quality time for us? This is a situation where you need to adjust your expectations and choose your attitude.
I will grant you that he should have been more honest about his goals before you were married, and it was silly of him to think that putting a ring on your finger was going to magically change your relationship with his family. But it takes two to make a marriage work, and you are both going to have to give a little here.
Counseling is a step in the right direction, and the fact that you're already finding it productive is a good sign. No one is going to fix your relationship in one 50 minute session, though. It's going to take a lot of work from both of you. So start working and stop looking for the easy way out.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's Not Easy...
Sessily asks:
I love the color green, my future hubby does not. Any compromise? He thinks I go overboard, because I like sage green waall paint and wear a lot of green aand want to incorporate jade green roses as my wedding flower, and he thinks it's too much green like leprechaun vomit.
There's plenty of room to compromise here. I could see your fiance's problem if you planned to paint every room in the house green, and compliment it with green curtains, green furniture, green carpet and green kitchen appliances. However, green compliments a whole lot of colors. If he doesn't want sage walls, you could go with an earthy beige and add green accents in the rug, throw pillows, etc. For your wedding colors, pick his favorite and put the two together. You can do gorgeous things with green and blue, green and purple, green and yellow, green and brown, etc. The only combo I might stay away from is green and red, but even that could work for a Christmas wedding.
The key here is that you need to learn how to work green into a color scheme so it won't look like "leprechaun vomit," and he needs to appreciate green when it's used in moderation.
I love the color green, my future hubby does not. Any compromise? He thinks I go overboard, because I like sage green waall paint and wear a lot of green aand want to incorporate jade green roses as my wedding flower, and he thinks it's too much green like leprechaun vomit.
There's plenty of room to compromise here. I could see your fiance's problem if you planned to paint every room in the house green, and compliment it with green curtains, green furniture, green carpet and green kitchen appliances. However, green compliments a whole lot of colors. If he doesn't want sage walls, you could go with an earthy beige and add green accents in the rug, throw pillows, etc. For your wedding colors, pick his favorite and put the two together. You can do gorgeous things with green and blue, green and purple, green and yellow, green and brown, etc. The only combo I might stay away from is green and red, but even that could work for a Christmas wedding.
The key here is that you need to learn how to work green into a color scheme so it won't look like "leprechaun vomit," and he needs to appreciate green when it's used in moderation.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Name Game
Lainey asks:
Help!! I don't have a problem taking my husband's last name as a woman, you know? I WANT to be Mrs. His Last Name. But my finace just proposed (YAY!!) and I think he has the ugliest last name imaginable. It's never crossed my mind before, but I don't want to be known as Mrs. Schnitz, which is hella ugly!! How do I tell him I don't want to change my last name because his is so ugly?? I would rather keep my name and have our kids go by Schnitz Baker and then just Baker in school because Schnitz is so weird. I don't want to hurt his feelings!
So you've been dating this guy long enough to get engaged and whether or not you'd take his last name never came up in conversation?
At the end of the day, your last name is your decision. If you want to keep your maiden name, you really don't owe your fiance any explanation beyond "it's my name and I'm keeping it." When it comes to your children, however, it's a touchier subject. He has just as much right to share his last name with his children as you have to share yours. And there is no way to tell him his name is weird without hurting his feelings.
There are some compromises. You could change both your last names to something mutually agreeable. Some people give their sons the father's last name and their daughters the mother's last name.
Or, you could embrace the funny last name and make it your own, so to speak. I know plenty of people who have potentially awful last names that really seem to enjoy them. My own maiden name is virtually impossible to spell or pronounce, and when you say it correctly, it sounds like you just sneezed. But I loved it, and I was happy to have a last name that not a lot of people had. I changed it not because I found my husband's name any more or less desirable, but because I wanted our family to share one name.
Think about it this way, if your children's last name is Schnitz, you won't be tempted to name them things like Neveah Imunique Baker to make them stand out.
Help!! I don't have a problem taking my husband's last name as a woman, you know? I WANT to be Mrs. His Last Name. But my finace just proposed (YAY!!) and I think he has the ugliest last name imaginable. It's never crossed my mind before, but I don't want to be known as Mrs. Schnitz, which is hella ugly!! How do I tell him I don't want to change my last name because his is so ugly?? I would rather keep my name and have our kids go by Schnitz Baker and then just Baker in school because Schnitz is so weird. I don't want to hurt his feelings!
So you've been dating this guy long enough to get engaged and whether or not you'd take his last name never came up in conversation?
At the end of the day, your last name is your decision. If you want to keep your maiden name, you really don't owe your fiance any explanation beyond "it's my name and I'm keeping it." When it comes to your children, however, it's a touchier subject. He has just as much right to share his last name with his children as you have to share yours. And there is no way to tell him his name is weird without hurting his feelings.
There are some compromises. You could change both your last names to something mutually agreeable. Some people give their sons the father's last name and their daughters the mother's last name.
Or, you could embrace the funny last name and make it your own, so to speak. I know plenty of people who have potentially awful last names that really seem to enjoy them. My own maiden name is virtually impossible to spell or pronounce, and when you say it correctly, it sounds like you just sneezed. But I loved it, and I was happy to have a last name that not a lot of people had. I changed it not because I found my husband's name any more or less desirable, but because I wanted our family to share one name.
Think about it this way, if your children's last name is Schnitz, you won't be tempted to name them things like Neveah Imunique Baker to make them stand out.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Why Wouldn't She Want To Clean Up After Someone As Sweet As You?
Nestor writes:
My wife is so lazy. We share house chores and I end up doing the majority of the stuff like laundry and garbage and dishes. She does some things also and we both work full time, but she took a week off from work just to take vacation days and ended up spending the week watching TV and filling out crossword puzzles. I would have preferred that she used her vacation for a trip we want to take rather than sit on her butt all week and do nothing. And then I get home from a long day of work and the dishes have piled up in the sink and the garbage is full and smells. I can understand wanting to rest, but how can I get her to see that she needs to at least clean up after herself like an adult? I am about to stay with my parents to show her that she needs to learn how to take care of the house just like I do.
So, just out of curiosity, who is cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, paying the bills, mowing the lawn...you get my drift. Is it possible that you're so preoccupied by moaning about the chores you hate that you're losing sight of the things your wife does do?
Have you tried discussing your current division of labor and reassigning chores so you don't feel like you're stuck with all the bad ones? Your suggested solution of moving out before you talk like adults leads me to believe that you're not as right as you think you are.
The vacation issue is another situation where you need to use your words. Does your wife know you'd like to go on a trip? Have you actively discussed saving and planning for it, or do you just talk about it in abstract terms? Many companies have "use or lose" vacation policies, or perhaps her job is just stressful and she wanted a break. You can hardly blame her if she didn't know you had other plans for her time.
Sit down and have a mature conversation. Check the demeaning attitude at the door. Calling her lazy and telling her she doesn't contribute aren't going to inspire a helpful attitude. Start with "Hey, you know I really hate doing the dishes. How about we swap and I'll cook this week if you clean?" Maybe go on to say, "You know how we keep talking about going to Cancun? Let's figure out when we'll have the vacation time and the money and talk to a travel agent." Not so hard, is it?
My wife is so lazy. We share house chores and I end up doing the majority of the stuff like laundry and garbage and dishes. She does some things also and we both work full time, but she took a week off from work just to take vacation days and ended up spending the week watching TV and filling out crossword puzzles. I would have preferred that she used her vacation for a trip we want to take rather than sit on her butt all week and do nothing. And then I get home from a long day of work and the dishes have piled up in the sink and the garbage is full and smells. I can understand wanting to rest, but how can I get her to see that she needs to at least clean up after herself like an adult? I am about to stay with my parents to show her that she needs to learn how to take care of the house just like I do.
So, just out of curiosity, who is cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, paying the bills, mowing the lawn...you get my drift. Is it possible that you're so preoccupied by moaning about the chores you hate that you're losing sight of the things your wife does do?
Have you tried discussing your current division of labor and reassigning chores so you don't feel like you're stuck with all the bad ones? Your suggested solution of moving out before you talk like adults leads me to believe that you're not as right as you think you are.
The vacation issue is another situation where you need to use your words. Does your wife know you'd like to go on a trip? Have you actively discussed saving and planning for it, or do you just talk about it in abstract terms? Many companies have "use or lose" vacation policies, or perhaps her job is just stressful and she wanted a break. You can hardly blame her if she didn't know you had other plans for her time.
Sit down and have a mature conversation. Check the demeaning attitude at the door. Calling her lazy and telling her she doesn't contribute aren't going to inspire a helpful attitude. Start with "Hey, you know I really hate doing the dishes. How about we swap and I'll cook this week if you clean?" Maybe go on to say, "You know how we keep talking about going to Cancun? Let's figure out when we'll have the vacation time and the money and talk to a travel agent." Not so hard, is it?
Just Cause
Stretched-too-far writes:
A few years ago I casually signed up for a volunteer position that I thought would take a few hours per month. Little did I know that this would turn into a part-time job every summer. The past two years I struggled through thinking that once we could get a few more volunteers, my work load would decrease. This year we finally have more volunteers but it hasn't been better at all. Now I have lots of work to do and lots of volunteers that mess up, don't do their jobs and make my job more difficult.
I don't enjoy this volunteer job and although it is a very worthy cause, I am not very passionate about the charity I'm helping. I find myself resenting all of the hours that I put into it.
So what is your advice? Should I quit? If I do, how do I break the news? I can't help but feel like a big baby when this is such a worthy cause.
It sounds to me like your kindness is being taken advantage of. At the very least you've been going above and beyond for over two years and should feel no guilt about moving on. As a volunteer, you owe this charity no more than what you're willing to give them. Worthy cause or not, if you feel like your time would be better spent on something else, then you're well within your rights to quit.
It's not easy to walk away from something like this. You don't want to feel like a quitter, and you don't want to disappoint the people who really are passionate about this cause. But think about it this way: the cause deserves your best, and if you're unhappy with what you're doing, then your best isn't what they're getting.
Is there anything else you can do to stay involved to a lesser degree? Perhaps you could offer to work a specific annual event, or you could decide that instead of giving your time you'll increase your financial contribution. See if there's a way to stay involved without wearing yourself out.
As far as breaking the news, you just have to be direct. Talk to the charity director or whomever you report to in person, and tell them that due to personal commitments you'll no longer be able to work for them in the same capacity. Have a specific end date in mind; agreeing to stay on until they find a replacement gives them little motivation to find someone. You may want to offer your services for a smaller, lower stress position, or to let them know they can keep you on their mailing list. Letting them know you still support the cause will go a long way toward not burning a bridge.
Good luck.
A few years ago I casually signed up for a volunteer position that I thought would take a few hours per month. Little did I know that this would turn into a part-time job every summer. The past two years I struggled through thinking that once we could get a few more volunteers, my work load would decrease. This year we finally have more volunteers but it hasn't been better at all. Now I have lots of work to do and lots of volunteers that mess up, don't do their jobs and make my job more difficult.
I don't enjoy this volunteer job and although it is a very worthy cause, I am not very passionate about the charity I'm helping. I find myself resenting all of the hours that I put into it.
So what is your advice? Should I quit? If I do, how do I break the news? I can't help but feel like a big baby when this is such a worthy cause.
It sounds to me like your kindness is being taken advantage of. At the very least you've been going above and beyond for over two years and should feel no guilt about moving on. As a volunteer, you owe this charity no more than what you're willing to give them. Worthy cause or not, if you feel like your time would be better spent on something else, then you're well within your rights to quit.
It's not easy to walk away from something like this. You don't want to feel like a quitter, and you don't want to disappoint the people who really are passionate about this cause. But think about it this way: the cause deserves your best, and if you're unhappy with what you're doing, then your best isn't what they're getting.
Is there anything else you can do to stay involved to a lesser degree? Perhaps you could offer to work a specific annual event, or you could decide that instead of giving your time you'll increase your financial contribution. See if there's a way to stay involved without wearing yourself out.
As far as breaking the news, you just have to be direct. Talk to the charity director or whomever you report to in person, and tell them that due to personal commitments you'll no longer be able to work for them in the same capacity. Have a specific end date in mind; agreeing to stay on until they find a replacement gives them little motivation to find someone. You may want to offer your services for a smaller, lower stress position, or to let them know they can keep you on their mailing list. Letting them know you still support the cause will go a long way toward not burning a bridge.
Good luck.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
iPod People
Sasseroni asks:
I hate that my husband wears his IPOD everywhere: when he walks to to the store a few blocks away, or rides public transport and even falls asleep. I am so afraid something will happen to him and he's unaware of his surroundings. He thinks I am overreacting. Am I???
Maybe a little bit. I'd be more concerned about long-term hearing loss than the likelihood of his getting mugged. For a quick walk to the store in a well-trafficked area, or his regular morning/afternoon commute it's not unreasonable for him to want to listen to music, especially if it helps the time pass faster. On the other hand, if he's wearing earphones while he's driving, or while in unpopulated, poorly lit, or unfamiliar territory, you do have cause for concern.
You may want to try to compromise here. Tell him you'd feel more comfortable if he left the iPod at home when he's traveling at night or going somewhere he's never been. Or, if the two of you are going somewhere together, tell him you'd rather him spend the time talking with you.
When he does use the iPod, ask him to make sure the volume is kept do a level that doesn't completely drown out ambient noise. He should still be able to speak with someone sitting next to him, and the people around him should not be able to hear what he's listening to.
I hate that my husband wears his IPOD everywhere: when he walks to to the store a few blocks away, or rides public transport and even falls asleep. I am so afraid something will happen to him and he's unaware of his surroundings. He thinks I am overreacting. Am I???
Maybe a little bit. I'd be more concerned about long-term hearing loss than the likelihood of his getting mugged. For a quick walk to the store in a well-trafficked area, or his regular morning/afternoon commute it's not unreasonable for him to want to listen to music, especially if it helps the time pass faster. On the other hand, if he's wearing earphones while he's driving, or while in unpopulated, poorly lit, or unfamiliar territory, you do have cause for concern.
You may want to try to compromise here. Tell him you'd feel more comfortable if he left the iPod at home when he's traveling at night or going somewhere he's never been. Or, if the two of you are going somewhere together, tell him you'd rather him spend the time talking with you.
When he does use the iPod, ask him to make sure the volume is kept do a level that doesn't completely drown out ambient noise. He should still be able to speak with someone sitting next to him, and the people around him should not be able to hear what he's listening to.
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