Where The Towels Are His And His And Hers....

Jessie writes:


My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?


Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.


Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom. 


You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.


But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.


I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.


If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man? 


And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias. 


Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.

Why Grammar Is Less Science, More Art

Curious and Glamorous writes:


Why does the u in glamour move down the road when it becomes glamorous? Are there other words that work this way?


"Glamour" is the British spelling of "glamor". The u doesn't move; you're just mixing your spellings. It's "glamourous" in Britain.


Other words with extra u's include color, favorite, and honor (colour, favourite, and honour).


The deviation started in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, when English spelling was first codified by the publication of dictionaries. According to Wikipedia, Brits follow Johnson's Dictionary of the English Language, while Americans looked to Webster's An American Dictionary of the English Language. 


Commenters claiming non-codification or differences in codification as reasons spelling shouldn't matter will be summarily mocked. Especially if they spell anything incorrectly. 

It's a "Not Wanting to Drive Home in Sweaty Clothes" Thing

Stacy asks:

My husband loves going to the locker room at our gym and I find it disturbing.  I hate using the locker room and avoid it at all costs.  He sometimes goes straight to the gym after work and needs to use it to change, but sometimes (like if he comes home to pick me up before we go together) he has plenty of opportunity to change clothes at home but doesn't.  I'm afraid it means that he is attracted to men although I have no evidence of this and our sexual relationship is thriving.  I've tried casually asking things like "what are you doing in there for so long?" and "is this just a man thing?" and he blows me off or gets annoyed.  I'm scared to just come out and ask the big question. Any advice?


I think you're overreacting. If your husband was interested in men, I he would seek better places to go look at them. If he starts "working late" or you start noticing charges from the local male strip club on your credit card statements, you have my permission to worry.


Some people just like to be able to change back into their street clothes when they finish working out. If he changes at home before he goes to the gym, that just means he can't change after his workout, which he may find uncomfortable. Let this be an issue where you agree to disagree.

Thursday Quickies - Prize at the End!

Sherrie asks:

Does it matter if you leave the lumps in boxed cake mix or is it better to sift it before making a cake from a box mix?

In general, mixing the dry cake mix with the eggs and oil tends to take care of any stray lumps. If you want to make extra-sure you won't have weird spots in the finished cake, it can't hurt to sift the mix.

# # #

Callie writes:

I like to collect pocket knives and often bring them to work to cut up my fruit, usually my oranges. Plastic knives will not do the job. Sometimes it scares the people because it's considered a "weapon" but I have not used it nor have I tried to use it as a weapon per se. Only to cut the fruit, and that is while sitting at the table in the cafeteria during my regularly scheduled lunch hour.

As long as your workplace doesn't have a specific policy prohibiting weapons - including pocketknives - I don't see anything wrong with using yours as they were intended. Are you especially cruel to coworkers? I mean, they don't have a reason to think you might use a harmless Swiss Army job to eviscerate them, do they? You might need an attitude adjustment if they're afraid of you, but if they're just averse to any sort of implement that might possibly one day if circumstances were good be involved in violence, well, they need to man up.

# # #

Just Curious asks:

I think one of the managers here used to be a man but is now a woman. Of course I cannot ask. But I want to know how I can confirm my suspicions?

You can't. This is absolutely none of your business, end of story. And I won't dignify such rudeness by expounding further.

# # #

And an update from our favorite correspondent, Hater!

I wanted to update you on my sister and her boyfriend. She found out the boyfriend was talking to other girls and telling them he was not in a relationship, so she broke up with him. They are 16 and she is devastated. In the end I am glad they broke up, it's a life experience everyone probably goes through but I knew he was not great for her. So she is doing good and starting to hang out with her friends more than she was before even thought a few stopped talking to her because she had been spending all her time with this guy. But you live and learn. AND yeah hahaha, tell me if I'm jealous now. Teen relationships mostly don't last, but you can keep telling me I just never had a boyfriend and I am just jealous. Please. What great advice you people give. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, Hater, we missed you. Don't be gone so long next time, okay?

But I Bet There's A Word For Sunburn Peeling

Tanya writes:

I love running my fingers through my hair, and sort of massaging my scalp. I sometimes find little hard things that I am addicted to picking off. I do not have dandruff or lice, they feel sort of like grains of fine sand and I thought they could be whiteheads on my scalp. Any ideas what this is?

You know, Tanya, I know exactly what you're talking about - and I can't find anything via Google to define it. There's a lot of information on scalp disorders out there, but not much on healthy, but slightly pickable, heads.

Your theory of whiteheads sounds as good as any - and if you think to ask your doctor at your next checkup, let us know what she says!