Izzabella writes:
My husband is going to be an usher in one of his old college buddy's wedding in a month and wants to go to the bachelor party, but the bach party is going to be a two-night trip over 4 hours away in a hotel with who knows what going on. If he was single, I can probably see why he'd want to go. But he's married (obviously, if he is my husband) and I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to participate in debauchery. I think that he should be the example and stay home with his family, maybe go to meet the guys for lunch or dinner the second night and then come home. He thinks that this is a tradition and he should participate because he's in the wedding and that is what the men do. But he won't tell me what they have planned because he said it's a bach party and women shouldn't be involved, I should just trust him. It's not that I don't trust him but I just don't think it's right for a married guy to spend a weekend pretending he's not married. How can I explain this to my husband without making it seem like I want him to not have friends??
I think, ultimately, your comfort with your husband's participation in this party comes down to what exactly will be going on during it--and he doesn't seem willing to tell you. That, to me, is a red flag.
So tell me, does "pretending he's not married" mean staying out until 4, getting drunk, and passing out on the bathroom floor? Or does it mean spending his last paycheck on lapdances? Because there's a big gap between the two.
Explain to your husband that his hesitation to tell you what they have planned doesn't warm you to the idea of his participation. Marriage is about openness, honesty and understanding. So try to compromise: if he can be open and honest about the plans, you can be understanding. If all they really want to do is drink beer and eat nachos, maybe you can let him hang out for a few days. If they want to see how many strippers they can get to sleeping with them in 48 hours, I can see why you wouldn't be too excited.
Probably the reality falls somewhere in between these two scenarios. So ask yourself. Is it okay for your husband to be in a strip club if he's not a participant in the festivities? Is the prospect of not being allowed to go emasculating to your husband? Do the two of you have that large of a disparity in values?
The key here is communication. Let him know exactly what you're not okay with, and why. And listen to him when he tells you what he wants to do with the guys and why it doesn't change how much he loves you. Once you're able to be clear with each other, you can come up with a solution that's acceptable for both of you.
This was super balanced advice, very impressive. Not sure I would have been so nice. In my experience bachelor parties are far from anything that most wives (or wives-to-be) would be comfortable with. If he doesn't want to tell you what's going on, honestly, that's a REALLY bad sign... not like he'll necessarily tell you the truth anyway. But, then again, I am quite biased, as I am a stripper.
ReplyDeleteI'm with anonymous #1 on everything but being a stripper. Frankly, I think the whole idea of a traditional bachelor party is vile and misogynistic - the whole theory is that you have to hurry up and have fun now before you're stuck with the ball and chain forever. It's an entire tradition based on demeaning and vilifying women, and I'd look sideways at a guy who wanted to participate in it.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous #2 again :)
ReplyDeleteAnd as for feeling emasculated by not participating in demeaning women, well, I don't think my opinion of that is fit for public viewing.
Women are "allowed" to have a bachelorette, so I am not so sure the idea of the traditional bachelor party even applies here. Second, the OP is not the bride to be, her husband is a guest at the party. Agree or disagree with the bachelor party idea, but the fact is that the groom to be in the original story is having one, and the author of the letter cannot stop it from happening.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that a bachelor party doesn't have to be a final hoorah, or for instance the last run at bachelorhood before the ol' ball and chain. At the same time, there's also no reason that the groom (or bride) cannot have the night out with friends. I would hope that they respect their spouse to be enough to not be unfaithful that night with the justification that it's the "last fling before the ring".
Lastly, the problem is not the bachelor party, but the fact that the OP's husband will not allow any disclosure on these plans. That, or the OP just doesn't want him to go. Feelings of bach parties aside, the OP and her husband need to communicate this issue. If he just does what he wants because he wants to, it shows little to no respect for his wife IMO.
-Signed, Anonymous #3.
Anon 2, I wasn't suggesting that not going to see strippers should be emasculating. Rather, I meant that a man telling his buddies that his wife won't let him go out is emasculating.
ReplyDeleteHis unwillingness to disclose his plans is certainly damning, and in this case the ultimate issue is communication.
However, IF the plans don't involve strippers and our writer just thinks her husband should stay home, she may want to be a little more considerate of how her demands affect her husband's feelings and his friendships.