Shenanigans!

Ann writes:



I loaned my car to my daughter for a work event she was attending. Her car was in the shop, and I offered to let her use mine because it was for an important meeting and this way she didn't have to rent a car. She was reimbursed for mileage and gas. Well, she was the driver for herself and 3 other larger ladies. I have an older car, and it seems that the weight of the 3 women plus my daughter caused the transmission to drop out from underneath. This didn't happen until I drove out from my driveway into the street the next day, My daughter said she didn't have any problems with the car.


Well, I called her company and spoke to her supervisor to tell them I feel they should reimburse me for the $140 in damages it cost to fix the dropped transmission, and they said they are not liable for what happened to my car after she returned from the meeting. My daughter is upset that I would go behind her back and contact her boss, but I did not do this to my car. She said she'd pay me half of what it cost to fix the problem, but I think her company should pay. Who's right??


Well. First of all, let me answer the question. If someone damages property that they have borrowed, they should of course offer reimbursement to repair said property or to buy a new item. It would be up to your daughter to take that reimbursement up with her boss, since she incurred the expense during a work event.

Likewise, the company has every right to deny the claim, considering any damage happened after your daughter returned the car. You shouldn't have been making the claim in the first place, and you shouldn't be upset that the company claims zero liability.

But I have to call shenanigans on the technical part of your letter. Your transmission dropped what? A gear? Out of the car? Either way, it would cost a hell of a lot more than $140 to fix any part of a transmission (except maybe a general flush and re-lube). And I don't really see any way for the weight of four people who - and yes, I'm assuming here, but I think it's a sound assumption - fit in the vehicle to make it so heavy that the transmission would fail to operate properly over the course of one day.

More likely, your transmission was failing before you ever loaned the car. I don't know if your mechanic was trying to wiggle out of failing to notice a problem at your last scheduled service, or if you made this story fit together out of a mangled understanding of physics and what was actual wrong with your vehicle, but there's just no way your daughter's coworkers caused this problem.

So, ultimately, no one owes you any money - and you probably owe your daughter an apology.

Let's Try This Again

Unimportant was not too happy with Kate's response. Because I like to smooth feathers, and because our inbox is empty, I'm going to take another stab at this one.

Here's his comment:

OK, I'm sorry I said she isn't fat. Because now it's apparently not only wrong to call someone "fat", but "not fat" as well? How the hell is a guy suppose to get it right when everything is wrong? I only added the fact because any time I ask someone for advice on this the first thing they say is, "Well, IS she fat?" or if they know her, "Well, she COULD afford to lose a few pounds."

And I get the whole society thing, I'm out numbered so I shouldn't even bother. But WTF is this...

"You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman."

So now it's my fault because I find some people to be attractive and others not? I'm to blame because I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is? Aren't we suppose to be attracted to our partner? I don't get it.

Or maybe I do get it. Don't bother trying because you can never get it right. You'll always be wrong because you're just a stupid pig/dog/man.

Thanks, that helps. 

First, I'm not going to disagree with Kate's assertion that you're unknowingly contributing to the problem. That doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a victim of society the same way your girlfriend (and everyone except for Kate) is. It also doesn't mean you should stop trying.

To Kate's point, when you say things like "She is not fat as I define it," "She is sexy to me," and "I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is." You're making qualifications that imply that your opinion is different from everyone else's. Your girlfriend is hearing "Yeah, most people think you're fat but I don't care." As much as it sucks to admit it, when you stack your opinion against everyone else's, your feelings are less important, especially to someone who is self-conscious about their body.

So what can you do to change this? Drop the qualifiers. "You are beautiful." "You are sexy." "You look hot in that dress." Make comments about her appearance simple, declarative, universal statements. And don't just make them when she's complaining that these pants make her ass look big or this dress makes her look like a circus tent. Tell her when she least expects it.

The more you build her confidence, the less reliant she'll be on what other people think, and then you both win.

Why Size Acceptance Is For Everyone

Unimportant asks a doozy:


Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?


Short answer? You can't.


Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while. 


Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?


Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!


That's right. All of society.  Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place. 


Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?


But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!


And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!


So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.


She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?


You first. 

That's Not Your Problem

Stef writes:


My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?


So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?


Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.


The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.


You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies. 


Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him? 


Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?


If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.


If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes. 


This is no way to live. So stop living it.


Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. 

Not Just For Fatties Anymore

Alan asks:

Can I use Desitin to prevent chafing in the heat, or is it only for infants?

Ah, yes, the dreaded chub rub. Anyone whose thighs touch has certainly felt the sandpapery chafing, most common in the summer months, when sweat and general stickiness contributes to a perfect storm of awfulness.

There are a ton of solutions for chub rub. I've never heard Desitin mentioned, but baby powder, body lotion, and commercially-available anti-chafing creams are usually the first solutions. I would try anything you think might work, but I haven't had any luck with topical cures.

I've had to go with simply wearing pants for most of the summer, but when a skirt is necessary or wished-for, there are other options. A lot of people wear Spanx or other long-line shaping garments. If that's your thing, great, but I can think of few things I'd like less than trying to pull on a girdle in 90+-degree heat - and then having to wear it for the rest of the day, sweating all the while. Girdles, while very useful in certain instances, are not very breathable, and certainly not very summer-friendly.

No, for those days that simply insist on breezy peasant skirts and sweet eyelet dresses, you can try cotton bike shorts, men's boxer briefs, or Thigh Society underwear.

Please write back and let us know how the Desitin works!

Killing Kittens Is Bad. Eating, On The Other Hand....

Ugh writes:

Everyone around me is obsessed with their weight and dieting. I have to change the topic a lot of times if I want to participate. If I came to a function boasting about a new diet I wanted to try, or maybe I lost 3 pounds, I'd get a better response from the group than if I were to tell them of a raise or promotion at work. What the hell, why are people so obsessed to the point that being on a diet is revered? It's sickening.

Ugh, indeed. Unfortunately, your problem is not unique. There's an entire week devoted to giving up fat talk (the second week in October).  And there are people all over the world who blog about this issue, among others related to size acceptance and feminism. Fat talk is pervasive. It is ubiquitous. It is also limiting, boring, stifling, competitive, and destructive. It reduces everyone who participates in it to no more than a body, and a public body at that, subject to scrutiny and evaluation by the general populace - all of whom have been told that fat is wrong, fat is bad, fat is a moral issue, and to be even vaguely fat is the worst thing anyone could ever dare to be. Fat talkers depend on the culture to keep them going; they depend on the fact that "everyone knows" how awful it is to be fat, and that weight is a choice, and that the pursuit of ceasing to exist - becoming a size zero - is an occupation shared by everyone.

So don't back them up. They get positive reinforcement for this behavior from the other fat-talkers, and they won't be expecting you to burst their bubble - or to point out the ridiculousness of making their own bodies their enemies. You needn't be rude, but if you really want this to stop (and not merely to walk away from it), you need to point out that there are so many more interesting things in the world to discuss. You can throw some facts about diets at them (namely, that they don't work, full stop, end of story). You can point out that humans generally respond poorly to restrictions of any kind, and that they would do better to investigate intuitive eating and Health At Every Size concepts if they want to improve their well-being. You can talk about how the BMI definitions were arbitrarily changed in the 1990s, and that studies have shown that being in the "overweight" category actually results in living the longest, statistically. You can point out that being skinny is not the same as being healthy. You can simply tell them that you don't diet, and you don't want to discuss dieting because it's boring.

Most of these will stop a conversation dead in its tracks. They might stare at you and go right back to it amongst themselves, or they might ask for more input from you. If you get the chance to elaborate, you might consider discussing how making women focus on beauty and weight is a losing game and the product of a society that definitely doesn't want women to ever achieve full equality. And then segue into a discussion of politics, or science, or a funny blog post you just read about anything but weight.

Or, you can continue to ignore it, just far more flagrantly. Bring a book, and start reading every time someone starts with "I was so bad last night, I ate...." It's rude, sure, but honestly, so is being a repetitive bore who can't carry on a conversation that doesn't involve calories.

Unfortunately, you may end up just having to find new friends. People are obsessed with dieting and weight because it's considered a moral issue; because women, especially, are brought into the fold of body-haters and chronic dieters early in life; and because as I said above, people hate the fatties. Not dieting is considered not normal, and you may just have to find a group of freaks like you.

I Do Not Think This Is About What You Think It's About

Bling writes:

My sister-in-law feeds her kids completely unhealthy things. McDonald's, Chinese takeout, burgers from the diner, you name it. They often refuse to eat what she cooks, so she goes and buys them what they DO want because she's afraid they'll starve. The doctor told her that the youngest kid is slightly overweight, and she goes on and on about how cute his "little fat butt" is, and how he's gotten so big that none of the kid-sized shorts fit him in the stores. Is there a way to tell her that maybe their eating habits are why the kid is growing wider faster than he's growing taller? He's 6.

So...what you want me to tell you is a good way to tell your sister she's a total moron?

Look, I'm pretty sure no one in the world thinks fast food is healthy. She knows what she's feeding her children is not ideal; she doesn't care. The incentive of not having to deal with whiny kids is greater for her than the incentive of providing them a healthy start in life. I'd bet actual cash money that she's not parenting well in any other arena, either: why does this one thing bother you so much that you feel the need to comment on it? Have you commented on any of her other parenting missteps?

They're her kids, not yours. Unless you want to prove to the courts that she's an unfit mother and take the children from her, this is none of your business. Period. The best you can do is provide healthy choices for the kids when they're in your care. You may be able to plant the idea in them that taking care of our bodies by fueling them well and moving for the joy of it really does feel better than loading up on junk and camping in front of the TV, but don't get your hopes up.