I Don't Think "Overbearing" Quite Covers It

Help! writes:

My fiance's family is a little nuts I think. His aunt asked us if certain friends of the family were invited, and due to budget and space, certain people were excluded from our list. We explained this to her, and kept the guest list to only immediate family members and very VERY few friends. His aunt printed up invitations on her computer with our wedding information on it and handed them out to the people she felt should have been invited, which is total about 20 people.

My future mother in law defended his aunt saying that she was just excited and we should let her just have this moment of happiness or whatever, but we're not in a position to let people create their own guest lists!!! I mean, we're adults and shouldn't be bullied by our elders into doing what they want us to do.

We have contacted these people as well as his aunt, but we're now afraid that some people may have been given an invitation without RSVPing and will just show up. Would it be wrong to now contact the people
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.

Well, no, I wouldn't have my guests present an invitation. They've been invited, and are abiding by the rules: why should they have to prove that they're in the right? That's terrible hosting.

But it's not rude to politely turn away uninvited guests at the door. If you can station a couple of people near the door, they should be able to head off the uninvited as they come in, or while they search for their table assignments or something similar. Anyone you choose for this job should be able to steer the offenders toward the door, telling them kindly but firmly that, no, in fact, letting them in simply won't be possible. Hope they have a good night.

But more troubling to me is that you never say what your fiance did about his mother and aunt. Did he tell them this was unacceptable behavior? Did he make it absolutely crystal clear that this was an appalling stunt? Or did he just sort of let them get away with it, and then clean up the mess?

Because, honey, if he's not reading them the riot act? This won't be the last time you're cleaning up a mess they insist they had a right to make. Do you want to live with that for the next fifty or sixty years?

Only worry about the uninvited once you've answered that question - because depending on how this situation went down, that worry might be moot.

Nope, Not Normal.

MLP asks:

I have a serious crush on a celebrity.  It's bad.  I find myself day dreaming about what it would be like if we were friends or what would happen if I ran into him one day in an airport or on the street.  I read everything I can about him and have even found his address online and thought about flying to LA to find it (not to break in or anything, just to maybe see him getting into his car).  I've sent him a few e-mail messages to what I think is his personal e-mail account, but I never got a reply.  I'm thinking of writing him a letter to send through a fan club and sending him a gift of some sort.  What can I say that will make him take notice?  Or should I just come back to earth and remember that I am just a little nobody in a town he has never heard of?

P.S. I am cuter than that piece of trash he has been dating.

Regardless of how cute you are, this level of interest in a person you've never met is not okay. Celebrities are not the people they play on TV or in the movies. They often aren't even the people they act like when the media is around. You sound like you are seriously confusing fantasy and reality.

It's time to refocus your energy on people you actually know. If you're not capable of maintaining actual relationships because of this crush, then you need professional help.

And This Is Why We're Here

Hater wrote back:

Well it turns out you guys want to insult people instead of giving them truthful advice. NO I am not jealous. I think 15 is too young to spend every day with a boyfriend, and it's especially young to have to deal with a boyfriend who haas a troubled home life. If my parents want to help him, that is their decision. She's not going to be with this kid forever, and when she does break up with him he'll be heartbroken. No 15 year old kid needs that drama. BUT ha, your advice is to stop being a bitch because I didn't have a boyfriend when I was 15 and I probably still don't? You really wanna get legit with that advice? GOOD LUCK.

It's letters like this that make what we do worth it. Seriously, we love this stuff.

Hater, you do sound jealous, and your attitude will do nothing to help your sister or her boyfriend. So you can keep being angry and tell us we're wrong, or you can realize that regardless of how insulted you were by our advice, all we did was correctly point out that your attitude will get you nowhere.

You never once provided a legitimate concern about this relationship. Are you worried that they're sexually active? Are you concerned that neither one of them is branching out into other friendships/interests? You've said that her school work hasn't suffered, they don't go to the same school, and he's going to be gone for most of the summer. If it was a female friend hanging out at the house this often would you still be concerned? Why or why not?

When you properly articulate your concerns and make it clear that it's your sister you're worried about and not your particular black and white brand of right and wrong, then we won't be as quick to think you're complaining about nothing.

Tell your sister and her boyfriend that we hope they have a nice summer.

"When she wants something, she don't want to pay for it"

Stealy Dani writes:

Every time I go shopping, I feel compelled to grab something small and leave without paying. I am always worried that the next time will be the time I get caught, but it's just so darn easy. Oftentimes, I just go into dressing rooms and add a layer of free clothing underneath what I am already wearing. You know, as long as it doesn't have a sensor tag or sticker on it. I leave stuff in my food cart without paying. I try and go shopping alone because my fear is to bring someone and they get accused of stealing. Should I just try avoiding shopping for a while, or shop online?

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, and nothing I say herein should be taken to be expert advice from a trained mental-health professional.

First of all, Stealy, you asked the wrong question. Avoiding shopping or shopping online won't solve the problem. It may keep you from stealing for the immediate future, but you're not stealing because you're in need or because you're a career criminal, so avoidance won't stop the behavior forever. That said, YES, please stop stealing immediately if you can!

You need to see a trained therapist to deal with this. You may protest that you can't afford it, and there is an idea that therapy is very expensive, but it needn't be so. There are many counseling options available to you if your health insurance won't cover psychiatric care, or if you don't have health insurance. Many counselors work on a sliding fee scale, especially if they're connected to a free health-care clinic or other low-income health care resource. Google "sliding scale counselors" or "low-income therapists" to get yourself started. And if your insurance does cover it, huzzah! Take full advantage of that coverage.

The therapist should guide you through the reasons you steal, and work to address those issues with you so that you don't need to resort to petty theft to either stop the pain caused by those issues or to engender a high that helps you ignore the issues. Before you go into therapy, you can start to ask yourself why you steal. What makes you think you're entitled to have those things without paying? Does it make you feel smarter than the store staff to get away with it - as if you've put one over on them? Do you think the stores are ripping everyone off, and therefore it's okay if you do the same to them? Answering questions like those will help you and your therapist narrow down your reasons for shoplifting.

Persevere until you find a good therapist that you connect with. Refuse to see anyone who wants to refer you back to your primary care physician for a pill that will "fix" you. You will have to be a partner in your therapy, be an active patient and help the therapist help you. It might be a lot of work - but you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you put in the effort before the criminal justice system forces you.

Good luck. Please let us know how it goes for you.

Dealing with Mouthbreathers

I am in customer service. How do you think I can address people who breathe into the phone? I get deep  breaths screaming in my ear between words and I sometimes actually disconnect the call because it's like nails on a chalkboard. I can't do that as much as I want to because I really need to help these people, but making them more tolerable would be a help. TIA, sincerely, awaiting your reply.

Dear Awaiting,

There go my plans to turn WYPF into a call-in helpline. I don't think I could do what you do all day. I have enough trouble when my mom calls, sounding like she's in the middle of a marathon. Unfortunately, my usual response--"Ma! Quit eating the phone. I can't hear myself think!"--won't help in your particular situation.

Since you have to be careful to protect the delicate sensibilities of your customers, I would go with a three-phased approach.

Phase 1: Grin and Bear It

If it's one customer, and the conversation is under five minutes, I'd do my best to ignore the Darth Vader noises emanating from the phone. Imagine that your customer is a compulsive hoarder, and that the stench of cat urine is aggravating her asthma. It may not make you feel better about the customer, but it will make you feel better about yourself.

Phase 2: Suggest They Stop Breathing

If it's your 18th customer, and they've been yammering for 10 minutes or more, no amount of imagination will help you. At this point, it would not be inappropriate to say, "I'm sorry sir, I'm having trouble hearing you. It may help if you hold the phone a little farther from your face." Of course, here you run the risk of your customer holding the phone at arms length and then yelling that they can't hear you.

Phase 3: Pass the Buck

When all else fails, you have to watch out for your own sanity. You're not doing any of your other customers any favors by getting disproportionately (though not necessarily unreasonably) angry at an annoying caller. When you reach this point, your current course of action is the only way to save yourself. Either "accidentally" drop the call, or realize that their particular issue has to be solved by a manager.

Don't you sometimes wish water were thicker?

Ruby writes:

My sister is a rather difficult person. At best. She has continually created situations where she is made out to be the victim when, in fact, she is really the perpetrator.  For example, she made me cry twice on my wedding day because I didn't get her a flower for her hair. And when my parents called her out on joining a cult, she tried to get us all to go to a "seminar", then told us it was our fault she couldn't speak to us anymore, because we refused to follow the cult's teachings. I want to have a relationship with her even though if we weren't related by blood I wouldn't even consider her to be someone I would want anywhere near my life. What should i do?

Yikes.

My first instinct is to tell you to forget it, it's not worth it, but you've obviously explored that option, and it isn't emotionally right for you.  So it's time for Crazy Muffs.

This may not seem germane, but wait for it: In the movie Old School, Vince Vaughn plays a suburban dad with a little son he carts with him everywhere. Whenever he wants to say something profane or risque, he just barks "Earmuffs!" at the kid. Kid covers his ears, and Vince is free to say whatever he pleases.

You need to employ this same strategy. Every time your sister starts with the crazy, just think to yourself, "Crazy muffs!" Ignore her baiting you. Ignore her silent treatment because you haven't decided to go FLDS with her. Ignore the fact that she needs to be the center of attention - or embrace it, and know that she's got bigger problems than you ever have.

You can't control your sister, more's the pity. I know if you could, you'd make her smart and funny and normal, someone you'd want to be around. I know it hurts to have your hopes and expectations about adult sibling relationships shot to shit. But the only thing you can control is your reaction to her. If you give in to her drama, she gets what she needs emotionally, but you get nothing. If you refuse to play, you can see her at Thanksgiving and Flag Day and have a perfectly pleasant relationship, at least as far as you're concerned. The only downside to this strategy is that she may cut you off, because you'll no longer be giving her what she wants. But if that happens, you know you gave it your best efforts - and let's face it, the crazies never go away entirely, even when we want them to.