I was raised by good parents, and taught to believe that sex is something you share with someone you love. I'm not very religious, but in college, after seeing too many friends get STD's after thinking they were "in love" I decided to wait until marriage.
To give you a little background, I am a college educated, independent 32 year old woman. I own my own home, am self sufficient, and generally happy in life. I am marrying a man who respects my decision to wait.
I have two sisters and a brother however who did not choose to wait, and constantly ridicule me and call me a tease. They ask me how I could possibly marry someone I haven't slept with, because I don't know if he's good in bed, nor do I know if I am good in bed.
While I realize it's ridiculous it has put a small fear in me that I will be terrible in bed, and he will be disappointed he waited.
How do you feel about waiting until marriage to have sex?
Also, any tips on what to do the first night? I love this man deeply and I am 95% positive the sex will be incredible, but the other 5% is pure doubt.
- Anna
Well, Anna, I can't speak for Christy, but I feel waiting until after marriage is a mistake. It's an old analogy, but really: you don't buy a car without a test-drive, and you're not obligated to keep a car for the next fifty or sixty years. Sexual compatibility is one of the "Big Three" issues in marriage (the other two are money and kids), and while openly discussing your sexuality with your fiance is a good start, there's really no substitute for really seeing how you two manage between the sheets.
Being "good" or "bad" doesn't have anything to do with it, either. Being responsible certainly does, and you bring up a good point about sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). While condoms can help one avoid many common STIs, many others - including genital herpes and HPV, which is responsible for some forms of cervical cancer - aren't limited to transmission by fluids, and so can be acquired through any genital contact.
My personal opinion is that it's a good idea not to hook up with random strangers in order to avoid such STIs, but that doesn't mean that all sex is out forever. I believe God gave us our bodies to enjoy - every part of them. There's nothing sinful in enjoying vigorous exercise or a good meal, and I don't believe that there is anything sinful in pre-marital sex, as long as you're respectful of yourself and your partner.
I also don't think there's anything wrong with making the personal decision to wait until marriage. You have your own opinions and values, and it's rude of your siblings to ridicule you for them. (Though really: how did that ever come up in conversation, anyway? It's not a topic I've covered with my three brothers!) You've decided the best course for your life, and it seems to have served you well. I would never denigrate such successful decision-making. Your body is yours and no one else gets to make decisions about its use!
As to your wedding night, the best advice I can give is this: It will probably suck.
Most people's first times, even when they're with someone they care about and feel safe with, suck. For women, the first time can be painful. The vagina is not a negative space, waiting to be filled. It's a potential space, sort of like a pocket. When you have nothing in your pockets, they lay flat against your body. It is only when you put something in them that they expand and accommodate the object. If your body isn't used to accommodating objects - and if you have an intact hymen - there can be some discomfort. Like everything else in life, how much is specific to the woman involved. You may feel nothing; you may have to stop because it simply hurts too much.
I don't say that to scare you, but simply to let you know that all reactions along that scale are normal, and experiencing any of them shouldn't put you off sex or make you feel weird. You and your brand-new husband will probably be a little awkward, and you won't really get into the groove of pleasing each other for a while. That's normal! Take this period of adjustment as the opportunity it is, and explore each other.
Before you marry, I encourage you to have a frank and honest discussion about sex with your fiance. Discuss what you both like, what you dislike, what you find sexy or not, what sorts of experiences you have had. Think of this as the start of a lot of foreplay: talking about sex will get you thinking about having it, with your man, and will put you in a positive frame of mind for when the doors finally close behind you in the honeymoon suite.
You can't go wrong with books, either; even your local library should have some instructional books, as well as works of erotica to give you an idea of what you'd like to try. If that's a little too local, Amazon ships in nice plain brown boxes.
The best way to be good at sex is simply to enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost. If you two go into it with light hearts and the idea that you will have fun, you'll have a wonderful time - even if you just end up giggling most of the night. Don't force your first time to be anything other than it is: don't make it a test of the relationship, or a deeply solemn event. Have fun. Explore. Enjoy your body, and your husband's. That's what they're made for!
Congratulations on your marriage, and please, do write back to tell us how it went. Just please, leave out the details!
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