Erica writes:
An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook. Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me. I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently. We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.
When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again. I hope your life is good." He didn't write back. A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding. In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.
So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding. He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.
Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding? I feel sorry for his new wife. No bride should have to be a runner-up.
What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.
You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me.
Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies.
Stay out of it.
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Define "Private."
Debbie writes:
My 13 yr old daughter found my private photos on Face Book, and told me to remove them because there are a lot of racy photos on there. My hub and I like to take sexy pics of ourselves - there's nothing naked, but lots of lingerie and hands covering my nips. How do I explain that mommy is an adult and can do what I want because I am over 18? Everything is password protected but she had been using my computer without my permission which is a while nother issue. We have my private pc for the bedroom and a family room computer for everyone.
Wow, there are a lot of issues here. First and foremost, there is no such thing as "private photos on Facebook." If you have private pictures, please for the love of God take them off the internet. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but when you upload pictures to Facebook you and access them from any computer, not just the one the pictures are saved on. Your daughter may not have been using your computer when she found them.
We can get into a longer discussion about privacy settings, but if you don't even realize how the site works I don't have high hopes for your ability to navigate the more advanced features. Not to mention, any photo that can be defined as "racy" has no business being on the site no matter what your privacy settings are.
Your next issue is that your daughter is finding things she's not supposed to find. If your photos are password protected, as you say, and she's still accessing them, you need to change the password. If she's not supposed to be on the bedroom computer but she's using it anyway, you need to lock the bedroom, or make sure there are consequences for not doing as she's told. It's not your daughter's fault she found your pictures, regardless of how well you think you've protected them.
Finally, you want to know how to address the subject of the photos with your daughter. I don't think "Mommy can do what she wants because she's over 18" is the message you want to send here. This is one instance where age has nothing to do with anything. What you're looking for is more along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy are adults in a loving, consenting, legally binding relationship built on years of trust and respect. This is something we do privately, and it is our business." You're going to want to let your daughter know that while it's okay for you to have those pictures, it's not okay for her to go out and pose the same way for any dude with a camera, regardless of whether or not she's over 18.
You also want to make sure you're setting the right example for her to follow. Step one in this--and I can't repeat this enough--is GET YOUR BEDROOM PICTURES OFF THE INTERNET.
My 13 yr old daughter found my private photos on Face Book, and told me to remove them because there are a lot of racy photos on there. My hub and I like to take sexy pics of ourselves - there's nothing naked, but lots of lingerie and hands covering my nips. How do I explain that mommy is an adult and can do what I want because I am over 18? Everything is password protected but she had been using my computer without my permission which is a while nother issue. We have my private pc for the bedroom and a family room computer for everyone.
Wow, there are a lot of issues here. First and foremost, there is no such thing as "private photos on Facebook." If you have private pictures, please for the love of God take them off the internet. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but when you upload pictures to Facebook you and access them from any computer, not just the one the pictures are saved on. Your daughter may not have been using your computer when she found them.
We can get into a longer discussion about privacy settings, but if you don't even realize how the site works I don't have high hopes for your ability to navigate the more advanced features. Not to mention, any photo that can be defined as "racy" has no business being on the site no matter what your privacy settings are.
Your next issue is that your daughter is finding things she's not supposed to find. If your photos are password protected, as you say, and she's still accessing them, you need to change the password. If she's not supposed to be on the bedroom computer but she's using it anyway, you need to lock the bedroom, or make sure there are consequences for not doing as she's told. It's not your daughter's fault she found your pictures, regardless of how well you think you've protected them.
Finally, you want to know how to address the subject of the photos with your daughter. I don't think "Mommy can do what she wants because she's over 18" is the message you want to send here. This is one instance where age has nothing to do with anything. What you're looking for is more along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy are adults in a loving, consenting, legally binding relationship built on years of trust and respect. This is something we do privately, and it is our business." You're going to want to let your daughter know that while it's okay for you to have those pictures, it's not okay for her to go out and pose the same way for any dude with a camera, regardless of whether or not she's over 18.
You also want to make sure you're setting the right example for her to follow. Step one in this--and I can't repeat this enough--is GET YOUR BEDROOM PICTURES OFF THE INTERNET.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Bullies Suck
Sad writes:
I was bullied in grades 7 and 8 by two boys who constantly made fun of me because I was new to the school and I wasn't into fashion and hanging out on the corners like everyone else. I was recently friended by one of them on facebook, and I accepted. I soon deleted the person because I realize he wasn't going to apologize and I wasn't going to confront him. I considered that closure for me and went on with my happy life.
The other day, I was given a friend suggestion by the OTHER kid who picked on me, but didn't try and friend request him or anything. I thought I put it behind me, the taunting and teasing, and basically feeling tortured every day for 2 years (it was a sick joke in my universe that the teachers always sat me between these two jerks)...I feel like I didn't do a good job at getting over it.
Should I say something now? I feel like that would just be pathetic of me, because it happened when we were kids and life went on. I always think just get over it when I see adults confronting their childhood bullies on TV talk shows. But I don't think these two kids realize the damage they caused. I was very socially awkward for my 4 years of highschool because I never was able to be social in middle school. What do you think?
Sad,
I'm sorry you had such a horrible time in middle school. I don't necessarily think that either of these guys tried to contact you on facebook for any reason other than to collect friends. Facebook seems to have given everyone the feeling that they have the right and/or need to stay connected everyone they have ever known, whether that knowing was a good or bad experience.
Also keep in mind that bullying stays in the mind of the tormented much longer than it does the tormentor. These guys may not even remember how miserable they made you, or maybe they really thought they were just having fun at the time. Or maybe one or both of them liked you. Preteen boys are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and it's very common for them to turn to teasing when saying "hey, I think you're cute" has so much potential to damage their tender egos. What I'm trying to say is, try to look back on the situation with humor, and think about how the experience made you stronger rather than focusing on the damage it did.
You were right to unfriend bully number 1 and to ignore the suggestion of bully number 2. You were also right to go on with your happy life. I think that's what you should keep on doing. I agree that saying something won't solve your problem. Everyone involved has changed a lot since middle school, and two adult men likely don't have a lot to learn from a lecture about something they did when they were children.
If you feel the need to do something, make sure that you bring your own children up to know that bullying others is wrong, and teach them to stand up for themselves in the event that they are bullied. And if you really can't get over this, it may be time to look for a counselor or therapist. Remember that Kate and I are not licensed professionals. If you need real help, I encourage you to seek it.
I was bullied in grades 7 and 8 by two boys who constantly made fun of me because I was new to the school and I wasn't into fashion and hanging out on the corners like everyone else. I was recently friended by one of them on facebook, and I accepted. I soon deleted the person because I realize he wasn't going to apologize and I wasn't going to confront him. I considered that closure for me and went on with my happy life.
The other day, I was given a friend suggestion by the OTHER kid who picked on me, but didn't try and friend request him or anything. I thought I put it behind me, the taunting and teasing, and basically feeling tortured every day for 2 years (it was a sick joke in my universe that the teachers always sat me between these two jerks)...I feel like I didn't do a good job at getting over it.
Should I say something now? I feel like that would just be pathetic of me, because it happened when we were kids and life went on. I always think just get over it when I see adults confronting their childhood bullies on TV talk shows. But I don't think these two kids realize the damage they caused. I was very socially awkward for my 4 years of highschool because I never was able to be social in middle school. What do you think?
Sad,
I'm sorry you had such a horrible time in middle school. I don't necessarily think that either of these guys tried to contact you on facebook for any reason other than to collect friends. Facebook seems to have given everyone the feeling that they have the right and/or need to stay connected everyone they have ever known, whether that knowing was a good or bad experience.
Also keep in mind that bullying stays in the mind of the tormented much longer than it does the tormentor. These guys may not even remember how miserable they made you, or maybe they really thought they were just having fun at the time. Or maybe one or both of them liked you. Preteen boys are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and it's very common for them to turn to teasing when saying "hey, I think you're cute" has so much potential to damage their tender egos. What I'm trying to say is, try to look back on the situation with humor, and think about how the experience made you stronger rather than focusing on the damage it did.
You were right to unfriend bully number 1 and to ignore the suggestion of bully number 2. You were also right to go on with your happy life. I think that's what you should keep on doing. I agree that saying something won't solve your problem. Everyone involved has changed a lot since middle school, and two adult men likely don't have a lot to learn from a lecture about something they did when they were children.
If you feel the need to do something, make sure that you bring your own children up to know that bullying others is wrong, and teach them to stand up for themselves in the event that they are bullied. And if you really can't get over this, it may be time to look for a counselor or therapist. Remember that Kate and I are not licensed professionals. If you need real help, I encourage you to seek it.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
We Totally Agree
Taylor asks:
Is there a way to ask someone on my friend list on FaceBook to be careful about what she posts? Every day it's another announcement declaring that this particular day she's going to stop letting people shit on her, or maybe it's the day she's down in the dumps and "If anyone needs a doormat, you have one in me!". It's getting rather pathetic, and if we're not reading about the things she should really be discussing with a therapist, we're reading about how big her breasts are or how much she spent on a tattoo and cannot pay her rent. Should I even bother saying anything or is UNFRIEND the way to go? In person I have no problem saying what is on my mind with her, even if she is sensitive about it. I just think there is a time and place for oversharing. FaceBook is not it.
Facebook has given birth to a whole new breed of oversharers and attention whores. Some people just don't seem to realize that the internet reaches everybody. So what do you do when you're inundated daily with poorly spelled rants about the government, emo whining, or potty training exploits?
It depends. First, you have to decide how important this person's friendship is to you. If you're BFFS 4 EVA! you should have no problem talking to the person and saying "Listen, I know you're going through a rough time right now, but every time you post about how so-and-so broke your heart, he wins a little bit harder." If they're a friend you see socially but aren't super close with, go with a more roundabout approach. Try "Don't you hate TMI status updates?" or "OMG, have you seen that site LameBook? People are so dumb with what they put on the internet!" You get bonus points for this one if you actually submit friend's douchy updates before you direct them to the site.
If it's someone you haven't spoken to since high school, or someone you're not comfortable speaking bluntly with, then your best option is to unfriend or block. It won't stop them, but you're not really responsible for their poor decisions anyway.
And while we're on the subject, here are a few tips to make sure none of our readers are guilty of Facebook crimes against humanity.
1. Before you post a status, think about whether you'd want it written on the front page of the New York Times. No? Well guess what, Facebook has a larger audience than the New York Times*, so you shouldn't put it there either.
2. No one cares about your child's poop. No one. Not even their grandparents. Stop posting about it.
3. The best revenge is living well. On that note:
3a. You are not teaching your ex boyfriend any kind of lesson by telling facebook what a jerk he is. You're just making yourself look pathetic, and your ex boyfriend will be glad he dumped you.
3b. Complaining about your life doesn't make people feel sorry for you. It makes people not want to talk to you, which is only going to lead to more complaining on your part. Knock it off.
4. Just say no to facebook chain letters. Do not repost if you love your kids/spouse/teacher/dog or if you support our troops/our government/some cause. If you cared that much, you'd take 5 minutes to write something original.
5. If you are going to post about something politically charged or otherwise controversial, make sure you know what you're talking about. Don't quote what you hear on TV until you've done enough research to have an intelligent discussion on it. When you post something people disagree with, you're going to get comments. You don't want to be the one who devolves the rhetoric to "Well if you cross the border illegally in North Korea you get shot."
6. Proofread. Also, text speak is not allowed. If you can't use the keyboard, get off the computer.
*made up fact, but it's probably true.
Is there a way to ask someone on my friend list on FaceBook to be careful about what she posts? Every day it's another announcement declaring that this particular day she's going to stop letting people shit on her, or maybe it's the day she's down in the dumps and "If anyone needs a doormat, you have one in me!". It's getting rather pathetic, and if we're not reading about the things she should really be discussing with a therapist, we're reading about how big her breasts are or how much she spent on a tattoo and cannot pay her rent. Should I even bother saying anything or is UNFRIEND the way to go? In person I have no problem saying what is on my mind with her, even if she is sensitive about it. I just think there is a time and place for oversharing. FaceBook is not it.
Facebook has given birth to a whole new breed of oversharers and attention whores. Some people just don't seem to realize that the internet reaches everybody. So what do you do when you're inundated daily with poorly spelled rants about the government, emo whining, or potty training exploits?
It depends. First, you have to decide how important this person's friendship is to you. If you're BFFS 4 EVA! you should have no problem talking to the person and saying "Listen, I know you're going through a rough time right now, but every time you post about how so-and-so broke your heart, he wins a little bit harder." If they're a friend you see socially but aren't super close with, go with a more roundabout approach. Try "Don't you hate TMI status updates?" or "OMG, have you seen that site LameBook? People are so dumb with what they put on the internet!" You get bonus points for this one if you actually submit friend's douchy updates before you direct them to the site.
If it's someone you haven't spoken to since high school, or someone you're not comfortable speaking bluntly with, then your best option is to unfriend or block. It won't stop them, but you're not really responsible for their poor decisions anyway.
And while we're on the subject, here are a few tips to make sure none of our readers are guilty of Facebook crimes against humanity.
1. Before you post a status, think about whether you'd want it written on the front page of the New York Times. No? Well guess what, Facebook has a larger audience than the New York Times*, so you shouldn't put it there either.
2. No one cares about your child's poop. No one. Not even their grandparents. Stop posting about it.
3. The best revenge is living well. On that note:
3a. You are not teaching your ex boyfriend any kind of lesson by telling facebook what a jerk he is. You're just making yourself look pathetic, and your ex boyfriend will be glad he dumped you.
3b. Complaining about your life doesn't make people feel sorry for you. It makes people not want to talk to you, which is only going to lead to more complaining on your part. Knock it off.
4. Just say no to facebook chain letters. Do not repost if you love your kids/spouse/teacher/dog or if you support our troops/our government/some cause. If you cared that much, you'd take 5 minutes to write something original.
5. If you are going to post about something politically charged or otherwise controversial, make sure you know what you're talking about. Don't quote what you hear on TV until you've done enough research to have an intelligent discussion on it. When you post something people disagree with, you're going to get comments. You don't want to be the one who devolves the rhetoric to "Well if you cross the border illegally in North Korea you get shot."
6. Proofread. Also, text speak is not allowed. If you can't use the keyboard, get off the computer.
*made up fact, but it's probably true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)