Googling is the New Eavesdropping

R asks:

I happened to find some stuff a supposed "friend" said about me on the internet. I was playing with Google, looking up my name, my boyfriend's name, etc. to see if things like facebook come up, and I put in my close friend's name. We arae not besties, but we're pretty close and talk almost on a daily babsis. If not on the phone, then by email. Well, I found out that she's been saying things on a forum using a name that pretty much gives herself away and also uses her signature pic as a pic of herself so I know it's her. She has told some things about me that I felt were confidential, and NEVER thought she'd tell them to anyone let alone the internet. I know what you put online is public info these days, but I thought you can still confide in a good friend. Hopefully no one we mutually know sees what she has said but just like I found her, to me there's always a chance someone else did and these things she is talking about are embarassing and personal.

I also by the way, found out some pretty disgusting personal things about her and her husband's relationship that have to do with their sex life from her posting it online. I want to know if I should confront her, or let it go? What should I do!!


Let's not pretend you stumbled upon this stuff accidentally. Unless she's using her full first and last name as her handle on an internet forum*, your search went beyond just typing her name into Google. What were you hoping to discover, and why? It sounds to me like regardless of how often you talk, you aren't actually very good friends.

Her sex life is none of your concern. Her choice to share it with the internet at large is also none of your concern. In that regard, you have nothing to confront her about.


The personal info she shared about you is your concern. If you want the stories removed, you're within your rights to confront her. Simply let her know that you found what she said about you online, and you'd appreciate it if she'd delete those posts because you'd rather not have personal identifying information out there. Understand that she will likely be embarrassed for having been caught, and could take that embarrassment out on you. So, confronting her has the potential to be friendship-ending. It doesn't really seem to me like this is a friendship worth saving anyway.



*If she is, in fact, using her full name on an internet forum, this is a whole different problem. In this case, you're going to want to point out to her the dangers of having too much personal information available online. Remind her that everything she writes can be easily found by family, friends, and potential employers.

The Pitfalls of the Information Age

Fran asks:

HELP!!! My wedding website is on my STD but no one is using it to check out the hotel accomodations for my out of town wedding, and they keep calling me and asking me for informaiton, and I tell them to just check out the website because all the informaiton is there, but they say they don't have time to do that. So I end up letting all these calls go to voicemail because *I* don't have time to instruct people how to do the internet. I even made sure instructions were clear: There are 2 hotels, the addresses and phn numbers are listed. The proximity to the airport, the rates for several room types at each property, and the cancellation policy, and the number to call in order to book the rooms, and the name and group number for the blocked rate we arranged. We also have an RSVP feature that tells them to add their name if they want to be added to the rooming list if they did not book with the group. My wedding is in 3 months! HOW can I make it easier for them, and FOR ME???


Unfortunately, one of the less fun aspects of hosting a large event is dealing with redundant questions from guests. A lot of people don't have access to high speed internet, and many--especially older generations--may really not understand how to access the information you've provided. There's nothing you can do to change their behavior, and so instead we turn to changing the way you react.

To make things easier on yourself, have the information handy in a printable or email-able format to provide to anyone who calls with questions. That way, instead of spending 30 minutes waiting for Aunt Mary to remember which little icon thingy to click to get to the internets, you can let her know that you're mom will give her the list of hotels when they meet for dinner next Sunday. For close friends or relatives you speak with often, a casual email is appropriate. You could even snail mail the information to the extreme Luddites.

And here's a little piece of bonus advice: leave your cell phone at home on the wedding day. It sounds like you might have the type of guests who wouldn't think twice about calling in the middle of your hair appointment to get directions to the church. 

Define "Private."

Debbie writes:


My 13 yr old daughter found my private photos on Face Book, and told me to remove them because there are a lot of racy photos on there. My hub and I like to take sexy pics of ourselves - there's nothing naked, but lots of lingerie and hands covering my nips. How do I explain that mommy is an adult and can do what I want because I am over 18? Everything is password protected but she had been using my computer without my permission which is a while nother issue. We have my private pc for the bedroom and a family room computer for everyone.

Wow, there are a lot of issues here. First and foremost, there is no such thing as "private photos on Facebook." If you have private pictures, please for the love of God take them off the internet. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but when you upload pictures to Facebook you and access them from any computer, not just the one the pictures are saved on. Your daughter may not have been using your computer when she found them.

We can get into a longer discussion about privacy settings, but if you don't even realize how the site works I don't have high hopes for your ability to navigate the more advanced features. Not to mention, any photo that can be defined as "racy" has no business being on the site no matter what your privacy settings are.

Your next issue is that your daughter is finding things she's not supposed to find. If your photos are password protected, as you say, and she's still accessing them, you need to change the password. If she's not supposed to be on the bedroom computer but she's using it anyway, you need to lock the bedroom, or make sure there are consequences for not doing as she's told. It's not your daughter's fault she found your pictures, regardless of how well you think you've protected them.

Finally, you want to know how to address the subject of the photos with your daughter. I don't think "Mommy can do what she wants because she's over 18" is the message you want to send here. This is one instance where age has nothing to do with anything. What you're looking for is more along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy are adults in a loving, consenting, legally binding relationship built on years of trust and respect. This is something we do privately, and it is our business." You're going to want to let your daughter know that while it's okay for you to have those pictures, it's not okay for her to go out and pose the same way for any dude with a camera, regardless of whether or not she's over 18.

You also want to make sure you're setting the right example for her to follow. Step one in this--and I can't repeat this enough--is GET YOUR BEDROOM PICTURES OFF THE INTERNET.